[SteveLW]

Steve_,

It is your life. You get to decide how to live it. Would I like to see you be happy by yourself (and these past 8 months do not count because you were trying to get your XW back the entire time!) for quite a while longer before jumping into something new? Of course. I would like to see you stay business ONLY with your XW. I would like to see you planning your own father's day rather than glomming on to your EX's family event.

But this is your life! You get to decide. I am just a stranger on the internet. I do hope you stay in IC if you ever were. I think you still have a lot to deal with to become a whole person.

Most ironic part of your post: "She CANNOT be without some kind of R."

Sometimes it is easier to see weaknesses in other people than in ourselves.

But I am glad that you are doing better than you were 4 months ago. I still can't get over the V-day actions. But that is an example of WHY I say you have not been alone for 8 months. Do I think you are past falling for your EX's manipulation? I do. But do I think you've done all of the work necessary to be the best Steve_ you can be? No. But no one except you can force that.

I will say it appears you are being a good dad (except for the new GF so quickly thing). I've always felt you were a good dad! Keep up that good work.

[Steve_]

Thanks SteveLW,

I 100% agree I have work to do, this will be a process that will take years. I planned on being alone, going through the feels rebuilding my life and so on for at least another 9 months to a year. What happened was far sooner than I expected. But I am glad she is 5 hours away, because I still get to be alone and focus on my kids and purpose 90% of the time. Thus far we have 3 days lined up this month to spend together, other than that Im home with my kids or working and she is in school. Im glad there is no rush and the distance keeps us focusing on communication and not something more physical.

Honestly I know It was too quick and I keep an eye out for red flags and toxic behaviors from both her and I. I gotta be careful, but honestly my GF has been nothing but a blessing. Whether or not she stays in my life long-term I can't say, but I am certainly grateful for her.

I know you dont see those 8 months as me being alone, because I was trying to fix my M. But I lived my entire life alone, on my own, own place, own bills, kids on my own, all of it. Once the EW left she was gone and I left 2 weeks later. I have not spend hardly any time with her in that entire time. Over time I embraced that this would be life now. And decided to push the D forward on my own since I was ready. I was over it, and I wanted to be happier. Could I have waited longer? Absolutely, was it perfect timing for me to meet my now GF? No, not at all. But I didn't want to shut the door on an awesome person because statistics say "you need XXXX amount of time." If I had any intention of taking this thing lightly, rebounding, or just having fun, never would have let her in. I see what you guys are seeing, usually a R this quick after a D is a recipe for disaster and hurt kids. I am keeping that on the forefront of my mind, continuing to read, research, look at long distance R's, watching youtube vids about moving on in healthy ways, parenting alone, parenting with a new partner, etc. I have read more books than I did ever during the end of my M. I still do IC through the VA.

Lately I have finished an IV/Blood withdraw cert for my license,
I've applied at 5 different jobs and have an interview coming up,
repaired the relationship with my mom and sister my EW helped isolate me from and I talk to them daily

now I am just working on maintaining a decent friendship with the Ex and IL's until they move away.

day by day, im doing the best I can, thank you guys so much for all the help.

[LH19]

Steve,

I think you are missing the point but I will not waste mine or your time trying to explain. I understand that your GF wants kids. Is that something you are willing to do at this point in your life?

[Ready2Change]

I am not following your sitch, but I am interested in how many women you had to sift through to find your GF? How many dates with this one did it take to determine she was GF material?

[SteveLW]

But I didn't want to shut the door on an awesome person because statistics say "you need XXXX amount of time."

So this stuck out at me. First it isn't statistics. It is mental health. After the ringer you went through with your EX you needed time alone to mend and heal. To get past the traumas and hang ups. To not be suspicious when the new GF mentions a guy's name she is friends with thinking "Here we go again!" Etc.

But also the fact that you were afraid to shut the door on an awesome person. I guarantee you that if you had told this woman "sorry, I am not ready for an R right now", that in a year or two or whenever, when you were ready to date again, there would be other awesome people out there to meet. The fact that you think this woman is awesome in such a short amount of time has me wondering if you went from one over-attachment (your EX) to another (your GF). You've known her for what can be measured in weeks, and you are already talking like you are ready to marry her and have kids (or maybe in the reverse order!).

