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LeeChild,

Just read through your thread...

You still have a lot of anger and resentment built up around your ExW. That is completely understandable. Trust me, I get it. She broke her vows. She betrayed you. She lied to you. She rejected you for another man whom you know is of low integrity. You're hurt. You want her to be hurt for all the pain she's causing you. You want her friends and family to know the truth about her bad actions. Trust me, I get it.

The thing is...none of that anger or revenge is going to help you heal and move forward. Processing it, letting go of it, and focusing on your life going forward is the best way to feel better. Easier said than done. I certainly still struggle with emotions such as anger and thoughts of revenge and karma myself. Trust me, I get it!

Still...anything you can do to process that anger and redirect your focus from her to you if going to pay dividends in the future.

You mentioned regular IC. Hope you're continuing with it!

You mentioned losing 25lbs and hitting the gym regularly. Hope you're continuing with it!

One area I don't see anything about is your GAL/social life. Are you going out with friends and meeting new ones? Are you starting new hobbies, playing sports, enrolling in classes? What are you doing to get out and about and enjoy life? Maybe a guys trip to some cool city you've never visited?

Hang in there...everyone here understands what it's like, even if the situations differ a bit. We're all rooting for you. You will get through it.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jan 2018
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Hello LC

Originally Posted by LeeChild
*I did not mean to leave her name in the post, but I am unable to edit so if mods could please help!

I reported this for you.

There is a notification icon to the right side of the time on each post’s title bar. It is the shape of a flag. Press that icon on the post you’d like to report to a moderator and a new window will open where you can type your message. Be it to report improper content or just a mechanism to notify a moderator of something relating to that particular post.

Hope that helps.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Joined: Jan 2018
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Hello LC

Originally Posted by LeeChild
Should I have just left well enough alone? Maybe.

Probably yes.

It is no surprise that her family did not know the real story. Did not know the sordid details. She spun her narrative very convincingly. Remember, she has to. She is driven to. And she has to convince herself most of all.

I get how knowing the real events, as you saw them, and watching her life just going along with friends and family all blissfully unaware of what transpired, is really aggravating.

Originally Posted by LeeChild
She made an enemy of me when she violated me in our home, bringing this skank sociopath into our marital space while I was there, so I'm really not concerned with her wishes especially since I am doing nothing but telling the truth.

I hear you man. Totally get it.

Let it loose. Here! Right here! Vent away!

Originally Posted by LeeChild
I spent months treating her with nothing but respect, validating her feelings, attempting to get to the bottom of the issues and she did nothing but lie to me and everyone.

Yep. She did.

You were/are the big and better person.

Originally Posted by LeeChild
She gets to cheat and lie. That is her right. I get to tell people what happened, that is my right.

Well, not really.

Quote
I get to tell people what happened, that is my right choice.

It’s more a choice. And, I know you can choose better rather than bitter.

Like kml stated, blood vs water. This is her family. There are going to choose her. They are going to accept her. Sorry man, it hurts. I know.

Now it is quite likely that her family knows more than they are letting on. I mean really, do you think they’d want to wave around that particular dirty laundry? It’s pretty amazing what folks will ignore and pretend all is fine.

Anyhow, you’ve ensured they now know. If they choose to ignore or not follow up or not ask questions - so be it. Let it go.

I’m sure I’ve told you before, I will provide suggestion and advice to the best of my abilities and it will always be for you. Letting go, is for you.

Originally Posted by LeeChild
It's amazing how a person can keep everything from EVERYBODY.

It only seems like everybody. Believe me, folks know. Have faith, truth will alway win out.

Originally Posted by LeeChild
It's lonely being the only person who knows the truth.

If you consider your support network I’m sure you’ll find people who know the facts.


I empathize and understand. Christmas was more difficult than anticipated. And that probably stirred up your hurt, anger, sorrow, sad, etc. more than usual.

The path to acceptance has many twists and turns. And lots to learn to let go of.

Anger is one of the stages of grief. It’s perfectly normal to be angry. To feel angry.

Find ways to let that go. To work though those feelings. And in a healthy safe way. Not lashing out to her or her family or friends or a like. As BL was mentioning, process that anger and take the focus off her and her shenanigans.

