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A Message from Michele
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BL42 Offline OP
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Maika,

Thanks for chiming in. I'm probably getting at a question which you (or anyone else) can't possibly answer, and recognize it's not "focusing on me and the kids", but if I'm being honest I do wonder what's going to happen with OM2 in the future...

In reading your thread the similarities of our Exs moving another person in with the kids and rushing things along immediately after separation struck me. My now ExW moved OM2 in with the kids very quickly, including him and his family attending my D2's birthday party the next month, vacationing together, and now buying a house directly across the street from OM2's sister! Very similar to when ExW & I got together - integrating with the families - only now there are kids (mine!) involved.

D2 talks about going for ice cream (or whatever) with "Mommy and OM2" and I have to swallow my feelings and smile and listen as she's too young to understand. S6 doesn't bring him up at all, don't know if that means he's been told not to or if he knows something isn't quite right and feels the need to protect my feelings.

So, part of me wonders if she's just replaced me and my family with a new happy family of her own and will ride off into the sunset, or if there are underlying issues that will surface down the road for them, and I should brace for my kids' sake.

Anyway...no one can predict the future, but due to our similarities and considering things blew up between your Ex & the new guy, was just wondering if I might be two years behind you and am most interested with your thoughts on my sitch, whether anything jumped out or resonated with you, and any related advice. Part of me is still hoping things don't work out for them.

Last edited by BL42; 09/09/21 05:07 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Hey BL!

I am going to 'try' and answer your questions and thoughts to the best of my ability. I don't know if it will alleviate anything, but the most I owe to anyone on this board is honesty and my take on it. But let's be real here - my context is different from yours and we have things that overlap, but there will be differences. So, take what I have to say with that in mind.

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but if I'm being honest I do wonder what's going to happen with OM2 in the future...

I know this question and I know how I pondered on it forever. The only real answer to this question is - I don't know. It may work out, it may not. The best we can do is speculate. I can give you a whole lot of reasons why I think it might not work out, and I think they are legitimate reasons. But there is also a chance it might work out - they might go to therapy, they may restart from the beginning, etc. The chances of that happening are slim, but you just don't know.

I would highly suggest that you stop asking questions that have no answers. I know it is hard to not fixate on these questions because they allow us to grieve in some way. You will get past these questions through your grieving period.

Quote
My now ExW moved OM2 in with the kids very quickly, including him and his family attending my D2's birthday party the next month, vacationing together, and now buying a house directly across the street from OM2's sister! Very similar to when ExW & I got together - integrating with the families - only now there are kids (mine!) involved.

yes, i know exactly how that feels. i know exactly how it feels to have this happen and have zero control over it. All I have to say is that you have to take care of your heart because there is basically nothing you can do. I know that there is a terrible answer because there is no solution here. It is just embracing the reality. Every time my kids came and told me about whatever they did there, it was like arrows piercing my heart. I dreaded the moment when my kids would come back to me because I knew I was going to hear all about what's happening at mommy's place with the new guy. But I swallowed it and never showed it to my kids. I would put them to bed at night and then feel all my emotions in my room over some sad music or just have a good cry. Most important advice - don't bury your emotions over this. Make sure you give yourself time and space to feel them when no one is around. Your kids can't see this because they won't understand and it is not their burden to carry. Try and be the best dad when you're with them, and you have full permission to fall apart when they're not around - I surely did and over time I picked myself up and got stronger.

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So, part of me wonders if she's just replaced me and my family with a new happy family of her own and will ride off into the sunset, or if there are underlying issues that will surface down the road for them, and I should brace for my kids' sake.

yes, i felt that I had been replaced by a new shiny person. that she now fulfilled her fantasy of having a white picket fence house with a new guy, some cats, a big yard, a pool, and buncha kids blended in together as a new family. and I was left out in the cold. It's heartbreaking to see that. Like you're garbage that was just discarded with such ease and without any concern. that you didn't matter at all. some of that may ring true, but only because your self-worth and self-value is right now in the deepest darkest parts of a dungeon. I had yank out my value from that place by being around people that loved me and doing things that brought me joy - that's why GAL is such an important component of this.

There may be issues down the line. Again the answer here is the same - I don't know. You don't know. All you can do is stabilize the present to affect the future. I knew that I had to be a rock for my kids no matter what happened, so that in the future, they would know that I am a safe place for them. Whatever that may transpire for the kids in the future, they know that you got them. You can't count on your exW to make that space for them, but you can do it. Kids will grow up and see the truth for themselves and see how you held it down for them and that might not happen until they're in the 20s, or not until they have kids, but they will eventually. Just be present and stable for them and give them all the love and attention when they're with you because that is the time you can control.

