WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[SteveLW]

Steve, he's in a national health care system. And given his issues he can't out of pocket for a private practitioner. He's on a list but still has a few more weeks to go. He's trying, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him that the time line they gave him is true. I had to reach out to my EAP and then out of pocket for my IC. I was put on a waiting list in 2 health care systems for somebody in my network and both told me 8-12 weeks. So his time line isn't too bad in comparison. I was then told at the 8 at week mark that it would like be another 8 weeks but they we're kind enough to refer me to the online CBT and a hotline if I "felt like I was in a mental health crisis." I think hunkering down on self care and being here for support is about there is to offer right now.

Ah ok. That is crazy. Someone in crisis shouldn't have to wait weeks...............

[wayfarer]

Ah ok. That is crazy. Someone in crisis shouldn't have to wait weeks...............

Well according to our American health care system a mental health crisis is defined by a person who is a danger to themselves or others, and that's it. And even in that case in my community 51/50'd patients (those deemed a danger to them selves or others by a first responder and involuntarily hospitalized) are treated and streeted as soon as possible. Most stay only the 72 hours the law requires. If you aren't a danger or have money to pay out of pocket you're pretty much on your own.

[smilie]

Hi JoeJoe,

Thank you for your input, I get it, totally and have thought about this while we were together and even held conversation with her on these points.

One thing that I will say, is that I took the time each and every day to listen to her day - always have since we have been together. She comes home and I make a cup of tea and we sit and chat. She knows that she can talk to me about anything, but chooses not to. She did come home from work not so long ago and mention that she felt she had to keep up the atmosphere at work by being happy and smilie, as everyone was always negative and down. She told me that it made her feel fed up, but it was always her attempting to cheer the place up.

She didn't need to cheer me up or listen to how bad my day was, as I wasn't downbeat. Of course, there were times when I felt extra rough and would mention it, it's only natural. But I know she was feeling pressure at work where she felt that she needed to keep everybody cheery and upbeat.

She also mentioned that how her ego had had a boost, as she was attempting to take over the running of the office here as the Partner who was running it was useless. So she felt extra powerful and extra important being given the impression by her line manager (and the person who I think she maybe having the relationship with if it is somebody from work), that she will be running the office.

Everything else you say is correct and I recognise.

It's isn't unrealistic though as we have had the conversations around these points and having a go at generating income streams and she had given the impression that she is fully onboard with the ideas, so I do the work but she never mentions it again until I raise the subject. I have never understood why she would give the impression that she is onboard and then isn't - even when she wanted to create a separate sidelines business for her, I got all that going, she purchased the domains she wanted, I did the website and then when it was just about to be finished, she didn't want to do the content (which only she could do) and instead kept putting it off rather than just say "I've changed my mind". What a waste of time and money (I didn't say that of course, I just told her to say if she didn't want to do it and she said that she did want to - obviously by her actions, she didn't).

Also, she was ill for 7.5 years early on in our relationship. That was stressful. I was worried she was dead at night in bed and used to poke her until she moved. Specialist visits, drug side-effects, scans, biopsies, nearly did once of a biopsy, pregnancy termination. I didn't bail, or faulter, or look at another woman, or look for relief somewhere else, or want a different life - and that was before we were married and only after 1 year of being together.

I'm not making excuses, just saying that the boot has been firmly on the other foot.

As far as marriage vows are concerned, I agree with how things have changed. However, I am old-fashioned in the way that I take my promises seriously, no matter how life changes. If I have an issue I shall bring it up. If I want out, I shall raise the conversation. I wouldn't go all out to plan and exit and lie, deceive and cheat in such a way that leaves the other person an emotional wreck and financially destitute. But, that's just me - I have a conscience, and that is what I find hard to fathom. :-)

She has had the space to discuss her feelings and issues, I am an approachable guy, she just chose not to, so she trapped herself when she didn't have to.

