Been here before. MLC? WAS? Not sure

[Michka]

Venting....

So that same week he is wanting to try again. We talked and I told him he knew what I wanted, I wasnt going to repeat myself...I did add that I (and the whole family but he didnt need to know that) want him to seek some advice as to whether he is depressed. I am convinced he is and has suffered from it for a long time. He agreed to see our GP but I dont know what has come of that and I am not sure if I should ask.

It seems far more positive this time. Also different... much calmer, much more willing to be a hand on parent, offered up a "generous" schedule where he is sleeping over most of the week so I can have more free time for work etc. He is far more hands on with parenting/domestic duties.

My detachment is a little scary to me to be honest, I feel like now I am one step away from walking off myself. Part of me is waiting for him to screw it all up again. I don't care if this dosen't work out.

My home is looking lovely and will be finished soon. Work is crazy as we are in lockdown and most of my time and energy is going towards that and my kids. Still havent found an exercise app i like, might just try one out regardless.

I did a thing today which i dont know is good or bad nor do I know how to handle.

He took the kids out to the park and left his computer... so i snooped. I found emails from the OW dated from after our last R talk, it appears they organised to meet up and from what I can understand he ended it with the OW. However it appears from the emails I did read that their relationship was much much more than what he let on. He declared she was his eternal love.... he will miss her...blah blah blah. She also appears to be an absolute drama queen. I printed off copies to keep. I am going to raise this issue with my DB coach but I dont know what to do. Do i leave it? He ended it as I asked. But he never told me and I haven nit bought up the transparency question with him.

Im trying to take this day by day, im still surprised tbh by his actions this week, but I am looking for the "I will move mountains to be with you" before i feel more confident that next week he will still be around.

HI feel more time is needed, this weekly cycle of I love you ...I cant...but I love you has taken its toll and im trying really hard not to resent him for all he has done.

[wayfarer]

The waffling is normal and he will do it for a while. When he's all in you'll know it, but don't count on the "I will move mountains to be with you." That kind of remorse is truly few and far between. There will be no beating of his breast and crawling across glass to show you he loves you and does want to try. It will be in small incremental ways that he'll show you (not say, but truly show) he's dedicated to making this work.

The detachment you're feeling now is the goal. It shouldn't scare you. It should empower you. You have reached the threshold of "do I actually want to save this MR?" That's exactly where you want to be if you want to move forward successfully together or apart. You cannot be feeling co-dependent in any way if you want a reconciliation. You need to know that you could just as easily walk away. This is a giant leap to you leveling out the playing field in your relationship. H no longer holds the keys to whether the MR will last or not. You both do.

The snooping. We've all done it. Most of us have regretted it. I never read anything intimately between my H and OW. I watched the phone records, and I tracked his whereabouts but the idiot should've gotten his own phone or a burner if he really didn't want me to know. I actually turned my tracking off so he couldn't find me or know if I'd pop up where he and OW were. My H wasn't particularly good at cheating, or hiding it, so may be I had less of a need to dig. But now that you've seen what you've seen do you need to snoop more? Or is this enough for you?

You have more than enough for a divorce lawyer so as far as I'm concerned you need to be done now. Continuing to snoop will only hurt you. You may see something you didn't want to see and can't unsee it. You may get caught and all your efforts toward R will be tossed out the window. WSs looooovvvvvveeee a reason to act like they can't trust you. It makes them feel like the moral playing field has leveled out. On top of that, if you really want an R with this man how long are you going to invade his privacy instead of trying to rebuild trust? If there are things you want to know it's his job to let you know and to make you feel comfortable and safe. It's your job to make him feel like you're actually trying to move past the A. I won't condemn the snooping you've done you got some information you needed to see with your own eyes, but you need to end it here.

[wayfarer]

The waffling is normal and he will do it for a while. When he's all in you'll know it, but don't count on the "I will move mountains to be with you." That kind of remorse is truly few and far between. There will be no beating of his breast and crawling across glass to show you he loves you and does want to try. It will be in small incremental ways that he'll show you (not say, but truly show) he's dedicated to making this work.

