Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again

[Traveler]

If she fails to turn up, or sends a message saying that she is not coming, then she is in Default. At this point my response to her will be something along the lines of "If you have not collected your things by 4pm today, then you are in agreement through acquiescence, that your all of your belongings can be discarded.". If she fails to respond and fails to show up by that time, then she has tacitly agreed that her belongings can be discarded. smile

I would consult with your attorney before doing that. In my neck of the woods, putting them outside at the appointed time would be okay, but sending an e-mail stating "If you have not collected your things by 4pm today, then you are in agreement through acquiescence, that your all of your belongings can be discarded." would not give you any right to harm her belongings. You would be liable for their value or replacement cost. You want her to be the only one worrying about the legal consequences of her actions. (:

[smilie]

I would consult with your attorney before doing that. In my neck of the woods, putting them outside at the appointed time would be okay, but sending an e-mail stating "If you have not collected your things by 4pm today, then you are in agreement through acquiescence, that your all of your belongings can be discarded." would not give you any right to harm her belongings. You would be liable for their value or replacement cost. You want her to be the only one worrying about the legal consequences of her actions. (:

Oh, ok. That's interesting. I play it safe then. Less than 5 hours to go. This is horrible and I'm not really looking forward to today. Be glad when it's over

[Traveler]

You've got this! If things get scary, remember you can call the police! I had to do that once when an ex misbehaved picking up her things--stole $250-$350. This was the same person who for years before (and after) gave tons to charity. I couldn't believe she'd do that! She later made up for it by secretly covering my D's bus fare for 3.5 years, and 5.5 years later she's a good friend again.

[smilie]

So, it's done.

My wife came to get her things and it was tough from the start, seeing as she rolled up in a new (2018) shiny Range Rover rubbing my nose in the fact that she has "Traded Up".

When I answered the door she was all happy and cheery (either putting it on or shoving her emotions away in a box) it was like she was going to visit one her old best friends. How can someone do that?

She arrived 15 mins late and apologised. In response I asked her how long she was likely to be and she said 45min to an hour. After a while she sent her sister downstairs to ask if she could take the suitcases. I had already pre-emted this and actually packed them with some of my old clothes and put them in the lounge set up like I was going somewhere. I also put a small rucksack on the top to make it look real. I had packed them full of old clothes to give them weight. I told her sister that they are all packed with my stuff and I'm all ready to go. I then shouted up the stairs that the only two I had available were her 2 smaller ones under the bed. I absolutely knew that she would try to take these. This would have meant that I wouldn't have had any suitcases if I choose to go away for a while. Bearing in mind that she is now driving around in this flashy car. She should have brought enough containers with her, in my view as that would have been reasonable - only brought 3 boxes. I would have never got those suitcases back and she was banking on my helpful 'nature' so that I would say "yes".

So basically in true Hypergamy fashion, she dropped me as I'm poor and off she's gone with somebody who hasn't got an issue with money (it appears). It's really annoyed me in a way, because she knew that I wanted us to set up a business and she held back from doing that. So rather than working to get to a place where she said she wanted us to be, she just had an affair with somebody who already had what she wanted and worked on them until she got to a stage where she could move in with them.

She always used to (say that she) dislike(d) people posing around in their flashy cars, and now she is one of them. Personally I think this is shallow, but I'm emotionally bias at the moment and maybe I also feel a bit pathetic as I didn't give her that lifestyle. I certainly wouldn't use that as the reason to live with somebody. I would quite happily live poorish for the rest of my life if I had an honest, happy and loving relationship.

It is obvious that she couldn't give a [censored] about my feelings having "showed" me the type of lifestyle that she is now living and one which I wanted us to create together. How foolish do I feel for waiting around for her to work on a business together - she never wanted to work for it, just wanted to exchange sex for it. Argh!

I staying in the lounge with my friend with the door open so I could see what was happening through the doorway occasionally.

