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smilie Offline OP
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OnlyBent: Yeah man! I hear you - focus on me. This is what I am doing my best to do. I have {am} trying to go through the acceptance that she isn't coming back and it would appear that this is the case anyway. The worst thing is is I now have to wait for my pension money to be released before I can go forward. I hate this waiting around and would rather be working towards finding a different place to live.

As far as counseling goes, I was actually referring to the talking stuff, not CBT, as traditional. Looks like you had experience of that one. Would rather somebody tell me straight about stuff rather than pussy-footing around, at least you know where you are and then you can deal with that.

Apparently I'm in line to receive CBT, but it looks like another 4 weeks at least before I hear about an appointment. I was thinking of having a few sessions with somebody prior, but wonder if it would be a waste of money just for a few weeks - something I haven't got a lot of at the moment.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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smilie Offline OP
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Now here's a strange one....

While we were together, my wife was a regular user of the Telegram app. Since she has gone it would appear that she is either no longer using the app on her laptop, or designated another number to the app. However, I rebuilt a mobile phone for her last year to use as a "work phone" while she was working from home during lockdown, so that clients could phone her. This phone is an android mobile phone, but I rebuilt it without Google software to eliminate tracking. I also put telegram on this phone so that she could use that on that number, rather than install telegram on her "live" everyday phone.

Anyway, I have noticed that although her telegram username is not used while she isn't at work, she still looks at Telegram on this phone on brief occasion when she is at work. So rather than take the phone home, she keeps it at work (probably so the OM doesn't know she has a second mobile).

Anyway, because of the brief time that she seems to "check" telegram, she isn't on it long enough to read anything. Therefore I was wondering whether she is checking to see if I have been active. I only use the app to check a couple of group updates during the day.

The strange thing is, this morning I noticed that she was "online" when I was checking my groups and within a very short while of me being "online", she went offline. That was suspicious, I thought. She has also "checked" again mid afternoon and again just now, and I am starting to wonder whether she is just checking this to keep an eye on what I may being doing and whether I'm active ... Either that or I am paranoid. It does seem rather strange though, that she has seemed to stop all of her usual telegram activity on various groups she used to keep up with and now nothing, apart from when she is at work with her "secret" phone. The checking seems to be getting more regular. First she just used to be online at the start of the day, then the start and the end and today she has been online at various intervals. So this is increasing in frequency as the days go by.

Has anybody experienced this type of thing or is it just me thinking that she's "keeping an eye" as it were? It's almost enough to make me paranoid.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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S,

I am not 100% sure about what you are talking about but you are definitely being paranoid.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
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“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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smilie Offline OP
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It looks like my thinking has gone strange then crazy I just need to stop thinking about all this stuff for a while, I'm sure it's driving me mad. It's the first day today that I haven't been so uncontrollably shaking, panicky and overly emotional, but now I'm just going crazy - great! Lol! smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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Nah you are fine. You are just wasting energy trying to piece things together. Better to spend time on self improvement.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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Originally Posted by smile
Either that or I am paranoid.

Smile, whether you are correct or incorrect in your assumptions, you are putting an unusual amount of effort into analyzing your ex's motives for logging on or off an app. This is harmful if your goal is to detach and focus on yourself to win her back or to move on. If you can't stop, I would "unfriend" her on that app. I assume there are other channels she could use to reach out to you if she has a chance of heart.

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smilie Offline OP
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Had some good news today. My pension money that I cashed in on one of my policies is on its way. Lost over 50% to tax though, but it gives me what I need to start looking at moving, so I can spend some energy on that. Feels awful though, preparing to say goodbye not only to my wife, but the entire area I have lived in and around for my entire life. I need a change.

I didn't think the funds would be available so quickly, so I will now spend the time looking as places in the country I can move to and try to find a landlord that will accept that I don't have an income, but can pay a fair few months up front. The money won't last too long though, as it really isn't a lot, but just enough to get me moved and started (I hope).

Last edited by smilie; 06/29/21 04:21 PM.

M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Joined: Jun 2021
Posts: 249
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Smile, whether you are correct or incorrect in your assumptions, you are putting an unusual amount of effort into analyzing your ex's motives for logging on or off an app.

Yeah, I know. This is the bloomin' emotional side of me and the one that keeps wondering - it's a nightmare!

Originally Posted by CWarrior
This is harmful if your goal is to detach and focus on yourself to win her back or to move on. If you can't stop, I would "unfriend" her on that app. I assume there are other channels she could use to reach out to you if she has a chance of heart.

I'm not friended or anything. I hardly use the thing only to keep updated on a local group I joined. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it and should forget about it and go on with my life. It sure is hard, but it's gotta be done I suppose. I know that I need to stop hoping. It's all part of that saying goodbye process - the hardest thing to do but something that must be done.

Cheers

Last edited by smilie; 06/29/21 04:28 PM.

M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by smile
I know that I need to stop hoping.

You can HOPE for a bonus at work or peace of earth or to win the lottery or for your wife to return to you without EXPECTING and counting on those events happening. Keep hope. Drop expectations. (:

Originally Posted by "Emily Dickinson, 1861"
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all

And sweetest in the Gale is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm

Ive heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest Sea
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smile
I know that I need to stop hoping.

You can HOPE for a bonus at work or peace of earth or to win the lottery or for your wife to return to you without EXPECTING and counting on those events happening. Keep hope. Drop expectations. (:

I haven't got any expectation of a return, truly I haven't. I've let that one go I think and I need to look at moving on, I'm just not sure how to best go about moving to a different location.

To be truthful I have been struggling so much these past couple of days. It's 5 weeks today since she told me that she wasn't coming back. I have spent the past week wondering if I still love her and today I got my answer - I do and I think I always will - but who am I in love with, the 'her' that was with me and who was my wife, or the 'her' that broke my heart? Am I holding on to the person that I married, when that person has gone? She's probably different now is many ways, but the glimpse of the person I saw just before she left and shortly afterwards, was not a good look and somebody that I didn't recognise. That for me is an image I will never forget. Her face looked like she was emotionless and possessed. It's crazy

Today has been one of the worst days for emotions and I bet it will be like this for a while. I feel so desperately sad and my world feels so lonely without her in it - and I sound like a pathetic bloke talking like this too! I know that both of these are an issue, as there should be other things and other people in my life, but there no longer is. I have been GAL as much as I can, been meeting up with a couple of regular people on a weekly basis and today I went down the pub to type some more of my journal (not sure if that's a good thing, but it gets my thoughts out rather than them eating me up inside). I got talking to a couple of people for a while, so that was good. I'm sure that people see me as strange though, unless I'm being extra self-conscious.

My daily work-outs have taken a back seat as these tablets the doctor put me on are making me feel so weird. I put a call out today and they are calling me tomorrow. I'm sure it's fine as they probably take a few weeks to even things out. As soon as my head starts feeling right, I shall pick those workouts straight back up again.

Originally Posted by "Emily Dickinson, 1861"
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all

And sweetest in the Gale is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm

Ive heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest Sea
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

What a great little poem! smile


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
---
When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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