Again, your life. You get to decide. But it isn't XXXX statistics. It is about working through emotional baggage and setting yourself for your next MR to be a success.

If you had asked before you started talking to this woman on the phone "guys, do you think I should start dating someone, to the point where I call them my GF?" I think you know what the answer would be.

Maybe you will buck the odds and this will work out. But if you look up D statistics for 1st, 2nd and 3rd marriages, I think you'd be shocked at what you see. 2nd and 3rd marriages fail at even higher rate than 1st marriages. I think that is a telling statistic.

[Traveler]

usually a R this quick after a D is a recipe for.. hurt kids.

Steve, it's simpler than that. Set aside the odds against any particular person working out--especially adding in you've only been on 1-2 dates, are a rebound, have tons of baggage, and are long distance. You want a GF. Your kids do NOT need to be involved. They don't need a new mom. They don't need to wonder what GF's role may be. They don't need the instability of people coming and going in their life. You have all your kid-free days (and kid-free moments on kid days) to focus on your need for a GF.

It's simple. Don't announce your GF on social media, to your XW, or to others likely to tell your kids. Don't call GF in front of your kids. Don't give your kids gifts from your GF. Keep adding to this list as-needed to ensure your dating life does not impact your kids. You can't undo that they know, but you can stop all of the above to downplay her--and stop gift exchanges, stop mentioning her, etc.

I dont date for the sake of getting laid. Its not part of my beliefs, nothing wrong with those who do, just personally I dont like making temporary sexual/romantic connections with people unless they are with a purpose. Id prefer to be alone rather than invite several women into my life for "fun". Some would call me co-dependant but lots of those people have multiple women they date and lie to one another about

I'm having date #5 with MsTallChemist tonight and had date #5 with MsDoGooder last week. They are 2 of 6 women I've dated this month. I'm a true multi-dater! I've been intimate with none of them and they both know there are others. Why so many women, why so many dates? To get to know them and find a great match! How many do my kids know about? Zero. I bet both ladies would bolt if I were crazy enough to propose it! Dating is the process of getting to know someone to see if they might be a great match. (:

[Traveler]

But also the fact that you were afraid to shut the door on an awesome person. I guarantee you that if you had told this woman "sorry, I am not ready for an R right now", that in a year or two or whenever, when you were ready to date again, there would be other awesome people out there to meet. The fact that you think this woman is awesome in such a short amount of time has me wondering if you went from one over-attachment (your EX) to another (your GF). You've known her for what can be measured in weeks, and you are already talking like you are ready to marry her and have kids (or maybe in the reverse order!).

Absolutely. If you truly believe you're a man of high value, your fear of losing a woman of high value shouldn't be too high, because there are many out there, and there will be many out there in a year. Committing before a first date smacks of a scarcity mindset, fear, and low self-esteem. Low value.

[wayfarer]

So let me get this straight you're GF is a good Christian girl who hasn't been married, has no kids, and is in nursing school right now. So how much younger than you is she?

I know you think you know you and everything is fine. And the kids are fine. And exW is fine. And exW's new beau is fine. The exIL's are fine. And new GF are fine. It's not fine. Literally none of this seems fine except maybe ex-wife doing pretty much what I would expect her to do.

You don't drag your kids into your first post D relationship within weeks. It's been weeks. This is just god awful parenting. Yeah your new at this but this is pretty common sense stuff. My daughter knew my now H. She had been around him for years as we had been friends. She was also 10 almost 11 at the time not 5, and I still waited 5 months to bring him around outside of normal group interactions that she would expect him to be there for and I definitely didn't start spilling my guts about my shiny new bf who wasn't her dad. It's weird. It's caustic behavior. And as a psych nurse I would think you would understand how confusing and traumatic this time in their lives are. You don't need to muddy it more with another side plot.