The very interesting thing was, at the end she came out into the kitchen as I was in there washing the coffee pot up and she handed me my spare car key and the garage door fob. I said thank you. Then she handed me my appointment with the endocrine clinic and said that it was in her handbag. I said thank you again and asked her if she has taken everything that she wanted to take. She said that she couldn't fit anything else in the car and that she still had her dressing table, etc to get. In my mind she has had the opportunity to collect the things she felt were important and therefore I think it's reasonable for her to have the rest of her things when I have moved out from here.

But here's the thing: it was like she didn't want to walk away. She stood there not saying anything for ages, not sure if she was wanting to say something else, or if she was expecting me to say something to her. Eventually she just turned, went to leave. I waited for her and her sister to go, said "Take care" and closed the door. I really found it interesting that she loitered for a fair while though. not reading anything into this as she won't be coming back, either by her choice or mine.

It was horrible but I survived the ordeal. I'm rapidly going downhill at the moment now it's over, the panic is setting in fast, my dizziness has got much much worse and my neck is so painful (something I haven't had since my wife has left). So, I'm very emotionally beaten up right now and shaking like a good'n.

Anyway, I survived the ordeal without coming across pathetic, so that's good. But now I actually know that she has left me for somebody who is affluent. We have never had a lot of money as we were both in debt, so have never had the nice house, car & things. So instead of us working together to create them as I wanted to do by us starting a business together, she decided to just have an affair with somebody who has already got that stuff and has been obviously working her way into their life until she was in a position to move in. To me that is shallow.

[Traveler]

Yay! You made it through the ordeal. That’s a big milestone. Do something nice for yourself whether that’s a massage, a hot fudge Sunday, or a long walk, or a single drink at a restaurant. It gets better.

[97Hope]

But here's the thing: it was like she didn't want to walk away. She stood there not saying anything for ages, not sure if she was wanting to say something else, or if she was expecting me to say something to her. Eventually she just turned, went to leave. I waited for her and her sister to go, said "Take care" and closed the door. I really found it interesting that she loitered for a fair while though. not reading anything into this as she won't be coming back, either by her choice or mine.

This is detachment in action, even if you didn't feel it. My therapist says "Feelings follow actions", and I have found that to be true.

You DID it. Good job and keep it up. It's a horrible thing watching them pack up and leave (seemingly) without a care in the world. But you held your head up high and made it. Now take care of YOU.

[Thornton]

I’m a 3x LBS.

I can recall vividly each time she left and then came back to grab her things with her mother. Such a dreadful feeling of finality.

You’ve survived Smilie. Yes, it hurts like hell, but you just jumped another hurdle.

Now you can truly start to detach now and not have to look at her things in the house. It will sting for a while and then you will start to create a new routine and start to feel settled again.

Just the fact that you didn’t fall apart when she was there will leave a lasting impression on her. You’re not easily forgotten, and you displayed strength.

I truly believe that through adversity, we grow. And growth can be painful. Feel your pain and process it, and then rise from the ashes like a effin’ Phoenix!

Your life isn’t over, it’s just starting. And you will find strength that you never knew you had.

We’re pulling for you, Smilie. One day at a time.

[LH19]

Great job dude! Hypergamy at its finest. Karma is a real law of the universe like gravity. Chin up and keep moving forward. Big ups!

[smilie]

Yay! You made it through the ordeal. That’s a big milestone. Do something nice for yourself whether that’s a massage, a hot fudge Sunday, or a long walk, or a single drink at a restaurant. It gets better.

I did, but after she left I broke down and screamed at the frustration I felt. I can't think of what to do at the moment as I feel so dizzy a my vestibular symptoms are triggered by stress. She wanted to show me what she had got now, it hurt bad.

But here's the thing: it was like she didn't want to walk away. She stood there not saying anything for ages, not sure if she was wanting to say something else, or if she was expecting me to say something to her. Eventually she just turned, went to leave. I waited for her and her sister to go, said "Take care" and closed the door. I really found it interesting that she loitered for a fair while though. not reading anything into this as she won't be coming back, either by her choice or mine.

