So if the service is terminated, then it will take 10 days to reconnect with a new contract term - which is stupid seeing as I won't be here that long. If I lose access to the Internet, then I can't find a place to live, access my bank, etc, etc, etc.
Smiley, I Googled, and the UK has pay-as-you-go phones, Internet cafes, city wifi, Starbuck wifi, etc. like the US. There may be differences, but you don't seem option-less. You could also ask a neighbor or landlord for help. It's okay to ask for help sometimes. If your area is too small there may be a car, bus, hitchhiking, cycling, walking option to get you to a bigger area. Personally, as long as I knew I had options, I would not spend too much time on "what if". You have Internet now. Use it now to get what you need. Maybe withdraw $100 so if things get desperate you have some capital. That usually makes emergencies easier.
Two years ago I found myself responsible for two friends--carless, $20 between us, 10 miles from the nearest "town", 50 miles from the nearest cell tower, no "through" traffic headed towards the phones/towers. You better believe I found a way to get everyone food, water, and safely out. They never even saw me worry. (I want to be more vulnerable, but in emergencies, I'm glad to be a rock others rely on.)
wayfarer Please feel free to punch my lights out! Lol! I certainly wouldn't be disrespectful to anybody. It's so easy for typed words to be taken wrongly as there is no body language or tonality to go with them, only the readers interpretation of the words as they read them.
It's nice that you chose differently and actually have chosen somebody for who they are and what not what they have or what you thought they could give you. This I think is how a lot of people choose.
Quote
You're afraid that you were grifted by stbxw.
Maybe I am afraid of some things, but I'm not afraid that I have been grifted. She has been doing this since before May 2019 (I checked the bank statements of the savings account again). I am no longer afraid of anything the stbxw does. I think the lawyer will sort it with my help. I have learned loads this week and I have been targeted by her (alone?) and that is not acceptable.
Sorry for being a victim of circumstance - but uncovering what I have uncovered and still continue to uncover, it's hard not to become the victim as by definition, I am, but I won't act like it any further. I feel so empowered that even this god awful shaking has finally stopped.
I am working out one body part a day in my little home gym, because:
1 - A workout of sorts helps with my condition 2 - I have been tasked by the physio to do certain exercises for my upper back 3 - It keeps me fit and active 4 - I like it!
I'm a skinny runt at the moment as I've lost the weight and if I don't train I'll loose a lot more muscle. I'm not vain and I don't think it all about my body. I like to read and learn - always have, that 's how I become different too, as you say.
It is my intention to work on myself spiritually and mentally also. I have been doing this for years until my wife walked out then I couldn't concentrate any more.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You just need to take some more time to process this stuff. And stop worrying so much about tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day. Seriously focus on you. Focus on today. Focus on small things that can make today better. Focus on small things that can make you feel whole and healthy again. One step at at time. One day at a time.
I certainly do need more time to process things and I think that focusing on one day at a time is a good plan. I think now I know what's really been going on, things will start getting a little bit easier to deal with, because quite frankly, I am angry and annoyed.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
I Googled, and the UK has pay-as-you-go phones, Internet cafes, city wifi, Starbuck wifi, etc. like the US. There may be differences, but you don't seem option-less.
Yes there are a few places around here like that but I hate using online banking on public networks. I can do other stuff though.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You could also ask a neighbor or landlord for help.
I thought of this today also. I shall ask one of my neighbours. I may even be able to pick it up in the comfort of my own home if I get or make a high-gain antenna!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
For almost 8 weeks I have been in a state of shock and anguish as my wife walked away yet again. The reason that I feel like a fool is because this wasn't a 'spur of the moment' thing for her - it was long planned and calculated, with each and every step coordinated and almost perfectly executed.
I have been posting here as the heartbreak I felt was so terrible, the shaking in my body so bad, the feeling of loss so hard to bare as I once again watched as the love of my life walked out of the door.
Now, this week, 7 weeks on, I find that she has been planning this for months, if not years. She was waiting for my compensation money to come through and immediately grabbed it when it did back in February 2020, suggesting that they would be better off out of the way in her account and the attached 'savings pot' that I didn't have on mine. She told me that it would be safe there until we opened an account to put them in. How stupid was I to trust that my wife was telling me the truth.
I felt physically sick when I found out that only £8,000 of my compensation money was placed in the savings account that she opened - I found that out after she left. She told me that she had transferred my claim money to there and that it was safe. She had hidden my login details that I received from the bank. I didn't know it was a joint account until the day after she left. I trusted that she would have my interests at heart.
