Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Wow, if I have my exchange rates right, that�s more than I paid my attorney for my whole divorce. She is a $700/hr laser scalpel. �What�s my expected outcome? What do you propose? How much would that cost me? What if I do nothing?� It�s true I or a paralegal do any legwork because her time�s more valuable. I was surprised your attorney was sending emails about utilities. If mine spent 15min on the topic, even if I won, I�d lose financially. As with mechanics and doctors, be discerning in what work you approve. PS - This is another area where you can take ownership or let things �just happen� to you.
She charges 196/hr (272.50USD) but bills loads of time for emails. So she sends me and email and I reply and she charges for both. They don't use paralegals or secretaries, but I may need to find another lawyer as I can't afford this going forward. She had me believe that I had a good claim for maintenance so we will see what the court says, but I can't afford this and she knows it. She was supposed to let me know when the costs exceeded 1,600 but she failed to do so.

I have emailed her saying that she was supposed to inform me and to give me an idea of costs going forward for the rest of the divorce. I shall make some more enquiries on Monday with other firms. They were basically telling me the entire divorce would be around 1,500gbp but I think my lawyer got carried away with the maintenance stuff and the financial stuff after we realised that the stbxw had taken money from all the accounts.

Really, I wish that I was emotionally stronger. All this stuff battering me one after the other without any let up is totally awful and is devastating my financial position and emotional health - I haven't stopped shaking all day due to the stress and I haven't slept either.

I decided to start sorting some of the stuff out that the stbxw and I have been carrying around with us for years. Stuff that we have collected on our travels and things that we use from time to time but have boxed up due to renting houses that have no space to put stuff.

I'm chucking bits and bobs we haven't used for years, my stuff that I don't really want and I'm separating her stuff and keeping or selling the rest. I shall leave a whole load of stuff here for her to decide if she wants. I'm only selling my stuff. It's horrible as it's like saying goodbye to all those times with each and every item bringing back a memory - it's killing me...

This is the absolutely worst time in my life and I feel that I'm barley hanging in there, but I am. I keep getting these thoughts and images pop into my head that my wife comes back home. I know she isn't going to and it's heartbreaking and the first time I've cried over her for weeks ... Today, I've really missed her - the woman she used to be.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
What a ride this life is turning out to be ..... in way of an update after receiving my lawyer huge bill on Friday...

Spoke to my lawyer this morning about fees, work, costs going forward, etc. She say that there was a lot of work to go in to preparing the court papers, which wouldn't have needed to be done if my stbxw would have agreed to pay maintenance between us. She didn't and therefore the court had to be petitioned and this incurred costs. The consists for this part of the process can be up to �5,000 ($6,900) and a claim has also been put in to recover the costs from the stbx as these would have never have been incurred if she had been prepared to come to an agreement, which is also likely to be accepted due to her conduct.

She told me that a divorce can cost between �5,000 - �25,0000 ($6,900 - $35,000), depending on how difficult the other party wants to be - at the moment, very it would appear. But seeing as I filed for adultery, initial costs have to be paid by me. Also I am led to believe that the person who files is seen as more favourable by the court? Other companies have told me this also.

The court still hasn't listed my case to be heard and they have been chased this morning. My lawyer has told me how to reduce costs by saving all the information I find out and send it all in one email, rather than as and when I have information.

She thinks that I should be successful in court with my claim, but she cannot guarantee it (of course) and that I should be good going forward for longer term claim also. She also recommended looking for places to live either in the local area (can't do this as I don't want to be around stbxw), or an area with similar house prices to here, otherwise it could affect my claim with a property rented in a cheaper area, which was my plan, if I was to change area later then the claim wouldn't be adjusted for a higher rent - so that's my focus, while keeping the house I found on the go just in case - referencing checks next.

She didn't charge me for the phone call, but I've still got to pay the bill, but at least I know that it should be able to be recovered. We discussed a couple of areas that will keep costs lower.