This is detachment in action, even if you didn't feel it. My therapist says "Feelings follow actions", and I have found that to be true.

How did you get this? On who's part was the detachment, mine? If so how, what are you seeing that I can't? I need to learn

You DID it. Good job and keep it up. It's a horrible thing watching them pack up and leave (seemingly) without a care in the world. But you held your head up high and made it. Now take care of YOU.

It is extremely awful, especially after 19 years. I don't know how I did it actually, just kept listening to my mate talk (thank god he's got the gift of the gab!) and got through one minute at a time. I've booked my remaining hypnotherapy sessions also, one for Monday. My mate said that now this event has passed, I can concentrate on the next steps. Why do I feel so bad?

I can't seem to decide a place in the country to be, so I thought I'd look for a house instead of a location near my friend. I have found a nice house to rent about £300gbp less than here in a nice looking area. Not sure about the town though, but I have to take a chance somewhere and shall enquire with the agent Monday and have an in-depth conversation before I go to look around the area. See if they've got anything else on their books so I can look around a few places. It's a 4 hour drive so that will be fun to look around - Feels strange looking to go it alone after so long.

[smilie]

I’m a 3x LBS.

I can recall vividly each time she left and then came back to grab her things with her mother. Such a dreadful feeling of finality.

Argh man, I feel for you. You must have had it real tough the last time. Sh!t man, I'm sorry

Now you can truly start to detach now and not have to look at her things in the house. It will sting for a while and then you will start to create a new routine and start to feel settled again.

She still has her other stuff here, but at least all of her clothes are now gone. I also put my wedding ring in her make-up bag, so she'll come across that at some stage when she's sorting through things. It was titanium and had our wedding date engraved in it - didn't want it anymore as our marriage meant nothing to her, seeing as she cheated under a year of being married.

Just the fact that you didn’t fall apart when she was there will leave a lasting impression on her. You’re not easily forgotten, and you displayed strength.

Huh! You can say I will leave a lasting impression on her! I have a very distinct personality, am spontaneous and can talk to anybody about anything. I always made her laugh, I joked around and we had so many little routines that I created - such as watching a certain live stream on a Thursday night and having an ice-cream - every Thursday without fail. I wouldn't let us eat dinner until the candle on the table was lit and every where we went out for dinner I done my best to ensure that there was a lit candle on the table - even if I took my own!!

I can't see though how not falling apart would leave a lasting impression? I would have thought she wouldn't think twice about it.

I truly believe that through adversity, we grow. And growth can be painful. Feel your pain and process it, and then rise from the ashes like a effin’ Phoenix!

Your life isn’t over, it’s just starting. And you will find strength that you never knew you had.

Well, I'm supposed to be a coach (don't feel like one at the moment), and you are spot on. We can only grow by breaking out of our comfort (or familiarity) zone. When we are comfortable we can't grow but when we meet new challenges, especially large ones, that's when we grow as we have to process things differently come up with solutions to issues and think in ways that we haven't thought in before, or for a very long time.

We’re pulling for you, Smilie. One day at a time.

Thank you - all of you here have certainly been part of my backbone. When I joined the forum I was hoping to be able to resolve this issue, but as time has gone on I have come to believe that it's beyond resolution. She has made her choice, she has broken me down twice and I can clearly see that our journey over the past 10 years since the last time, has probably been peppered with her affairs.

She gave the impression 3 years back that she wanted to try for a child - it didn't happen. It hasn't happened since with all the sex that we have had without protection in this time. This means that it likely she was taking birth control without my knowledge, either that or I'm completely seedless! This makes me feel physically sick.

"If you love somebody set them free". I said I would always love her and I meant that. Now that she is still trying to break me financially even though she's gone and I kept to my promise and am giving her a divorce, I'm not so sure that I can always love her, as she has made herself ugly in my eyes, in her deeds and actions over the last year by conning me out of all of my savings.