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Part of me is still hoping things don't work out for them.

It's totally normal to feel and think that. Some part of you wants comeuppance, some revenge. You'll feel less of it over time. Part of the reason why I had these thoughts was because in a small way I wanted her to run back to me after realizing what she had lost - but that never happened. And it's okay to have that desire, but it will lessen over time when you shift perspectives. Instead of wondering if the new R will work out, I asked myself:

1. Do I want to be with her considering all that she's done?
2. Is she a healthy emotionally mature human being?
3. What is that I want from a relationship?

Once you shift focus to your own priorities and what you want, you realize that exW is not someone you want to be with right now. If she does the work, you might consider it, but for now that door is only very slightly open.

The only thing that I'll say is that I did spend more time than I should have on questions that had no real answers and trying to find clues to see if she's changed her mind, or try to really understand how she could make the decisions she made etc. And you can probably get a good approximation of those answers because you know her, but those answers don't really help you with anything. I do still struggle with them at times, but I remind myself that I am answer something that will not change a thing for me - mentally or emotionally. So, I reframe my focus back on to what my dreams and aspirations are and focus on that. Cuz I know that when I make my life better, I improve the lives of my kids and am a stronger and more attractive person to be with.

A small detail I forgot to mention about my decision to meet exW's lilmanboy - he was not an OM in the sense that they got together while we were married and she cheated on me. They met a year after the separation. If he was an OM in the traditional sense, I would not have met up with him. Small, but important detail.

The last thing I'll add is that I am not sure if you've been to therapy. If you haven't, you should give it a try. I did a year of it and it was very helpful just to get all my thoughts out and have a neutral party give me new perspectives. The other person who really helped me with my emotional and mental health and mindset is Peter Crone. We can't link up things here, but I would humbly suggest checking him out. Podcast interviews with him are on YouTube. The one with Kerwin Rae is phenomenal, and so are the ones with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee. Didn't solve anything overnight, but I keep going back to him to help me cement my thinking process and emotional issues. Check him out and see if it speaks to you.

I truly feel how you're feeling and I know that it's very possible to get through it with all the rollercoaster feels. This community is very helpful and it definitely helped me in my most troubling hours.

I'm around.


No one is coming to save you!

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What Manila said…100%. I know what it feels like as well BL. It is the worst feeling in the world to be “replaced” like that. But…time helps and taking the focus off of them and onto yourself. I did what Maika suggested and asked myself those questions on the regular. The answer was always consistently “no” to the first two questions. Why would I want to be with a cheater who never looks in the mirror and takes no responsibility for himself? It’s a no brainer. You will realize the same thing once you give your heart enough time to catch up with your head. It will eventually. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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Quote
has cut multiple very close friends and family out of her life, and always seems to be your "bestie"...until she's not.

Saw this in your intro to this thread. Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder? People with this issue can “swing” - first you’re the best thing since sliced bread, the only person who really understands them - then you’re a horrible person, the worst ever.

People with borderline personality disorder often cannot maintain stability in their lives, or do so with difficulty. They don’t maintain friendships well over the long term. They have difficulties with coworkers at work. If you were the subject of their admiration at first, it’s disorienting when they turn in you.

I suggest you read up on it and see if it rings any bells. If she IS BPD, understanding it will be key to helping your kids in the future.

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BL42 Offline OP
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Maika,

I appreciate your time and you weighing in...

Originally Posted by Maika
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but if I'm being honest I do wonder what's going to happen with OM2 in the future...
I know this question and I know how I pondered on it forever. The only real answer to this question is - I don't know. It may work out, it may not.

I would highly suggest that you stop asking questions that have no answers. I know it is hard to not fixate on these questions because they allow us to grieve in some way. You will get past these questions through your grieving period.
Objectively I realize no one can know what will happen in the future. I try not to dwell on it and do my best to stay busy with GAL, but my mind has been bringing it up a good deal lately. Hopefully time will help.

Originally Posted by Maika
i know exactly how it feels to have this happen and have zero control over it. All I have to say is that you have to take care of your heart because there is basically nothing you can do. I know that there is a terrible answer because there is no solution here. It is just embracing the reality.
It's the worst.