I am hoping that if I get maintenance agreed, then later down the line I can always put forward an offer for the stbxw not to have claim on anything (my pensions) and I'll stop claiming maintenance, depending on how things go. Always handy to have that leverage if I need to. So now it's about building evidence for the courts for the next stage. I certainly didn't expect this to get this bad though and thought that the stbxw would have been agreeable ... she seems to have changed, significantly.

I mentioned that I was anxious having received her invoice after close of business on a Friday and that I was unable to speak with her and it didn't help my situation. She was understanding and said that she would look into the procedures, as it's not a good thing to do. She also said that they were one of the cheaper law firms in the area due to the fact that they don't charge for everything. I saw that also, when one of the other firms recommended taking out a loan or re-mortgaging the house to pay for the cost of divorce.

So we'll see what happens next. I'm also looking to see if I can find any groups a bit further from here and work a bit more on my recently neglected GAL.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 54
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 54
Sorry man. As you said, when one spouse is difficult to work with, then the legal costs mount quickly. Just hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I think you will look back and be glad you got out of this when you did. Everything happens for a reason. Look for the silver-linings and don't dwell on the negative. GAL like a madman. Make it your mission to be as busy as you possibly can every waking hour!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,025
Likes: 56
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,025
Likes: 56
smilie,

Originally Posted by smilie
She charges 196/hr (272.50USD) but bills loads of time for emails.
Originally Posted by smilie
She told me that a divorce can cost between �5,000 - �25,0000 ($6,900 - $35,000), depending on how difficult the other party wants to be - at the moment, very it would appear.
I live in a different country, this rate doesn't sound outlandish. While my lawyer was one of the top in my area and billed at $300/hr, I don't live in a major city either where I'm sure the rates are much higher. Did you sign a retainer agreement? Mine specified exactly the rates/minimum cost per communication (meeting in office vs. meeting on phone vs. $75 for an email...etc.). I ended up paying ~$8k for the entire process, so not cheap but not $35k either.

Reach out to another attorney or two for a free consultation and ask about their rates / costs? Maybe there's a better option for you. Maybe there's an attorney willing to defer the payments until the judgement is finalized, knowing you'll likely receive maintenance / reimbursements for monies removed from accounts / lawyers fees...etc.

Another thing to keep in mind is in some jurisdictions the "more monied" spouse is responsible for paying part of the legal bills of the divorce for the "lessor money" spouse. Unfortunately for me, despite my ExW having the affair, filing for D, moving OM2 in with my kids...I had to contribute $3k to help pay for her to D me! What a world, right? However, IF that's the case where you are it would benefit you and may help your legal bills and an attorney's willingness to engage.

Originally Posted by smilie
This is the absolutely worst time in my life and I feel that I'm barley hanging in there, but I am. I keep getting these thoughts and images pop into my head that my wife comes back home. I know she isn't going to and it's heartbreaking and the first time I've cried over her for weeks ... Today, I've really missed her - the woman she used to be.
Sorry smilie. It is an awful experience - there's not way around it. Hang in there. You'll get through it eventually. You'll wake up one day and instead of each day or week feeling like a month you'll wonder "how has it been a year already?" .


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,361
Likes: 18
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,361
Likes: 18
Originally Posted by smilie
She thinks that I should be successful in court with my claim, but she cannot guarantee it (of course)
I would bet that almost every lawyer tells their client this.

The lawyers keep the emotions out of the negotiations, but they can be a financial drain on the clients if you let them argue (negotiate) every little thing. Determine what is important to claim for your side and attempt to minimize the $$ spent on things that don't matter.

