@Elbereth, when I visited Texas I was amazed to find large groups of bats in one city. Fun fact--I just discovered a group of bats is not a "flock" but rather a "cauldron".
I agree you deserve better and am glad you see it, too. (:
Been taking a break from the moving process as it's just wearing me down and I'm so over it. I'm hoping to hire some muscle to finish it up, but so far, movers have been hard to come by.
My STBXHs AP has moved states and is now living with him. A part of me is glad, because I do feel it's the beginning of the end for them as I don't feel that relationship will last (Karma). I am also hoping that it means that things will finally move forward with the D as nothing has been happening. I just want to move on with my life and have my finances in order. I'm ready. But I also didn't want to make it easy on him and push the process through and do all the work. So I'm kind of stuck on what to do if things continue to drag out. I know I should not focus at all on what is happening with them...so now that things are where they are, I am now making a conscious effort to not poke around her social media channels. I've not looked in a week or so now. Progress.
The house is getting remodeled and ready to sell. Work is busier but still no solid offer on the position I asked for. I am really frustrated by the way they have dragged it out. Can you tell? I'm so over things in limbo and just waiting for others to make decisions. haha. I do have a plan B if this doesn't work out...so at least I'm not freaked out about it.
I'm going to take some time off since I've not had a vacation in a very long time. It will be some time for me alone to focus on my journey and self care. I'm planning to take a Bloom course on healing the PTSD of Infidelity and I hope that will be helpful. The time away will hopefully be some much needed focus on myself that has been hard to manage lately.
Lastly, I do feel I have some PTSD from the affair. I've been finding myself dwelling a lot on things lately. I've been having trouble sleeping too. I just feel stagnate. Numb. Maybe it's just exhaustion. But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them. So I hope to do that on this trip.
Anyway, I wanted to drop in and give everyone an update. I will spend some time catching up on threads, and I hope everyone is hanging in there and doing well.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
There is one thing I forgot to mention that is on my mind...
One of the contractors on the house has been making a lot of effort to engage with me. Sending texts about random things, and being friendly. I am in my 50s and I think he is in his thirties. I just find it really confusing. ha! I mean, I'm an older divorcing woman...what is he looking for? I don't even think we have that much in common but he says he finds me interesting. I don't know, maybe it's just been too long since a man other than my spouse has shown me any attention. Pathetic, I know. ha!
Anyone else experience something like this in the midst of their lives in crazy times?
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Anyone else experience something like this in the midst of their lives in crazy times?
The last time I "seriously" dated was decades ago. I've been surprised most women I meet aren't looking for marriage, kids, or a commitment to forever. They're just looking for attraction, chemistry, and a relationship that's an asset rather than a liability.
Personally, I'm 40s and have dated women my age +/- 8yrs. I met a woman +10yrs who I'm clicking with. Yes, an age starting with a 5!!! I'm being silly, of course, but her son is the same age as mine and her career is in a similar place.
Why shouldn't the 30s guy court a 50s lady if he finds her attractive? You asked what HE is looking for. What are YOU open to? You get to set the tone and pace. E.g., are your dates at a public walk, a picnic, a lunch--or a darkened theater--or dinner at his place? I encourage being intentional and no regrets. (:
I empathize with your feelings of stress over the traumatic events of your situation.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I do feel I have some PTSD from the affair. I've been finding myself dwelling a lot on things lately. I've been having trouble sleeping too. I just feel stagnate. Numb. Maybe it's just exhaustion. But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them.
The dwelling upon the past events is normal. It’s part of grief; the stage of depression. The time when we emotionally realize the loss.
The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are written in that particular order as they give the overarching path. However, the stages are not strictly linear nor one at a time. It is very common to be within two or more stages which reflect upon different parts of one’s situation and their journey towards acceptance.
An interesting juxtaposition of grief is bargaining and depression. These usually overlap. Bargaining being our last ditch efforts to keep our former lives intact, and depression being us finally letting go of that and facing the dark sadness of our loss. It’s a weird time.
Along with that emotional journey, one moves from attached to detached and then on to indifferent. Indifference, that numb feeling. A time when other feelings loom much larger than they really are when compared against the now and very temporary void of numb indifference. Be cautious. Anger, vengeance, lust, infatuation, and such all appear much larger at times. And at other times we are completely void and blank. Such is the mix of depression and indifference.
