I don't believe infidelity has to be the death of my marriage, I believe we can get through this and have a very happy Marriage, and sometimes there aren't words to explain why that is, its simply my gut and my faith....my H is depressed and scared and yes he's being selfish right now, but our Marriage is bigger then this moment, thats what I believe.
Hold on to those beliefs. Others have been through similar or worse and those beliefs were the foundation.
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As for the boundaries and R talk, I don't know much. Honestly part of me just wants to know why he even wants the D
DBing says do not INITIATE the R talks. R talks are fine if he initiates. Your only job during these talks is to listen and validate. No judging. It is critical that you do not express your feelings or argue.
It is perfectly fine to deflect his questions during this time.
"I am not sure" "I need time to think about that" "I need more time to process what you have said" "I will let you know when I have decided"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for your advice and feedback. I cant tell you how comforting it is to me right now to get support and advice. As for the R talk my H has initaited it. He wants to have a talk and asked me to go to our anniversary resteraunt (as I call it) tonight. Now I'm all for just listening and validating, as for tonight I honestly am not sure what hes going to say, I feel it could go either way. My main concern is if he says he wants to talk to a lawyer together, do I just agree to it or is that a time when I need to express my feelings on it some?
Also I'm a little confused with your second reply. Are you saying you believe I should stay sleeping in bed with my H, even knowing he is at the very least talking to other women? (I dont believe he is sleeping with anyone right now and I am firm in that) he has expressed extreme guilt and being sorry over having physically cheated even if we were separated at the time.
As far as him interacting with other women, he has intentions. Every example I have seen, the wayward spouse minimizes the state of the interactions by at least one level:
I do not know that woman (I do know that woman but I am not going to tell you that) I think she works in my building. ( She does work in his building and he knows many more details about her) We stayed late and worked (Other things besides work occurred) We are just friends (They are more than just friends. There is sexual tension and attraction) We just kissed. (They had sex) We only had sex once. (They had crazy sex many times).
You get the idea. Anyway, best response to any of this nonsense is to call him out on it:
W:"Stop, I am not a fool. we both know that is not true. When you are ready to tell me the truth, I will listen." Then walk away.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
, as for tonight I honestly am not sure what hes going to say, I feel it could go either way. My main concern is if he says he wants to talk to a lawyer together
Be prepared for the worst. Then everything is easy to deal with. Then hope for the best. Go with the attitude that this is going to be great evening.
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do I just agree to it or is that a time when I need to express my feelings on it some?
deflect and defer.
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Are you saying you believe I should stay sleeping in bed with my H, even knowing he is at the very least talking to other women?
YES.
If you find out he is involved with another woman, then you can set a different boundary.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"Wow, you feel angry when I eat skittles because you believe I'm telling you you need to eat more." By actively listening, by validating their feelings, you are NOT agreeing. You are getting out of the harmful defensive, controlling, or waiting to plead our case mindsets. Walk away if turns abusive.
Originally Posted by Artemis
as for tonight I honestly am not sure what hes going to say, I feel it could go either way.
Don't put so much stock in his words. Remember, it's actions that matter? (:
Originally Posted by Artemis
My main concern is if he says he wants to talk to a lawyer together, do I just agree..
You said you don't want a divorce. "No, I'm not going to do that." If you might want one, "I need time to think about it." If he asks how long, "I'll let you know." Don't be bullied by high-pressure sales tactics, e.g., "We can do it this easy way (my lawyer) or the hard way (separate lawyers)." If he makes a truly generous offer, he won't be afraid of you spending 2-4 hours analyzing it with your own attorney.
I am actually wearing the dress I wore on our very first date, hes always told me how much he loved it, I'm even getting my makeup done professionally beforehand.
I'm trying to be prepared for if its bad but definitely going into it "as if" it'll be great
Validating I'm good at I work in mental health so that and listening I got down, and ive read the posts on it so thank you for that, and thank you for the advice on sleeping in the same bed.
Also woman he was going to hangout with as a friend I actually know and when he told her he wasnt interested in anything but a friend, nothing more, she cancelled so he deleted her number (he showed me the texts, on his own, I didnt ask or anything)
Thanks for the validation stuff, I have definitely looked into it and his actions are saying stuff way different then his words have been. In a positve way so far for the most part so thats what I'm trying to pay attention to.
And okay I will defer if that's what he says tonight, to the best of my ability. I'm trying to get in the right headspace for tonight. Trying not to be too anxious
I just want to reinforce what you're hearing from others, You have amazing advice on this thread. Read it over and over until it sinks in. Especially Wayfarer and AnotherStander.
I had a very hard time with boundaries too. People here pushed me on it a ton and I found it very difficult as well until I sloooooowly started to figure it out. (For me, the line between drawing a boundary to protect myself and stating a condition that was actually trying to control my H's behavior was a difficult one for me to parse.)
Accepting the truth of your situation is also incredibly hard, but so necessary. You won't get anywhere until you do. It is possible to both hold the truths of the value you have for your M, the love for your H, and your hope for the future ALONGSIDE the truth of-- that M is dead. You H wants a D. That's okay. It svcks and is horribly painful, but it is the truth and it is okay. You'll be okay. You don't need to let go of your own values, your hope, the love in your heart. You have to accept, though, that he doesn't want that right now, and nothing that you say or do will force him back towards you. The more you do along those lines, the further you'll push him away. You have to drop the rope and focus on yourself in order for there to be a chance of him coming back.
I agree with WF that you need to read more. DEFINITELY read her thread-- it is gold. Read up on the pursuer-distancer dynamic. Read up on boundaries. Get out and GAL-- that is one thing that will probably really help you to stop spinning and take the focus off of your H for awhile and get it back on you.
Regarding boundaries, one other thing I'll share with you from my own sitch was that I was adamant that if we Ded we would NOT BE FRIENDS. A friend doesn't lie to you, cheat on you, betray you, and leave your family. To me there is an enormous difference between a fight between friends and a cheating, lying H that wants out. If he goes-- don't let the door hit you on the way out. I said I'd be a cordial co-parent but we would never be friends again. Which was hard because like you I considered my H to be my best friend. (This is all still hurtful for me, btw, so know that even if you do recon you have to get through all these feelings and facts that the person who was supposed to be your rock stabbed you in the back.) But I say this because I know it had a major impact on my H. I believe to this day that if I'd said sure, of course we'll still be friends, I love you no matter what, he would have left. Him leaving was my bright line that I never ever wavered on, even as some of the other things I had always thought would be deal breakers turned out differently. You have to take a good hard look at yourself, your own values, and figure out where your boundaries are. They will be different for every person. Everyone here posting has a different line that cannot be crossed. What is that for you?
Finally, and this is a note from a post on your other thread... I strongly, strongly recommend NOT wearing the same dress you wore on your first date. You will show him from the second he sees you that you are trying really hard (maybe too hard) and that he doesn't need to do anything to keep you. Wear something else that you love-- I'm sure you have other outfits that are hot without having all that baggage tied to them. Or buy something new. Just don't tell him with your clothing that you are his for the taking. Be cool and noncommittal and take all the great advice on your other thread of how to act... just don't wear that dress.
Hang in there! You got this~ M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