As far as exW and exIL's. I'm very close with my exIL's. They have done a lot for me and my daughter as I was a teenager when I had her. Granted I think some of that in later years was guilt over how poorly their son treated us. But most if of it is simply that they are good people and family is forever. They check on my grandparents. They were so supportive when my mom passed. They just brought me and my husband a housewarming gift and wanted a tour of the new house when they came to pick up D18. We have and have had a very healthy happy relationship. But when I left my ex, in the process of the D, and immediately after the D we kept our distance. Only spending time together if it was specifically related to my daughter. Because that's what's normal. Breathing room is expected and necessary at this time in your life. It's weird you're not taking it.

My exH has unmedicated mental health issues. He's a functioning addict/alcoholic. He treated me like crap and in turn I was a horribly toxic person because frankly I was too scared, too broke, and too hopeful for my own good to just leave so lashed out in awful ways. We are not friends. We will never be friends. But we are friendly. Our daughter just graduated high school and we enjoyed each other's company during the ceremony. But you can't imagine the sigh of relief I felt when he decided he was driving back home an hour away instead of coming to dinner with us. Not because I can't stand him, but the veneer wears off. He will grate my nerves if we start exceeding 4 hours. Because he's just as crappy a person as he ever was. He's just not in my space any more. He checks in on D18 regularly. Sends me funny meme occasionally. But that's pretty much it. I have friends. I don't need him as one. And once again in the immediate period of the D we did not hang out. We did not send funny memes. We were not friendly. That first year ee functioned on business only at all times.

You are incredibly enmeshed in this family and with your stbxw. You need to get your co-dependency in check. An you really shouldn't be in a relationship with some 20 something who's looking for a husband. None of this has a happy ending for anyone involved here.

It's your life. Do what you will. But nothing you're saying makes any sense for the emotional health of anyone important here. I really truly do hope you're in IC.

[Steve_]

Well, to address some of this here. I’ll make it short and to the point.

I keep my IL’s close because when my kids are not with me they are with them, living in their home, and they have supported me and the kids 100%. They disagree with D but can do nothing about it. They provide the safe environment my Ex did not when she catapulted the children Into living with OM. I’m glad they are stable there and I want them to remain there down the street safe and 2 mins away as long as possible. This is why I am active with them. (I do not hang out EW) I do not contact her unless she calls about them or the IL’s moving to Arizona needing help. That’s it. (LH19 you said some time ago the ex wanted to friend zone me and I didn’t see it, now that I have accepted it, things are a lot better and pleasant). Should have done that long time ago.

Also, GF again I’ve known for 3 months, my mother and sister have known her for years.. her past relationships all of it, her and my sister are best friends. She is 31 not “20 something” she has a good career, good moral values and has a long record of being dependable, honest and a genuinely good person. That is why I didn’t pass her up.

I have gone out with other girls, 4 of them from work/ friends, they are the typical Instagram chicks, got kids from exes, or wear designer crap they cannot afford, had no real career or goals and spend zero time with god or in church. Just copies of my ex or close to them. A couple were a lot nicer and had decent jobs a couple other nurses but bo connection with god. And if they don’t answer to anyone then the morality Is not there… I won’t budge on that for any woman. I need that in my and my kids life in a partner.

I did not disclose my now GF to my kids, my ex did. I kept the fact I went out with other girls and I was talking to this one a total secret. Until a month ago I asked for days off to go out and the Ex found out somehow. I do not have ex on social media, I don’t have GF on social media. Her Facebook posts and mine are pretty much non-existent. She has met nobody on my side except my mom grandmother and sister from working with them for 6 years. I know I am 100% wrong and this is going to crash and I’m F’ing up in your all’s opinion. But I depend on nobody, I try to remain positive and maintain a graceful relationship with my Ex and and ex in-laws. I don’t need them but I don’t need issues. I rarely communicate just when things come up I will be pleasant. As far as my GF goes it’s not like she’s over at my house folks.. I just agreed to be exclusive with her for our religious purposes. Because that’s who I am, I don’t expect anyone else to respect that.

[SteveLW]

Steve_, please do not get upset. We are trying to help you. Again, you get to decide all of this. But we've seen all this before. I hope for you and your kids sake this all works out. I wish you the best, I really do.