Sweat it out. Run. Jog. Go to the gym. Dig the garden. Shovel snow. (Not sure your climate, probably got snow right now. smile ) Work that anger right out of you. Drain it with each drop of sweat.

Physical action influences thoughts and emotions and beliefs. And performing some physical activity - by the way it doesn’t have to be so extreme, just going for a walk is good too - uncouples the feeling from its triggering event.

If you feel sad or hurt or angry from say a certain thing. Even if you don’t quite realize what that thing is, is ok. When you start to feel that way, go do something more fun and take your focus off your feelings. Trust this, your subconscious will still be processing away. And by the way, it is your subconscious that needed to figure this out, and that happens best when your conscious mind is calm and not reinforcing certain ideas and feelings. As in, your focus is elsewhere.

A certain phrase is most true, answer will best reveal themselves when you are calm and still and at peace.

Originally Posted by LeeChild
This is a person who was very well respected and honest-- it took me a long time to understand that I was dealing with a different person and had I not told her family, it would have likely taken them years.

It pretty incredible, the fragility of the mind. Isn’t it?

My XW was also a much respected and honest women. She tossed aside her four children, moved in with her OM, destroyed our 26 year marriage, all on Thanksgiving right after the meal. It’s was literally 3 hours from happy to h3ll.

The MLCer is a different person. And most folks have zero experience with mid life crisis. I never had any experience or knowledge of it. All I had was the Hollywood version. Guy feels old, gets young gal, gets red sports car. The ugly truth is so much more horrible and insidious. The torment and pain these lost souls endure, I’d not wish that upon anyone! Just imagine what pain it would take to do what they do. To run so.

You realize the depth of her suffering. Her mental anguish, torment, and just how far the cheese has slipped off the cracker. It took you a long time to see and accept. It’s going to take her family a long time. Longer actually. Aside from herself, you knew her best. It was most difficult for her to hide from you.

And, her family and friends were not as hurt as you. Her actions didn’t try to destroy them. You were her target. They do not know MLC. Most people do not. Heck, even those LBS who have been around such lost spouses even question MLC. It is simply that incredibly unbelievable - right until it isn’t.

Stay strong. You’re doing fine.

Focus back on to you, and keep moving forward.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Hi Lee,

I'm sorry that you are hurting and having so much emotion over this. I used to believe that I was just an emotional person reacting to external stimuli and that I had no control over those emotions. I have come to learn that my emotions are only biological responses to my own thoughts. Which means I am the one who kept myself in hurt, anger, frustration, anxiety, etc. I have learned lots of ways to retrain my brain not to go down those cheeseless tunnels and no longer live with my amygdala on fire from all the fight or flight response going on. Let me tell you, it is very peaceful compared to what I felt before.

Has someone ever tried to talk you out of your feelings? Did it work? Probably not. That's the thing about cognitive dissonance, you are very likely only proving to her (and likely her family) how justified she was in her actions. We don't persuade people through these sorts of titillating details, we only show them that we are the kind of people who speak them. And, as KML said, the majority of these folks have families that go right along with them, even when they know all about the affair, even when they abandon kids, and do worse things. Knowing is likely not going to change how they feel about her, but it may change how they feel about you. Does it affect you in some way if the family believes her story? I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect that the families probably believe this stuff initially, but then begin to see all the little pieces that just don't add up.

Having these statements and emotions be reported back to her likely makes her feel good (who doesn't like to think of themselves as so wonderful that people just can't let go). It shows her that you are not detached. That you are not moving on with your life. Is that what you want her to believe? Do you want to be the guy who is out there telling everyone her business (and yours by extension)? Forget about her. Who do you want to be? While we all hurt and can make poor decisions from that hurt (and I sure made my share), what matters to me now is how I see myself. The choice is obviously yours and you can do what you believe you need to. But often writing a nice letter and then burning it is equally satisfying and allows you to preserve your dignity and not have regret down the line when you gain more control over your emotions.

Oft repeated, but worth revisiting, forgiveness is for you, not for her. It is not the same thing as accepting what she did or validating it. It simply means giving her a notice to vacate from your head. It allows all those thoughts and emotions to be put to rest. It allows you to focus your time and attention on the person who matters the most--YOU.

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