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A Message from Michele
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Originally Posted by smilie
a strategy to leave me penniless and then continues to try to crush me into the ground and treat me as if she absolutely despises me,
Despising you implies attachment. I suspect detachment, that she wants what's best for herself and her family.



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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smilie
a strategy to leave me penniless and then continues to try to crush me into the ground and treat me as if she absolutely despises me,
Despising you implies attachment. I suspect detachment, that she wants what's best for herself and her family.
Maybe. It's still been a long planned out strategy though, certainly not a last minute thing. Seeing as money was drawn out of account last year, and been dribbling out since May 2109 and everything co-ordinated one after the other until complete, right down to acting as if everything was fine up until the day before she left - and that was only because I caught her hiding a small bag and postal address being changed with each company/creditors she deals with (rather than a redirect put in place). If I hadn't have seen that she had packed a bag, then she would have "gone out for coffee" with her sister who she arranged to come over, and never have come back and she would have sent me a text message then.

I can't remember if I said, but I found out that she went on holiday straight afterwards. Hurts like hell. And today she is trying to say that she had grounds for divorce, which she didn't and I suspect that she is trying to make out that I was nasty to her, which I would never be as I though the world of her. So that would be the 'rewriting history' part then I suppose?

So am I safe to assume that all her family and people she knows (even though they've known me for years also), think I'm some kind of wicked abusive husband? If this is the case then it would upset me no end, but I bet that is exactly the angle she has taken, as she knows that my last girlfriend painted me like this to her family and knew how much it upset me.

I really don't know why some women always seem to go down this route and try to dirty somebody's credibility - what is their angle? Surely it can't be just because they don't want to take any responsibility for their actions? It doesn't makes sense, see as she was the one having affairs for years and moved in with somebody twice!


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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I know my ex went around bashing me and making me out to be some emotionally abusive a-hole to anyone who would listen when she left. She did it to portray herself as the victim and get people to approve of her decision, and cheer her on.

I did just the opposite with our friends, when I was asked about her. I would just say it didn't work out and that I hope she finds what she's looking for.

What's crazy is it's been two years since we split and had any contact with each other, and my mom has told me my ex has called her and expressed regret about leaving me. Go figure...

There's nothing you can do about it so let it go. I think most rational people will be able to see what she's doing considering she is the repeat offender cheater between the two of you.

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Originally Posted by smilie
I really don't know why some women always seem to go down this route and try to dirty somebody's credibility - what is their angle? Surely it can't be just because they don't want to take any responsibility for their actions? It doesn't makes sense, see as she was the one having affairs for years and moved in with somebody twice!
I suspect you are going to get smacked around about this comment my friend.


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“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by smilie
Originally Posted by SteveLW
This latest update is disturbing to me. I sincerely hope that you can find therapy somehow someway. This last post seems desperate and hopeless.
That's how I felt, still feel. This is such an awful situation and I'm doing my best to sort as much as I can then it becomes overwhelming. I'm sorry if I came across really bad. I did reach out to a crisis line to chat through a few things and the girl was really helpful - although it makes me feel pathetic. Through all of this the biggest thing that gives me the most pain is that somebody who I have truly loved for all these years, has been having a long-term affair (it would seem) and has co-ordinated a strategy to leave me penniless and then continues to try to crush me into the ground and treat me as if she absolutely despises me, all without reason. That hurts deep and that's what I can't get my head round and I never will and that's what messes me up a lot. It truly is unbelievable and it's like I'm in some sort of drama series where each day is a new episode.

smilie, I've told you this before, but this all has a lot less to do with you than you think it does. She isn't out to ruin you, she is just trying to be happy. Is she going about it all wrong? Absolutely. But no one can tell her that, she has to find it out on her own.

You need to try to separate yourself from her actions. That is what detachment is. Is it difficult to do? You betcha! But it is the only path forward. The alternative is to sit and stew on everything like you are currently doing.


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Originally Posted by smilie
Through all of this the biggest thing that gives me the most pain is that somebody who I have truly loved for all these years, has been having a long-term affair (it would seem) and has co-ordinated a strategy to leave me penniless and then continues to try to crush me into the ground and treat me as if she absolutely despises me, all without reason.

"I've been planning on divorcing you for years"-MyExWife

I will never know how much $$$ she pulled from our "Joint" money before BD. I just know I caught her withdrawing a large amount thanks to my financial adviser "mentioning" the check. He knew what was going on.