Earlier on this week I was in total shock, when I found that the other savings account (which I totally forgot we had) had been emptied. I found that this account had the majority of my compensation money in it, together with the proceeds of our house sale a few years back and extra savings that we put in over time. This account had been closed and the money transferred to her account - all £13,500 of it. The copy of the form authorising closure of the account was signed by her ... and by me. I had never seen this form before, have no recollection of signing it, didn't ever have a discussion about closing it, and never talked about where the money was going and why the account was being closed. How did my signature get on that form?
God only knows what I would had I received the intended compensation of circa £46,000 as was expected until my expert witness changed his mind after having a stroke and coming back to work afterwards.
Last night I looked at the statement that I had received from the bank branch when I went there earlier in the week. I looked in more detail and noticed that my wife had been withdrawing small denominations of money out each month - £200 here, £500 there. The statement only goes up to May 2019 and I am waiting for the full statement to arrive in a couple of weeks.
It's incredible to think that she was also manipulating me to take my pensions out and she almost succeeded. Two of the three are, but the biggest one I saved. Just as before, she set up another joint account for them to be paid in to and triggered off the lump sum payments to be paid to this account. One weekend I shared my concerns about drawing out my pensions and I would like to discuss it with her. It was at this point where she changed.
That weekend she done all she could not to enter into any discussions about my concern with the pension withdrawals and as the weekend went by I reminded her that we still haven't spoken about it. "We will", she reassured me, but as the weekend started to draw to a close, she hadn't started the conversation, so I did. She still wouldn't speak about it and I asked her why she seemed not to hold my concerns and our relationship in a higher regard than work. She talked about work all weekend, but not my concerns about my pensions.
The next week her kiss goodbye didn't feel right. She let it slip that she had booked the next week off work. She didn't want me to walk her to or from work as I usually would and she didn't want us to go away for a few days break when I suggested doing that on her week off that I never know she booked - she told me that she told me "ages ago". She hadn't and it was booked last minute - but why?
Quite simply because she knew that I had changed my mind. She knew that I didn't want to draw out my pensions, there was nothing more for her, nothing more to gain, so she left. I managed to set up a different account and redirect payment for the pensions she triggered to be paid out, into that account. The joint account she set up a week before she left, remains empty.
This seems like a fantastical story, but the realisation that my wife has been planning this for at least 2 years that I can prove, and certainly longer, is incredible. She planned this even prior to us moving here to be near her work so that she could walk to work every day. Does this make all I have written here so far void? She was still a Walk Away Wife, but it would seem that it wasn't that she was going through some form of high emotional stress causing her to run, this was a cold, calculated and well executed, long-term planned effort. Initial investigations have proved it, a full investigation will support that proof, I'm sure.
So now I'm here with my life turned upside down penniless, apart from the money from my pension that I have to spend on legal fees and moving costs.
Due to the fact that she refused to pay any spousal maintenance (alimony), the court needed to be petitioned and the collating of information for this was what has highlighted all this. The petition has been filed and the divorce petition along with it.
Seeing as my wife is a lawyer (did I tell you that bit?), she is using a colleague at work who specialises in divorce. The papers that were filed into the court were sent to her yesterday, together with a full explanation as to why interim support payments need to be paid. The evidence, including bank statement was given as Exhibits, together with the divorce petition. My wife's lawyer would have forwarded a copy of these documents to her. Now she knows that I know what she's been doing and what's more her lawyer is getting a different picture of what she has probably been told.
She has put herself in a position where her reputation is likely to be put in question. She was foolish to use a colleague to represent her. Will that colleague have a duty of care to the company that she works for? Seeing as my wife deals with high net worth clients, is there any chance of her manipulating them in the same way that she has manipulated me? Does her colleague have a duty to report to the partnership that my wife has stolen the savings out of two accounts and was manipulating me into drawing out my pensions to put in a third account? Her actions have been the same for 2 accounts - put my money in leave it there a while and then draw it out together with the rest of the money that was in the account - why wouldn't she not do the same for the third? If she was prepared to defraud me, what is the potential for her to defraud her clients.
Sitting here today, now, I want to divorce my wife. I don't want her in my life anymore, she is broken, she is toxic and she has disgusted me to levels that I never thought possible. I thought the world of her and now I think nothing of her outside of her being a criminal.
