Do not send that email. It will do far more bad than good!
Look man, I understand where you are. I’ve been there. My XW changed and became the complete opposite of who she was. She threw away her four kids, demanded I got full custody, ran away from the house and all responsibilities. And plenty of terrible heartbreaking other stuff. Oh, and yeah, she had an affair. She is still living with the guy.
Your email touch’s on lots and lots of points. Rational points even. However! Really listen here. However, your W is not rational right now. She is consumed by her irrational feelings! Everything I. Your email can be true (and rather is), and it won’t make a bit of different to her. I’m fact it will be use against you. She will twist it and turn it and create more justification for why she needs to leave you.
As for affair partners. I’m a pretty handsome guy as well. My XW’s OM is a slow witted large (like 300 lbs) man. And not too attractive. This is factual and not my jaded opinion. Affair partners are just a symptom. Something to use.
A person in crisis - they usually do not trade up. They find some poor sap who they can manipulate and control. The control I speak of is emotional control. The person in crisis is creating the emotions of the events that traumatized them. An abusive parent will be mirrored in their affair partner. They subconsciously are looking to tell off the authority figured of their past that traumatized them. To grow up. To heal. Of course, the way they are going about it is not very healthy. However, MLCers do not realize all this. To them, nothing is wrong with them. Ah, if only they would go to counseling.
Oh, a really big caution and advice. Do not tell W she is in crisis or crazy or wrong or whatever. Seriously! She will not take that very well.
As for your decision of not wanting her back.
Originally Posted by LeesChild
I'm not sure I want her back now and I do believe this could get to the moral person buried inside the monster.
First off you are only not sure you want her back. And that is being driven by your feelings. Do not make any life altering decisions based upon feelings! Feelings are fleeting. They will change, and therefore the very “reason” for whatever decision you made, changes too. Making choices and decisions based upon feelings always leads to regret. Just look at your wife and her choices and her reasons.
My XW had many reasons for leaving as well. Her’s we’re just as petty and really not worthy of throwing away a marriage. Mine was 27 year marriage and 31 years together. Some of the crazy justifications were the furnace vent blew cold air on her. My work truck burned too much gas and she was trying to save the planet (never mind I actually drive a Prius ). She’s been unhappy for 2, 5, 15 years (wow that’s quite a range). And so on and so on. Oh, they are so confused.
People in crisis or emotional turmoil are excellent manipulators. This is twofold. The first is the lies and deceit of the life she is living and all the misdirection and misinformation she tells. And it is bigger than just telling you - she actually tells herself. Talks herself into believing her lies! Think about that. That is how far gone these poor souls are.
The second round of lies are more insidious and deeper. These folks cannot be wrong. They cannot handle their emotions, guilt, pressure, and the pain of their past trauma(s). They must, absolutely must!, not be at fault. Consider that. Their psyche is so consumed and in such torment they lie and create a fantasy reality in which their spouse is usually the bad guy. And a person’s mind is incredible good at creating their reality. Heck, even us LBS do it.
Very few people write themselves as the villain in their life story. Your W is no exception. She cannot be the villain - so she cast you in that role. And that altered reality is completely real for her. You cannot talk her out of it, because she doesn’t even know she is doing it. The lie her mind tells itself is that insidious and hidden. It takes time and space to emerge.
MLCers will expect incredible energies to maintain their fantasy. They absolutely have to. If you fight directly against it, you will lose.
At some point you may truly decide you do not want her back. That’s ok. However, presently, this is not the time to make that decision. You are emotionally compromised. It’s rather obvious, yes? So do not make any decisions, especially rash ones.
I do understand your idea that such an email will snap her out of it. If she was who she was that would probably be true. Thing is, she currently ain’t the gal you remember. Trust me, I know how weird this is.
The bigger view regarding that email. If you are done with her, sending the email does nothing since you don’t want her back. If you might want her back, send it hurts your chances. In both cases, sending the email will only hurt her. Pushes her deeper into her torment. That email screams pressure and that will cause her to dive much deeper into her fantasy.
Do not try to manipulate her path. She must walk her path. And unfortunately you weren’t invited along on her painful journey. Any attempts at altering, will have undesirable effects. Nothing you do can speed up her journey. In fact, all it does is slows her down.
You have read about MLC. There is a triggering event or events that usually occur around 18-24 months before bomb drop. Events that are significant to the person. A marriage, a death. Things of that nature. Things that stir up those past ghosts and how fragile life is. My XW’s grandma die, then grandpa, then our second oldest son moved out for university. She actually blamed him. In front of him. My poor boy. He was pretty upset thinking he caused mom to go crazy and leave. These crisis people are hurting so much they will lash out and to anyone and everyone who stands in their way. They hurt anyone in a futile attempt to make themselves feel better. Those triggers unleash something that buried long ago and it comes back and will not be denied.
Realize: Hurt people, hurt people.