The detachment you're feeling now is the goal. It shouldn't scare you. It should empower you. You have reached the threshold of "do I actually want to save this MR?" That's exactly where you want to be if you want to move forward successfully together or apart. You cannot be feeling co-dependent in any way if you want a reconciliation. You need to know that you could just as easily walk away. This is a giant leap to you leveling out the playing field in your relationship. H no longer holds the keys to whether the MR will last or not. You both do.

The snooping. We've all done it. Most of us have regretted it. I never read anything intimately between my H and OW. I watched the phone records, and I tracked his whereabouts but the idiot should've gotten his own phone or a burner if he really didn't want me to know. I actually turned my tracking off so he couldn't find me or know if I'd pop up where he and OW were. My H wasn't particularly good at cheating, or hiding it, so may be I had less of a need to dig. But now that you've seen what you've seen do you need to snoop more? Or is this enough for you?

You have more than enough for a divorce lawyer so as far as I'm concerned you need to be done now. Continuing to snoop will only hurt you. You may see something you didn't want to see and can't unsee it. You may get caught and all your efforts toward R will be tossed out the window. WSs looooovvvvvveeee a reason to act like they can't trust you. It makes them feel like the moral playing field has leveled out. On top of that, if you really want an R with this man how long are you going to invade his privacy instead of trying to rebuild trust? If there are things you want to know it's his job to let you know and to make you feel comfortable and safe. It's your job to make him feel like you're actually trying to move past the A. I won't condemn the snooping you've done you got some information you needed to see with your own eyes, but you need to end it here.

[OnlyBent]

You may see something you didn't want to see and can't unsee it. You may get caught and all your efforts toward R will be tossed out the window. WSs looooovvvvvveeee a reason to act like they can't trust you. It makes them feel like the moral playing field has leveled out. On top of that, if you really want an R with this man how long are you going to invade his privacy instead of trying to rebuild trust? If there are things you want to know it's his job to let you know and to make you feel comfortable and safe. It's your job to make him feel like you're actually trying to move past the A. I won't condemn the snooping you've done you got some information you needed to see with your own eyes, but you need to end it here.

All of this is very important.

[Michka]

How do I rebuild trust?

[LH19]

It’s his job to rebuild trust.

[Michka]

I agree it is his job.

We were seperated for a few months before they met. Not sure I would classify it as cheating. Just angry that he clearly lied about the extent of the relationship. He maintained it was merely a friendship that had developed "feelings" yet the emails I read was the about the eternal love he has for her even if they cant be together. To be clear, they both sound loopy, they knew each for four months (this has been confirmed from the emails I read) and her emails made it sound like her one true love was leaving.

I guess the truly detached would be reaching levels of peace and that none of it would be bothering them..but I am bothered by the lies.

This is exhausting just even thinking to reconnect. If what WF said was true and this waffling is to be expected... and it's highly unlikely i'll get any mountains moved. Then perhaps a better way to frame it is what is expected of me? If this is going to go ahead... then I want someone to give me what i am willing to give them. Without trying to sound arrogant, I am pretty good for a partner. He knows that I am trustworthy, honest, caring. I just want the same in return.

I want to know that when he says something, he means it. I want to know that for the most part, I have someone who is willing to stay the course and take this journey with me.

I hate that I don't have that. I also hate that if this has any potential of eventually working out then I feel I am moving the mountains, I am crawling along the grass. That the hard work is on me to try and forgive.

I guess thats the part that really gets to me.

[Michka]

OB...you are absolutely right its all very important. Just wanted to ask... whereabouts in Aus are you?

LH19...Im not sure it's a job he is willing to do.

Wayfarer... you were spot on!

So he waffled again, claimed he didn't want to work on us. I just said ok and walked away and he has started acting like a AH. I had a very important task due for my job today which i have every year.... he knows about it, I asked him if he would stay the weekend and support me...he agreed and it feels like he went out of his way to be anything but.

He abruptly walked out yesterday going off about how none of the kids were listening to him or eating, claimed he was visiting his office and was gone for about 2 hours (its around the corner and its his own business but he has always just used his laptop when he has work to do)
I wonder if the OW has been reaching out to him or he has been reaching out to her, we are in lockdown and there is honestly no where to go open. He came back calmer but still a AH. He then napped all afternoon, went got takeaway for him and the eldest then left.

