I just don't know how many year of that were fake - probably the last 10
You will never fully know her or anyone else's experience. You only know your own. Whatever feelings you experienced--love, pain, joy, sadness--were real and meaningful. I have to remind myself this sometimes, when I ask questions like, "Was the sex meaningful?" Answer: "It was meaningful to me."
I get you were living a pretense when you neither fully confronted nor let go of the notion she had cheated 10yrs ago. I get that stress/burden may not have helped your health.
I tend to prefer meeting people in general surroundings,
That still works today. (:
Originally Posted by smilie
The problem I have is that if women are looking for men who work, then I've lost before I've even begun.
That's what is great about dating apps. On Bumble, "unemployed" appears right on your profile photo. You only chat with the women who see that and are still interested (swipe right). (:
Originally Posted by smilie
I remember finding it hard to get a date as I hadn't got a lot of confidence. smile
This you need to address. It's DEFINITELY worth taking a few months to address any self-compassion issues to accept who you are, and also work on areas you feel uncomfortable with--e.g., your living situation, your employment, etc. It sounds like you imagine women flock to men with big.. incomes. In the past month I've dated.. a dozen?.. women. Only one asked about my finances. I was very vague.
Smilie, I don't want this to sound harsh, but I am going to be direct. You are holding a pity party for yourself and being a victim. This is fine at first, I am sure we all did it, I know I did. But continuing to do this brings many problems, you will forever feel stuck and bitter, people will not want to be around you, it is unattractive and most importantly you will not be able to go out and create an awesome life better than the one you've been living so far.
Don't get me wrong, this process takes a long time. I am 13 months post the height of it and I still struggle sometimes, I imagine it will probably take another year to feel totally myself again. Sooner or later Smilie, you need to stop asking why, stop demonising her, stop the "woe is me" and start building the new life.
16th July 2021 - Divorce Filed What a nasty feeling. Seeing as my stbxw hasn't agreed to pay maintenance, a court petition has had to be filed and seeing that this has had to be filed, the divorce petition also needed to be filed. So, it has. This will probably be seen by her that I am making her unhappy, I hope she sees the potential damage that may be caused to her career as reasons for maintenance without mediation have needed to be explained to the court.
And so the process begins. I have pulled the plug on our marriage - I suppose she pulled the plug on our relationship. I wonder how long it will take that dirty water together with the upset and pain, to drain away?
It's at moment like these that I wish I could just sit down with her for a conversation. I was thinking this morning while working out that I would have liked to tell her that I really don't want to file for divorce but I no longer have an option. I even may have even considered R if she reached out. If she hadn't stolen the money, then I wouldn't need to apply for maintenance so quickly and then i could spend more of my energy looking to move and that makes me just want to get out of this and start rebuilding a life on my own.
Onwards and upwards.
GALing: Had workout this morning. Going to park to read soon, get some fresh air, as it will be too hot later and I need a break.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
D often is just another step in the process. So many LBSs think D means a definite and permanent end to the R and are terrified of it. It doesn't have to be. You just keep DBing.
Last edited by SteveLW; 07/16/2112:08 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just don't know how many year of that were fake - probably the last 10
You will never fully know her or anyone else's experience. You only know your own. Whatever feelings you experienced--love, pain, joy, sadness--were real and meaningful. I have to remind myself this sometimes, when I ask questions like, "Was the sex meaningful?" Answer: "It was meaningful to me.
You are right. The relationship was meaningful to me, I loved her and it felt good for me gave me a sense of belonging somewhere and I've not felt like that before. It's just such a shame it has come crashing down in the manner it has and it has made me question a lot of things. I hate to think that OM was in her mind while we had sex and that probably was he case - something else I will never know.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
That's what is great about dating apps. On Bumble, "unemployed" appears right on your profile photo. You only chat with the women who see that and are still interested (swipe right). (:
I hate dating apps. I just think that a lot of people use them just to get sex from the information I've read from people's experience. But it's good that it has status. Shame it's "unemployed" and not "semi-retired". Either way I have no income. I trust that you can put other information in also.
