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WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (3)

Originally Posted by CWarrior
BL42, personal preference, but the Surviving the Big D group are all focused on a future without their X. If you still hope to R and are trying to maximize those chances Id probably stay here. If youre only going to update every 3 months or so Id stay here where more people know you. Otherwise, join the dark side!. wink

Staying in "For Newcomers" for another thread. Not hoping for an R at this point - W has been living with OM2 for 9-10 months so even if she did a dramatic 180 and changed her mind don't think I stomach taking her back at this point - that said, the D is fresh so who knows what I may encounter in the next 6 months. I'll stick with the folks here who are most familiar with my sitch.

Summary:
My Ex & I were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S6/D2). 17 months ago we had a nice family vacation in Disney. Two weeks later she says we need a break and I find out within a day she's in a EA with a married co-worker and confirm PA not long after. I spend months pursuing, chasing, begging, snooping...etc., during IHS caring for the children as she has to "go into work early" and "stay late" and putting the kids to bed by myself, playing nice family, all while I know very well exactly what she's up to. Finally get her into marriage counseling where she complains about me in the 1st session, admits the affair in the 2nd, and says she wants a divorce in the 3rd. Affair w/OM1 blows up when his W and HR/administration at their work finds out.

Instead of coming back to the marriage and working things out she starts dating OM2, moves out and files for divorce. I had been reading other resources but find Divorce Busting last Summer and stop all pursuit, and limit engagement with her to kids and divorce process via email. Ex-W has been dating OM2 for roughly a year (before we separated) and living with him for 10 months (we've been divorced less than a month). He essentially moved in with my children the month after (or maybe same month) she moves out, which I hated for my kids sake, but consulted multiple attorneys who all say there's nothing I can do about it - the law and courts don't care. D is finalized last month. I win big on finances as she and her L aren't on the ball. I have 50/50 with the kids on paper, but in practice much much more.

I was severely depressed the first 6 months, started turning that around last Summer after IHS with an affair in my face ended and also when I could start hanging with friends again. Did IC initially, but stopped when my counselor kept saying I was doing everything right and wasn't sure how much more she could help. I improved over the next 6 months and am even better in the last 6 months as we approach a year and a half. I did have a breakdown or two when reviewing the divorce settlement and when it was finalized, and I'm having points of anger boil up at times which I need to continue processing and dealing with, but overall much better. I'm back on track at work, volunteered to coach S6's sports teams this year, joined an adult sports league, reading/watching tons of divorce and self-improvement books/videos, joined a religious-based D support group. Mostly dedicating my time to the kids, but also getting out for food & drinks, golf...etc. with friends on my very limited "off-time". I avoided dating completely while still married, which I'm proud of - think it was the right thing to do morally, and also best for my kids.

Reflecting on my Ex-W's past, there were warning signs I didn't appreciate. Both her parents were married 3 times, found out as a teen her mom was having an affair and divorced her dad and has issues around that, she was in IC and on ADs since she was a teen, has cut multiple very close friends and family out of her life, and always seems to be your "bestie"...until she's not.

Reflecting on my MR, there were warning signs of SSM not long into the marriage and perhaps even before which I should've taken more seriously . I had definitely built up some frustration and resentment over that. There were times I probably was too critical and times I could've been more empathic and caring. However, overall I was a pretty decent husband and an excellent father. I'm willing to accept my shortcomings and improve them, but honestly feel the divorce is much more to do about her than me.

So here I am...never wanted divorce or my family to break apart apart Ex-W choose that path and I've learned it's beyond my control. I'm doing much much better overall.

The only real update since my last post is Ex-W dropped off S6 & D2 to me - despite it being her time with the them - to go on vacation to the Caribbean (assuming w/OM2). She's done that a few times now. I feel bad for the kids they're not W's priority, but also happy for the time with them.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hope all the dads on the forum had a wonderful Father's Day. I did. Took S6 & D2 to the zoo, mini-golf, and swimming at the pool. Nothing fancy but we had fun.