Is he mourning her? Regretting choosing me? Should I even care?

I have just shut down with him. Not lovingly detached by any means, more angry and I don't want to deal with him. He has major issues he needs to deal with and Im just going to focus on me and the kids.

Really worried about the eldest, he has badly regressed in his sleep and is constantly analysing his fathers actions and movements. I have spent the morning calling around to see if I can set up a phone counselling session for him. He is only 8 but has always had such a wise and mature nature with a high EQ. So he is really feeling this.

[OnlyBent]

Pretty sure we're in the same city Michka

[BL42]

Michka,

He took the kids out to the park and left his computer... so i snooped. I found emails from the OW dated from after our last R talk, it appears they organised to meet up and from what I can understand he ended it with the OW. However it appears from the emails I did read that their relationship was much much more than what he let on. He declared she was his eternal love.... he will miss her...blah blah blah. She also appears to be an absolute drama queen. I printed off copies to keep. I am going to raise this issue with my DB coach but I dont know what to do. Do i leave it? He ended it as I asked. But he never told me and I haven nit bought up the transparency question with him.

Good sign he ended it. Better him secretively meeting up to end it than to jump in bed with her. Based on my It's not uncommon for them

My H wasn't particularly good at cheating, or hiding it, so may be I had less of a need to dig.

Are any of them? Seems like most are so caught up in the fantasty they have no idea how obvious their "secretive" behaviors are.

You have more than enough for a divorce lawyer so as far as I'm concerned you need to be done now.

Do you have a lawyer? If not consult with one (or three) NOW. Understand what matters or what doesn't. I did have ample evidence of the affair, but my L quickly let me know it had no bearing what so ever on the D, whether it'd be custody, alimony, or child support. However, IF it does in Australia where you are keep snooping and documenting in case you need it.

Continuing to snoop will only hurt you. You may see something you didn't want to see and can't unsee it. You may get caught and all your efforts toward R will be tossed out the window.

It does seem like you have more of a chance to R than most, so maybe it's best to stop snooping. I know it certainly hurt me and set me back every time I did, and if I had be given the chance to R it might've hurt my perspective to R.

WSs looooovvvvvveeee a reason to act like they can't trust you. It makes them feel like the moral playing field has leveled out.

Yep!
ExW: sounds like we have a trust issue (referring to me, as if she's not the one having the affair).
Me (thinking): Umm...yeah...for obvious reasons?

We were seperated for a few months before they met. Not sure I would classify it as cheating.

You're still married! It's cheating. He can't move out for a bit, test the field, move back and want to work on things, then move out and and date and have it not be cheating. You took vows. He has to honor them or not.

Just angry that he clearly lied about the extent of the relationship. He maintained it was merely a friendship that had developed "feelings" yet the emails I read was the about the eternal love he has for her even if they cant be together.

Unfortunately this is common. You'll read it A LOT on this board. Spouses having an affair will lie, lie, lie...only admitting what they've been caught on. My ExW's AP/OM1 was "just a coworker", then they had "been friends for 10 years", then "OK, we had an EA", then "we only kissed"...etc.

To be clear, they both sound loopy, they knew each for four months (this has been confirmed from the emails I read) and her emails made it sound like her one true love was leaving.

Unfortunately again, this is also very common...and "Loopy" is a great word for it.

My ExW & AP/OM1 had only known each other for a few months and yet "they were each others' person", they "would always have a bond", they just dreamt of their marriages being over and having the kids run around in the back yard together...etc. A few months later when the spouses and their employer found it was all over and ExW quickly had the same "loopy" talks with OM2.

It seems crazy to a rationally thinking person, but WAS/WWs can literally turn their back on their their spouses and think the AP is their one and only soul mate after a short period of time, ignoring all realities.

Really worried about the eldest, he has badly regressed in his sleep and is constantly analysing his fathers actions and movements. I have spent the morning calling around to see if I can set up a phone counselling session for him. He is only 8 but has always had such a wise and mature nature with a high EQ. So he is really feeling this.

Sorry. It's so hard to see the impacts on the kids. My S6 has cried many times over the last year, once 45 mins sobbing himself to sleep, but seems to be getting better over time. All you can do is your best for your kids. Be there for them. Be a great mom.