I can't see me looking for dates just yet, but I notice that the bumble has a network app too - so that may be a place to start.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smilie
I remember finding it hard to get a date as I hadn't got a lot of confidence. smile
This you need to address. It's DEFINITELY worth taking a few months to address any self-compassion issues to accept who you are, and also work on areas you feel uncomfortable with--e.g., your living situation, your employment, etc
I'm much more confident these days, although that's taken a big hit and I've never been a good "chat up" artist. I agree that I would need to sort out various aspects of my situation and hopefully take some IC at some stage and read a few books - just started reading "I only he knew" at the moment. A lot of the stuff in their I was doing anyway.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
It sounds like you imagine women flock to men with big.. incomes. In the past month I've dated.. a dozen?.. women. Only one asked about my finances. I was very vague.
That's bad isn't it? I don't think all women do, but if there is a choice between the rich guy who wants them and the average guy who wants them, everything else being equal I would expect that the woman would chose the rich guy.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Smilie, I don't want this to sound harsh, but I am going to be direct. You are holding a pity party for yourself and being a victim. This is fine at first, I am sure we all did it, I know I did. But continuing to do this brings many problems, you will forever feel stuck and bitter, people will not want to be around you, it is unattractive and most importantly you will not be able to go out and create an awesome life better than the one you've been living so far.
Thank you for being honest (that's what I like) and sharing what you see in me. I don't see that I am 'playing' a victim and perhaps it's because I'm stuck in it? I am the victim of some kind of financial deceit and my wife left in the most sudden way leaving me destitute financially and causing all kinds of issues for me because of that, things that I haven't even posted on here. The entire thing has been clearly planned and co-ordinated. I am a victim of what seems like a confidence scheme/trick, but I suppose you are saying that I don't need to act like a victim? It's so difficult knowing that all the money we saved got stolen unfairly and it makes it easier to let go to a certain extent, although I would like to know her reasons that she thought that she had to do that.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Don't get me wrong, this process takes a long time. I am 13 months post the height of it and I still struggle sometimes, I imagine it will probably take another year to feel totally myself again. Sooner or later Smilie, you need to stop asking why, stop demonising her, stop the "woe is me" and start building the new life.
Wow! I have a long way to go then, just 8 weeks this Sunday-Tuesday for me. It's the financial stuff that's really got to me and how she was prepared to do such a horrible thing. Am I really "woe-ing?", crikey I feel so stupid. How can you turn off when it's so raw? It wouldn't be so bad if it was just her leaving to deal with, but I have an entire mountain of stuff to deal with and it's like having a full-time job. Half of it is discovery work.. example:
I have been worrying that the stbw could terminate the phone/internet service without notice, just like she did with the rent. So I decided to call the phone company to see if I could find out if there was anything on the account for the service to be terminated. He couldn't tell me. Even though I was named on the account and was calling from the phone number, because I couldn't pass the security questions they wanted (such as password characters, account number endings and sort codes numbers) I couldn't find out. I wasn't able to talk to a senior manager as I couldn't get through the security questions and my wife would get a notification to her email saying that security questions failed, as well as an alert on the account.
I spent ages speaking with him about the situation and he could do nothing apart from stop the email notification. So if the service is terminated, then it will take 10 days to reconnect with a new contract term - which is stupid seeing as I won't be here that long. If I lose access to the Internet, then I can't find a place to live, access my bank, etc, etc, etc.
^^^-This is just one example. Everything is in her name.
My stbxw was asked by my lawyer to supply online account information, just for this purpose. She hasn't done so. I am totally 100% at the the whim of her thoughts/emotions/actions.
I can then safely say that I'm not trying to control everything. I certainly am not trying to control my wife and I never have tried to do that.
My fear is that I am not in control of anything and feel up-ended. I need to be in control of finding a place to live, securing internet and phone services and mobile phone, from the clutches of my wife. What I fear is the fact that somebody else has full control over me and I have none apart from my thoughts and actions.
