Can you construct a picture in your mind of what a better relationship would look like? Someone who is kind. Who likes your bow ties. Who wants intimacy. Who can share an intellectual discussion with you? It's not too much to ask.
I can't envision that at all frankly. On the one hand, that indicates that I really don't know what I want, but on the other could mean that I have lost a lot of pre-conceptions on what would make a good partner. You are right about the basics and non-negotiables. Kind heart. Patient with a certain level of ecentricity. "Warmth" who can enjoy just "being" if that makes sense.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Values can get stomped on, even by ourselves. It's ok. Pick em out of the mud. Belief in respect, trust, honour, etc. doesn't shatter from pressure. Strengthen that which serves you.
Indeed. Those are core values that have been handed down from my ancestors and reinforced. Like anything precious, making sure they are protected is important so my risk tolerance is a lot lower these days.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Chicks dig scars I'm told. Lol
Well I'm just a chick magnet then My hands are fairly scarred from growing up on a farm and I have some scars on my back from barely making it out of a burning house when I was just a baby. Nose broken at least 3 times and largely reset - I was in varsity wrestling and not very good at it. I will say that it's been nearly 40 years since my last bar-fight and that was because a guy was dis-respecting a girl he was with. He was rather surprised when I tossed him out the back door and closed it after. The girl it turned out was less than pleased and got mad at me for being "so unfair" to him because I was probably 1/3 again his size. Can't win them all I suppose. That was the last time that trouble seemed to find me which I'm grateful for because I'm not at all an aggressive person.
Originally Posted by kml
What is the purpose of the porch now that it's no longer a storage unit?
Ohhh - buuurrrnnn!
The front porch is in my mind poorly designed for most practical uses. The windows are too high to put furniture out there and watch the world go by. On a nice sunny day though it will generate enough heat to warm up the house. I probably won't put in new flooring any time soon. What's left in there is serviceable albeit ugly with the remaining glue.
Given an unlimited budget, I'd probably tear it off and replace it with the open porch that this house originally had. All part of the "if it ain't broke" philosophy that keeps me from doing a lot of things around here.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
Thank you for my new favorite word "explody". Explody is bad, but it provides an opportunity for rebuilding.
Lots of great words found here. A former poster and a lovely lady, Vanilla, I believe introduced me to the word Wassock.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
Have you ever read anything by Pema Chodron? She's an American Buddhist. At the beginning I read a book called "When Things Fall Apart".
My "to be read pile" is fairly large at present but I'll have a look for this. Still working through my book on the history of the late 15th century so this would certainly be a departure from that.
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Work life is still crazy busy. I've had a few conversations with my boss about if I'm actually a good fit for the role I'm doing or not. I know he's frustrated because what is obvious to him (after a career doing this) I struggle with. I also have a different approach to things than he does. I can almost hear him creak as he struggles to match his way of doing things to mine. As an example of our differences, I'm a "clean desk" person. My inbox and desk are clean at the end of the day. For him, he has piles everywhere and knows where it all is.
I'm building a good rapport with the guys in the plant - as I say regularly - they're the ones doing the real work where I'm just the guy who carries a clip-board around and waves it at people. Things are going better with most of our transport partners. If things go sideways I'll go out and wave my clipboard at them and assure them that we'll get things sorted out which is rather different than the past when they were just left to stew and not know what was going on.
It's interesting how the contacts I've built over the years work out. A former colleague of mine who is in sales has been picking my brain about the particular chemistry I'm working with and how it's sold and marketed. He has a few leads which could lead to some addition to our rail business. I've given him some pointers on how our products are marketed and packaged. He's going to be moving back to Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan from Western but Not Quite Fully West but more West than DnJ Kanukistan soon and we'll probably get together for lunch at some point (waves at any Terry Pratchett fans out there). I've warned my son that he has a daughter (who I've been told is pretty - and rather "type A") who we may be looking at setting him up with.
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I was a bit surprised today when my son texted me asking if he could stop by the house to get some water after picking up his new prescription for his glasses. Seemed odd - he said the cat was very confused too. He left me a nice thank-you note for the water and waved at the video camera pointed at the door. Next week I'm taking him up to his eye specialist appointment - his optometrist identified something about some tubes in the back of his eye being unusually small and they'll be dilating his pupils so won't be able to drive after.
Part of my general over-thinking wonders why he drove 20 minutes out of his way for a drink of water - perhaps he wanted to see the front porch (?) And the cat is quite cute.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It’s 1:00 am here out west. My dogs woke me up as they were barking at something rummaging around in the bushes. As such, and since the caffeine I ingested in the evening seems to have kicked in, I find myself doing a wee bit of late night reading.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Part of my general over-thinking wonders why he drove 20 minutes out of his way for a drink of water - perhaps he wanted to see the front porch (?) And the cat is quite cute.
He is your son. He thinks and wonders too. He is also checking in on you in a certain way.
Somewhere in their mid twenties these kids turn into adults. They really start demonstrating those instilled values.
