{{{{{kml}}}}} yeah, not fun, the caretaker's role. very much 'the in between time' ... i'm sorry honey. i'm sure you've tried turkey tails tea to help with the nausea?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Just an insight today about the perennial topic of dating while separated. (Note: I DID date while separated, but was quite sure at that point I'd never take my H back if handed to me on a silver platter).
An article I read today reminded me of this, and my sister experienced this. It was a financial advice column, and the writer was talking about not wanting to leave her house to her boyfriend in her will (bought when they were together but in her name only as he had bad credit, low income, and owed alimony to his ex). She wanted to leave the house to her son, with the requirement that her boyfriend be allowed to live in it until he died - the reason being, she didn't want his daughters to inherit anything. And the reason for THAT was, she had started dating the boyfriend while he was separated, and the girls hate her because they think she broke up the marriage (as in, the parents would have reconciled if she hadn't gotten involved).
This was my sister's situation too. After her divorce from her cheating sociopathic exH, she began dating a guy who was separated. His wife had cheated on him too. (Well, basically she announced she wanted to go date other people, and he wasn't down for that!).
My sister went on to marry this man, and had a good marriage for a long time with her second husband until he died of sepsis two years ago. But his daughter from his previous marriage never warmed to my sister (even though my sister is a generous people-pleaser who really did everything possible to be a good step-parent). The main reason she never warmed to her was that HER mother told her that she would have gotten back together with her father if he hadn't gotten with my sister.
Now - it's not true that he would have taken his ex back and it was definitely his ex's choice that the marriage broke up. But because her mother planted these seeds in her daughter's mind, my sister was never able to have a really successful relationship with her step-daughter, and since his death, the stepdaughter has cut her out of her life.
Honestly, my sister realizes that she is probably better off without the stepdaughter, as she is a selfish and self-involved person anyway. And my sister, good soul that she is, is still including the step-daughter in her will. But it's a cautionary tale about what can happen if dating someone separated not divorced.
kml, wow! I haven't personally experienced that, so it never crossed my mind as a possibility. Thanks for sharing. It's something to consider with her and other single parents. Oddly, only one of my Bumble dates was a single parent. (:
Well CMM’s appointment with his oncologist was today. His blood count showed his platelets have dropped to 48k, and in light of that and his severe side effects, they’re taking him off his oral chemo for a week and putting him on some steroids.
Hopefully his platelets will come up and he can go back on the chemo at a lower dose.
Costco online has a great sale on Danskin exercise shorts - $15 for two! - so I stocked up. I have hardly bought any clothes since I cleaned out my closet during the first lockdown, but these were needed. And someday when the pandemic calms down I’ll be able to get back to my gym. Meanwhile I’m just wearing them around the house.
My niece saw a patient. He and his wife went to Vegas. They brought home Covid. Wife was vaccinated, husband was not. Wife is home with mild symptoms. Husband is in the hospital doing poorly but there’s no ECMO available to him (all being used), he’s probably going to die.
Don’t let down your guard, peeps. And get vaccinated.
kml, sorry to hear this. It must be hard on the wife, who believed vax'ing was the right way to go, but wasn't able to convince her husband? My XW got her 1st vax shot a week ago! I feel blessed to have an ex who was open to reading statistics on covid vs. side effects vs. adverse effects and ultimately is taking the shots to make the children that much sager. (:
It was a financial advice column, and the writer was talking about not wanting to leave her house to her boyfriend in her will (bought when they were together but in her name only as he had bad credit, low income, and owed alimony to his ex). She wanted to leave the house to her son, with the requirement that her boyfriend be allowed to live in it until he died - the reason being, she didn't want his daughters to inherit anything. And the reason for THAT was, she had started dating the boyfriend while he was separated, and the girls hate her because they think she broke up the marriage (as in, the parents would have reconciled if she hadn't gotten involved).
This has been something I've struggled with - and gotten whacked at a bit here about.
If you form a new partnership, what are the limits of that? Do you fully integrate or do you keep boundaries? A colleague of mine had a tough time when her partner died because his kids wanted her out of the house she'd shared with him for decades.
One thing I've heard of that certainly bears investigation is charging your spouse rent while maintaining ownership of what is in essence the "marital home". Not sure legally where that falls. The marital home has special status under the law at least up here.
Originally Posted by kml
But it's a cautionary tale about what can happen if dating someone separated not divorced.
I certainly can agree with this.
The first woman I dated seriously "B" was separated and had been for several years. She told me that it was because both names were on the mortgage and that her ex wouldn't qualify for a new one - he was phenomenally bad with money - that they stayed married for that reason. They had been separated for several years, were dating other people and had not co-habitated in at least a few years. She did go up and stay in the guest room (no real reason to doubt this) from time to time to visit friends and go berry picking.
Soon after we split (she ended it) she was spotted around and about with her ex and I did find out that she moved back in with him "to take care of him because he'd gotten sick". Again - no reason to doubt this, but no reason to believe it either.
The second woman "S" had been split for I believe 7 years or so and always had vague answers about why she wasn't divorced. Even when I offered to front the money - which was one of her excuses - nothing was done. In hindsight I think she was and perhaps still is keeping him partially on the hook as a backup plan. Medical insurance was also a factor.
One of my cousins is separated from her abusive husband and is terrified of provoking him by asking for a divorce. She's been with her current partner for 6 or 7 years.
A neighbour just can't see the reason to bother getting a slip of paper and has been on her own for at least 15 years.
Some I think are eager to get into the dating world and get a new partner - so lots of reasons. But certainly a waving red flag.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
If you form a new partnership, what are the limits of that?
At this age (40s/50s), I think we have to be flexible. My D is 16. I'm not going to introduce a step-parent or move. My S is 12. I could go either way. The women I'm seeing Sat/Sun both own homes free and clear--I'd probably prenup those as theirs.
Originally Posted by Andrew
But certainly a waving red flag.
I don't see all those situations as red flags--reasons to immediately discard them?
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A neighbour just can't see the reason to bother getting a slip of paper and has been on her own for at least 15 years.
No flag.
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he told me that it was because both names were on the mortgage and that her ex wouldn't qualify for a new one - he was phenomenally bad with money
Yellow flag. She's still attached enough to her ex to make decisions based on him. I'd give her a chance if she were working through her co-dependence.
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One of my cousins is separated from her abusive husband and is terrified of provoking him by asking for a divorce. She's been with her current partner for 6 or 7 years.
Yellow flag. She's still attached enough to her ex to make decisions based on him. I'd give her a chance if she were working through her fears.
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had vague answers about why she wasn't divorced.
Red flag. Seriously? She married and doesn't know why?!
Hey moderators - Job? - I can access the forums still through my phone but when I try to log in on my computer it times out. Might want to investigate that glitch.
Cadet and I both have had that problem this morning. Virginia is aware of it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