I do understand how it is a pretty good feeling when we get some attention. Especially after your spouse treated you like he did.
Entertaining ideas of “what if” are a nice little dream. Keep them there!
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I mean, I'm an older divorcing woman...what is he looking for?
I think you know the answer to that.
Decisions made based upon feelings oftentimes lead to regret.
The one’s attention you covet. The one who’s respect you desire. Is your’s. Oftentimes folks don’t find that out until too late.
You defined yourself as “divorcing”. I’ll be explicitly straightforward, do not date or give into someone’s attention while you are married. Give yourself at least one full year post finalized divorce before any of that. For you are worth it!
Indifference is a gift. Depression a necessary step towards accepting what has happened and one’s new life. A new and very great life full of possibilities! Take the time to fully unwrap and explore this gift and blessing bestowed upon you. Yes, I’m serious. Depression and numbness are blessings. Accept them.
Originally Posted by Elebereth
But I know I need to focus on the feelings and work through them.
We work through best by not focusing upon that which presses. Your emotional self is already churning and processing. Focusing your conscious direct control towards your emotions and feelings is more a hinderance than a help.
Focus upon your self and your life. Joyful times. Birds singing. Songs. Walks. Trips. Gardening. Work. Etc.
Be patient and let answers, the true internal answers, present themselves. You cannot force that. It takes time to walk the path. And the best strategy is a peaceful, kind of sideways approach.
It’s part of finding our beliefs. Then strengthening those values that serve us. Crafting beliefs and convictions we aspire to. And altering or discarding that which does not serve us.
By the way, most people believe in vengeance and unknowingly justify it as a belief in justice. Vengeance is a pretty good one to let go of, IMHO. And Compassion, kindness, forgiveness, etc. are all pretty good values to strengthen.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
My STBXHs AP has moved states and is now living with him. A part of me is glad, because I do feel it's the beginning of the end for them as I don't feel that relationship will last (Karma). I am also hoping that it means that things will finally move forward with the D as nothing has been happening. I just want to move on with my life and have my finances in order. I'm ready. But I also didn't want to make it easy on him and push the process through and do all the work. So I'm kind of stuck on what to do if things continue to drag out. I know I should not focus at all on what is happening with them...so now that things are where they are, I am now making a conscious effort to not poke around her social media channels. I've not looked in a week or so now.
El, embrace your indifference and find yourself. Find your beliefs.
It is ok, and actually healthy to be stuck. Give yourself permission to be stuck. Is is ok.
Do continue not spying upon OW’s social media blabbing. She’s not worth that effort and you need not know or compare. Your life is awesome. Live it.
Be patient and continue your path.
The future is thankfully unknown. And will reveal itself in time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Elb! It might not feel like it, but reading your updates, it sounds like you are in a good place. You are self aware when you need a break and have a lot of plates spinning in the air, but making it work!
I don't have a lot to add as CW and DnJ have given wonderful advice and support, but I am in your corner!!
Re: your STBX - acting sweet and like a 'friend'. Mine did and continues to do the same. There is no rhyme or reason behind it. He has told me I'm beautiful and compliments me constantly, whereas during the last year of us prior to BD he didn't even notice me. He even offered to come and mow the lawn in my new place. I try and not focus on him, like you, and just focus on what I need to do to move forward and heal.
Keep your chin up and keep moving forward! It's so encouraging to read how you are handling the changes. And also - enjoy the fact that the young man finds you interesting. I hope it's a reminder that you have value even if your STBX couldn't see it! I'm 47 and the only people who have shown interest are 20-30 year olds!! it's crazy. I just take it as a compliment and move on lol
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I've had a hard time getting online. Seems the pages won't load and I get time out errors. So fingers crossed this post gets through.
CWarrior, it's not really the age difference that bothers me, I mean, I dated a guy that was 13 years older than me before. But for anything longer term, I think I'd need to be 5-7 years difference in age at the most. It's true that age is just a number but there is no denying that different ages have different life experiences and reference points. I'd prefer someone who is more aligned to mine. That's all. The other thing about this guy, is he could be gay. I can't tell (and I have gay family members), so that makes it even more confusing. My friend met him the other day and I asked what she thought and she thought he's gay (and was confused when I told her I had interest vibes off him). Who knows, I try not to judge books by their covers. He could certainly be bisexual too for all I know. What do I want? If there were any chemistry, I'd be interested in sex but not much more. I don't want a relationship at this moment. But I've never been the type to just have sex with strangers.