I have not been her husband, I have been her target - 'The Mark' to her long con and it makes me feel physically sick.
DBing won't work in this situation, although I am still technically a LBS. I have to somehow pick the pieces up and start a new life again. I have nothing, I have been left with nothing and she has got everything that she ever wanted.
She was probably laughing at me when she left, thinking that she had gotten way from me - gotten away with 'it'. Now after receiving a copy of the court application yesterday and now knowing that I have caught her out, I wonder how she feels today? I wonder how she slept? I wonder what occupies her thoughts ... or even if she cares.
Her reputation at work could be in jeopardy and when the full extent of the financials have been established it is very possible that the police will need to investigate, as I still don't know how my signature got on that paperwork that I have never seen.
Am I a victim? Well I am a victim of a fraudulent and dishonest behaviour, yes, but I don't know how I feel now. Many of you say that I keep focusing on her and I need to focus on me and I am. It's gonna take a while but what has been uncovered this week has made detachment easier. It has made getting over her easier. I would never have thought in a million years that she of all people, would be capable of such devious acts. I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this. All I did was give her the opportunity to manipulate me in ways that nobody has ever manipulated me before - even my mother wasn't this good!
Now I need to dust myself off and work out where to go from here, physically and emotionally. It's going to take a while to process all this. The woman who married me and had an affair inside of a year that she told me she didn't have and the girl that I fell in love with way back in 2001 has turned into the worst enemy I have ever had. My life has been shattered and my thoughts of her have also been shattered along with it.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
I met my ex wife in 95 and married in 2001. Early on I’m my marriage I was almost a WS. I got into an EA with a woman at work and contemplating briefly ending my marriage. I ended the EA and went on to starting a family with me ex w. Years afterwards looking back thinking of the ea literally made me sick to my stomach. My son was born in 2004 and daughter in 2008 and up until the fall of 2014 we had an amazing life. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. I won’t look back and say the last 24 years was a lie or a waste or anything like that. Just the last 3 years we’re horrible. The reason why they were horrible was because I was trying to hold onto to something that didn’t exist anymore. Our marriage was simply because she didn’t want it anymore. This didn’t mean she regretted the last 24 years either. Just that moving forward she didn’t want to be married to me anymore.
It’s not uncommon for a WS to plan their exit strategy 2-3 years prior. I would try not to take it personally. People change and relationships run their course.
What I will agree with you on is that your W is a pretty $hitty person with low integrity and you can use that to fuel your recovery. You will survive this that I am sure of right now.
I met my ex wife in 95 and married in 2001. Early on I’m my marriage I was almost a WS. I got into an EA with a woman at work and contemplating briefly ending my marriage. I ended the EA and went on to starting a family with me ex w. Years afterwards looking back thinking of the ea literally made me sick to my stomach. My son was born in 2004 and daughter in 2008 and up until the fall of 2014 we had an amazing life. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. I won’t look back and say the last 24 years was a lie or a waste or anything like that. Just the last 3 years we’re horrible. The reason why they were horrible was because I was trying to hold onto to something that didn’t exist anymore. Our marriage was simply because she didn’t want it anymore. This didn’t mean she regretted the last 24 years either. Just that moving forward she didn’t want to be married to me anymore.
It’s not uncommon for a WS to plan their exit strategy 2-3 years prior. I would try not to take it personally. People change and relationships run their course.
What I will agree with you on is that your W is a pretty $hitty person with low integrity and you can use that to fuel your recovery. You will survive this that I am sure of right now.
THIS
Not only will you survive, but you will thrive again!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It’s very common for WAS to start planning their exits well in advance, rarely is it a spur of the moment decision. But the fact that your W was secretly funneling money, and knowingly leaving you with nothing, truly speaks to her character.
The others are right, face your reality, and use it as fuel to move forward. You will probably vacillate between sadness and anger for some time, so expect that to happen.
You’re going to be ok once this is all said and done. And you’re going to stronger and wiser as well./
I've gone downhill fairly fast today and feel totally fed up and bordering on panic feelings again. I never thought that I could ever stop loving her. Even when she left I still loved her, but now I found out what she's been up to and been planning on leaving me penniless and not caring anything about it, those feelings are gone and it's left a huge gaping hole.
