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Hey Wolf, how’s it going?



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I hear what a lot of you are saying about the parental alienation. I have kept my mouth shut about endless amounts of things. I am sorry but I had to say something to my son. I know I expressed it already, but he was begging me to play. And when I figured it out that he could, she then shoots it down. Look I know he was asking his mom too, (he told me he said for him to ask me). Trying to make me out to be the bad guy here. Why else would he be asking me for months? If his mom would have said no from the beginning he wouldn’t be asking me. Correct? Honestly, I try very hard to be the nice guy and bite my tongue, but I am sorry, this really aggravated me. Look I was with my ex for 19years I know exactly how she operates. She wanted me to be the bad guy, and when I wasn’t and realized I was going to coach him and spend more time with him, she took it away. Also, for the past 3 weeks that I have called him, he hasn’t answered once. I call him the same time everyday. Granted can they be busy at that time, possibly but for 3 weeks? Also, I did t get to speak to him on 4th of July, and last night. She is just getting g more blatant and trying to ruin my relationship with my son now.

I got the transcripts from the court. The judge said, he was “taking off his robe” and just speaking as adults about a situation. And said maybe wait 6 weeks till the birth of my son, I don’t know, but she needs a little time. At the end he then stated, this is something for all of you to work out and figure out how long it should be. So, my lawyers conversation with her lawyer was off the record. It was right before we walked out of court. Even so, he stated it was something that we needed to figure out and work on. I am just so tired of all of this. My lawyer states that since it was a suggestion and we were supposed to work it out, I didn’t do anything wrong. And honestly, just me speaking here for her to get an order of protection just because she can is ridiculous and ridiculous the judge granted that!!! I am sure my ex will make up more lies in court on Friday to keep me away from my daughter. I bet all of you, because if this gets dropped I am supposed to have my children for the weekend. I bet my daughter some how won’t be coming.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am sorry but I had to say something to my son. I try very hard to be the nice guy and bite my tongue, but I am sorry, this really aggravated me.

When I feel strong emotions is often precisely when I bite my tongue. Must this be expressed now--or could it be expressed in an hour, in a day, when I've cooled down and organized my thoughts? It's not about being nice. It's about achieving your goals--a strong relationship with your kids and a working relationship with your XW. Ready2Change said it well, "There are significantly better ways to help your children deal with unhealthy parenting styles."

Originally Posted by Wolfman
Also, for the past 3 weeks that I have called him, he hasn’t answered once. I call him the same time everyday. Granted can they be busy at that time, possibly but for 3 weeks?

Does your custody schedule entitle you to talk to your son daily during her custody time? If YES, I would report the violation. If NO, that was generous of her to allow you extra time for so long. Her stopping indicates your co-parenting relationship with her is deteriorating. Is there anything you can do to improve that? The more you can do to bump up your relationship and not bump down your relationship, the more you may get "perks" like the above.

"Dear XW,

I get I have not always been the co-parent dreams are made of. This transition has been tough. I want to do better. I don't expect a response now, but expect me to be more receptive than defensive the next time you reach out about the kids (e.g., something you'd prefer to happen at both homes or that I could do to make their lives easier.)

Thanks,
Wolf"

Based on prior communications, you seem to be allowed to communicate with your XW. I would not admit any faults that could be used against you in a courtroom. You could consult your attorney if you're unsure about your wording.



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Originally Posted by Wolfman
I got the transcripts from the court. I am sure my ex will make up more lies in court on Friday to keep me away from my daughter. I bet all of you, because if this gets dropped I am supposed to have my children for the weekend..

Given the transcripts support your position, and given you were denied access to your Ds for 6-8 weeks over this, I'm concerned your attorneys are only presenting this to the court when the 6-8 weeks are up. Instead of a parental alienation expert, you may just need an attorney who follows up at least weekly?

Originally Posted by Wolfman
I bet my daughter some how won’t be coming

Probably not. The court can stop your XW from interfering with your ability to communicate with and see your D during your custody time. It's a great battle to win! It's then up to your D what she wants. This may be a "start small" thing--e.g., video chats, quick trips to ice cream, etc. She may NEVER want to see your GF and that's okay. Your GF is your family. Your GF is not her family.



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CW makes some excellent points!