DnJ, you say wait a year to date. I don't disagree. But if we are separated a year and the divorce drags out a year, etc, etc, who wants to wait that long? I certainly don't want that. I do agree that you shouldn't until you are ready, and I think that should be the guide. You have to commit to yourself to spend the time on the work and on being happy alone. If you have done that and feel you are ready then you could be ready. I do feel that I will also find some healing in my next relationships too. Avoiding them isn't the answer...doing the work on yourself I think is. So I plan to do that first, and I hope I am already doing that. But I am not going to stop meeting people if it comes up and an interesting option comes around... That's just me.
As for the numb/limbo feelings I'm feeling right now, reading your post is comforting, thank you. I'm going to do the work as I feel it, take breaks as I feel it, and just try to follow my heart and my body each day. I don't want to rush things, but I also don't want to avoid things. I'm sick of where things are, but I also realize not that much time has passed. It's a very uncomfortable place to be.
97Hope, thank you for also being in my corner. The behaviors that come out at this time are so confusing. I actually think my STBXH is a covert narcissist (or has some tendencies). I think he will continue to be nice to me as long as it suits him. And when it doesn't, I expect to either be ignored or get anger. I've accepted that I don't know this person (at least who he is now), so I am just doing my best to be my most gracious self and to not engage in any negativity with him. I think I have also come to realize is that I will continue to be confused by his behavior. There are no answers for me. At least not anytime soon.
As for getting the looks, I'll take them! ha! And if they are younger it is flattering!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Just a little update on my situation. I was able to go out of town for a week and just relax and do self care. It was wonderful, but it did take me half of the time to get to a true relaxed state. I really know I could have used more time. So I am exploring retreats or other options to unwind and focus on me and my own growth.
The younger guy that has shown interest is still sending vibes my way. He did mention that he saw an ex-girlfriend recently, so that means he isn't gay (or at least he's bi). I enjoy the conversations, etc, but still feel no interest in anything further.
The home is almost complete in the remodeling effort and will very soon end up on the market. It's bittersweet to see it in the state that I always knew it could be and sad that I won't live in it to enjoy it. But hopefully we make a decent profit and that makes some of the pain worth it.
I was really feeling stuck emotionally and even though I am ready to move on from my M, I still keep having trouble sleeping, keep rehashing events or convos in my mind, and keep feeling a level of anxiety about my future and about trusting people in general (male and female). One of my instagram pals posted something about betrayal PTSD and in reviewing this subject, I feel strongly that I don't just have PTSD over his betrayal, but I also have PTSD in the way the last few years have been. It's as if the lying and cheating wasn't abusive enough, but he was also verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that it affected my mental and physical health. He watched me trusting him, owning my own sh*t, and trying to meet his needs, adjust to his roller-coaster of emotional states (walking on glass), taking on more of the burden's of family, all while he may have been having his affair that whole time. And all while my health was failing. I really struggle to know if he was always this person or if he snapped or what. No one understands what has happened to him or why he's doing what he is doing. Does it take someone who has narcissistic tendencies to go this far off the rails in MLC? But in speaking with older friends, it's been pointed out that his XW also didn't seem to do well with him and that he wasn't there for her when she had post-partum depression, and she also is crazy now (but wasn't before the children). I now wonder, did his treatment of her make her snap? Did she experience similar behaviors from him in their M? I certainly feel like I came close to collapsing, but I am a very strong person...so I think I can handle more than the average person...
Anyway, this is where my head has been at. I am exploring some courses in PTSD for sexual betrayal and I think I want to do a retreat that focuses on PTSD or other issues like codependency and boundaries. I know I will get through this, but I feel stuck and need to shift into some other areas of exploration. I know I will need a lot of time and therapy to heal from this experience.
I will try to do some catching up on your sitch's now that I am back home. I had tried to get online several times, but it just hanged and I couldn't get in. Things seem to be working better today as it was quick to log me in. I hope you all are hanging in there and enjoying the last of summer.
xo El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