As far as screens are concerned, once again it has little to do with my eyes. Yes they get tired, but only as a result of wearing glasses which set off dizziness. When dizziness increases, eyes become more tired. So it's nothing to do with the screen and everything to do with how the bend of the lenses in the glasses slightly distorts the image, that sets off my neurology. Complicated stuff, but it's visually stimulated.

Yeah, I shall keep doing the work, wherever that brings me :-)

[smilie]

I can relate to the panic attacks. In fact, in my first sitch in 2005 this is how I realized she was having an EA. She was staying up late in the home office down the hall "working". My first inclination that something wasn't right was one night one of my favorite athletes, in one of his final events, was putting on an amazing performance. After he pulled out a win, I went down to the home-office to tell her about it, and when I came into the HO I say her quickly hide a screen. My sub-conscious picked up on it, but in my excitement about what I was sharing I didn't even think about it much. After all, she had been working so hard, staying up so late each night that I just assumed she had her nose to the grindstone. Nope, she had been down there every night IMing with OM.

That night I woke (about 3-4 hours later) from a dream where she was cheating on me, in a full blown panic attack! Heart racing, shortness of breath, chest pains, feeling of complete hopelessness. It was awful. But that was when I started putting all of the pieces together of what was going on.

What a nightmare, that must've been awful for you. In hindsight, my wife's increases in computer usage tended to increase on the weekend. I just thought she was reading social media posts and catching up. Maybe there was more.

On ADs now yes, had thoughts skim quickly across my mind, no more than that.

Not in IC at the moment, not enough money for private. Waiting for health services CBT. Waiting list is 8 weeks. 5 weeks to go, no appointment received yet. I called a relationship counsellor today who works for a charity, left voicemail. Shall chase next wee incase they can help.

[smilie]

did you read the part of Divorce Remedy where Michele discusses depression? It's very interesting how our minds work.

I really enjoyed the Stop Sign Technique she wrote about. Are you familiar with this?

I haven't yet read about depression relating to the spouse. Yes, I am aware of the stop sign technique - and NLP pattern interrupt that has been proving very useful indeed!

Thoughts/mood determine behaviour so it stands to reason that behaviour also feeds back to determine mood. It's a good idea and one that Tony Robbins uses, I believe.

Ultimately, if you have to wait, use this place (and TAM). Come here and talk. Air it out. You seem to be getting a lot of responses, and that is great.

And I am really grateful for everyone here, truly. As I say, I'm also trying to line some IC up if this charity can make it a cheaper affair (as it were!). I'll talk to them next week hopefully.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Smilie,

Just skimmed you first thread. You are lucky to have so many wise posters chiming in.

I'm 54. my lady is 9 years younger. We have been living together for about 10 years. I had 50/50 custody of my 3 kids and her only daughter lived with us 100%. I was officially divorced Jan 09. Was married to my Xwife for 12 years and lived together for 6 before that.

I have been "researching" relationships since the bomb drop. One of the main things I learned is everything that works is counter-intuitive. For example, you fix the relationship by not trying to fix the relationship. She will be attracted to you when you are not trying to attract her. Even here, most people are using the wrong measuring stick to determine "What works". They are looking at how the spouse responds. The measurement should be more about how you behave, respond, and interact. Did you interact the way you planned ect. If not, can I do better the next time.

Another thing that is counter-intuitive. This has nothing to do with your W. Take all the focus off of her and focus on your personal growth. This is your opportunity to become the best version of you. You fix you by taking a hard look internally. Challenge everything you believe. You just found out Santa isn't real and that is OK. Just process everything.


Read this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


As far as sleep, My doc prescribed some pills to me after BD. I would take the pill, 30 minutes later be asleep...8 hours later wake up. It was great.

Clear your mind. Keep a notepad next to bed. Make a note of anything that is keeping you awake or waking you up. Not an essay, just away for your mind to not worry about that at the moment. Write it down, then tell yourself "I will deal with that tomorrow".

Relax your body. Start with slow controlled breathing. Intentionally relax every part of your body with every breath out. Start at the top of your head and work down to your toes.

Each breath out, count down by 3s from 100. Start higher if needed. I don't make it to 80.





