Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again

[smilie]

Great job dude! Hypergamy at its finest. Karma is a real law of the universe like gravity. Chin up and keep moving forward. Big ups!

I believe in Karma, I do. But she has done this 4 times now and still comes out on top. Perhaps she will take on my Vestibular Migraine symptoms.... I don't know, I like to think that people who treat people disgustingly will have their Karmic debt collected, I don't see that it happens very often.

I'll keep going, it's gotta be done, eh?

[ovrrnbw]

Great job dude! Hypergamy at its finest. Karma is a real law of the universe like gravity. Chin up and keep moving forward. Big ups!

I believe in Karma, I do. But she has done this 4 times now and still comes out on top. Perhaps she will take on my Vestibular Migraine symptoms.... I don't know, I like to think that people who treat people disgustingly will have their Karmic debt collected, I don't see that it happens very often.

I'll keep going, it's gotta be done, eh?

The universe is 4 dimensional (that we know of right?) the "top" is just what you imagine it is. I think you will come out on top of this, should you decide.

[ovrrnbw]

My wife came to get her things and it was tough from the start, seeing as she rolled up in a new (2018) shiny Range Rover rubbing my nose in the fact that she has "Traded Up".

This is just your perception. It means only what you decide it means.

When I answered the door she was all happy and cheery (either putting it on or shoving her emotions away in a box) it was like she was going to visit one her old best friends. How can someone do that?

Detachment. That's exactly what you should be doing.

But here's the thing: it was like she didn't want to walk away. She stood there not saying anything for ages, not sure if she was wanting to say something else, or if she was expecting me to say something to her. Eventually she just turned, went to leave. I waited for her and her sister to go, said "Take care" and closed the door. I really found it interesting that she loitered for a fair while though. not reading anything into this as she won't be coming back, either by her choice or mine.

I'm glad you said nothing. She was fishing.

Anyway, I survived the ordeal without coming across pathetic, so that's good. But now I actually know that she has left me for somebody who is affluent. We have never had a lot of money as we were both in debt, so have never had the nice house, car & things. So instead of us working together to create them as I wanted to do by us starting a business together, she decided to just have an affair with somebody who has already got that stuff and has been obviously working her way into their life until she was in a position to move in. To me that is shallow.

Good, you survived. Now that you have handled that so well, you can move on to bigger and better things. With your work background, you will very well off when you get up and running. Make a plan, review it, tweak if necessary. Execute your plan. Then you will be you having a happy successful life.

And honestly, if this OM is so smart and successful he will eventually dump her anyways.

[smilie]

ovrrnbw
Your comments make so much sense to me and I feel stoked that you have faith that I'll be OK. I hope that I am and that I can pick myself up and start to follow my dreams alone. Like I said to my wife on the weekend that she left they are my dreams and always have been. I need to follow them now and see where they take me. God know how I start that one.

And honestly, if this OM is so smart and successful he will eventually dump her anyways.

Where is the psychology to this though? I am interested as to why her might/would dump her. Is he a player that just enjoys the chase and now that he has her he no longer feels that thrill? Will he eventually realise that she is only with him because she wanted a step up in her life and that he has resources that she wants to have too?

I would love to understand that.

[ovrrnbw]

You should have faith in yourself, look how well you have done so far. You are getting better through this.

And to me, a guy who is smart/successful is going to realize that he was the OM to a woman and that she is not exactly a great partner. You aren't sure what this guy is looking for anyways it may be just a fling to him but who cares... you shouldn't concern yourself with it either. She's not your lady anymore, not your problem.

Lots of people jump from R to R and never heal and just carry their baggage for life. That is the best part about this for you. You get to do things the right way. You get to grow instead of learning to run from your fears.

[smilie]

You should have faith in yourself, look how well you have done so far. You are getting better through this.

I don't see myself as doing well at all.

And to me, a guy who is smart/successful is going to realize that he was the OM to a woman and that she is not exactly a great partner. You aren't sure what this guy is looking for anyways it may be just a fling to him but who cares... you shouldn't concern yourself with it either. She's not your lady anymore, not your problem.

No, not my problem. I suppose I can't see how he'd figure it out. I didn't and I thought I was smart. Obviously not.

Lots of people jump from R to R and never heal and just carry their baggage for life. That is the best part about this for you. You get to do things the right way. You get to grow instead of learning to run from your fears.

R jumping is exactly what she has done since she left home. I need to study Red Flags. I've actually been thinking about my future life today also. I've got to do what I dreamed of doing. That'll be my way back from this and this time I don't have to wait until she gets onboard with the idea, like I have done all these years, I can just do it.

[Traveler]

I don't see myself as doing well at all.

You did a great job dealing with your STBXW today.

R jumping is exactly what she has done since she left home. I need to study Red Flags.

A RED FLAG is a behavior you won't accept in a partner. A YELLOW FLAG is something that causes you to be more cautious. When you met your STBXW, she (A) had an exit affair with you, (B) intentionally jumps between relationships without processing baggage, and (C) had baggage to process being fresh out of a relationship. For me personally, (B) would've been a red flag, (A) is a yellow flag. Immediate disqualification for having an exit affair would rule out too many women I'd be happy to be in a relationship with. Your preferences and flag colors may vary. The key is to note and consider past behaviors.

