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I have to say, my divorce went well. My daughter is happy, smart, and thriving and she splits holidays. SHE loves splitting holidays. She gets to do them twice . Christmas is something she brags about to her friends. She does round one then round 2 and couldn’t be happier.

This stuff actually s@cks more for us than in does for the kids, relieve it or not

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I have to say, my divorce went well. My daughter is happy, smart, and thriving and she splits holidays. SHE loves splitting holidays. She gets to do them twice . Christmas is something she brags about to her friends. She does round one then round 2 and couldn’t be happier.

This stuff actually s@cks more for us than in does for the kids, relieve it or not


That is awesome! My wife's experience growing up was the exact opposite. To this day she hates the holidays because of the shuttling between family events and the stress it caused. Partly because her dad made it difficult on her. So it is a tribute to you and your ex that you have made this work well for your daughter.


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At a restaurant, you send a food item back to the kitchen to correct an issue, someone spits in it to "I'll show him". They are being passive-aggressive.

Waiter at the restaurant is not as attentive as you want. You leave a 5% tip to "I'll show him". You are being passive-aggressive.

"I'll show you" thought process is passive aggressive. Being direct about the issue is better.

My X would initiate court proceedings during hunting season. Intentional? Passive-aggressive? Really hard to prove.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I loved her as long as she stayed.
This goes down the passive-aggressive path.


There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Being in love with someone is a feeling.
Loving someone is a choice. It is much easier for us to unconditionally love our children. The forgiveness is easier. The emotional damage that infidelity and other issues around divorce takes a significant more amount of effort to work though. Working through all the emotions gets you to a healthy point. At some point, things in our past become "fact based" more than emotional triggers. When that happens, you know you have processed things and let them go. They are no longer controlling you.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by ScottB
I don't have good examples of divorce going well for a family. In my family there hasn't been a divorce among my aunt or uncles or grandparents. Nor in hers, so I don't have much of a model - and definitely not a model of a good situation.

On the plus side, then, you don't have any personal examples of it going badly?

Enter Ginger and I. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my XW. I'm a travel bug and she hates to travel or even hear about travel. She pretended otherwise while we were dating. We can still be friendly, good acquaintances, who listen and value each others' opinion and co-parent well. This can happen as soon as you both let go of hurt feelings over being rejected. Even before we were communicating, like Ginger, my kids loved having two holiday celebrations. There's nothing inherently negative about two sets of presents, two birthday cakes, etc. Note, there is only one party with friends, to make things easy on acquaintances.

As Ginger says, the angst is usually for us--e.g., the kids have a great Christmas eve and Christmas morning with you and are now off to their 2nd Christmas. There's probably a few hours where you're like.. finally.. a chance to rest. But when it's dinner time and you're all alone it can be a challenging evening for the single parent especially when that's new and you haven't made plans in advance.

Your kids still have 2 parents who love them. You just don't love each other that way anymore. You can still care about each other. Your interactions don't have to be awkward.



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Again, it took 5 years before my XW and I were doing any shared holidays!! Getting along won't happen overnight, but it's a great goal and alternative to staying bitter and awkward 5 years later.



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Sometimes I feel like its me, and maybe it is. I hang on to the comment someone made that I had fought so hard for so long that it makes sense getting over this is hard. The ebb and flow of it is hard. And the unpredictability.

I'm not sure why but the last week or so I've been waking up with the divorce on my mind. I've also been dreaming about different aspects of the marriage. I had a dream about the guy she had her affair with. I know I've had dreams about her. Its like my mind is working against me even when I sleep. The last week I've been waking up with the divorce on my mind and honestly I've been really struggling hard to get out of bed. Also, my work involves helping families plan there futures so basically I talk to people who seem happy, about all the things I had wanted in life with my ex.

I think the combination of everything has me overwhelmed. Divorce negotiations look like they are on the bring of falling apart which would send us into litigation. Work is as stressful as ever with some significant things happening. I've probably taken off too much work to spend time with the kids when I have them, and this month they are gone to camp for a week and then on vacation with the Ex for a week and I'm struggling with the fact I won't see them.

A couple of weeks ago CWarrior used the term "catastrophizing", and maybe that's what I'm doing. Money has gotten tight, time has gotten tight, I'm just struggling with it all. I have a very full week of work and I have mediation tomorrow, which always hits me hard. On last Thursday I had a tough talk with my attorney.

I'm overwhelmed - and just came here to let it out somewhere. I miss the life I was working on. And I know its gone and I know I've got to focus on the things I can control, but right now I'm struggling - that's all.

