Steve_, I honestly think that the perspectives here could really help you over the course of the next few months, and you might even learn quite a bit in the post D forum. But it is your call. I've enjoyed posting with you and reading your updates. Good luck my friend! I pray for nothing but the best for you in the go forward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The point Mr. B was trying to make is you are a person who makes decisions based on emotion and not logic and reason. These are characteristics of WAS and usually bad decisions. Logically you know you should WAW from your ex wife. Emotionally you are not there. We can see it clearly through your actions. You have never been able to clearly embrace DB and trust the process. You really need time to just breather and get up everyday, workout, work and take care of your kids for a really long time. You are 17 years younger then me and have plenty of time for new relationships. I know we have been tough on you at times but that is because we clearly see your intentions were not quite lining up with what you are saying.
Anyways good luck and stay in therapy as long as needed and realize your WW is going to continue to make your life miserable for a really long time.
Wanted to post an update. I considered how valuable these forums have been and I dont want to just "wing-it" going forward. Still doing IC, and GAL, lots of awesome stuff with my kids, working overtime every week. Doing well. Exercising and so on. Life is good. Helping my buddies through nursing school and lots of fishing, driving RC trucks when I can sneak in a day off. But a couple things have changed which added to my life. (Sorry will be long/ been awhile).
During the process of this divorce about month 7 after EW left I began talking to my sisters best friend on the phone. At first just to chit-chat. Nonsense, stuff about being nurses, just whatever. That went on for another 2 months. Meanwhile I continued to push out the legal stuff for the D, signed it and finalized it. Once I felt like I was done, everything was over legally and I was just going to worry about my kids and a better job thats about when my now GF ended up sort of falling into my life. I waited until all the paperwork was paid off and finished to go to dinner with her (for moral/religious reasons). Anyways, I know it is not recommended by most here, that being alone for 8 months was not quite enough for some of you I just felt open to whatever god had planned for me. I was reluctant especially after all the crap I had gone through but I just sort of allowed things to flow naturally. Never went to bars or got on apps or any of that crap. I planned on being devastated and alone for years. I was not looking for anyone. But here I am and I did not expect to be in this postion. Anyways I wanted to kind of post an update on the post D, Whats going on with me and EW and kids and see if you guys think Im okay or I need to fix stuff. Im open to the commentary and do appreciate it as long as its constructive.
So on the EW front. Essentially I was done waiting on her to fool around with OM or pretend to be single when they "split up" about 90 days after she left me for him, This was in Jan, she was now "single" again and she went on this "dont wanna be with anyone thing" but the entire time over the next bout 4 months she still saw OM here and there and so on. She CANNOT be without some kind of R. (I was surprised she did not try to reconcile, but Im glad she didnt now). So in the end of april before I met my now GF I informed EX that I was completing the D, that I would eat the remaining fee and that I was sick of waiting on her to figure her life out and I wanted to move on and allow someone else to be possible if that works out since she was not interested in fixing the M. (Immidiately upon hearing this she returned to OM..again..lol).
As I told yall I met with my now GF for dinner and everything was great, it is effortless, we talk about anything and anything, she knows the entirety of my sitch, and is up on current events. I left nothing in the closet because I wanted to be up front, if she cannot handle it she can go, point blank and period. GF is very supportive but does worry about how crazy the EW is and it does concern her at times us dealing with her in the future if things work out. I understand that, the EW is nuts and makes terrible choices to be fair. Otherwise we talk daily, we read christian based books and videos about healthy relationships together. Last time she visited me beginning of June she gave me a book from a pastor she follows and had a lot of the things important to her highlighted. She is a great communicator and doesnt sugar-coat what she wants/expects. Its the type of deal where we were really great friends before she visited me a few times and an R just sort of happened due to attraction/compatibility. She does live about 5 hours away and is currently in school (she just moved there) and she has NOT met my kids. Her and I discussed how eventually it would be essential but we both understand that children must be protected from major drastic life changes. My GF is very private, not into social media, we dont post things up of us or anything and we have only been in this R for about a month and she is very slow-paced about it and deliberate as I am. She told me her goal is an M and children, a good nursing career, and she isnt interested in casual dating, she is a devout christian and those are all things I've wanted myself as well. My kids know about her, know her name, and want to meet her but I wont allow it. (Ive only known her about 90 days) not long enough. My EW knows about her and seems really happy for me and supportive, my ex-IL's know as well and are really happy for me, my friends and family and everyone is really behind me. It was her birthday today and I have to work but I will travel to see her next week, my children made her birthday cards, my EW even offered to let me use her car since it is a lot more reliable for the long-distance drive (i declined of course) but it was nice.