I don't tend to go in for those tv psychologists because I think they are more about the show than the actual practice, but I occasionally watch Dr. Phil and he sometimes says stuff that resonates with me. 3 things that he says all the time that pop into my head every time I read your posts are: people either get it or they don't; don't involve children in adult things (meaning situations, decisions, discussions); and do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

So, people either get it or they don't: that one seems pretty self explanatory. People have told you on here repeatedly that you can only control what YOU do and not what your XW does. They've also repeatedly told you to follow the court orders you have and to document, document, document. And, many have mentioned that in order to make your situation better you are going to have to learn how to communicate effectively with your XW which leads me to the last one of do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for yourself and your family, but you can't do that at the expense of always proving a point that your XW is bad and you aren't. You may occasionally have to compromise or let something go in an effort to win the larger battle. Case in point, you said you understand what everyone is saying about commenting to your son, but you have let a lot go and you HAD to say something. No, you didn't HAVE to say something, you WANTED to say something because you wanted to be right. Were you right? Maybe, but you don't know for sure why your XW said no, so maybe not. But, did you get the result you wanted in saying something negative to your son? Nope, didn't change a thing, did it? Sometimes you have to pick your battles and you have to prepare to lose a battle or two in your overall effort to win the war. This also ties to the 3rd one about not involving kids in adult things. Look, I get that your wife is talking 10 kinds of smack over there, or at least that is your perception, based on texts you have seen, but again, as I have said many times, YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER. You can only control how you behave and respond. Don't you want to do anything and everything you can to make sure your side of the street is totally clean and you are above reproach in all this so that when things do come to court, you have done everything by the book and she is the one looking like a loon because she is flaking out and doing her own thing and changing plans and going against court orders? I know you think she has got the law on her side and she's gotten some judgments that you don't agree with but the best way you can respond to that is to continue to be the one who is above reproach and following ALL orders to the letter so that no one can come back and say well Wolf didn't hold up his end of the deal. Does that make sense? I'm not suggesting that you have to tell your kids you love their mother and she is wonderful, but what I am suggesting is just leave her name out of your mouth in discussions with your kids. If THEY bring her up, listen, validate, but do NOT add your own commentary. Is she a horrible, evil person? Quite possibly, but you don't want to plant that in the kids' heads so they are parroting it later as "Dad told me....."


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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I had this discussion with a friend of mine. He said that early on in his divorce process, he noticed that when he said something negative about his ex, his son would either get a blank or sad look on his face. He realized that his son was feeling caught in the middle so he resolved to try his hardest to cut out his personal feelings towards her and try to show kindness and love in regards to her. He said it was amazing how that bonded his son to him. He got closer to his dad and saw him as his “rock”. It took his mom longer to figure that out and it did some harm to their relationship. Now that his son is 19, his relationship has improved with his mom but he lives with his dad and they are very close.

This is an incredibly difficult situation Wolfman but it won’t last forever. Be true to the person you want to be and don’t be dragged down to her level. Your kids will notice. They will feel safe around you. Do not give in to your emotions. Choose better not bitter and rise above. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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Thank you everyone for chiming in. A lot of good stuff there. Tomorrow I have court. Right now it looks like the lawyers came up with an agreement. Drop the order of protection and go to court ordered therapy. With a new therapist that is progressive. Meaning over time increase my time with my daughter. The other therapist after 8 months did nothing.

I want to speak honestly. These last 3 years have beyond difficult. I just want to say thank you to all for listening and chiming in. I come to this board and it is my therapy. I do t know about a lot of you and how you cope and deal. But I am struggling. I am getting more and more depressed. I know what a lot of you will say, go on meds, I did that and doesn’t want to do that again. Go to therapy, did that and talking doesn’t change my situation. The best way to describe what I am feeling. Listen to Metallica, “Nothing Matters”. My ship is sinking and sinking fast. The loss of my daughter as really taken a toll on me. How do some of you do it? Deal or cope with your situation? Sorry for the rant I am just hurting bad. Thanks for listening. I’ll let you all know how court goes tomorrow.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Sorry correction the Metallica song is “fade to black”


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
The loss of my daughter as really taken a toll on me. How do some of you do it? Deal or cope with your situation? Sorry for the rant I am just hurting bad. Thanks for listening. I’ll let you all know how court goes tomorrow.


The gym and physical activity was the key for me but everyone is different. Exercise is an anti-depressant in itself.

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Hi Wolf,

I cope with life by doing fun things with fun people. Saturday, I paddleboarded picnicked, and walked a beach with Ms Paddleboarded. Sunday I hiked and picnicked with a female friend. Monday I paddleboarded and picnicked with Ms Catwomam. Tuesday and Wednesday I hiked with my kids. Thursday I saw a movie and chatted with a male friend. Thursday I picnicked with Ms Ukelele. I have something to look forward to everyday.

As for a hard moment—hearing about my XGF getting into a vulnerable situation while out drinking and meeting men—I posted on here. My feelings, key details, I got good feedback in handling it. Post more here?

A couple of other uncomfortable moments I talked to friends about. I’m working on being more vulnerable.

Often being outdoors and physical activity helps me.

As for Fade to Black, while I’m curious, I haven’t listened yet as I was happy and home alone last night, a delicate thing. Music has power. I often listen to music that’s lifts my mood or helps me dig deep.



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