S26 grew up in that house. He probably enjoyed seeing it again. His visit sounded rather calm, with even an easy-going wave at the camera.
His thank you note is not really just for the water - it’s for you! For being his Dad. He is showing his caring about you and figuring out how to actually express those emotions. You know those squishy ones - love, respect, admiration, and such. The ones that get kind of lost during adolescence. Growing up brings strength, part of which is the ability to know and show one’s feelings.
Our little child is for a long time completely dependent upon us. We are Godlike in their eyes; all knowing and all powerful.
Then they become teenagers and rebel and test. We turn rather dumb for many years (lol), and are somewhat ignored as they learn and experience standing on their own two feet.
In a while adulthood starts to show through. Our children grow up and accept that Dad is not all knowing and all powerful. Rather a pretty normal person who willingly sacrificed so very much to raise them as best they could. Adolescence is a difficult time as one’s view of their parent(s) turns from child-like to peer-like.
S26 lives on his own. Has his own life. Is making his way. And has for some time now. He is now getting to the point when your relationship becomes more grown up. You’re still Dad. He is still son. There is a loss of some things and a gain of some things. And that takes time to accept. (For us as well.)
Do realize you are more a role model now than you’ve ever been. His childhood is in the immutable past. Adolescence is giving way to manhood. He is watching (and thanking) a good example.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agree with DnJ about your son’s water break at your house. That note was about way more than a quick sip of water.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It’s 1:00 am here out west. My dogs woke me up as they were barking at something rummaging around in the bushes.
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
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Just an aside about things at work. It's annoying that a lot of the guys are more afraid of making a mistake that will cause them to be "called in to the office" than of just doing a good job and pointing out things that don't make sense. The Operations manager is certainly not well loved.
One thing I wanted to touch on about my conversation with my boss the other day was one thing that pleased me. He said that he's never seen me back down from a challenge. I'm rather proud of that. There are several circumstances where maybe I should have but I generally muddle through. One example is that the operations manager is on vacation right now and one of the engineers was asking me to validate some railcar weights. I had no clue how to do this, talked to my boss who wasn't sure either on the details but knew that the scale tickets had to be checked against other records. So - out to the plant to talk to the guys who do the weighing, finding the scale tickets, pulling up 3 different sets of records, cross referencing them all, finding out that everyone had done their job properly and then marking the task off as done.
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I did make a few mistakes this past week that I need to learn from. I have about 60 tonnes of product sitting in trailers for deliveries that were rescheduled at the last minute. The logistics company and I both thought it was a good idea to "get ahead" and preload since we had spare capacity. So these trailers will end up sitting in the yard for a couple of extra days reducing our loading capacity. Learning learning learning. My boss is pretty pointed in his comments, but isn't nasty about it. Sometimes these sorts of decisions are the right ones and sometimes not. Experience will guide me on making better choices.
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Trying to decide what to do with my son for his birthday. It's mid-week in a couple of weeks so we'll both be working on schedules that don't mesh. Even though I'm big on celebrating "on the day", I may invite him over for dinner on the Sunday before instead of us doing brunch. It's been a while since I've made a cake - my friend who runs the bake shop around the corner is on vacation. He'll be 27 - wow. I usually only get the kids a card or for my daughter flowers as well since I can't do cake and dinner for her. I'm assuming he has no other plans other than perhaps poker night on that Sunday.
This is where I do wonder about my son's relationship with his mother. They've always been close and he's always been her go-to for someone to do things for her - be it dog-sitting or going through items in the office years ago. I have no problem at all if he answers any questions she might have - I have nothing to hide. Where I object is when she uses him - and I know she has in the past - to look for information. It's really unfair to put him into that position.
I'm going to follow the lead of DnJ and Dawn here and accept the surface facts. The kid was thirsty for water and to see the cat.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well - what a small world it is indeed. I messaged "C" today for the first time in a long time apologizing for the 'radio silence' and saying that I've been crazy busy with work, asking after her and the kids and suggesting that it would be nice to catch up.
For the present it doesn't work because she and the kids are off visiting family for a few weeks but she mentioned that she may be up in my geography more often as her best friends have bought the brewery in my village.
She's turning 50 this week and is wanting to spend it with family and celebrate - as I'm sure she will.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey Andrew, glad to hear you are finally planning to make a move on "C". Sounds exciting, even if it's a few weeks away. I'm sure your house will be as prepared as those 1800s naval vessels.
I'm sure I'm in the minority, but I'm still confused about C. Unless I'm misremembering, is she not the one that you were super interested in, but she seemed to kind of friend zone you (as I recall, though, she was separated and not yet divorced, so that could've been part of it)? I also seem to recall some loose familial tie by marriage...am I remembering the right person? If so, I'm going on record now in saying PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!! As best I recall, this woman does have her stuff together, assuming I'm remembering the right one, and is a different lot than either B or S, but still, be careful.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I'm sure I'm in the minority, but I'm still confused about C. Unless I'm misremembering, is she not the one that you were super interested in, but she seemed to kind of friend zone you (as I recall, though, she was separated and not yet divorced, so that could've been part of it)? I also seem to recall some loose familial tie by marriage...am I remembering the right person? If so, I'm going on record now in saying PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!! As best I recall, this woman does have her stuff together, assuming I'm remembering the right one, and is a different lot than either B or S, but still, be careful.
