i see that you've already popped over here and your thread is getting good traction. I'm sorry you're here, but the folks on this board are good people and their advice is sound. good luck as you travel your journey.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am trying to read up more on other posts, so I understand alot of this stuff more and can handle things the best I can. As I said last night my H and I talked for over 2 hours. He wanted to talk, and I did my best to validate and deflect. Although some things I did have to answer and discuss. My H told me about alot of the problems in our marriage that he has issues with, and yes some things specifically with me, which hurt of course, but I stayed calm and understanding through it. Honestly most of what he said were things I have a problem with as well and have been trying to work on myself and come back to me. H told me that about a week and a half ago (we were currently separated and him talking to other people) that he was making the decision to stop talking to people and he was going to write things down and talk to me in a couple days about what we can do to work on our marriage, he had wanted to fix it. That night though I had found out about him physically cheating on me for the first time in our marriage, obviously it was a few weeks back, and I didnt bring it up calmly, I pretty much woke him in the middle of the night screaming (I know i didn't handle that well) and after that night he had decided to be officially done.
He told me that he was unhappy and that he just wanted to start over completely with his life... He asked me alot of questions and I deflected when I could and I tried not to talk about me changing and realizing things as much as possible as I know that he wouldnt believe it. But he did say if I came up with a Separation plan he was happy with, he would hold off on the divorce and try it. I am completely aware that divorce is still very much a possibility and of course I am hurting with all of this. But I am trying to keep faith and stay strong.
I am going to focus on myself and my son and getting back to who I am and the things I love. I am trying to research Separations, especially within this site, and try to figure out the best way to do one for us and what the outlines for it need to be. My H told me he really didn't want me to move out, I told him I didn't want to either but I want to do whatever is going to be best for us moving forward to really work things out, and we left it at that. As I mentioned i'm researching but if anyone has any advice on how to handle this separation I welcome any advice. Thank you all
H told me that about a week and a half ago (we were currently separated and him talking to other people) that he was making the decision to stop talking to people and he was going to write things down and talk to me in a couple days about what we can do to work on our marriage, he had wanted to fix it. That night though I had found out about him physically cheating on me for the first time in our marriage, obviously it was a few weeks back, and I didnt bring it up calmly, I pretty much woke him in the middle of the night screaming (I know i didn't handle that well) and after that night he had decided to be officially done.
This is called gaslighting. He's trying to shift the blame to you. DO NOT BUY IT. He was already cheating and ready to leave. He's trying to make you feel guilty.
Of course waking him up in the middle of the night is not the best move... but also give yourself a break! He cheated on you and you were super angry. I have actually done the exact same thing more than once throughout all this mess. I'm not proud of it but I had a right to be angry... and you do too. If your H says he changed his mind about staying in the M because you were angry that he cheated? C'mon. I'm calling BS on this one and you should too.
Originally Posted by artemis
But he did say if I came up with a Separation plan he was happy with, he would hold off on the divorce and try it.
Do you WANT to separate? If so, come up with the best, most favorable to you plan that you can. If not... I agree with CW. Why are you doing all the work for something you don't want? Let him figure his $hit out.
My H and I talked a lot about separating and I read a ton about it too. Here's my thought on this-- don't try to engineer some situation where you think he isn't going to be seeing other women while you are separated. He ABSOLUTELY is. What is the difference between S and D to you? Paperwork? Are you sure that the D wouldn't be a better option financially?
Remember-- you can't control him. Trying to put together a separation plan with restrictions on his behavior is not going to work. You only control you.
Originally Posted by artemis
I am going to focus on myself and my son and getting back to who I am and the things I love.
This is terrific! Do it! What are all the things you love that you want to get back to? Tell us about your son too. What are three cool things you can do for yourself and your son this weekend?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
He wasn't blaming me for being mad at him for cheating, I apologize if I made it come off as him blaming me at that point, he just doesnt believe that we can ever get past it, like for real, with full forgivness and no resentments, and me not feeling the need to spy on him for the rest of our life practically. (I know it would take a lot of work and time but I know I could in time, but there is no point in me telling him that as he'd have to see it not hear it, like we all know)
And No I don't want to separate, and It isn't a legal separation either, more just us separating more then we have such as the not talking as much as we still have and so on. I don't want to separate, but I really don't want to go to a lawyer and start filing for divorce either. I'm very unsure of what to do with this situation, I mean if I tell him I don't want the separation, should I just not do anything and see if he files for divorce? I thought getting him to agree to separate for awhile instead of filing for divorce would be better.... was I wrong???? I'm really trying to do my best here, but I'm obviously still learning.
