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Going to like the first thread as soon as I can figure it out. Doing all this on a phone isn't very easy. So hopefully I'll get that linked soon.

First thing I have to say is there is no way for him or me to move out unless D happens, period. There is no exception here. I'm sorry for having to be so direct but I keep saying this and it keeps being brought up. I'm not trying to be mean. My H and I live with his dad, his dad is a truck driver so hes only home a few days a month, if his dad knew anything about us separating theres a very good chance he would kick my son and I out, period. My mother home is packed with my brothers and kids, there is no room. I do not make enough to get an apartment at the moment. My H and I will not tell his Father about any of this unless my son and I have a place to go as to not be kicked out, so we both have to stay in the home. I hope this makes the situation more clear so people stop saying to kick him out, its just not possible.

I understand the distancing and focusing on my life. I appreciate everyone saying these things, to be clear, that is what I am doing, My post about last night wasn't me saying I wasn't. I was merely trying to put more of what was happening in my situation out there so everyone has the whole rounded picture.

I'm going to try to figure out linking now

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Last edited by Artemis1; 07/15/21 05:20 PM.
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Artemis,

I didn't say anything about kicking him out. I said try to get him out of the house. In house separation is very difficult when a spouse is in an active affair.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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It wasnt just you, alot of people keep bringing it up. Its why I explained the situation as it can't happen. And I'm sure it can be very problematic. He isn't having an active affair at the moment. But either way theres not alot we can do with our situation. Every day, I'm cutting off more and more of our communication and we both work alot so we dont see eachother much. In a week we will be on opposite shifts for 2 months so we shouldnt see eachother at all at home unless we happen to have a day off together which I'll deal with when that comes up. smile

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Hi Artemis,

It sounds like you're on the right track. This is all hard, hard work. I thought you handled that difficult situation well and validated and listened without getting svcked in. He's confused and you can't let his mental state and whiplashing back and forth affect you. You're focusing on you and your son and all of that which is terrific. Keep up the good work! It gets easier-- as LH and others have said, fake it til you make it.

It sounds like you'd want to stay in the house and it is good that you'll have some space coming up for a couple of months which will make that all a lot easier. My recommendation here would be to figure out what happens if you do end up going down the path to D in terms of housing, etc? The more you can plan for any contingency, the more prepared you'll be. I found that speaking to a couple of attorneys really helped take the fear away from S and D. Know your rights and how to protect yourself and your son.

Finally... and this one is tough... I really, really think you need to prepare yourself for the potential that your H is having an active affair. I know you don't think so. Most of us didn't. In my situation, I showed up here after finding out my H (who had been acting distant and angry for the past year and a half) was in a long-distance EA. (And before that, I'd asked if there was someone else multiple times and was totally gaslit for even asking, so I was dumbfounded when he told me about her.) He said it was like a small crush and they weren't in contact anymore but it caused him to question our M. They had been talking for maybe 8 months and he'd seen her in person a few times when he was in her city for work, went out to coffees and a dinner, kissed once and that was when he realized he needed to stop it. I asked him over and over if that was it, if they'd ever been in his hotel room alone. He looked me straight in the eyes and said NO. He was telling me the truth.

Over the next five months, the trickle truth slowly, SLOOOOOWLY came out. It was Steve who told me to prepare myself for it to be more than an EA. I thought, not my H. I had all these really good reasons, like the fact we'd talked on the phone before he went to sleep in his hotel room and I couldn't imagine him doing that with her there, and if he was in an A than why would he waste the opportunity to spend the night with her? But because Steve and others warned me to be prepared, I was (as much as one can be).... so five months later when we were having the discussion about us separating, I finally said to him Hey H, just know if you F her, we're done... and he said, May, I've been F-ing her for two years. Yup.

So..... I've been there. So many of us here have been there. I know you don't want to think about it, but I strongly recommend thinking about it so you're prepared if you find out. And decide if you would do anything differently if that was the case.

Regarding kicking him out, moving out, all that... this is very much your call and do know that there are several of us here in piecing who did so without our cheating spouses ever moving out. It is definitely not an easy path but it is there. So just know that it is possible. You'll really need to find outlets for your GALing and frustration, sadness and anger so you can keep up a PMA when he's around. I spent a lot more time at yoga and going out with friends, or taking the kids to do something just with Mommy.

Hang in there, Artemis. I already see you growing stronger in the short time you've been posting. You're on the right path. Keep it up.