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Scott,

It's an overwhelming process and you are going to have to allow yourself to accept where you are in life. I catastrophized all the time, it was the worst thing that could ever happened to me on that day. All I could think about was it getting worst and how shitty my life was. I maxed out multiple credit cards, and spent up a lot of money trying to find the answer to fix my Marriage. Overtime, I start listening to positive Youtube Videos and Podcast. I started accepting where I was in life, allowed myself to be in a hard spot in life and did small things to my place everyday. Even if it was spark up a conversation with a stranger to make myself smile and make another person smile. One less second feeling sorry for myself, how I saw it. I also told myself, it will take time, I told myself that over and over again.

Originally Posted by ScottB
Sometimes I feel like its me, and maybe it is. I hang on to the comment someone made that I had fought so hard for so long that it makes sense getting over this is hard. The ebb and flow of it is hard. And the unpredictability.


And this here is the best thing. It is you. And, that is awesome, which mean, you are realizing that you and only control where you are at. You did fight hard and long. But we must take care of ourselves, so we have the energy to fight the next fight. Knowing when to retreat and regroup is just as important as knowing when to push through.


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S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
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Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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ScottB,

Sorry you're having such a hard time lately. I'm having an angry day myself. I had a long response typed up awhile ago regarding your thread but then computer crashed. I'll try to read back through and share my thoughts...

Originally Posted by ScottB
Sometimes I feel like its me, and maybe it is. I hang on to the comment someone made that I had fought so hard for so long that it makes sense getting over this is hard. The ebb and flow of it is hard. And the unpredictability

I vacillate between blaming myself for things I could've done better and other times "knowing" that despite my faults Ex-W is mainly to blame.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm not sure why but the last week or so I've been waking up with the divorce on my mind. I've also been dreaming about different aspects of the marriage. I had a dream about the guy she had her affair with. I know I've had dreams about her. Its like my mind is working against me even when I sleep. The last week I've been waking up with the divorce on my mind and honestly I've been really struggling hard to get out of bed. Also, my work involves helping families plan there futures so basically I talk to people who seem happy, about all the things I had wanted in life with my ex.

Sleep / dreams are tough. I had a long period where sleep when I could get it would be a relief but then as soon as I woke up the reality and depression would set in. I know it's a terrible situation; what you're going through is so difficult.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I think the combination of everything has me overwhelmed. Divorce negotiations look like they are on the bring of falling apart which would send us into litigation. Work is as stressful as ever with some significant things happening.

Hopefully these fears are the worst case. I'm no expert - mostly just through my own process - but I get the sense the negotiations end up coming around at the 11th hour as no one (judge, lawyers, or clients) actually want to go to trial. I hope you'll come to a resolution you can accept.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I've probably taken off too much work to spend time with the kids when I have them, and this month they are gone to camp for a week and then on vacation with the Ex for a week and I'm struggling with the fact I won't see them.

Great you take off time with the kids! They appreciate it, I'm sure. Try to schedule as much GAL as possible in advance of not having them so you have activities and friends lined up to keep you busy, happy, and your mind off things.

Originally Posted by ScottB
A couple of weeks ago CWarrior used the term "catastrophizing", and maybe that's what I'm doing. Money has gotten tight, time has gotten tight, I'm just struggling with it all. I have a very full week of work and I have mediation tomorrow, which always hits me hard. On last Thursday I had a tough talk with my attorney. I'm overwhelmed - and just came here to let it out somewhere. I miss the life I was working on. And I know its gone and I know I've got to focus on the things I can control, but right now I'm struggling - that's all.

Hang in there. It'll get better. If nothing else, you have a lot of strangers on here pulling for you.


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So I'm in a run of days where I only get the kids for 2 in 19 days because they went to camp and then my Ex put her family vacation right on the back end of it. At the moment I'm on day 7 and get them back this weekend for 2 days.

This has really stung me pretty good. I've tried to plan something everyday that I can but this is hard right now. I hadn't been meeting with my counselor because of money, but I penciled him in for Friday to have someone to talk to.

I just feel like this is harder for me than other people, though I know that's not true. The roller coaster of emotions is a hell of a thing. I know it will turn around soon, but gutting out these days is tough. And working through this is tough.

I wish there were an easier or better way but I guess its time that heals when its said and done. These are hard days at the moment.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
I just feel like this is harder for me than other people, though I know that's not true. The roller coaster of emotions is a hell of a thing. I know it will turn around soon, but gutting out these days is tough. And working through this is tough.


Sometimes, it IS harder for some people. Sometimes, it DOES take longer for some people to get to the other side. And that's okay. I've always been one that naturally handles the lows in life pretty well, but that oftentimes comes with a lack of empathy. That is something I've tried to work on since DB. You will get through this. You can become a better person for it.

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