As far as the anxiety, taking a break from your "learning" will help as well as learning to be in the present.

“Po: Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles.
Oogway: Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles? You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present.”; Kung Fu Panda

[smilie]

Just skimmed you first thread. You are lucky to have so many wise posters chiming in.

Do you know, I am really grateful for the number of people that have been responding and helping out. It's actually blown me away, Thank you all.

I like your perspective on everything being counter-intuitive and I think I am finding that out - once again - although this time it's hitting harder. Personal growth is important, I agree and as others have mentioned it is the ONLY thing that I can control - me.

You just found out Santa isn't real and that is OK.

A'int that so true! I have also said to myself "she wouldn't do anything like that". Yeah, she would and...she did!

I've got so many sleep tools now from loads of people, here and in my personal life. Thank you all. I had the best night sleep that I've had for ages last night - 6 hours straight, then 1.5 broken. The past few weeks I was only getting 1-3 hours of broken sleep a night, if I was lucky.

As far as the anxiety, taking a break from your "learning" will help as well as learning to be in the present.

Very good advice. I'm aware of both Ekharte Tolle's work and Sydney Banks - this is the secret I think. So hard to stay there though.....more practice needed.

Thank you.

[smilie]

I'm finding it hard today, very hard. I went to the small park we have here as I couldn't face being at home any longer, the loneliness is so oppressive. I read my DR book and had a coffee. I was reading about MLC and wondered if any of it made sense concerning my W. I then realised that it probably doesn't as she done the same thing 10 years back and it wouldn't be reasonable to assume that one could have more than one MLC in their life.

So it's basically me then. I wasn't attentive enough perhaps. I wasn't very good in bed maybe. And for all intents and purposes I wasn't bringing in an income. So it's me, I am the failure here. I know some of you guys are of the opinion that this is due to the fact that I was unable to work and from her perspective I can see that also. But surely it can't just be this?

Having spent time without her for almost 5 weeks now, I wrote this email to a friend. I am not blaming her in the slightest and I take full blame - if blame is to be cast on anybody. But I have tried to reach out to my wife on multiple occasions and really, as I mentioned to my friend, perhaps it's me that should have gone and left as she seemed like she didn't want to work on our relationship.

Please take what I am quoting as just transient thinking. It's me wondering, that's all nothing more, but hopefully it will help shine some light on things from my perspective. If I was the female here and I had tried for years to speak to my husband to tell him that I wanted us to improve our relationship and life and he wasn't interested, because as a result of those conversations he did nothing, then I would have walked. But me being me, I just keep trying. Banging my head against a wall, why?

Did I mention that I was having a bad day? I feel extremely lonely today. I went to the pub and sat outside overlooking the mere we have here and it was beautiful. I sat on my laptop and started to write about my experience, what has happened over the past 4 weeks and how it all started. A journal if you like. I want to write it down. But as I sat there, all I see is couples drinking, chatting and loving each other. I couldn't help but sit there and cry. That was my life just a short few weeks ago - our life. Now she is sharing that experience with somebody else and that really, really hurts, so deep.

Here's the email to my friend that I typed this morning. I don't know why I'm sharing, I just feel that I need to explain things from my perspective. This was also my thoughts this morning, they may have changed a bit since. My mind is all over the place at the moment and I am finding it hard to work on me, but I'm doing what I can and forcing myself to do the garden and housework.

My email reads like I've had enough, but I haven't. I would still like for us to create a new life, a different life, but I feel that she has never really been up for that. My feelings are that the sharing of this email will bring comments such as "Well, you're better off apart then" and similar, but it's just my thoughts, just venting, just trying to make sense of this and my friend knows that also.

Thank you all for being here, I really do appreciate your time. It's the only thing keeping me going at the moment, I know it is and I will be forever in your debt.

I'm not moaning about her, but clarity is coming and I am seeing so clearly how long I have wanted our relationship and our lives to progress. Years. I hate things being the same and I have wanted to change them for at least 12 years. I have brought this up so so many times with her, at least annually, but she was never interested and always ignored my frustrations.