Originally Posted by Maika
Every time my kids came and told me about whatever they did there, it was like arrows piercing my heart. I dreaded the moment when my kids would come back to me because I knew I was going to hear all about what's happening at mommy's place with the new guy. But I swallowed it and never showed it to my kids. I would put them to bed at night and then feel all my emotions in my room over some sad music or just have a good cry. Most important advice - don't bury your emotions over this.
It is like an arrow piercing my heart. S6 doesn't bring it up at all, and maybe it's him trying to protect me (which has it's own implications), but D2 doesn't understand and will say "I went for ice cream with mommy, OM2 (they have pet name ExW gave them for him), S6, Ex-MIL" or "I went swimming with mommy and OM2 in Ex-MIL's pool!". I've just been swallowing it like you said and smiling and saying "Oh wow, that sounds fun".

Originally Posted by Maika
Make sure you give yourself time and space to feel them when no one is around. Your kids can't see this because they won't understand and it is not their burden to carry. Try and be the best dad when you're with them, and you have full permission to fall apart when they're not around - I surely did and over time I picked myself up and got stronger.
I haven't had any break downs lately, the last was a few months ago when the D settlement went through, but it still hurts at times for sure.

Originally Posted by Maika
yes, i felt that I had been replaced by a new shiny person. that she now fulfilled her fantasy of having a white picket fence house with a new guy, some cats, a big yard, a pool, and buncha kids blended in together as a new family. and I was left out in the cold. It's heartbreaking to see that. Like you're garbage that was just discarded with such ease and without any concern. that you didn't matter at all.
Yep. Exactly. It's heartbreaking and also bewildering. Like looking in at your life through a window of of house, except it's a different person in there.

Originally Posted by Maika
some of that may ring true, but only because your self-worth and self-value is right now in the deepest darkest parts of a dungeon. I had yank out my value from that place by being around people that loved me and doing things that brought me joy - that's why GAL is such an important component of this.
My self worth has rebounded a good bit. I've always had good self-esteem prior to BD, and I've got that back now. Plus, I've been doing GAL fairly well (adult sports league, coaching S6's teams, grad school, kids, friends & family...etc.)

Originally Posted by Maika
I knew that I had to be a rock for my kids no matter what happened, so that in the future, they would know that I am a safe place for them. Whatever that may transpire for the kids in the future, they know that you got them. You can't count on your exW to make that space for them, but you can do it. Kids will grow up and see the truth for themselves and see how you held it down for them and that might not happen until they're in the 20s, or not until they have kids, but they will eventually. Just be present and stable for them and give them all the love and attention when they're with you because that is the time you can control.
I am absolutely crushing it with the kids, which besides being the right thing to do and the best for them, has helped me quite a bit stay busy and kept my mind off the sitch. Hopefully that's helping them now and will pay dividends for them in the future (despite all they're going through).

Originally Posted by Maika
Quote
Part of me is still hoping things don't work out for them.

It's totally normal to feel and think that. Some part of you wants comeuppance, some revenge. You'll feel less of it over time.
Yep. There's no doubt part of me still wants to see Karma to come around on ExW. Maybe that's not healthy, and it's probably not best for the kids, but I can't help feeling it at times. Hopefully it'll dissapate over time.

Originally Posted by Maika
Part of the reason why I had these thoughts was because in a small way I wanted her to run back to me after realizing what she had lost - but that never happened. And it's okay to have that desire, but it will lessen over time when you shift perspectives. Instead of wondering if the new R will work out, I asked myself:

1. Do I want to be with her considering all that she's done?
2. Is she a healthy emotionally mature human being?
3. What is that I want from a relationship?

Once you shift focus to your own priorities and what you want, you realize that exW is not someone you want to be with right now. If she does the work, you might consider it, but for now that door is only very slightly open.
I don't want her back at this point, and don't even think I could want here back. The answers to questions 1 & 2 are a definite "NO", but that doesn't mean I don't lament the loss of an intact family or wish (even though I wouldn't take her back) she'd realize what she did and what she lost. Though, I suppose what's the point of that now?

Originally Posted by Maika
The only thing that I'll say is that I did spend more time than I should have on questions that had no real answers and trying to find clues to see if she's changed her mind, or try to really understand how she could make the decisions she made etc. And you can probably get a good approximation of those answers because you know her, but those answers don't really help you with anything. I do still struggle with them at times, but I remind myself that I am answer something that will not change a thing for me - mentally or emotionally. So, I reframe my focus back on to what my dreams and aspirations are and focus on that. Cuz I know that when I make my life better, I improve the lives of my kids and am a stronger and more attractive person to be with.
You're right. I shouldn't waste my time on trying to answer questions which can't be answered. I am going pretty well in GAL and improving myself & my future though. Would love to kick those thoughts popping up right out of my head for good!