[smilie]

A RED FLAG is a behavior you won't accept in a partner. A YELLOW FLAG is something that causes you to be more cautious. When you met your STBXW, she (A) had an exit affair with you, (B) intentionally jumps between relationships without processing baggage, and (C) had baggage to process being fresh out of a relationship. For me personally, (B) would've been a red flag, (A) is a yellow flag. Immediate disqualification for having an exit affair would rule out too many women I'd be happy to be in a relationship with. Your preferences and flag colors may vary. The key is to note and consider past behaviors.

Thanks for the explanation. I can't see how somebody can keep going from relationship to relationship like that with absolutely no time in between - as you say, no time to process baggage.

I am having a really bad day today. Sorry about keep posting here so frequently.

Yesterday was a lot to take and I'm not sure if I feel any different inside - still feel in turmoil. I feel pathetic and I can't see a future although I have a vision in my mind of what it might look like. I have read the detachment thread, but still can't seem to do it. I suppose it can take a while?

The answer to me is to move away so that I'm nowhere near our old life together. I have a mental plan for this and will be calling an estate agent about a house the other side of the country. I don't know how long it will take me to recover from this, but I feel so alone here and isolated there's nothing around here that would change that, and with the stbxw only 15 mins down the road it's a high emotional charge for me, as the town is so small that I could bump into her/them at any moment.

I really feel, at the moment, that this is going to be the death of me. I suppose that will change.

[LH19]

S,

Detachment is the hardest thing to achieve in DB land and it can take months/years. Some people never obtain full detachment. Moving away and not having kids with her will certainly help. Smiles I thought my life was over when my family was being torn apart. I was never more wrong. It has its challenges for sure but I have like zero stress in my life now. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes “Life is all about how you handle plan B”.

[smilie]

Detachment is the hardest thing to achieve in DB land and it can take months/years. Some people never obtain full detachment. Moving away and not having kids with her will certainly help. Smiles I thought my life was over when my family was being torn apart. I was never more wrong. It has its challenges for sure but I have like zero stress in my life now. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes “Life is all about how you handle plan B”.

She's certainly had a head start on that one then, as you and others, have said. So I'm not going mad wondering why I can't detach then? I know that I can't meet up with her anymore as it takes me right back to square one again, especially now that she has made a statement that she has traded up and left her little pathetic mess of a husband behind. How to handle Plan B presupposes that I have a Plan B, I haven't, so there's the place to start.

I am currently really worrying about this legal stuff and my pension money. At the start of all this when I didn't have any money and I needed to employ a lawyer and I wouldn't know if I was liable to state assistance (they told me 6 weeks, which it was), I felt that I had no other choice and felt coerced and pressured, which put me in a position, by my stbxw's actions to withdrawing access to money by leaving and refusing to pay maintenance payments, where I panicked, couldn't think straight and decided that the only option was to cash in one of my pensions.

The small one that she had already started off requesting the lump sum was to take up to 3 months to come through they said, which wouldn't have left enough time for me to pay my legal fees, rent a house (need to pay a year or 6 months rent up-front) as I can't prove regular income, before I needed to be out of here at the end of August. So in full panic mode, I triggered a lump sum payment of my next larger one. I was debating a draw-down plan where they take your money out and reinvest it elsewhere which then enables a draw-down feature where you can leave most of it in and then take amounts out as you require. I should have done this, but this also takes a few months. Requesting a lump sum payment takes 10 days, so I requested that one. I ummed and arrrgh'd few a few days, then committed.

So now I'm this stage where I now have a lump sum in my other bank account that I opened specifically for this. I have also paid my lawyer out of this account. What's more, the one that was supposed to take up to 3 months has also been paid in, so that's a double-whammy! I now have a bit too much and I had the idea that once I pay my lawyer, removals, deposit & 1 year rent at a new place, that I would speak with a Financial Advisor as see what options I have to re-invest the money for retirement, so that I don't lose out further down the road.

I also now have clicked that it was almost certainly my stbxw's intention to cash in all my pensions into this new "joint" account she set up, before she actually left me - it would only be a couple of more months. But during the conversation we had the weekend before she left where I mentioned that it seemed that she held her work as a greater priority to us and our relationship, I also mentioned it was like she was having an affair (with work I meant). I think this is when she thought I was on to her and it short-circuited her plans - hence the urgent need for a last minute week off work and the need to quickly leave me the following weekend. If I hadn't of "picked up" on something that weekend and raised it as an issue, then I truly believe she would have had all of the money, just like she had all of my dental claim money too.

The reason I have this problem is because the next stage of the legal process next week is Full Financial Disclosure. I am hoping that because this money from my pension has been paid out, that it won't be put against me for her paying interim maintenance, simply because:

1) It was money from my pension that was paid in to many,many years before we met
2) I was put into a position where I needed access to money quickly (as she had withdrawn hers) and I needed to move
3) because I couldn't stop the payment and I was going to re-invest after moving costs via a financial advisor to build growth for my retirement - just as it should have been.

I have never been dishonest, so I think the best policy is to hold the conversation. This entire thing has turned in to a bit of a mess in this regard, all because I needed some money to pay for immediate needs and services and the pressure of making a decision.

Does all that sound stupid?