Get educated on the divorce law in your area. Get a firm grip on what a judge would order. In the US, I see the lawyers attempting to have the parties settle after significant billable hours have happened but before the final court date.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I think you will look back and be glad you got out of this when you did. Everything happens for a reason. Look for the silver-linings and don't dwell on the negative. GAL like a madman. Make it your mission to be as busy as you possibly can every waking hour!
It's a shame that I didn't push more 10 years ago when we had counselling after she did this before. She insisted that she didn't have an affair, as she knew that I wouldn't take her back if she had - especially seeing as it was inside of a year of being married, although it probably was even before we were as you don't just move in with somebody at the drop of a hat. She was living somewhere either on her own and seeing someone else, or had moved in with someone else for best part of 9 months.

If I had 'seen' all that then, then I would have probably got out then ... or would I? I loved her.

Just a shame I'm so old now (55). It seems too late to start over again, especially after this is going to take ages to get over. I can't work a traditional job because of my condition and have no income. But, I'll keep looking for those silver linings.

It's difficult to GAL when I have no money and no social network either, but I need to focus and work out what I can do to GAL effectively with these limitations. I just feel isolated all the time and this is such a tiny town with nothing going on, so all GAL activities are alone. I've scoured 'meetup' and absolutely every 'in person' event on there is at least a 40 minute drive and then they're walking groups or yoga, absolutely nothing local to me at all. Which is annoying. Will have to think of more GAL activities.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by BL42
Reach out to another attorney or two for a free consultation and ask about their rates / costs? Maybe there's a better option for you. Maybe there's an attorney willing to defer the payments until the judgement is finalized, knowing you'll likely receive maintenance / reimbursements for monies removed from accounts / lawyers fees...etc.
I did do this rights at the beginning as I didn't have money to put down to employ a lawyer. Absolutely nobody would defer payment, as there are no guarantees on claiming monies back. One company wouldn't even talk with me without me paying them money, as the abnoxious guy I spoke with kept telling me I was asking to advice, when all I was doing was explaining my situation to see if their company could deal with that. Another company gave me the same quote �5,000-�25,000 suggesting that I take out a load to cover the costs.

Originally Posted by BL42
Another thing to keep in mind is in some jurisdictions the "more monied" spouse is responsible for paying part of the legal bills of the divorce for the "lessor money" spouse. Unfortunately for me, despite my ExW having the affair, filing for D, moving OM2 in with my kids...I had to contribute $3k to help pay for her to D me! What a world, right? However, IF that's the case where you are it would benefit you and may help your legal bills and an attorney's willingness to engage.
This is where my lawyer is good. She has also put in a claim for costs. This triggered a response from my stbxw's lawyer saying that they are surprised but would agreed to pay 50% of the costs. My lawyer turned around and basically said - no thank you, the only reason it has gone to court is because your client (my stbxw) refused to come to a resolution outside of court, therefore my claim for costs remains.

Originally Posted by BL42
Sorry smilie. It is an awful experience - there's not way around it. Hang in there. You'll get through it eventually. You'll wake up one day and instead of each day or week feeling like a month you'll wonder "how has it been a year already?" .
Let's hope eh? I really want to get started on my business ideas, but I'm in the wrong head space at the moment. I was hoping to move by the middle of August and then start it then, but my lawyer has told me to hold off to see what the courts decide about maintenance.

I wouldn't have thought this would actually get tougher as time went on - only week 11 though (11 weeks today!), so I guess it's early days still.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 54
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,431
Likes: 54


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,361
Likes: 18
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,361
Likes: 18
Originally Posted by smilie
Just a shame I'm so old now (55). It seems too late to start over again, especially after this is going to take ages to get over.
You are not old. You are 1 year older than me. As far as a timeline for getting over the relationship, It is going to take exactly how long you believe it will. Change your beliefs. You can choose to get over it sooner, or you can choose to let it drag out as long as you want. Your choice. Hopefully we have a good 30-40 more years left. Each of us could die today. Make today count. Don't dwell on the regrets of the past or the fears of the future. Create and find your happiness everyday.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
S
smilie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by BL42
Reach out to another attorney or two for a free consultation and ask about their rates / costs? Maybe there's a better option for you. Maybe there's an attorney willing to defer the payments until the judgement is finalized, knowing you'll likely receive maintenance / reimbursements for monies removed from accounts / lawyers fees...etc.
I did do this right at the beginning as I didn't have money to put down to employ a lawyer. Absolutely nobody would defer payment, as there are no guarantees on claiming monies back. One company wouldn't even talk with me without me paying them money, as the abnoxious guy I spoke with kept telling me I was asking for advice, when all I was doing was explaining my situation to see if their company could deal with that. Another company gave me the same quote �5,000-�25,000 suggesting that I take out a loan to cover the costs.