I should have been the one to leave. It was me that should have realised that the only contribution she was willing to make in this marriage, was a financial one. I should have started my business, got an income and left - but I loved her and wanted her to come with me in the journey to a different life. She didn't want that and chose just to go to work, giving the reason (excuse) that she had to go to work as it was the only income we had. She made be believe there was no other option and she convinced me to put my dental claim money in her account and save it, rather than invest it in us and start some form of business, which she had probably convinced herself would never work.

She never stopped me dreaming, but she snuffed out the flame and conditioned me for helplessness and hopelessness and kept me amused by buying seeds and gardening things, to shut me up and keep me (sort of) content so that I wouldn't keep wanting to progress our life. She just wanted the same thing, go to work, then come home.

It's so clear. Do you know, she has done *exactly* the same thing year in year out since we have been together? She has never once moaned about having to go to work. Even people who like their job moan about the droll of going to work and things being the same, day in day out. She never has, not once. I've spoken to her about this and she says that she likes going to work.

So when i last spoke with her the weekend before she left and mentioned that she seems to hold work in a higher regard than our relationship and marriage, and she SAID that she didn't, she then went and proved me right with her actions. She knew I was right and she thought that I knew that she was seeing somebody else, as I hinted when talking about work, like it was she was seeing somebody else that she just couldn't dump and it felt that I was second to her job and that that's all she wanted to do rather than progress our lives.

She held me back mate. I've said it before but I can see it so clear now and then she turns the tables and blames me for not doing anything about the ideas I have. No, i haven't because she snuffed out the flame. I kept waiting for her to be onboard, but she never would be, as work was her priority. She never worked overtime, never went in early, but she held work as a much higher value than us and gave the excuse that she had to go to work to bring home the money. Short-term yes, but she had the choice to try something different, to work together to build an income stream another way. I told her so many times that I desperately wanted us to build something together, she said she wanted that also but never mentioned it again or did anything to work towards that.

Strange. If I'd have been a woman, a walk away wife, then it would have been me that would have left as she obviously didn't want to work on a business, on our relationship, on creating a family, or on us.

[LH19]

S,

Man I really feel for you because I think you’re a good dude who came down with an unfortunate illness.

People typically end a relationship for one of two reasons. Loss of attraction or because they can’t see a future together. Typically loss of attraction in LT relationships is due to resentment built up over time. I read once for every negative interaction it takes 7 positive interactions to off set it or the resentment builds.

The point is that you are never going to know the true story and quite frankly the answer will never be acceptable to you anyway.

One hour at a time my friend.

[smilie]

I can fully understand that she can't see a future, but she has shown that she didn't want to work towards a future - unless of course it was just with me. Her future was probably her job, being made Partner at the law firm where she works. That's probably all she wanted after all, even though she led me to believe otherwise.

I understand that she has left for good and that's it now. The relationship is over and I have to come to terms with that. I know that now.

There is not one example that I can find where this has happened for somebody else twice like this and the relationship has gone on to be successful. Most of the examples and rhetoric in DR is focused on marriages where the people are still living together and they notice the changes and the work that their S is doing. I know not where my wife is. I don't see her or hear from her. I can't stop thinking when we got together and she left her boyfriend, she didn't mention him once and she went all-out in our new life without a second thought. They had been together 4 years, us 19. So she would probably be doing this again with somebody else, just push me aside and carry on with her life without a second thought. It's so horrible thinking like this, but it seems that this is now my reality.

If there was any type of chance we could somehow start to mend this situation, I would be up for the discussion. But almost 5 weeks on and with Divorce proceedings looming over our heads, I fear that it's now time to say goodbye and it's the last thing I want to do.

It's so awful to think she has just ran without a reason or a discussion. Typical WAW and/or SAS.

I am still dreading her response to my lawyers letter. Part of me hopes that she will reach out wanting to change things, but the realistic part of me knows that she will say to go ahead and divorce for adultery. She boxes up her emotions and she feels nothing.