Originally Posted by Maika
A small detail I forgot to mention about my decision to meet exW's lilmanboy - he was not an OM in the sense that they got together while we were married and she cheated on me. They met a year after the separation. If he was an OM in the traditional sense, I would not have met up with him. Small, but important detail.
Not here! They moved in together the month after separation, and I'm quite sure they were "together" while she still lived with me and the kids. Not sure if that hurts worse, but it seems like it does. I think I'd feel better if they met a year after separation, but who knows maybe not...I guess it doesn't change the result in the end.

Originally Posted by Maika
The last thing I'll add is that I am not sure if you've been to therapy. If you haven't, you should give it a try. I did a year of it and it was very helpful just to get all my thoughts out and have a neutral party give me new perspectives.
I did IC for 6 months and it helped, but the counselor started telling me I was doing everything that I should be doing and she didn't feel she could help me more, so I stopped. I was more in the sad/depressed mode back then, which I've worked through, but maybe I should pick back up at some point to address the thoughts of anger which is more often now.

Originally Posted by Maika
The other person who really helped me with my emotional and mental health and mindset is Peter Crone.
I bookmarked his sessions and will definite give them a listen...thanks for the referral!


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jul 2020
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BL42 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
What Manila said…100%. I know what it feels like as well BL. It is the worst feeling in the world to be “replaced” like that. But…time helps and taking the focus off of them and onto yourself. I did what Maika suggested and asked myself those questions on the regular. The answer was always consistently “no” to the first two questions. Why would I want to be with a cheater who never looks in the mirror and takes no responsibility for himself? It’s a no brainer. You will realize the same thing once you give your heart enough time to catch up with your head. It will eventually. (((HUGS)))

Thanks DejaVu6! I appreciate the words. When I think of Maika's questions objectively the answers are a definitive "NO". It's like I'm in some sort of odd paradox. At this point I don't want to be with her anyway, but also never wanted to be in the position in which I find myself (I.e., the lack of nuclear family for my kids). So while the sitch has past the point of no return with my wife and I, I'm also wanting the family I can never have. If that makes sense?

I have gotten a lot more comfortable with the concept and practice of being a single father and have been crushing it taking the kids places and doing activities with them, so maybe I'll see this "new normal" as even better than a nuclear family in the future.

One topics I've been meaning to raise here on the board is considering we have such young children I still see ExW a good bit with the transitions and activities...etc., and it's an odd feeling at times. She looks the same; she's her pretty / happy self she always was (at least on the outside) and we're cordial, which makes it a bit surreal, like...why did all of this have to happen? And maybe on the inside she's all torn up and hating me for whatever reason, but there's a sense of normalness that does come through on our limited interactions that makes the extremeness of the reality of the divorce and her living with another man seem so bizarre. I don't know if that makes sense or resonates with anyone?


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL42 Offline OP
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kml,

Originally Posted by kml
Quote
has cut multiple very close friends and family out of her life, and always seems to be your "bestie"...until she's not.
Saw this in your intro to this thread. Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder? People with this issue can “swing” - first you’re the best thing since sliced bread, the only person who really understands them - then you’re a horrible person, the worst ever.

People with borderline personality disorder often cannot maintain stability in their lives, or do so with difficulty. They don’t maintain friendships well over the long term. They have difficulties with coworkers at work. If you were the subject of their admiration at first, it’s disorienting when they turn in you.

I suggest you read up on it and see if it rings any bells. If she IS BPD, understanding it will be key to helping your kids in the future.

It's hard for me to diagnose. I certainly see I watched a number of videos on narcissism / NPD awhile back and ExW certainly has some of the traits, but not sure if that was more of me reading into things happening during the the affair / divorce and other traits didn't ring as true or at least not obviously.

In terms of BPD, I've read up on it a little on your suggestion. ExW clearly exhibits certain traits:
  • fear of abandonment - Possibly. Not obvious, but would make sense looking back on family history
  • unstable relationships - Not unstable in the short term, but will have relationships (high school best friend, father, our marriage...etc.) which seem very close for a long time, but then are just cut off.
  • Unclear or shifting self-image - Definitely had anxiety and low self-esteem. I didn't realize the extent of those until snooping around affair.
  • Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors - Definitely impulsive, but more like buying things or changing something on a whim as opposed to more risky behaviors.
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness - I'm learning she has low self esteem at times and kind of projects a more happy / confident vibe outward.
  • Extreme emotional swings - Maybe? Again, didn't necessarily see this through our relationship but perhaps inside she was feeling this and masking it? I could see this being the case.