I will get over this and become stronger I know I will, but it's always a struggle. If I had the money that got stolen from me, then that would make my next steps much easier. But it's like castrating a dog and expecting it to still be able to impregnate and b!tch - it just ain't gonna happen. Take all the money then expect me to find another place to live and fund the removal process also.
We have spoken before about covert narcissism and I was assured that my wife wasn't a narcissist. But what I have been sharing here about how my wife thought the ideas for income streams we good and spent hours talking about them with me only disregard them, is exactly what a covert narcissist does. That's exactly what she used to do - the jury is still out on this one. I feel that this is the truth as I have lived it, seen it and experienced it for myself. I always got the feeling when I had a vertigo attack that she wasn't really bothered. Even though she used to comfort me a bit, she never really used to 'comfort' me, if you see what I mean. I have always felt that I have been alone but with her present.
Also sex. A narcissist will approach you for sex on their terms and give signals if they didn't want your advances. Again, exactly the same. She used to grab her Kindle while getting in to bed and the only times she wanted sex was when she wanted a cuddle. Over time cuddle = sex, whereas before this it was nice just to have a cuddle and drift off to sleep.
That's just my thoughts.......
I agree that her character is lacking integrity, honesty and empathy. Taking somebody you know intimately and have been sharing a bed with for 19+ years and then just sh!t on them from a great height and purposely try to grind them into the ground via their solicitor. I know I shouldn't wonder, but I do. I wonder if she is worried that I'm on to her, that her credibility with her work colleague may get slightly damaged when she uncovers her activity, or if she simply doesn't care? I do wonder that, because if I was on the receiving end of the filing that my lawyer put in to the court that laid everything out bit by bit and in perfect order, I wold be extremely worried. But I digress....
Thrive! Yeah that's what I intend to do. I have to change my mindset at the moment as I'm worried about running out of money or choosing the wrong place to live. I suppose that's tough and I need to make the best out of wherever I move to. I know that if I was in the US I'd grab an RV and live in that, go wandering around the US (if you still can - head down to Texas!). Here I could do the same but the country is much smaller, which is a shame. The stbxw and I were looking at getting a motorhome and going touring around europe. Again she was all up for it but then nothing. Good job we didn't though as the borders closed up!!
Creating and income is going to be the big one for me and something that I am both looking forward to and dreading at the same time, simply because of the timescales, money runs out when you don't top it up, but then that could be the "timer to success". I do hate this feeling of having to start again from scratch at 55, I suppose that is a fear. The good thing is though that I have nobody holding me back now, only me. Whereas before I was waiting for the wife to work with me all the time, but she wouldn't - she disregarded things, like a narcissist.
I am convinced but I'm probably wrong...but I don't think I am you know.
I've got another 40 houses to investigate tomorrow. It's supposed to be hot here all day so I'll stay inside and do that, then I can call the agents on Monday. I feel so overwhelmed with it all. The wife said in her letter from her lawyer to mine, that I should have started looking for a cheaper place to live from the day she left and that I had had plenty of time to find somewhere. Nice. That narcissistic thinking again - I'm sure I'm wrong.
Originally Posted by Thornton
The others are right, face your reality, and use it as fuel to move forward. You will probably vacillate between sadness and anger for some time, so expect that to happen.
Exactly this! I am using it as fuel, I did yesterday and yes I'm sad and overwhelmed today. But the good thing is, even though I still feel slightly panicky, my body hasn't shaked or trembled for almost 2 days now, whereas before I have been shaking and trembling since the day before she left, why? This is only since I have found out about the money that was stolen - this means I have had a mindset shift at some level. Gotta be good, right?
Thank you all for your encouragement, it means a lot.
I shall see if I can stomach watching Sex/Lives now, give me something else to chat about maybe!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
I never thought that I could ever stop loving her. Even when she left I still loved her, but now I found out what she's been up to and been planning on leaving me penniless and not caring anything about it, those feelings are gone and it's left a huge gaping hole.
Smilie, you may find your love for her again when you're past the angry/demonizing phase. In any event, whatever daily loving acts you were doing for her, now do for yourself. E.g., cook yourself gourmet meals. That's how you fill the gap. You redirect the love elsewhere. You could also do random acts of kindness.
Originally Posted by smilie
I am convinced but I'm probably wrong...but I don't think I am you know. I was waiting ..
Demon or not demon, it's over now, so no more waiting? (:
I never thought that I could ever stop loving her. Even when she left I still loved her, but now I found out what she's been up to and been planning on leaving me penniless and not caring anything about it, those feelings are gone and it's left a huge gaping hole.
