Rebuilding and renewal - 5

[bttrfly]

Woke up this morning to being spammed on my IG account. Some seemingly random woman from the US liked and commented on posts going back over a year and then messaged me her cell phone number and invited me to chat. Unlike most times that seemingly random women are reaching out to me, this one doesn't have a half-naked profile picture and actually seems like a real person. Regardless - I'm not going to respond.

Do I need to go back and add some half-naked pics to my seemingly random woman profile so you'll respond to me? I'm sure the response would be something like "for the love of God, woman, put some d@mn clothes ON", but whatever.........geez, I just wanted to chat. :P

this wins the interwebs for the week, lmao

[dream]

Hi Andrew,
How are ya? This has been on my mind for some time... Who told you that XW is "retired"? You keep bringing it up and I keep saying (to myself) to stay out of it... but according to her facebook, she is working. Full time. Far from "retired!"

ps: I keep my temper inside the house too.

[AndrewP]

Hi Andrew,
How are ya? This has been on my mind for some time... Who told you that XW is "retired"? You keep bringing it up and I keep saying (to myself) to stay out of it... but according to her facebook, she is working. Full time. Far from "retired!"

ps: I keep my temper inside the house too.

DREAM!! Good to hear from you. Hope you and the boys are continuing to do well and are staying safe. The oldest must almost be a teenager now?

News to me that she's working full time - you've got better information than I do. It was the mother of 20S who mentioned it to me probably about a bit over a year ago when I was dropping off some of her daughter's furniture to make room for S and her brood to move in. Small towns - everyone has their nose in everyone else's business. I've no information more recent than that. I don't ask anyone if they know anything and most of my friends don't say anything. The one person who used to feed me a constant stream of information stopped talking to me (long story) more than a year ago and things are much more peaceful.

[dream]

I've purposely been not saying anything because I don't want to add to the mix... but I couldn't take it anymore! lol She was probably in between jobs when 20S mother told you that. Who knows?! But things aren't always as they seem.

We're all doing well here. Got our vaccines as soon as possible and we've managed to avoid covid. Oldest is now 15!!! He's signed up to learn how to drive this fall. Next in line is 13... still a social butterfly and a huge help around the house with younger brothers and various tasks. And then next boy is 5 and starting kindergarten in the fall. He's super excited!!! and the baby will be 3 come fall... Growing up so fast. lol.

I'd like to hear more about what you're doing to take care of yourself... any walks lately? Whatever happened with the lady from work who you got ice cream with years ago?

[AndrewP]

I've purposely been not saying anything because I don't want to add to the mix... but I couldn't take it anymore! lol She was probably in between jobs when 20S mother told you that. Who knows?! But things aren't always as they seem.

You can say that again. If they were, none of us would be showing up on this doorstep full of confusion and pain.

We're all doing well here. Got our vaccines as soon as possible and we've managed to avoid covid. Oldest is now 15!!! He's signed up to learn how to drive this fall. Next in line is 13... still a social butterfly and a huge help around the house with younger brothers and various tasks. And then next boy is 5 and starting kindergarten in the fall. He's super excited!!! and the baby will be 3 come fall... Growing up so fast. lol.

Wow - where does the time go. Glad to hear everyone is doing well.

I'd like to hear more about what you're doing to take care of yourself... any walks lately? Whatever happened with the lady from work who you got ice cream with years ago?

Work life is just stupid busy right now.
Getting a bit better as I learn but no time for outside activities including walks. I do need to make them a priority again.

I do get a fair bit of movement in at work as I'm a "walk around and look at it kind of guy" I just got back from climbing up and down a loading rack and I'm in and out of the plant and up and down stairs a fair bit - but still nothing consistent.

I also need to make more reading time. A new book on the history around the end of the 15th century just came out that I've been looking forward to. I believe it auto-downloaded to my e-reader last night as I pre-ordered it.