Listen, we all relate to your experience. There are so many things to process. Prioritize them. There are many reasons for the way she is treating you right now, but knowing them and understanding them is not important at this stage.

I see you soo focused on her side of the fence. Focus on your side and what you can control. Take a hard look at your behaviors and traits and decide which ones you like and which ones you don't. Drop the ones you don't like. Then take a good look at traits and behaviors in other men that you like that you don't have. Start adding them to you.

You just found out Santa isn't real, and that is OK. Morn the loss of the relationship and find out how to be happy alone. At the same time, fight for what is legally yours. Make your claims with your Lawyer and let them do what you are paying them for.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by smilie
I really don't know why some women always seem to go down this route and try to dirty somebody's credibility - what is their angle? Surely it can't be just because they don't want to take any responsibility for their actions? It doesn't makes sense, see as she was the one having affairs for years and moved in with somebody twice!
I suspect you are going to get smacked around about this comment my friend.
Not again! I'm always saying the wrong thing, but it's just my experience. Don't want to offend! frown


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
I've told you this before, but this all has a lot less to do with you than you think it does. She isn't out to ruin you, she is just trying to be happy. Is she going about it all wrong? Absolutely. But no one can tell her that, she has to find it out on her own.
I know you have and I trust you are right. Others too have said that it's not personal, but it sure as hell feels like it is just that and it's difficult to see otherwise. As you say, she has gone about it all wrong. If she wanted out all she had to do was say and a conversation could have been held, rather than lie, cheat and steal and make it all so complicated. I think it was wayfarer that said that it'll probably get worse (or CWarrior). Isn't it strange that some people think that in order for them to be happy, they have to try and ruin somebody's else's life, rather than find out why they don't feel happy inside? That's how it seems to me.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
You need to try to separate yourself from her actions. That is what detachment is. Is it difficult to do? You betcha! But it is the only path forward. The alternative is to sit and stew on everything like you are currently doing.
I'm trying not to stew, honestly. In actual fact this time of day is better for me as I feel fairly relaxed. It's the first 75% of the day that's tough and I don't know why. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore. Spent some time in the garden today tidying up I think that done some good.

So detachment. How? I wish there was a book for this that I could read - "Detachment in 21 Days". I do not know how to do this. Even somebody telling me that she went on holiday immediately after leaving, affects me. I've even read the detachment thread and I still can't work it out. Perhaps I am destined for stupidity and that's why I didn't know she was having an affair or that I let it happen more than once.

My neighbour brought loads of boxes home for me today (he's the assistant manager of a small supermarket), so I can start separating stuff out now - her stuff, my stuff, stuff to sell for moving to bin stuff. Perhaps that will help detach a bit. I'm going down the coffee shop every morning to be around people and doing stuff like sorting things through for moving, writing emails, making phone calls or reading. I have sussed out they have internet too, just in case I get cut off here soon, so at least I can still function to some degree, if not at a very slow speed!

I just wish there was more going on around this sleepy country town, as it would probably make detaching slightly easier.

If there is a hidden secret, I would appreciate a share smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Just read the detachment thread again and I've read something different this time. I also came across a post by "Maybe" towards the end and it made me think back when I was an IT Consultant/Contractor. I liked it as I didn't need to get involved in company politics or petty squabbles between employees. I went in and done the job I was paid for doing a certain task. I kept one step back from the office politics - I didn't let things affect me in any level, didn't have an opinion on it, didn't get involved - I actually liked it like that.

So that to me is similar to, or the same as, detachment and is a good way for me to start looking at it from that perspective.

Last edited by smilie; 07/29/21 09:49 PM.

M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
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Originally Posted by smilie
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by smilie
I really don't know why some women always seem to go down this route and try to dirty somebody's credibility - what is their angle? Surely it can't be just because they don't want to take any responsibility for their actions? It doesn't makes sense, see as she was the one having affairs for years and moved in with somebody twice!
I suspect you are going to get smacked around about this comment my friend.
Not again! I'm always saying the wrong thing, but it's just my experience. Don't want to offend! frown
Smilies my point is it is not a gender thing its a WW thing. They have to justify their actions to ease the burden of guilt.

How does "Smilies was a great and almost perfect husband who loved me dearly. Having said that, I am going to shack up with OM"?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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