May


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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I want to start by saying thank you May. Your encouraging words always make me feel stronger and like I can really get through this and be okay, with or without my H. I was hoping I did Okay with how I handled that situation and was wanting feedback on it specifically so thank you for that, I really tried hard to validate and not let my own emotions and thoughts of what to say get the better of me.

I have been looking into things, looking into lawyers so I find one that I'll trust, and trying to figure out the housing situation just in case of course has been on my mind. I know my situation with this stuff is much slower then some, but I'm not as financially set as some and I am very very busy so it takes me time to work on some of this stuff.

And I aporeciate you telling me your story. I really want it to be heard that its not that I dont believe my H would have an A right now. I am sure in his confused state he would, hes even discussed with ne his confusion in this, about a week or 2 ago he told me in a very vulnerable state, him not me, "some days its like I just feel its really important for me to see other people and then other days I think, why would I ever want to be with anyone else, I love my wife" again I'll remind that my H had never even had a GF before he met me when he was 21 and I was 24 at the time. My point being is in not thinking "oh my H wouldnt have an A, with the alien in his body right now I am sure he would, and I am preparing mentally every day for the possibility of it happening" so beleieve me when I say, its not me being hopeful or thinking he won't. He would right now, obviously I cant say 100%, I'm too logical for that, but I do believe wholeheartedly hes not having one YET... NOot because I believe anything he says, at all! But because I honestly get his work schedule, he gives them to me, and he is Always working, I have a few good friends in the department, one that is his partner and she would tell me in a second if he was talking to others etc. He works so much and he comes home I know because my son and I are home, doing our own things mind you, but home. The few days my H has had off hes went on a float trip and to a bbq, again with friends I trust to tell me completely, my friends. Anyways my point is that I know he could be having one at any moment, and I am trying my best to prepare for this possibility every day. So don't think that I believe him. Because I don't trust what he says.

I use to do yoga so I may just pick that up again. I have been working out more and the soending time with just me and my son. Thank you

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Originally Posted by Artemis1
"some days its like I just feel its really important for me to see other people and then other days I think, why would I ever want to be with anyone else, I love my wife"

So here is the million dollar statement. Any reasonable human being knows when you are married you can not date other people.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by LH19
So here is the million dollar statement. Any reasonable human being knows when you are married you can not date other people.

I would add this is where you can implement a boundary. If you want to date other people I can't stop you but you will no longer be married to me or whatever consequence you see fit.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Joined: Jun 2021
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So after reading your reply yesterday and getting home from work I did just that with my H. I told him if he wants time to think about our M and what he wants, I understand and that's fine with me, but that if hes going to be talking to other women during this time then I am not going to be waiting for him and we can initiate talks about divorce. At first he got defensive and somehow thought I was saying something about how he only wants a D because of other women and there are other reasons (possibly was just trying to gaslight me I'm not sure as he gets confused alot with what I mean, he takes everything as me accusing him etc ) anyways so with him thinking that he got upset and originally said we can start the divorce, and tried pulling me into an argument, I told him "I'm not going to sit here and argue, I will walk away until you are ready to talk without raising your voice" (whole scenario lasted only about a minute. He took a minute and then wanted to finish our conversation. I explained my point again and even said I apologize if I hadn't been clear and worded what I was actually saying to where it was understood accurately. He then said "I won't talk to any other women while I take time to consider our M and what I want to do"

Now id like to believe him but obviously I don't. I wanted that boundary to be made clear to him as suggested. My thing now is, since I dont believe him on this and/or if I find for sure hes still talking to OWs. Since I set the Boundary and he told me he would. How should I handle the situation, should I let it be known I dont believe him about the OW or not?

Either way I am still focusing on detaching and looking into a L just in case. Etc.

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Originally Posted by Artemis1

First thing I have to say is there is no way for him or me to move out unless D happens, period. There is no exception here. I'm sorry for having to be so direct but I keep saying this and it keeps being brought up. I'm not trying to be mean. My H and I live with his dad, his dad is a truck driver so hes only home a few days a month, if his dad knew anything about us separating theres a very good chance he would kick my son and I out, period.


This sounds like a huge 180 that you can make. Being in such a precarious position is suboptimal. Where there is a will there is a way. Let's fast-forward a few months and for the sake of argument say that your husband does pursue D. Now what? If I were you my numero uno priority would be to get a plan in place of where to live post-separation/D.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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