The best you can do is focus on you. Find detachment and emotionally let go. Otherwise you’re just going to get dragged along and that really hurts. I know about that too, by the way.
You do not need to move on, just move forward. In fact, moving on is not a great idea at this point in your journey. Move forward with your life. Focus on you. Heal you.
I will talk with you. Answer any questions you have. Pass on whatever I can. I support you Lees. You are the most important person in this equation. You and your life. Keep sight of that.
A whole and healed Lees does not need to send that email.
Find your way to that place my friend. I’ll walk with you if you like.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Okay I won't send that one. But maybe I'll send this one!
"Telling me and texting me that you need major mental health help while getting angry at me for expressing concern for your mental health state to our mutual friends sounds stupid to me
Telling the person you married that you were never really that attracted to him after 7 years together, 30% of your entire adult life, sounds stupid to me
Telling your friends I can’t [censored] or whatever, sounds stupid to me (suddenly now you are some sexual dynamo?)
Bringing up some strange looking dude from over a decade ago by name and comparing me unfavorably to him sounds stupid to me. (And crazy)
Looking the person you chose to marry in the eye and telling him that you will never think of him when he is gone but that you will day dream about some weird looking, bald, short term dating partner who rejected you over a decade ago is a retarded, baffling, utterly satanic thing to say to a spouse—and it sounds stupid to me.
Telling me, after all these years of writing "best [censored] time ever" on wine corks that you saved that you got [censored] better years ago sounds stupid to me
Telling me that every outburst of ass showing, crazed bitchiness from you over the years was my fault for making you miserable sounds stupid to me
Telling me that staying in this relationship any longer would make you suicidal, instead of looking inward, working on yourself before leaping to divorce, and acknowledging the effect of the pandemic sounds stupid to me.
Blaming your alcohol issues & every over-drinking incident on me & your dissatisfaction w our relationship when you’ve clearly & admittedly been over drinking for years & years prior to us ever dating, sounds stupid to me
all this stuff sounds stupid, shallow and crazy to me. That's how I FEEL. I can't guarantee that it is all accurate. It's just how I feeeeel.
It feels like all of this is coming from another human being.
I guess it is possible that I misread what type of person you were from the beginning, and projected onto you what I wanted you to be & you just faked for years. I can't rule crazy [censored] out. But the breadth of the evidence does indicate, to me, a mood disorder fueled midlife crisis. You are not the person that I knew
If that’s the case, then please get help.
If this is just the real, authentic you, then God help you and anyone who gets close to you.
The two hardest things for me are resentment and wholesale regret. Resentment at what you’ve done. Regret I ever met you. Hard to type. Hard to think. It's what I feel.
I don’t know that any of this is actually forgivable. It feels like some elaborate, vicious, long term prank.
Can’t help my feelings. They are my feelings.
Good luck with the weed and the wine and dating balding 5'11 hikers (your actual, physical type) this time around. Hope it works out."
Okay I won't send that one. But maybe I'll send this one!
"Telling me and texting me that you need major mental health help while getting angry at me for expressing concern for your mental health state to our mutual friends sounds stupid to me
Telling the person you married that you were never really that attracted to him after 7 years together, 30% of your entire adult life, sounds stupid to me
Telling your friends I can’t [censored] or whatever, sounds stupid to me (suddenly now you are some sexual dynamo?)
Bringing up some strange looking dude from over a decade ago by name and comparing me unfavorably to him sounds stupid to me. (And crazy)
Looking the person you chose to marry in the eye and telling him that you will never think of him when he is gone but that you will day dream about some weird looking, bald, short term dating partner who rejected you over a decade ago is a retarded, baffling, utterly satanic thing to say to a spouse—and it sounds stupid to me.
Telling me, after all these years of writing "best [censored] time ever" on wine corks that you saved that you got [censored] better years ago sounds stupid to me
Telling me that every outburst of ass showing, crazed bitchiness from you over the years was my fault for making you miserable sounds stupid to me
Telling me that staying in this relationship any longer would make you suicidal, instead of looking inward, working on yourself before leaping to divorce, and acknowledging the effect of the pandemic sounds stupid to me.
Blaming your alcohol issues & every over-drinking incident on me & your dissatisfaction w our relationship when you’ve clearly & admittedly been over drinking for years & years prior to us ever dating, sounds stupid to me
all this stuff sounds stupid, shallow and crazy to me. That's how I FEEL. I can't guarantee that it is all accurate. It's just how I feeeeel.
It feels like all of this is coming from another human being.
I guess it is possible that I misread what type of person you were from the beginning, and projected onto you what I wanted you to be & you just faked for years. I can't rule crazy [censored] out. But the breadth of the evidence does indicate, to me, a mood disorder fueled midlife crisis. You are not the person that I knew
If that’s the case, then please get help.
If this is just the real, authentic you, then God help you and anyone who gets close to you.