Your memory is flawless as always. "Technically" she's my niece. She's the daughter of my oldest sister's now deceased partner from his first marriage. My sister was never in any sort of parental role and I think she didn't have much of a relationship with her Dad. We met at her Dad's funeral just a year or so before her own marriage went all "explody".
I remember telling my SIL at the time that if I were to meet someone that I hoped it would be someone like her. Smart, self-confident, a bit sassy and with an obviously kind heart. A bit cynical about the world which undoubtedly has increased post-divorce.
I think there was a certain amount of pursuit by her of me initially that at one point involved her spending the night here (in the guest bedroom - I'm not a complete cad and she was tipsy). When I pursued back, things cooled off and since she was in the middle of a high conflict divorce that could be understandable. We drifted apart and then I met "B" because in those days I was actively interested in dating. We've stayed in touch over the years in a "friendly acquaintance" type of way.
It will be nice to catch up. She's an interesting person who leads an interesting life. There were things that were certainly identified as red flags back 3 years ago and I've certainly learned a lot since then including - I hope - to value myself a lot higher than I used to. No clue if anything will go anywhere but as I'm sure our friend CWarrior will agree, having friends with different perspectives on life is nice regardless of their gender. Women are indeed people and not just objects to decide if they are worthwhile as a mate or for poontang.
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Another small town "funny". Got an emailed bill from my lawyer yesterday for charges for a consult on my divorce. One of my multiple cousins who happen to have the same name (we're a poor family and can only afford so many ) is getting a divorce and happened to go to the same lawyer. I called the office and assured them that I was thoroughly deleting the email and suggesting they update their records. For things like doctors, pharmacy etc, I make extra sure that they have the correct AndrewP.
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Ran my son off to his eye doctor's appointment. His optometrist identified some sort of issue with the drainage system inside his eyeballs. The specialist took a look and said there was no immediate cause for concern but at some point they may need to do some sort of laser surgery on him. I took the morning "off" and drove him up because there was concern that he wouldn't be able to drive after.
The plant only called 2 times and the trucking company once while I was "off" and I was able to deal with things from the car without an issue.
He offered to buy me brunch and we went to a nice cafe that his mother and I used to go to. It's nice to be at the point where that sort of thing doesn't hurt and that I can mention that his mother and I enjoyed a place to him without it being awkward or uncomfortable.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Facebook reminded me today that it would have been my 32nd anniversary. Wow. Where does the time go.
The memories that popped up (originally written as pooped) gave me feelings that mixed fond nostalgia with sadness. Makes me wonder if my ex remembers what day it is, but of course she does. She may well have similar thoughts - or not. As of a year or two ago her social media was still filled with pictures of the two of us together which she never pulled down. I purged much of mine. I don't regret doing that.
We did make it to our 26th anniversary which often seems to be a milestone that pops up in other threads here and there for a spouse to go a-wandering.
The question of "would you take them back" gets asked from time to time. The woman I dated last year - "S" - was especially concerned about that I think when she found out that it wasn't me that ended the marriage. I still can't see that ever happening - certainly on my side and I'm sure on her's. Too much water has been passed. The postings from the year she left reminded me that I indeed did leave that door ajar and the light on for a long time giving her more than ample opportunity to turn around. My conscience is clean on that and also on closing the door eventually.
You can only give people so many chances to hurt you before you cry "hold enough" e'en if it makes you damned in the eyes of some. Like the lead character in a certain play set in Scotland, there came a time when despite whatever tragic flaws may have driven you to your place in life, you say
Quote
There is nor flying hence nor tarrying here. I gin to be aweary of the sun, And wish the estate o' the world were now undone. Ring the alarum-bell! Blow, wind! come, wrack! At least we'll die with harness on our back.
And as I found, there is indeed a worthy life on the other side of that battle. One different than that which I would have chosen, but one worth living.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My hands are fairly scarred from growing up on a farm and I have some scars on my back from barely making it out of a burning house when I was just a baby. Nose broken at least 3 times and largely reset - I was in varsity wrestling and not very good at it. I will say that it's been nearly 40 years since my last bar-fight and that was because a guy was dis-respecting a girl he was with. He was rather surprised when I tossed him out the back door and closed it after. The girl it turned out was less than pleased and got mad at me for being "so unfair" to him because I was probably 1/3 again his size. Can't win them all I suppose. That was the last time that trouble seemed to find me which I'm grateful for because I'm not at all an aggressive person.
) is getting a divorce and happened to go to the same lawyer. I called the office and assured them that I was thoroughly deleting the email and suggesting they update their records. For things like doctors, pharmacy etc, I make extra sure that they have the correct AndrewP.