Originally Posted by BL42
Another thing to keep in mind is in some jurisdictions the "more monied" spouse is responsible for paying part of the legal bills of the divorce for the "lessor money" spouse. Unfortunately for me, despite my ExW having the affair, filing for D, moving OM2 in with my kids...I had to contribute $3k to help pay for her to D me! What a world, right? However, IF that's the case where you are it would benefit you and may help your legal bills and an attorney's willingness to engage.
This is where my lawyer is good. She has also put in a claim for costs. This triggered a response from my stbxw's lawyer saying that they are surprised but would agreed to pay 50% of the costs. My lawyer turned around and basically said - no thank you, the only reason it has gone to court is because your client (my stbxw) refused to come to a resolution outside of court, therefore my claim for costs remains.

Originally Posted by BL42
Sorry smilie. It is an awful experience - there's not way around it. Hang in there. You'll get through it eventually. You'll wake up one day and instead of each day or week feeling like a month you'll wonder "how has it been a year already?" .
Let's hope eh? I really want to get started on my business ideas, but I'm in the wrong head space at the moment. I was hoping to move by the middle of August and then start it then, but my lawyer has told me to hold off to see what the courts decide about maintenance. So probably be a winter project.

I wouldn't have thought this would actually get tougher as time went on - only week 11 though (11 weeks today!), so I guess it's early days still.

Read that and will read it a few times. It does feel like you will die, or more importantly that your life will go downhill and you'll be left on the streets with nothing - well, that's the story I'm telling myself at the moment. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

My brain finds it hard to do generalisations, such as "do the work", "let go" and "look after you". The same answer to all three is "How?". How do I do what work? How do I finally let go after just 10 short weeks? ... and ... How DO I let go?

As far as "the work" is concerned, I would imagine that made up of GALing, ICing, Reading & learning and in my case, getting as well as I can by sorting out this VM condition I have. For me it all rests on creating an income and that must be my focus when I get myself sorted.

Letting go is the hard bit, if that means just accepting that it is what it is, the relationship is over and I need to get on with my life on my own and build it up once again for the 5th time in my life and hopefully the last. How does one stop thinking about the other person they have shared the last 19 years with? I don't want to think about her all the time, it just happens. I don't like what I see in her now though and that has to help some way I would hope. I do feel worn out at the moment - stress, panic, emotional pain, lack of sleep and not sure if I have the strength to do that, but then again I'm still standing so I must have something somewhere that I didn't realise I had.

Looking after me? Being kind to myself? Making sure I'm ok? I don't suppose I've done that for a long time and will need to learn again.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
As far as a timeline for getting over the relationship, It is going to take exactly how long you believe it will. Change your beliefs. You can choose to get over it sooner, or you can choose to let it drag out as long as you want. Your choice.
You are exactly right, it is a choice. It's all just thought and the limitations you are willing to accept giving yourself. I know this, so why can't I seem to do anything about it? I shall ponder that....

One thing is for sure though, the people here are amazing. You are all my support network at the moment and I feel so grateful to each and every one of you. I don't think any of you will ever know how much it means just for you to be there, to offer support - or a stern tongue - and all just for the love of your fellow man (in my case). I shall be eternally grateful and will certainly pay it forward when I have the opportunity to do so.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard