And thank you about the housework stuff. That one was really difficult for me to figure out what to do. I'm going to do exactly what you said with the laundry and see how that goes.
Thornton is a wise DBer. Burn his advise into your brain.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
I told him that he cant keep having it both ways, he says he wants a divorce then gets ahold of me and talking to me like I'm his wife, and that he sits near me and kisses me sometimes like I'm his wife. I told him that I'm here and if he wants to work on our marriage then I am more then happy to do that but if hes going to keep saying he wants a divorce and telling others that and looking for OW then he just cant have it both ways.
Now that you have told him this, NEVER REPEAT IT TO HIM AGAIN.
You have verbally set your boundary. It will now be a time for action that enforce that boundary. Words are words, actions gets results.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYMORE POWER. You have the power.
Some Mantras: "This is not working for me" "I do not share my husband with other women" "I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me"
You can do this. You can handle it. You have a whole group of people here supporting you.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That's the plan. I didnt want to say it at all. But he was noticing and asking so I thought I have to say this at least one time and then I wont again.
Today he texted me and asked me if I'd call his doctor for him to get some results (he was busy at work and couldnt take the call" I texted him back "you dont want me as your wife, if you did still then I would be happy to, but since you don't I'm sorry but I cant" ....... He just replied he cant get ahold of them and didnt ackniwledge what I said at all. So I didn't reply back.
And yes I know what I said was lengthier then I probably should have replied, I'm still learning.
Thank you for those quotes, tomorrow I'm taking my son to the zoo just us and havent told my husband about it at all. Thanks for the support, truly
Today he texted me and asked me if I'd call his doctor for him to get some results (he was busy at work and couldnt take the call" I texted him back "you dont want me as your wife, if you did still then I would be happy to, but since you don't I'm sorry but I cant" ....... He just replied he cant get ahold of them and didnt ackniwledge what I said at all. So I didn't reply back.
And yes I know what I said was lengthier then I probably should have replied, I'm still learning.
Learning is the Key!
Using the fewest, simplest words to get the point across has the greatest effect.
Never respond immediately. (You are a busy woman)
Right off the top of my head:
"No" "Sorry, best if you call them" "I believe you should call them" "I can't right now, you should call them"
Remember, No explaining. Make a decision based on logic then execute.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My H told me he isnt sleeping with anyone else and that he is talking to a woman but only as a friend for the time being. We are separated and as the book says I am not going to focus on the OW at all if thats what it is. And yes i do believe my H completely on the subject, when he cheated last time i knew it in my guy, my gut has never once been wrong and my gut is telling me to trust him. As Michele wrote in Divorce Remedy, "Trust you instincts. Dont let anyone else tell you what to do. If your not ready to give up on your marriage, Keep Fighting."
Originally Posted by Artemis1
And as for the OW situation, I believe him because I am trusting my gut, and I can't really describe it more then that, I just know it to be true, also in DR when Michele discusses Infidelity and when the spouse wont give up OW and wants divorce, its said to pretty much forget the OW because it wont help my marriage. I have read stories of women who's husband left them for OW and they DB'D and ended up saving their marriage, I have faith because of these stories and because of the years of experience and the faith I have in my relationship. I am not saying part of me hasn't been angry at my H or that it hasn't been incredibly painful. But I don't believe infidelity has to be the death of my marriage, I believe we can get through this and have a very happy Marriage, and sometimes there aren't words to explain why that is, its simply my gut and my faith.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I know you want to say that you trust he's talking to women as a friend. Please understand this isn't negativity this is something we've seen 1000 times here. Those women aren't his friends. He cheated on you. He acknowledged cheating on you his job is to make you feel comfortable not himself. If he truly wanted to work on the MR he wouldn't have female friends running around.
I knew my ExW was having an EA (and quickly confirmed PA). I mean I have hard evidence of it. I absolutely knew for a fact. I confronted her several times about it over a couple months, slowly showing her more of my cards and each time giving her the opportunity to come clean about it. (Btw, this is not the approach people on here would recommend and I did this before finding the forum). Each time she would look me in the eyes and point blank/flat out lie to face denying as much as she could. And, I knew based on my snooping she always got off on lying to me and being secretive. My point is, based on what you've presented here despite what your husband is telling you he's almost certainly having an affair with this woman. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's a 99% probability based on all the experience people have here with these situations. It doesn't mean you can't stand for your marriage, forgive him, and maybe work it out...but brace yourself for that eventual truth.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
I officially am not sleeping in bed with him anymore or having sex
Good! Stand up for yourself.
Originally Posted by Artemis1
So thats what im going to do. I do know my husband and we are still best friends.... For now I am trying to just be his friend, and think of him that way, last night he told me I am his very best friend and he doesn't want to lose that, and that he loves me very much. Yesterday I was in the town where he works as a cop as I had errands, etc. I had to do. And he came and found me 3 times just to talk, we didn't discuss the relationship at all, just discussed work and all kinds of different topics just like good friends would. I never sought him out, he always sought me out
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Also if he fired you as his wife he's not entitled to you as his best friend. Cheating and asking for a divorce is firing you as his wife. So if you aren't his wife, so much so he can just chat with other ladies when ever then he doesn't get the privileges of you being his best friend either. That's a wife's job.
Would friends, let alone best friends, treat each other the way your husband is treating you now? If he's going to cheat on you and divorce you, do you really want to remain friends afterwards? This seems like a act of fear, not strength. Maybe it's time to give husband a preview of what losing his W/best friend looks like. Most on here would tell you to treat him as you would a cashier at the grocery store - be polite and pleasant in encounters but also brief and don't overshare, and then go on with your life.
Originally Posted by Thornton
It's important that you are honest with yourself or your situation will never change.
You want the best shot at getting your H back (and faithful)? Bare with me, I'm going to be blunt.
You stop putting up with his bullsh!t and start respecting yourself. People can't love people they don't respect, and your H does not respect you. There are zero consequences to his behavior. Why would he stop talking to and having sex with other women? There's no reason to. ... Being his "friend" will not work, Artemis. Being a friend enables his behavior and provides him with a very solid Plan B. It will also make him drag things out so he has time to sleep with as many women as possible. Be his friend and watch this drag out for months if not years.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I felt it was important to not blow smoke up your a$$.
^^^THIS!!!
Originally Posted by Thornton
1. Almost everyone here does not take the advice given to them when they first arrive. 2. Almost everyone here regrets not taking the advice given to them when they first arrived.
^^^THIS!!! I ABSOLUTELY wish I had be stronger initially and stood up right away to what ExW was doing. Not sure it would've had a different outcome, but definitely think it would've helped me heal/process sooner, and maybe ExW respect me more. It's time to dig down and get strong and stand up for yourself. If you don't it's likely in the near future you'll wish you did.
Artemis1 - Sorry if I'm a little behind here. Just read through your entire thread and pulled some things out. The good news is you have some FANTASTIC feedback - maybe more than I've seen on here in quote awhile - at least a dozen expert board posters in a short period of time. My guess is it's also a bit overwhelming, but as your sitch progresses read back through what people wrote so you can process it again.
My biggest overall takeaway from your thread so far is that you need to get strong and stand up for yourself. STOP believing his lies, stop being his best friend. START acting as if YOU are the catch and HE is going to lose you. It's not about discarding your marriage, it's the best way to make yourself attractive to other people (including your H). Start working out, buy some new clothes, go out and do some new activities/hobbies, make new friends...etc. The point of DB here is to work on yourself and make yourself the best you can be, and maybe it'll lead to your spouse coming around, but if it doesn't...you'll be a better you regardless of what happens.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I knew my ExW was having an EA (and quickly confirmed PA). I mean I have hard evidence of it. I absolutely knew for a fact. I confronted her several times about it over a couple months, slowly showing her more of my cards and each time giving her the opportunity to come clean about it. (Btw, this is not the approach people on here would recommend and I did this before finding the forum). Each time she would look me in the eyes and point blank/flat out lie to face denying as much as she could. And, I knew based on my snooping she always got off on lying to me and being secretive. My point is, based on what you've presented here despite what your husband is telling you he's almost certainly having an affair with this woman. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's a 99% probability based on all the experience people have here with these situations. It doesn't mean you can't stand for your marriage, forgive him, and maybe work it out...but brace yourself for that eventual truth.