Other BPD traits not as much:
  • Self-harm - No don't believe so. Have no indication.
  • Explosive anger - Didn't really experience much if any of this during the marriage. Seems more like things were boiling on the inside I didn't know about, and maybe just blew out at the end.
  • Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality - Not sure.


I do see common co-disorders are anxiety which certainly the case and depression which may play in. I've learned self-imagine was a bigger issue than I realized.

ExW did have very traumatic teenage years. She found out about her mom's affair and divorce before her dad. She had a tumultuous relationship with her step-dad and cut her own dad out of her life for 5 years. She has been on ADs and in IC since her teenage years, and I'm hearing others now say "this is the real ExW" and "she's always been messed up", but it's difficult to reconcile that with my experience for the first 7 years of our relationship.


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Good Morning BL

Originally Posted by BL42
DnJ - I appreciate you taking the time to weigh in. I find myself reading your post several times, as it's a bit more philosophical/esoteric/conceptual than my left brain is used to, but definitely good concepts to learn more about. I am reading up on those areas I traditionally wasn't as into. I like your analogy on the car lines, can relate to the coffee maker example, and fully admit I need to focus more on the physical activity - maybe putting too many of my eggs in the kids and work basket and not enough on the raw physical. Thank you for your perspective!

Many of the answer you are seeking come from the philosophical realm. These answers are more resolution than solution. And they come from within you.

Originally Posted by BL42
I'm probably getting at a question which you (or anyone else) can't possibly answer, and recognize it's not "focusing on me and the kids", but if I'm being honest I do wonder what's going to happen with OM2 in the future...

I’ve found most obstacles are overcome not by brute head on force. Rather a sideways gentle approach yields the answers/resolutions, although they are usually not what one expects.

There is an answer to this and it will be revealed in time. The unknown future will provide the answer.

However, that is not the real question, is it? From my experience you are still formulating your true question(s). One’s path takes time to walk. It takes time to discover what we are truly questioning and therefore answering/resolving.

Quote
I would highly suggest that you stop asking questions that have no answers.

I suggest you keep asking questions. Especially those that have no, or more accurately hidden answers. Questions lead to knowledge. It is the need for answers you must quash. Again, to be accurate it’s the “quickness” of answers that is best to quash. Patience is the key, not forgoing asking questions.

However, while in the thick of it, focusing on you and the kids is one strategy that lessens those consuming thoughts and questions. GAL, focusing, etc, are all valid and excellent choices within your control and needed to give one’s mind time and rest to find its balance.

It is perfectly normal to wonder and worry about XW and OM2 and your kids. You are doing fine swallowing your feelings and allowing son and daughter to talk about their time and life with mom and OM2. That is what you control. You and your actions and reactions. Continue to be the best Dad you will be.

(A bit more of that esoteric view you mentioned. smile Be the best you will be, not can be. Everyday I can be better. Upon my deathbed, with the final exhale of breath, that is when I am the best I can be. Until then, I can choose to strive to become that man. To walk towards that goal. To work toward being the best I will be.

It’s a different view. And viewpoint changes everything.)

Do be your kids’ rock. Their solid stable parent. Choose this! Realize, it’s a choice.

When we start out, I think we all feel as an imposter. The rug was pulled out from under us. Our spouse displays such arrogance and assuredness of their new life. It is difficult to not get caught up in their fantasy and mix that into our belief system. In time, we find our balance and truth, and properly organize our beliefs and convictions. It does takes some time and patience. And by the way, you really don’t want to rush that.

Ensure you and your kids’ lives are stable and great. That is within your realm. And you are rocking it!

Originally Posted by BL42
There's no doubt part of me still wants to see Karma to come around on ExW. Maybe that's not healthy, and it's probably not best for the kids, but I can't help feeling it at times. Hopefully it'll dissapate over time.

It’s perfectly natural to have those feelings.

Quote
…but I can't help feeling it at times.

If you can’t help it, who can? As in, no one else can it for you.

True, you cannot directly control those feelings. You can influence them.

Feelings are born from within. Like the answers (and still hidden questions) you seek, they are within you. Born from your subconscious they herald a path of growth you can choose to walk.

