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A Message from Michele
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smilie Offline OP
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This is a continuation thread for my previous one "WAW Walks Away a Second Time".

It's been 6 weeks today that my wife told me that she wasn't coming back and that she had feelings for another. 10 years ago she did the same thing, but promised that she wasn't OM in the picture, she promised during our 1st counseling session.

Now I see the same pattern as before and this time there is OM in the picture. I can clearly see now that 10 years prior an under a year of being married, she had indeed been having an affair - whether she admits it or not, her actions say otherwise.

The rest can be found in the following threads:

#1 - https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2920063
#2 - https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2920619&page=1

Thank you for everybody who has helped on this unforeseeable journey which I now face. It really is one of the biggest challenges of my entire life and one that I must now face at the ripe old age of 55. smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
You see though that people typically don’t change until they are forced to change usually after going through something really painful.

This happened for a reason. The reason just isn’t clear yet.

I have just been listening to a podcast episode about affairs and WW. It would appear that a significant change can trigger them to think differently and weigh up their lives. Of course, my wife is currently on track to becoming a Partner of the legal firm she is working for, so I'm now waaaaaay down the hypergamy scale.

As for Hypergamy.... she stated in her text message when she dumped me that "it really isn't someone I work with", which presupposes it is and pushes me in the direction of her Team Leader who she kept talking about. Going along with "Believe nothing they say....", also supports my thinking.

I also know that she has been trying to "push out" the current Partner who runs the office here. She has also done this underhandedly and over the course of 15 months by hinting at her meetings with her superiors how this person seems to be 'unable to cope' and how she's never in the office and therefore isn't taking responsibility for running it and that she is doing that and doing a really good job. We have had these discussions, so this is fact and supports the covert narcissistic behaviour I have discovered previously. Who knows.

I have read elsewhere that narcissistic people target others in order to better themselves. My wife even mentioned that it was "good for her Ego" that she was getting promotion and pushing the other woman out of her role.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Smilie,

You are still focusing on your WW !!! Focus on you.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Agreed, focusing on her, and back to your WAW as a narcissist who never loved you narrative. Imagining our ex's are villains is common. I get the appeal. You can pretend you never lost anything.

Originally Posted by LH
Your looking at her feelings as absolutes which is just not the case. I am sure she loved you at some point




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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
You are still focusing on your WW !!! Focus on you.

I know. Why can't I stop this thought track. It is so frustrating.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Agreed, focusing on her, and back to your WAW as a narcissist who never loved you narrative. Imagining our ex's are villains is common. I get the appeal. You can pretend you never lost anything.

I would like to point out here that I am really not imagining her as a villain. It's just that an awful lot of the behaviour traits point that way and I'm just trying to work out:

1) Whether she did really love me in the way that I thought she did for a lot of those years, or
2) If she was just pretending, just to keep me interested.

I'm not sure if you know how hard these two questions are hurting right now, badly deep. She had an affair before inside of a year of being married and wanted to set up home with OM but came back for whatever reason, months later. I didn't want to believe that she had an affair, so realising this now is hurting bad. Really bad.

For 10 years she has behaved in a way that convinced me that she loved me. She told me often enough. And now she had an affair yet again. So have these 10 years been fake? I don't know why we moved to be near her work if she had somebody else, that was the perfect time to move in with them if it was going on that long. But 16 short months later she's gone.

I'm being open here as best I can and it is really upsetting. These are the questions that plague my mind all the time and I know that I have to focus on me, which is what I am trying so hard to do. I just wish there was a book or a video that helped lead the way.

I know and appreciate that she stood by me through years of unemployment and that was due to a damn unfortunate illness and a bad employer and recession the previous time. She also held me back from earning an income over the past few years, in her own special way. Promising one thing and doing another, making me hang on for the right time. I knew I should have just done the things I wanted to do and it kills me having not done so. I stood by her for 7.5 years of her being seriously ill after a year of being together and she still has issues with that to this day. I didn't quit on us. I also didn't quit on us when she didn't show signs of wanting kids, something that she knew I wanted even before we got together.

I just wish she had spoken to me about stuff, but I think I was just there for her to 'be with' until somebody better came along, as she didn't want to be on her own. This takes me back to the 2 questions I was trying to answer. It's hard thinking that she saw me in this way and all our laughs and jokes right up to the day before she left, were just fake and pretend.

And for the record, for me at least, I have lost her in more than one way. I have lost the person I fell in love with and have been in love with all these years, without faltering. It's painful to think that it was all a lie.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Smilie,

At some point, she probably did love you - and respected you - and was attracted to you.

A lot of cheaters show Narsasistic or BPD traits - probably because they are selfish and broken.


But these questions ( and answers ) focus on her. - something that you have no control over.

Instead of books or videos, focus on moving forward - You are spending a lot of time posting on here - Can you not apply your time to getting a job. That would give you something postive to focus on.. I am making the assumption you are in the UK, due to some of the terms you have used - Loads of employees are now allowing staff to work from home - even if you got on some agencys books, its a good start - and positive.

I know its hard to stop the focus, when your world has crumbled.. But dwellings on would a, could a , should a will get you no where.. Focus on the stuff you are in control of - you !


