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I know this goes against DB protocol, but I think I might send this as an email. I'm not sure I want her back now and I do believe this could get to the moral person buried inside the monster.




"If someone wanted to make it look like they were having an affair even if they weren't actually involved in one, they would behave EXACTLY as you have the past few months.

Roy is a skank. A clown. A cheap con. A Compulsive liar. The other women he fooled were young and naïve. They had no frame of reference for who he is, so they were just trusting victims. Innocents.

You know exactly who he is. So if you got involved with him, that would make you among the biggest imbeciles I've ever met.

So, there's no way. There's just no way. Any person who would leave their husband, go hang out with a man in Arizona, get too drunk, bang him like a skank, and then bring that man back to her & her husband's home & attempt to get their husband to go to sleep so they could spend more time with him -- they'd be among the biggest pieces of [censored] anyone has ever heard of.

And that's not you, so no way is this going on.

It'd be one thing if you were involved with someone truly handsome, tall, charismatic, a real life go-getter. That would likely sting. But Roy? He's a gutter skank who lies to women & drains their bank accounts. He's one of those weird people with no feelings or heart, or remorse. In no way would I be jealous of Roy. I'd be really embarrassed though and it would be indicative of your absolutely disastrous mental health state.

So there's no way you'd ever be involved with him. That's an utterly ridiculous notion.

I mean you wanted a quick, easy divorce so if this were happening, you would just tell me anyway, right? It'd make me an eager divorce partner. But wait-- maybe that truth is too damaging to reveal-- what it'd do to your life. The shake out. How it would turn you into a small, stupid nothing. How it would take a decade or so to recover from. It'd ruin you.

I mean you'd look like the biggest ***** clown imaginable. You'd lose half of your friends and you'd completely lose the respect of the other half. Hell, you might be forced to move somewhere like Colorado and start over.

You'd also be so compromised morally. You'd have to convince yourself of these lies about your husband. You'd likely have to rewrite the history of the entire relationship and make yourself believe it in order to keep your fragile psyche from breaking apart over this. It'd have to be systematic.

You would probably start off apologetic about the divorce, but then try to cast an equal part of blame off on him, and then over time you could slowly build a case -- lame. Flimsy. But a case nonetheless that he is a bad guy. Try some push-away tactics. Say utterly despicable things about him and see how he reacts.

Then cast his very typical, understandable husbandly behaviour during all of this as "bad". Frame it in the most convincing ways you can to your friends.

You can't live with this guilt but your husband keeps reminding you of what you have done with his pesky questions. And what you've done is horrific. Vile, Satanic. And most of all -- embarrassing & utterly life destroying. You know that so you'd have to go ALL IN.

But how could this be that bad when you are ACTUALLY a "good" person? No no it MUST be him. Double down. "He got into that car (as any husband would). He's telling our friends I am crazy and a drunk. I mean I am a drunk with a severe mood disorder, I admit as much, and I've texted Lee over and over about how I need help but [censored] it. Bury that. It feels like it makes sense so I'll make it all make sense to me."

You'd know your affair clown is not a viable future partner so maybe you would have some plan. A plan to get rid of the husband, eventually dump the clown, and move on like you never did anything wrong.

Or, who knows, maybe you've lost yourself so fully, that you plan on staying with him and being his next victim. I mean, he does HIKE after all-- and if you don't have a plan I can guarantee you he does. He will get your money. Maybe you'll get impregnated with this idiot scammer's child. Who knows? So you'd better have a plan because he definitely has a plan.

Anyone would be able to see this train wreck coming except for you.

So there's no way this is happening. My wife is a smart person. A moral person.

This scenario can't possibly be true, so it's so weird that it all looks to be exactly that. Isn't life funny?"

laugh

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DO. NOT. SEND. THIS.

You can't get through to them this way. Drop the rope. Live your best life. If she comes back it will be because she sees you as independent and strong and interesting, not as clinging or accusatory. (Although I'm still not sure why you want her back.)

It doesn't sound like anything you did was marriage breaking. Normal people not having an affair go to marriage counseling to iron out stuff like this.

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And as much as you may want to warn her about the sleazy friend, she's not gonna hear you right now.