Ex-W is out of the country on a tropical vacation with OM2. Dropped them off over her time with them, so I've had the kids longer than usual. I'm happy for the time, but unfortunately D2 cried quite a bit a few nights saying "miss mommy" and "why mommy go away" and S6 teared up once or twice as well. She did reach out once over the week to video chat with them, but when she hung up D2 started crying again, so that's been tough to deal with. I try to validate, console the kids, and provide them hugs and comfort.

Took the kids on a long weekend trip to visit my sister's family. S6 & D2 have a younger cousin they love. We've been "camping" in a tent we pitched in the backyard, campfire with smores, state park for hike and lake swimming, zoo tomorrow...etc. My B-I-L is amazing and even designed custom printed t-shirts for everyone. That's been a blast and we're making memories with my family.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL42, I had an S2 when I divorced. I feel you. It's a really difficult age to explain what's happening.

Originally Posted by BL42
My B-I-L is amazing and even designed custom printed t-shirts for everyone. That's been a blast and we're making memories with my family.

Sounds amazing, BL42! Glad you had that support and this moment with your kids. (:



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Originally Posted by BL42
So here I am...never wanted divorce or my family to break apart apart Ex-W choose that path and I've learned it's beyond my control. I'm doing much much better overall.


Awesome stuff BL, learning what is and isn't within your control is such a difficult thing and was one of my biggest 180s.

Originally Posted by BL42
The only real update since my last post is Ex-W dropped off S6 & D2 to me - despite it being her time with the them - to go on vacation to the Caribbean (assuming w/OM2). She's done that a few times now. I feel bad for the kids they're not W's priority, but also happy for the time with them.


How did you feel about this? Are you in the place where the vacay doesn't bother you because you're just cheering to have more time with the kids?


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
BL42, I had an S2 when I divorced. I feel you. It's a really difficult age to explain what's happening.

CWarrior - How old is your son now, and how is he doing with everything? Any advice on helping the kids work through it?

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
How did you feel about this? Are you in the place where the vacay doesn't bother you because you're just cheering to have more time with the kids?

OnlyBent - I think I'm being honest when I say the vacation didn't bother me from an ex-husband perspective, but rather much more from the perspective of a father. I'm ahead of the kids in that I knew what might be coming 6 months before they did, plus I'm an adult and understand it better, so I've processed the situation and my emotions a good bit (though I certainly have more work to do). However, it's difficult to be left behind to deal with their emotions around it. I comfort, hug, validate S6 and D2 as best I can, but my heart breaks a bit when they're crying because they miss mommy. It's a regular reminder of the situation. I am certainly glad I have more time to spend with them, but also have to deal with the fall out, and feel sad for the kids. I suppose it'll improve over time, but wish for their sake it didn't have to.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
CWarrior - How old is your son now, and how is he doing with everything? Any advice on helping the kids work through it?

He's doing great--all he knows is two parents, two homes, two sets of holidays. Kids forget nearly everything before 3-4 years old. He'll only "remember" if you keep a photo album around of early days.

Young kids have short memories. If you can distract them, they may forget about the other parent for awhile. Five years later you may still have trauma from it, but they won't remember what transpired.



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Reflecting on my own situation in light of the Netflix (Sex/Lives) an Inside to the mind of a WW thread...

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
One thing that struck out at me when the backstory of her and the ex-BF was playing out was her saying that the first night she was with him she had a "vision of who she could be" with him. This is a person that couldn't make herself happy, but relied on someone else.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by Ginger1
No, no, no. I think the bigger part of this series and I just began watching it is, not dating before you are over your ex!

She was in some crazy passionate relationship with this dude who broke her heart and met her husband a month later, never dealing with her crap. And he re entered the picture.

So the moral of the story is get healthy before dating

Bingo Ginger! This woman was always looking for someone to make her happy rather than happiness from within herself.

This is actually one of my major take-aways from this board and other resources over the last year and a half, and I now have a much better understanding of the concept. Happiness has to come from within; other people can not be responsible for our happiness. Just like a shiny new thing, the validation and excitement a new relationship brings fades after awhile and you revert back to your previous level of happiness if you don't address yourself internally.