I use to hike and run way more when my H and I had gotten together, over the years, due to his highly demanding 2 careers i tended to become more of a housewife in the sense that I worked less on things I enjoyed and would do things for my H, like make appointments, take care of insurance things, do things for him, just stuff like that, he liked that I helped but had never asked me to, I just sort of slipped into it I guess. Thats why me getting back to the things I enjoy is so important, i became Extremley dependent upon him over the years, Which drove him a bit crazy and my independence is what he Loved about me in the beginning.
As for this weekend sadly I am working long shifts all weekend. I am considering taking my son to the Zoo sometime next week, and Perhaps take him to the pool one day. Maybe watching a good movie with him, no phone or H in sight. My son is 7, and honestly just about the easiest kid out there, and I know as I've helped a friend practically raise her 4 at times lol, I was lucky with him for sure. My H also bought our son some really great radios the other day so I may try to play with those with him.
I haven't seen anything on here yet about it, but should I tell my H about medical concerns? I recently had something come up in which I am having to get a biopsy done, and I've been torn. I have never lied to my H, but I'm afraid to tell him about this situation. See part of me is concerned that if he knew about the possibility of me being sick he may be kind and come back out of obligation if something is going on, but I don't want him to do this out of obligation. I only want him to reconcile because he sees the changes and wants us to work on his own. But I really don't like not being honest with him about the situation.
Also I totally understand why it seems like gaslighting, but I should also add that he had started a letter to me about reconciliation on that night.... He showed it to me last night, only had 2 paragraphs but he had started it and dated it, also he had cut off the OW that night. Not saying anything he has done hasn't been selfish or any excuse of the sort, simply making sure I give all the facts.
If I were you, I would not research separation or do any work along those lines. If that is what he wants to do, let him do the heavy lifting. I would talk to a L to make sure I had all the facts and was protected in case my H did decide to file for D, but I probably would not take any steps myself towards either S or D. If that means staying in the same house, I'd sleep in the master bedroom and let him sleep on the couch or wherever he wants. I would not text him or call him but I would respond in a friendly way if he reached out to me. I would do my absolute best to stop worrying about him and what he was doing, or not, and focus 100% on myself and my son. Hike, run, pool, zoo-- all sounds great! Exercising is a great way to GAL and can help you burn off some of the anxiety.
Avoid all relationship talks with him and have some set responses if he tries to start "oh, I get that you feel that way, I'm so sorry i gotta run" and exit the room. What is his relationship with your son-- does he consider himself his dad? Would he want some level of visitation rights if you were to split up? Assuming yes and assuming you still stay in the house, maybe you can agree to some days/nights that he watches your kid so that you can get out of the house and GAL. I would not tell him about the biopsy.
Dropping the rope is hard. This is a kind of "fake it til you make it" kind of thing. But you can do it! if he says he wants to continue towards D-- I would tell him, okay. if that is what you want, be my guest. (I would also say we won't be friends but that is me :)) But the key is acting like you don't care and then doing your very best NOT to care by refocusing all your energy on you and getting that independent, fun, athletic Artemis back!
Also... remember, believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do. I would not believe anything he said about cutting off the OW or wanting to reconcile that night, dated letter or no.
Hang in there!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you so much for your response. It really does help. I had no idea what I should do with the situation but I'm going to take your advice. I'm not going to do research into the S and I will stay in the bedroom and he can sleep on the couch. I'm working hard on trying to not contact him. I have made big strides with it, though I have faltered a few times, but its getting easier. I do notice him contacting me more when I dont try to contact him.
He has always been the type of person with my son that he didnt want him to call him dad, its just not how he was. But he's always been there for him 100%. Him and my son have talked about it and although he doesn't feel quite like his dad, he is his parent, confusing I know its been years of understanding it, and that he loves him and will always be there for him. They have a Great relationship so I will probably have to work something out so that he can watch him for me to GAL. Exercising helps with my anxiety very much thankfully. I'm considering trying the breaking plates too lol
The biopsy thing is what is so hard for me, I'm keeping it to myself for now, still not sure what I will do if it comes back with bad results though.
Advice in something. So I'm trying to back off and focus on me etc. My H keeps texting me today and I'm being friendly. He just sent me a picture after he got done chasing a guy... Security work... Just oh his face and sweating after the chase captioned " my post chase face" in these moments should I flirt with him? Some forums say to flirt but in my situation not sure if I should or what