Do not reveal WHAT you know of HOW you know, Only that you DO KNOW.
Here is a good response: "We both know that is a lie (on not true). When you are ready to speak the truth, I will listen" Then walk away.
Okay so I'll start my replying then I have to explain something that happened last night.
First I actually know for a fact they are just friends because I actually know the woman hes talking to as friends. I think somewhere along the way this got lost in translation, maybe I didnt word things correctly and I apologize for this miscommunication as it seems to be the one constant here
Anyways so last night was a very turbulent night. To start off with my H asked me if I had thought about the Separation, I told him I hadnt had much time and I didn't really want it so he would have to figure it out. He looked confused so I asked him "Do you still want a separation? And he said " I dont know what I want anymore, I'm so confused" so I asked him if he wanted to take time to think and he said yes. And that was the end of that.
Later that night my husband had gotten sick and was throwing up in our bathroom, now I couldnt help but come in to check on him and see if he needed anything. After staying in there with him for a bit and he was better, my emotions were gwtting the better of me so I excused myself and went to another room to gather myself. My H came after me after a bit and found me crying. I asked him if he would let me be and he said he didnt want me to be upset and wanted to help. I told him I was emotional and didnt want to talk about it as I didnt want to burden him etc. (I was trying hard not to say what I wanted to say as is suggested here alot) but he kept insisting and thanks to no sleep and my emotional state I told him pretty much just how hard the situation was as I want to be his wife and to take care of him when hes sick but that he wants to fire me from this job and its hard for me. He then said "I do want you as my wife, I'm sorry I'm done with alk this stuff, I want to work on our marriage and be together" Obviously hearing this I was taken back and cautious I told him that he shouldnt say this just because I was upset or because I just took care of him while he was sick, that he shouldnt say it unless he meant it, he swore he did. Then he hugged me and after about a minute he pulled back and said "I'm still so conflicted and confused, I love you and I do want to fix this but I'm just so confused" I said so you didnt fully mean what you said that your ready to work on this completely and he said "part of me really does, I even talk to (his friend) about it today, but I'm so conflicted and I want to be honest with you, I'm sorry." I told him that "I appreciate your courage in telling me all of this, I know your confused and I know it was hard for you to say part of you wanted to try and probably even harder to say your still too confused to say that your ready for sure right now, do you want to talk more about it right now or do you want time to think?" He said he needed time. And we left things on a good note with that.
I'm pretty low today now, I haven't slept and I'm very emotional. I'm working a 15 hour shift today which isn't helping too much. Anyways I was aware that this is an emotional roller coaster, everyone says that the WAS will go back and forth so last night when he first said he wanted to fix us I was trying not to take it too completely to heart, but still hearing him say it then take it back at least a bit to where he wasnt ready to commit to it was hard to take anyways. The fact that he told me these things and was honest with me like that shows progress so I'm going to take that victory. I'm going to keep doing the DBing. I wanted to share this though.
These things are actually very predictable once you have been here for a while. They almost always play out the same way.
I'm going to be really honest with you, ok?
The reason your H is confused is because there is another woman. Yes, he is cheating on you right now. I would bet my mortgage on it.
He wants to keep "buying time", because he is trying to figure out which woman to be with. His anxiety is spiking because he is living a lie and it's extremely stressful to cheat and carry on like this. He is guilt ridden.
On one hand he has you, the faithful loyal wife who will tolerate anything that he does. He doesn't pick you at this point because you don't carry yourself as a high value partner (he doesn't respect you). Being loyal to a cheater is not sexy.
On the other hand, the other woman excites him. She is probably a challenge, she makes him work for her affection. It's kind of like dating your first crush in high school. Emotions and hormones are running rampant.
The only way to get him off the fence is to remove yourself from the situation. You have to become the challenge for him. People want what they can't have. He has to see you as a challenge. He has to see you as the woman that every man in town wants, but can't have.
So how do you become that woman? You simply stop tolerating being cheated on. You tell him you know what's going on and that if he can't decide to be married to you (and faithful), that you will make the decision for him.
The longer you let this play out, the worse your chances of reconciliation. Rip the band aid off.