These situations are horrible. Divorce is horrible. And an excellent and golden opportunity for growth and incredible blessings. I suspect you’ll need to take that a bit on faith for the moment.

Those feelings can dissipate in time. Will dissipate depending upon what path(s) you choose.

Altering, strengthening, discarding certain beliefs we have is a choice. One can choose to live, to belief, in that which they aspire to. One pretty common value/belief is that of justice and vengeance. In my humble opinion most people would be served better if they altered their view of that. Again, viewpoint changes everything.

From your statement you recognize certain rational elements of the value of letting go of the need for karmic intervention - healthier, better for kids. “But”. What comes after “but” is justifying you hanging on to your beliefs and convictions. It’s not “can’t help feeling”, it’s “won’t help feeling”.

Can’t vs won’t. One of the biggest belief/convictions one needs to discard. You are captain of your ship. Everything within your control you can control. It’s a matter of choosing to.

Choose to follow the rational left brain reasoning. This influences feelings, which together with those rational ideals alters deeply held convictions. Beliefs, feelings, thoughts - imagine all those cars lined up on your highway. Imagination, the first step towards creation. The creation and eventual fruition of peace and contentment.

Originally Posted by BL42
So while the sitch has past the point of no return with my wife and I, I'm also wanting the family I can never have. If that makes sense?

Yes, makes sense.

The seeming paradox is due to your binary limiting of options. There are a great many more possibilities. However, this is normal while one lets go.

Originally Posted by BL42
I have gotten a lot more comfortable with the concept and practice of being a single father and have been crushing it taking the kids places and doing activities with them, so maybe I'll see this "new normal" as even better than a nuclear family in the future.

And this is what you can control.

Is the new normal better than the nuclear family? Let go the paradox, discover BL42, and find out. For it will be as best as you make it.

D


Now: Me53 XW50 S24 S23 S20 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Hey BL!

This caught my attention and I don't think there's an answer to it. I mean there is, but you would have to ask her directly and see if she in a moment of honesty can say what's going on. I can speculate here and so can you. Think of all of this as an escape from her part. She is hell bent on creating whatever normalcy she can because actually digging in the past is beyond her. Same with my exW - that process will come in time and she's gotta actually allow for it. The so-called normalcy might also just be to put you at ease so that she can get through it as fast as possible. It could also be as a ploy to keep you as back-up. All of these scenarios are possible and are not mutually exclusive. Time will tell.

My exW has only be cordial and nice in the past whenever there was something she needed from me. I've come to recognize the pattern and so I don't get caught off-guard. I treat her with civility and don't think much of her 'niceness'. Maybe if it's still the same a year or two from now, I'll consider changing my perspective.

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One topics I've been meaning to raise here on the board is considering we have such young children I still see ExW a good bit with the transitions and activities...etc., and it's an odd feeling at times. She looks the same; she's her pretty / happy self she always was (at least on the outside) and we're cordial, which makes it a bit surreal, like...why did all of this have to happen? And maybe on the inside she's all torn up and hating me for whatever reason, but there's a sense of normalness that does come through on our limited interactions that makes the extremeness of the reality of the divorce and her living with another man seem so bizarre. I don't know if that makes sense or resonates with anyone?

DnJ made good points about asking questions. Let me clarify what I was saying. I think it's normal to have the questions you are posing, but there are no answers. I'll mildly agree with DnJ about asking questions, but they have to be the ones directed at yourself. There's no point in dwelling on questions that try to surmise the motivations behind exW's actions etc. The only way you'll get an answer to them is if you ask her point blank and even then I wouldn't trust those answers. But the DB way is to focus on yourself and ask yourself the right questions:

What did I contribute to the disintegration of the marriage?
What areas can I improve as a person?
What are the things I would want in a R?

and so forth...

I think those are the real productive questions because it allows you to go inward and seek more self-awareness and understanding.

I think the questions you're thinking about, and trust me I have spent enough time on it as well, leads to rumination and no answers and creates conditions for self-pity, anger, revenge etc. None of those things are going to help you to pick yourself up and move forward.

I'm around


No one is coming to save you!

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D2 (soon to be D3) had a meltdown this evening during her bath / before bed time, reminiscent of some of my son's break downs awhile back. She was crying and saying things like "I miss my mommy!", "why mommy leave?", and "I just want my mommy!".

I just held her and hugged her and told her things like "I know it's tough", "I understand how you feel" and "sometimes S6 & I get sad too", "you're my wonderful little girl and I love you"...etc.

Rough night. Sometimes this really [censored].


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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