Smilie, you may find your love for her again when you're past the angry/demonizing phase.
I'm sure it's there somewhere between the hopelessness and loneliness. If I think of her how she was - how we were - I can still feel a bit of it in that moment. The question is, could I love her again - would I want to love her again? She has broken my heart as much as it can be and the worst it has ever felt in my entire life and for some reason she keeps digging that knife in further at every given opportunity, fighting against everything so that the courts need to decide, because in true style for her, she can't. She could never make a decision and always looked to me to be the one to decide - so who's making the decisions that she seems to be making now? Perhaps she is and that's why all she's got is lies to pin up her side of the argument. It is plain to see in everything written by her lawyer. I has to come crashing down around her as lies are not truth, so then what? More lashing out at me, more digging that knife in further to push responsibility on to me? Will she rewrite history and turn me in to some violent drunk of a husband who was always shouting at her and degrading her? Or will it be something else, anything else to take focus off her?
Originally Posted by smilie
I am convinced but I'm probably wrong...but I don't think I am you know. I was waiting ..
Demon or not demon, it's over now, so no more waiting? (: Is this the person she really is or is this the person she has become for some particular reason or under the influence of another? It's soul destroying just thinking that I no longer know who she is and I have never witnessed this before in her not to any degree. I won't wait for anything any longer. Truth be told (and you all probably know this anyway as I seem to be able to be read like a book), I have been waiting to see if she got in contact, hoping that she would. But I know that she won't give up the lifestyle she now has to come back to the crap one we had. Although I would like to think that she would come back to the person who the person who she knew really loved her, would do anything for her and the person that would give their life for her in a split second.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
In any event, whatever daily loving acts you were doing for her, now do for yourself. E.g., cook yourself gourmet meals. That's how you fill the gap. You redirect the love elsewhere. You could also do random acts of kindness.
It's as much as I can do at the moment to cook basic meals, I can't concentrate on anything else. My focus is on finding a place to live and I don't know why it seems so hard. It's because I don't know the areas and not sure where would be best for me and I haven't got the time to go and look around them with such little time. I am worried about this that it is on my mind all day long. She will probably cancel the internet here anytime instead of just allowing me to change to my bank details. She has been asked by my lawyer to supply online account logins so I can do just that and she has ignored that request. It's in the hands of the courts now.
So, I'm aware that I'm waffling. I typed some of my journal yesterday. I sat in the pub as it was cool in there and type up what had been going on to get it out of my head. I started writing it at the start of all this, but for some reason I stopped for a couple of weeks. There is lots to do to fill in the gaps. It was a good distraction, but I'm still on my own down there. People are strange and just keep themselves to themselves. The world has change over the past few months, people have changed.
However! I SHALL take your advice. I need to cook a few meals as I have to use the food in the freezer before I move. I have to go through the recipes for the slow cooker and find a couple of nice ones. this is all I can do at the moment. My concentration span is about 10 minutes and I'm forcing myself to push through that, but it's hard. The only time I can spend more than that seems to be when I'm typing here, or my journal, or approving documents for my lawyer. I can't eat too much as I feel sick the entire time and I can't stomach much. It's just a shame there wasn't a DB video chat function, wouldn't need to type so much.
I get what you are saying though, and sorry for the long response, I need to spend some more time focusing on me and I am doing that, but not taking the time to enjoy anything. The best thing I can do for me is to go and sit in the park and read a book for an hour or so. I did this last evening and got some chips. I mowed the lawn also and saw all the vegetables that I planted all passed their best now. What was the point of maintaining these when I have to leave? What was the point in growing them all in the first place? Why did she let me do that when she knew she was going all along? It was a total waste of money and waste of time. Before I did that, I discussed with her whether we wold be here for another year, otherwise it would be a waste of time. She said that we would. It is all heartbreaking as all the work I put into that was for us and a few short weeks later she was gone.
Onwards and upwards though! I know you will say that I am focusing on her still and trying to make sense of this, but I don't feel that I am. I just look at the things I have done this year to make a better life for us, save some money by growing our own food and do something more to contribute. It seems like it was all for nothing and just a distraction while she was stealing the money and planning to leave anyway.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
I certainly wouldn't be disrespectful to anybody. It's so easy for typed words to be taken wrongly as there is no body language or tonality to go with them, only the readers interpretation of the words as they read them.