The two hardest things for me are resentment and wholesale regret. Resentment at what you’ve done. Regret I ever met you. Hard to type. Hard to think. It's what I feel.
I don’t know that any of this is actually forgivable. It feels like some elaborate, vicious, long term prank.
Can’t help my feelings. They are my feelings.
Good luck with the weed and the wine and dating balding 5'11 hikers (your actual, physical type) this time around. Hope it works out."
Actually reading this email makes you sound like a complete passive aggressive A-hole. If this is how you normally communicated with her I think you may have your smoking gun.
I know you are hurting but this email makes you look really bad. All about how you feel and anything she feels is stupid.
Actually reading this email makes you sound like a complete passive aggressive A-hole. If this is how you normally communicated with her I think you may have your smoking gun.
I know you are hurting but this email makes you look really bad. All about how you feel and anything she feels is stupid.
You have some work to do Lee.
When your wife, whom you have barely even ever raised your voice to, comes in one night, brings up some strange man from 12 years ago, physically savages you, and says she will continue to think of him and wonder about him but she won't even think of you at all once the divorce is over -- well, [censored] like that tends to make someone emotional.
Anyhow, there is a reason why I am getting this out and sharing it all here--these fake emails--rather than sending them to my (freshly, as of this morning) ex-wife.
Actually reading this email makes you sound like a complete passive aggressive A-hole. If this is how you normally communicated with her I think you may have your smoking gun.
I know you are hurting but this email makes you look really bad. All about how you feel and anything she feels is stupid.
You have some work to do Lee.
When your wife, whom you have barely even ever raised your voice to, comes in one night, brings up some strange man from 12 years ago, physically savages you, and says she will continue to think of him and wonder about him but she won't even think of you at all once the divorce is over -- well, [censored] like that tends to make someone emotional.
Anyhow, there is a reason why I am getting this out and sharing it all here--these fake emails--rather than sending them to my (freshly, as of this morning) ex-wife.
Lee again I know you are hurting and its ok to be emotional. When your alone find a safe place to cry, beat your pillow, scream or whatever it takes to process it.
You can do either one or two things from this experience. Learn from your mistakes and move on or do nothing and become angry and bitter. I can promise you the first option will breed better results in the future.
You will see in time that this was not all on her nor was it all on you. It was on the both of you. It looks like she is going down a really troublesome path. You do not have to do the same thing. You can grow from this if you choose.
By the way, I have been reading this board for 2 months as well as some other good sources prior that gave good advice-- the same sort of counter-initiative philosophy as here at DB.
Other than a few failures here and there, I have remained consistent, and loving. Validating her feelings, telling her I understand but disagree and letting her know, each time that I am here, waiting any time she wants to talk-- that I strongly prefer reconciliation.
This was after the bomb drop back in Feb when I spent an inordinate amount of time making the best case I could to work on my issues -- not even addressing hers since I felt the best philosophy is "I go first/I can only work on me" and that I would set a loving example.
I've also worked on myself physically. I went from mostly sedentary to working out EVERY day. I have lost 25 pounds, gained muscle and endurance and I look better than I have since I was 25 (I am 42). and that's for me and my health, not necessarily her although the side effect of looking better to her was possible.
But none of that mattered to her. And that is when she switched gears to, basically "You are ugly and boring and I never really liked you or was attracted to you and I even liked ______ better, so THERE" (which is the same way a 4th grade girl breaks up w her boyfriend, weirdly).
So, just for context here, I know I am new to posting, and I was taking a "Parable of the Prodigal Son" philosophy to all of this, trying real hard, giving enormous space (I NEVER tried to find out where she was etc.), communicated consistently, mostly didn't lose my cool. Doing MOST of the best practice DB type stuff. but it hasn't mattered.
So I think it's okay that I express some emotion here through some emails that I don't really plan to send but sorry if that offends some people's delicate sensibilities.
When your wife runs off with a conman, savages your sex life with tales of a bald dentist from 12 years ago, then calls the cops on you in an attempt to frame you, one TENDS to get a TAD bit emotional.
Writing letters you never intend to send can be a great way to express and expel the anger. It’s so important you burn that anger off so that you can get yourself strong and healthy no matter the outcome of your relationship with her.
What resonates with me is how frequently she is talking about being bored and needing the unexpected (to the point that she is self destructive). Based on the family molestation and incest I suspect she is a chaos kid. If you aren’t familiar with this, look into it. These are adults who feel most comfortable in the same chaos that was swirling around them as children. Calm, peaceful environments are actually unsettling to them because they are unfamiliar. They misread it as boring.
Until they face it, they will create chaos because it’s familiar and comfortable.
You are doing great. Keep feeling what you are feeling. You will get through this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
). She’s been unhappy for 2, 5, 15 years (wow that’s quite a range). And so on and so on. Oh, they are so confused.