My friend from the ice cream walks is still around. I've not seen her physically in well over a year but will probably be seeing her in about a month or so - she's my girl-guide cookie supplier and I've ordered 2 cases. One for my daughter and her husband and the other for my son and I to share. I also see her most Fridays on the Zoom Happy Hour that a bunch of my colleagues have been participating in. One of my best friends thinks I should be dating her - he knows us both. The logistics of that doesn't play out well though as she lives about 2 1/2 hours away. Still living with her parents in her early 40s - never married - I'm not aware of any serious relationship either and I've known her for at least 15 years. There seem to be a number of women who just never "settled down" even though they are capable and caring people. Perhaps "never settled" is maybe an accurate description. I have another friend who I've lost touch with that once assured me that her entire condo building was filled with middle-aged single women who would love to date someone like me.

[AndrewP]

Quieter day at the plant today. We only have 4 railcars on our sidings today and only 1 of those needs attention as opposed to the usual 8 or so. Shipments are lower today too. Just the way the day worked out.

I did have a minor altercation with a driver who showed up unscheduled looking for a load. I had told him that I'd have to check to see if he could be loaded and he pulled in between asking the question and getting the answer and convinced the operator that he should be loaded so I walked out to chat. Not a happy person. All I could do was shrug my shoulders and let him know that the answer was no and that he'll have to wait for the tanks to fill up more and then we'd load him. He was about to blow a gasket but turned and left. Certainly something to be said for being non-confrontational. I can understand his frustration though. He knows it's a quieter day today and they want to roll all the wagons through that they can during regular hours.

---

So a couple of days ago was the 5 year anniversary of my XW moving out (finally) after months of the horrors of in-house separation. I had been watching for it but it went by while I was busy doing other things.

As has been discussed on DnJ's thread, there's still a certain level of WTF about what happened and how it has played out. Part of me wishes for Karma to drive by and bite her in the butt still but largely I don't wish her any ill.

At the time I honestly felt that she was mentally ill, perhaps caused by a MLC or menopause or whatever. Like you do with a partner who you feel is ill, I was patient and kind and ensured she knew that she could continue to trust and rely on me. That probably dragged things out a lot more than they should have. Perhaps I should have tossed her and her stuff out into the snowbank, but that's not the sort of person I was. Am I still? I hope to never have to find out - but I'm certainly wiser than before.

Was she in her right mind prior to the affair, during the affair, or was she fully rational and cognizant of the impact of her actions? No way to tell. I expect not the latter though as she seemed truly shocked and surprised when I eventually cut her loose.

For both of us, our lives are not at all like what I am sure we had both imagined previously. I'm going to have to work longer and have less career flexibility than I might have had otherwise. Not that I don't find my existing role challenging and interesting, but my options to leave are limited because I'm obliged to send that large monthly payment. That means that taking career risks by jumping companies isn't a great option for me.

For her, no clue. Things that I thought used to be part of her self-identity; her volunteer work with youth, her job, being Mrs P - the long suffering wife of a hard-working nerd who thought the world of her, the respect of her friends and the community. Some of her friends I know have stood by her, but what they think of her? No clue. I would have a hard time imaging her gaining anything. If she ran off seeking her freedom and the ability to do whatever she wanted, I'm not seeing that. From the little I can see, she lives more conservatively than if we had been still together although she did get the requisite tattoos that come as part of the MLC package.

Speculation happens even though it is useless. If you don't examine your entrails you can't understand what ends up in the toilet These days I feel like I'm living in a version of limbo. The path before me is unclear and like I often do, I sit and stare at the mists rather than striding forward into them.

[LH19]

As has been discussed on DnJ's thread, there's still a certain level of WTF about what happened and how it has played out.

People tend to end relationships for 2 reasons, loss of attraction or can't see a happy future together.

Part of me wishes for Karma to drive by and bite her in the butt still but largely I don't wish her any ill.

So unhappiness. Not death.

At the time I honestly felt that she was mentally ill, perhaps caused by a MLC or menopause or whatever. Like you do with a partner who you feel is ill, I was patient and kind and ensured she knew that she could continue to trust and rely on me. That probably dragged things out a lot more than they should have. Perhaps I should have tossed her and her stuff out into the snowbank, but that's not the sort of person I was. Am I still? I hope to never have to find out - but I'm certainly wiser than before.