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Originally Posted by kml
DO. NOT. SEND. THIS.

You can't get through to them this way. Drop the rope. Live your best life. If she comes back it will be because she sees you as independent and strong and interesting, not as clinging or accusatory. (Although I'm still not sure why you want her back.)

It doesn't sound like anything you did was marriage breaking. Normal people not having an affair go to marriage counseling to iron out stuff like this.


Yeah that's just it. If she is having an affair, I do not want her back. If she is having just MLC and the Roy stuff is circumstantial and non romantic/sexual then I would be interested in reconciling but from what I understand MLC lasts a long time and I don't have years to wait.

Although given her comments about "I started feeling this way 2 years ago" perhaps she could possibly be deeper into it now. Who knows? MLC is a real thing but it is not a technical diagnosis (although the depression that drives it is) so not much research on this -- we just have shared case studies-- which can be helpful.

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Btw - as an aside - I noticed she traveled in the middle of the pandemic. I know a lot of marriages have broken up over differences in politics and basic understanding of science/conspiracy theories during this pandemic. Do you think there were any issues here? Has she been sucked into QAnon or some such?

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DO NOT SEND THAT EMAIL!!!!!!


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by kml
Btw - as an aside - I noticed she traveled in the middle of the pandemic. I know a lot of marriages have broken up over differences in politics and basic understanding of science/conspiracy theories during this pandemic. Do you think there were any issues here? Has she been sucked into QAnon or some such?


No. The traveling happened in Feb. so it was at the end and it was to a place in the mountains.

Also we both had COVID in Dec. follow mask protocols, etc. But that stuff is no problem. We are both slightly left leaning moderates for what that's worth.

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Still get vaccinated if you haven't already. Studies now show that previous Covid infection isn't very good protection against the Delta variant but Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are.

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Also February was definitely not the end of the pandemic.

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Originally Posted by kml
Still get vaccinated if you haven't already. Studies now show that previous Covid infection isn't very good protection against the Delta variant but Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are.



I got vaccinated in April, not sure if she did. She's stayed away from the home 90+% of the time through this since Feb.


She took her nephew on a graduation trip a couple weeks ago, and asked if I could remain away Sunday & Monday so they could spend time together, and of course I said I would.

Tuesday I came to the house at lunch, and noticed she was not working that day at her desk, and she was in "Street clothes", so I surmised that she took some extra vacation time after the trip. She won't usually speak to me so I have to deduce things. I decided to give her the rest of the week alone at the house. So I stayed at Mom's.

The MDA agreement we signed said we would cohabitate through this. I have been trying to come up with a way to open in-person dialogue when we are both home together, which is the only way I feel any progress can be made.

She wants to come home from her frequent hiatuses and have me stay away for weeks at a time. She wants to call all the shots. I told her I would work with her here and there but I am not staying away for weeks from our home. At this point I have been abandoned, emotionally abused, and now she wants to tell me where to live and stay, even disregarding the MDA agreement her lawyer typed up.

I came home Friday night, and went to bed in the guest bedroom where I've been sleeping through this. She texted me something to the effect of "how long is it going to take for you to move out".

I thought 'Gosh. This is so silly. I have spent every day for 7 years with this person and now she is texting me from another room in our small house?"

So I decided to go to her bedroom door, and I opened it and said "Let's talk".

All hell broke loose. She was screaming and pushing me. I put my hands to my side robotically & said "I am not touching you. I am not touching you", and just kept backing up. She slammed the door and the smoke alarm fell down from the ceiling. She threatened to call the police & I said that's fine by me. I hadn't done anything.

The most heart breaking thing was seeing her attempt to concoct a story that I pushed her and that I threw something at her. I could see the moral confliction on her face as she tried to rationalize it. She called the police, they showed up, and I told them exactly what happened.

She was made to leave the house.
.
So at this point she's left me to hang out with a con man, tried to savage me and our physically life (despite clear evidence to the contrary) by bringing up some bald dentist from 12 years ago, and finally, she's called the cops on me.

Formally, this was a rational, loving person. She had a bit of a drinking problem and could get low in mood, but she was loving and normal otherwise.

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