It feel that I have not only surrendered my control to her, I have also surrendered my emotions and my soul.
All the examples in that post about fear do not apply for me. I have done a heap of fear work over the years and I don't really fear what people think of me, I would not, not act out of fear. I would not, not say anything out of fear. I may be missing something obvious here. I tend to feel any fear and then go and do stuff anyway, I never run from it and will always speak up. I am a firm believer that if I speak with an open heart and say what is true for me and I'm not being offensive or rude, then however my communication is taken by the other person is their interpretation and not my responsibility. I will always step up and speak my truth, even if I'm in emotional turmoil inside and risk the other person walking out on me and ending the relationship. I needed to say what I said and so I did. I would never sit on it and become bitter and resentful.
I'm harping on a bit. I shall read some more of that thread - it is quite long, but I'm not afraid of speaking up - I used to be but I've been honest for years, decades, and that's the thing that a few people don't like about me. They want me to make sure that they way they interpret my communication to them, doesn't make them feel bad and that's impossible as it's them doing the interpretting through their perceptual filters.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Ok but you are afraid. You're afraid that you were grifted by stbxw. You're afraid that women will pick a rich man first, always. You're afraid of dating. You're afraid of what else will dear stbxw will do moving forward with the D. You're afraid of finding housing. You're afraid you have no control here. Because you haven't relinquished it willingly you relinquished control because you had no other choice.
This is just like the anger thing. You say things that show you are clearly feeling something and then try to rebuff the notion that you are actually feeling things that are pretty clear in print.
And I have to agree with OB on this, you are making yourself a victim. You keep centering this around something that's being done to you. This is all very raw. It's super common to swing wildly from ok to not ok, from sad to angry, but there's this tone of how this has been done to you, that life is a continuous series of events that happened to you. Not a series of events that happened that you had to navigate. There's a huge difference in relinquishing control because you can only control yourself and relinquishing control because you feel there's no point in trying so you allow things to just happen.
I'm going to try really hard to not be insulted that you think most if not all women will choose a rich guy over any other guy. I'm going to try because you're hurting. And that comment came from a place of desperation to understand. In another context I would've laid you out for that. As I'm sure CW, OB and LH can attest to. My H is a blue collar guy, he's not broke by any means, he makes good money but he isn't rolling in cash either. My exH makes more money than him. Guys I went on dates with when my H and I started kind of seeing each other made more money than him. But he and I have very similar upbringings, work ethic, sense of humor, etc. Also chemistry. The chemistry I had with him was/is like something I hadn't had since I was like 18. All of those things were more important. Things like that matter to women. Yes women care about stability and sometimes money comes into play with that but you're not 25. That's not really a concern for a women in her 40s or 50s. Women in general don't pick mates the way men do. Things are less visual and less check boxy than you think. Especially once a women is truly in her womanhood and has shaken off all the little girl notions. It's a feeling in our guts and our hearts, and our heads are little better at red flags with some life experience. But you're only going to be a catch if you're actually a catch.
Which brings me to my next point. The amount of LBHs who get stuck on the idea of physical improvement only is honestly annoying to me. Not saying you're annoying, but I'm warning you to not get caught in that trap because I will tell you you are being annoying if you get stuck here. Working on you isn't just lifting weights and some cardio. Working on you is sitting down and doing some serious introspection and working on all aspects of yourself that could make you a better version of yourself and eventually down the road a better mate. You need to work on your intellectual, spiritual and emotional well being. Fix your personal potholes instead of fixating on stbxw's and that of the the imaginary possible mates you may have in the future.
smilie, this is a hard road to travel. It's not fun. It takes most LBS a while to feel less out of control and raw. so please don't take this advice as a must do immediately or that having those big ugly feelings is wrong. You just need to take some more time to process this stuff. And stop worrying so much about tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day. Seriously focus on you. Focus on today. Focus on small things that can make today better. Focus on small things that can make you feel whole and healthy again. One step at at time. One day at a time.