Hope adulatory is a boundary for you.

Was she in her right mind prior to the affair, during the affair, or was she fully rational and cognizant of the impact of her actions?

Yes

No way to tell. I expect not the latter though as she seemed truly shocked and surprised when I eventually cut her loose.

What do you mean your cut her loose? Allowed her to leave you?

For both of us, our lives are not at all like what I am sure we had both imagined previously. I'm going to have to work longer and have less career flexibility than I might have had otherwise. Not that I don't find my existing role challenging and interesting, but my options to leave are limited because I'm obliged to send that large monthly payment. That means that taking career risks by jumping companies isn't a great option for me.

Sounds like an excuse. A new job would mean another paycheck right?

For her, no clue. Things that I thought used to be part of her self-identity; her volunteer work with youth, her job, being Mrs P - the long suffering wife of a hard-working nerd who thought the world of her, the respect of her friends and the community. Some of her friends I know have stood by her, but what they think of her? No clue.

My guess they think she was a person who was unhappy in her marriage like many others and moved on.

I would have a hard time imaging her gaining anything. If she ran off seeking her freedom and the ability to do whatever she wanted, I'm not seeing that. From the little I can see, she lives more conservatively than if we had been still together although she did get the requisite tattoos that come as part of the MLC package.

Maybe maybe not. It's hard to come back with your tail between your legs.

Speculation happens even though it is useless. If you don't examine your entrails you can't understand what ends up in the toilet

Definitely useless unless you learn something. What have you learned?

These days I feel like I'm living in a version of limbo.

Waiting for her to come back or until you die?

The path before me is unclear and like I often do, I sit and stare at the mists rather than striding forward into them.

That's a you problem my Canadian brother.

[Traveler]

Hi Andrew,

the respect of her friends and the community. Some of her friends I know have stood by her, but what they think of her?

My XGF and I have a friend in common, so I don't have to guess. A person can see a flaw in someone and still respect them, value them, want what's best for them. I'm sure each of her friends sees her positives and negatives a little differently. She's an ex, though, so it's probably not a good use of time wondering what they each think about her? (:

[kml]

I don’t agree with LH. MLCers often leave because they’re depressed and think that will change if they’re with someone new (it seldom does because, wherever you go, there you are). Or because they’re bored and craving novelty (my ex was both of the above). Or simply because they fear aging, death and dying and are desperate to prove to themselves they’re still young (wait, that’s my ex too!).

I’m sure lots of marriages break up because of basic incompatibility, but when you’ve had a long and mostly happy marriage like Andrew or I, MLC is usually the reason. In my ex’s case, superimposed over his essential narcissism and the void he was always trying to fill. In fact, I’m willing to bet he couldn’t have stayed married as long or as happily with someone else.

Yeah, his current wife may last - her youth (19 years younger) will always feed his narcissism. And as he gets older and less attractive, his options for cheating on her will shrink. I hope they stay married for my kids’ sake. But in no way do I think she’s a better partner for him than I was. My divorce really wasn’t about me (as so many of us have found out, twisting ourselves into pretzels to be what they said they want does nothing when the real problem is inside them). It was about his issues, and his inability or unwillingness to deal with them.

As for finances Andrew - well, we would both be where we expected to be if we were partnered up with someone who had similar assets, right? But they seem few and far between. So I plan, like you do, to do it all in my own. For me, it’s worth doing so that I can make my own financial decisions without the push/pull of someone else’s spending priorities.

[LH19]

I don’t agree with LH. MLCers often leave because they’re depressed and think that will change if they’re with someone new (it seldom does because, wherever you go, there you are). Or because they’re bored and craving novelty (my ex was both of the above). Or simply because they fear aging, death and dying and are desperate to prove to themselves they’re still young (wait, that’s my ex too!).

Sounds to me exactly like "can't see a happy future together".