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by smilie
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw


[quote=ovrrnbw]You should have hope. Always have hope. Hope for the best outcome and know in your heart that no matter how dire the situation, you will survive and be better for having gone through this.

Hope for the best outcome, I agree. But I was referring to hope that we would get one more chance to address our relationship, but that wouldn't be detaching, right?

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm guessing you haven't seen or heard from her in a while?

No, nada. Just over 3 weeks.


Yea, you can hope to have one more chance, just don't get attached to it. Don't expect it. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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S,

My H in the midst of his A told me: he never loved me, he only continued our relationship to the point of where we were because I forced him to, that our entire relationship was based on ultimatums from the get go, that was always his plan B, that I belittled him, that I went out of my way to make him feel stupid, that I was controlling, that I was insecure, that it was my fault he was driven to an A. He also said all kinds of things that would've opposed that also in the middle of the A. He has since officially recanted the things he said that he actually remembers, a huge chunk of the awful sh!t he said to me he doesn't even remember saying.

People in crisis whether is be a wayward spouse, MLC, milestone crisis, just done trying in the MR...whatever, are like caged animals. They will do anything, say anything, manipulate and behave in completely out of character ways to removed anything in the path between them and what they think will make them feel better. You are a person in that path. As personal as her behavior is to you, currently in this moment what she's doing isn't personal. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Which is why every one keeps saying stop focusing on her focus on you. She isn't focused on you so why are you wasting all this time and emotional energy on focusing on her?

She loved you. Your love and the good times weren't a lie. She isn't the magic manipulator that you'd like her to be. Your whole life wasn't a lie even if it feels like it. And it does. It really, really does. It feels that way for all of us. And WS/WAS work really really hard at convincing the LBS, themselves and any one who would listen that the love wasn't real and/or the LBS was the problem. But that doesn't make it true. Right now it's really hard to extrapolate the objective truth of the nature of your relationship, and the reality is you may never find a place where you can see your relationship in an objective place so you just need to focus on what your truth was in the relationship. That you loved her and for a time she loved you. The rest is all confetti.

We all wish they would've said something instead of blowing up our MR and lives. But this is a wish in one hand sh!t in the other situation. Hindsight is always 20/20, but since it's not the hand any of us were dealt we can only control things we can control. Namely ourselves. Just focus on you, and know you're in good company feeling the way you do right now. If you can stop spinning, get some sleep, get something in your stomach, and breath you'll get through this.

We also all feel that loss. Even those of us who made it to recon. The man I'm married to now is not the man I married. He's not the man who had the A. He's not the man I recon-ed with. People change and grow all the time. Sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. Sometimes it's worse then better. Sometimes it's worse then worse. I had to grieve MR 1.0. I had to grieve losing the man I thought I married. I had to grieve the future I thought we were going to have. I had to grieve who I thought I was. You lose a lot when something like this happens. All of it needs to be grieved. But your truth is your truth. You're life wasn't a lie simply because you're on an unexpected detour. It's ok if you're not ready to accept what's happening right now. You'll get to that in time. But if nothing else use that anger that's flaring up to refuse to let WW take what you know to be true away from you. You know there were good times and good things. You know you were good. Just hold on to your truth and focus on you.


Last edited by wayfarer; 07/06/21 05:23 PM.
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
People in crisis whether is be a wayward spouse, MLC, milestone crisis, just done trying in the MR...whatever, are like caged animals. They will do anything, say anything, manipulate and behave in completely out of character ways to removed anything in the path between them and what they think will make them feel better. You are a person in that path. As personal as her behavior is to you, currently in this moment what she's doing isn't personal. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Which is why every one keeps saying stop focusing on her focus on you. She isn't focused on you so why are you wasting all this time and emotional energy on focusing on her?

Good stuff Wayfarer!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
You are spending a lot of time posting on here - Can you not apply your time to getting a job. That would give you something postive to focus on.. I am making the assumption you are in the UK, due to some of the terms you have used - Loads of employees are now allowing staff to work from home - even if you got on some agencys books, its a good start - and positive.

Yep I'm in the UK and there would be nothing more than I would want but to bring in an income. I have wanted this for so long but because of this wretched condition (Vestibular Migraine & Pituitary Tumour) I wouldn't be a good employee as the neurological conditions are debilitating at times.

Sorry I didn't think I spent that much time. Just popping in and out really. Despite what it may look like, I can only spend 10 minutes or half hour at the computer before I need a break for an hour or so. Dizziness, eye issues and neck & back cramps are awful. Bearing in mind I used to spend all day every day infront of a screen. I feel like I'm making excuses but this is the condition that has ruined my career, my life and my marriage. Perhaps I should see if there's anything about that I could do and give it a try again.

Originally Posted by MrBrside
I know its hard to stop the focus, when your world has crumbled.. But dwellings on would a, could a , should a will get you no where.. Focus on the stuff you are in control of - you !

Yes I know. It's just the only focus I have right now is to find somewhere to live, it's driving me crazy and it's not exactly focusing on me. I have been working out. I've lost so much weight so quickly because of stress, even my skin is sagging - not attractive is it? It wasn't that I was overweight, I was only about 12 stone, then I dropped to 10.5 in 2 weeks due to this stress. I'll keep training. Hopefully eventually the muscle will fill out the lose skin. What a mess though.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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