Reflecting back on my past I have been guilty at times when I was single of missing being in a relationship / having a significant other and therefore focusing more on pursuing new woman / relationships as opposed to focusing on working on myself and pursing my own interests, which would then attract others and compliment my life instead of supplanting it. Now, after a year + of my sitch I'm understanding much better than I do enjoy life (mostly spending time with the kids, but also my career, friends, sports...etc.) on my own.

As time passes since BD (talking at least 6 months to a year in) I started to revert back to my fairly confident, happy, content person whereas I'm now recognizing my Ex-W had significant self-esteem issues / un-happiness with herself stemming all the way back from her teenage years related to the fall out of her mom having an affair / divorcing her dad. She was in therapy and on ADs dating back two decades. I greatly underestimated its significance and impact on our relationship. Ex-W told me not long after BD she "was at a 0" and "needed to be alone and work on herself". She was absolutely right about that (though I believe she misdirected that anger/unhappiness at me), but instead of working on herself she was pursuing the affair w/OM1 and quickly jumped over to OM2 when OM1 didn't work out, instead trying to band-aid on her unhappiness. Ironically, I'm the one who avoided dating / relationships to focus on myself (and the kids of course) pursing IC, support groups forums, self-reflection and self-improvement...etc.

Looking back all the way to when we met Ex-W had just moved out from living with her boyfriend of many years when we met, yet within the first months quickly broached topics with me such as love, meeting the families, moving in together...so maybe I was her band-aid from the start after all.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
CWarrior - How old is your son now, and how is he doing with everything? Any advice on helping the kids work through it?

He's doing great--all he knows is two parents, two homes, two sets of holidays. Kids forget nearly everything before 3-4 years old. He'll only "remember" if you keep a photo album around of early days.

Young kids have short memories. If you can distract them, they may forget about the other parent for awhile. Five years later you may still have trauma from it, but they won't remember what transpired.


I can second this. My daughters were a little older (8 and 12) at the time of the divorce. They are doing well. I'm sure there are some things brewing under the surface, but kids are resilient. If both parties are amicable to each other and focused on the kids (which both my XW and I are when we have them), I think the kids will be fine. They are used to their new normal.

Last edited by harvey; 06/30/21 06:21 PM.
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Originally Posted by harvey
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
CWarrior - How old is your son now, and how is he doing with everything? Any advice on helping the kids work through it?

He's doing great--all he knows is two parents, two homes, two sets of holidays. Kids forget nearly everything before 3-4 years old. He'll only "remember" if you keep a photo album around of early days.

Young kids have short memories. If you can distract them, they may forget about the other parent for awhile. Five years later you may still have trauma from it, but they won't remember what transpired.


I can second this. My daughters were a little older (8 and 12) at the time of the divorce. They are doing well. I'm sure there are some things brewing under the surface, but kids are resilient. If both parties are amicable to each other and focused on the kids (which both my XW and I are when we have them), I think the kids will be fine. They are used to their new normal.

While MWD addresses the kids are resilient thing I don't disagree with her, if parents are putting the kids first it should be mostly fine. I compare it to a kid falling down - if the parents reacts negatively the kid starts bawling. If the parent is stoic, the kid goes back to playing.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

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Ill be honest kids being ok or not ok is just a matter of opinion, not all kids are resilient and some will be affected more than others, regardless of how much positive focus you put on them through this difficult time. Of course my kids are ok for most part, but the fact that they are from a broken family affects them particularly as everyone we know has mum and dad together. Its during those quiet times right before bed time, when the emotions often come out. S5 wants us to be a family, H collected the kids today unplanned, and had to return because S5 changed his mind and was really upset and wanted me. S7 often talks about the fact that he will wait for a long time to see if H comes home to us. Of course my kids are happy, they play with friends, have fun at school, have playdates, but ultimately they remember how it was for us as a family and want that back.

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