The EW has now broken up with OM again, in lieu of a new OM, this guy is no BS a celebrity from hollywood, he is a producer and rapper of european style music. He is in his 40's and has a couple kids, has been D'd before. I found out about this guy because he bought my son a playstation 5 and offered the EW a new car, tried to gift things to me which I declined, but he did have EW call me and face-timed me, he was pleasant, and very interested to meet me. He highly seeks my approval I can tell. I could not believe it when this happened as I have heard the guy's music before and i was like.... wtf... has my life become reality TV? Anyways, this new OM has met the family, my kids, even me all in the span of two weeks....... I talked to my GF about how insane that is, she agrees. Her and I have gone 3 months without even planning a meet anyone and they just fired it off like willy nilly. How insane my EW is with just not planning her life, not considering the future and not even realizing how volitile this all is.
I did attempt to talk to her in a friendly way about it. She was receptive, I told her to be really careful with this guy, because people like that have a flavor of the month, and I really dont think it would be appropriate to have him around the kids before she understands if this is a healthy long-term kind of thing. She said "I am being careful" but literally had him over with her and the kids at the IL's place where they live. Sure he seems like a nice guy, but I know all about "nice guys" and this dude has a bugatti... this could get real ugly real quick.. I trust nothing about this. I have begun documenting all this for court purposes in case it goes sideways. I included the parts about the OM. I cross my fingers and hope for the best and I do truly hope my EW is happy and in a good R with this guy but its doubful based on her track record...
I was invited to fathers day dinner at the IL's house, my EW and I are nothing more than friends, she will occasionally call to ask how Im doing, offer to pick up little things if i need them, the H/W issues are pretty much dead. So with her things are cool, she even got my GF a gift to give to her and told me that she hopes to be friends some day. The GF said yeah "maybe in the very distant future when she gets healthy"..
For now Ill go to the dinner with the family, her new OM will be there, itll be good to get to know who is around my kids (even though I got no choice) i figured if he is willing to be friendly ill keep my friends close and enemies closer kinda deal. I trust no-one with my children not even thier own mother.
For now im not planning on doing anything drastic, just taking life day by day, focusing on myself, my kids, working on that NGS, and reading books about healthy R's. Exercising, looking at getting a better job, applied a few places. Doing the best I can to just keep my head up and try to remain happy with as much crazy as everyone else can be.
Last edited by Steve_; 06/16/2108:02 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Ive only known her about 90 days.. we have only been in this R for about a month.. she is very slow-paced about it and deliberate as I am.. My kids know about her, know her name, and want to meet her.. It was her birthday today and I have to work but I will travel to see her next week, my children made her birthday cards...
Oh, Steve. I'll let someone else explain why this is harmful for your kids. I truly wish you the best and am glad you posted an update. May this lady be a bit less crazy than your last GF. (:
I got that cwarrior, but my kids were just curious who I was talking to on the phone. For my daughters birthday she got her a simple gift. Again I know that it can be a really bad idea to introduce children to a person who may be a transition only, which is exactly why I have not let them meet, face time, anything. The only thing the kids know about the GF is her name and it was her birthday so they wanted to make little cards to add to a gift box I was putting together. Thats the extent of it. And thats after 3 months. I do not plan on introducing them to her or anyone to her for a long time, once I know where my life is going and that she will be part of that. For now there is no point to brady bunch things like that.
I still dont get how the EW can have this dude over like that, him buying them all these elaborate gifts, only hanging around him for less than two weeks but I guess his celebrity status overrides logic and common sense, even my in laws are okay with it.... crazy...
Last edited by Steve_; 06/16/2108:44 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I got that cwarrior, but my kids were just curious who I was talking to on the phone. For my daughters birthday she got her a simple gift. Again I know that it can be a really bad idea to introduce children to a person who may be a transition only, which is exactly why I have not let them meet, face time, anything. The only thing the kids know about the GF is her name and it was her birthday so they wanted to make little cards to add to a gift box I was putting together. Thats the extent of it. And thats after 3 months.
29 days ago you told STBXW you two were friends for 2 months, and after you divorced you planned to pursue her. Your first date was set for two weeks later. To be in a relationship a month means you declared yourselves in a relationship within a day or two, well before going on your first date. How many dates have you been on? Is this your first long-distance relationship? I'm guessing so. Many people are hesitant to have a second. Read up on them. Some work, but they're often more fantasy than substance.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I got that cwarrior, but my kids were just curious who I was talking to on the phone.
If protecting kids trumps dates, phone calls happen outside the kids' earshot or not at all. Yesterday, I went for a sunset walk to find time to talk to one of my ladies for 14 minutes. I'll admit I have not always been so mature, but my kids don't know (probably--kids are clever!) I'm on date 5-6 with two different women. (:
Originally Posted by Steve
For my daughters birthday she got her a simple gift.
If protecting kids trumps dates, gifts are not shared so soon. Years ago when a 5yr friend, 2mo lover gave me a gift, I said something along the lines of "Thank you, it's too soon, but I appreciate the effort. I'll save it for Christmas." We weren't dating by Christmas. I eventually donated it.
Steve, you can date without exposing your kids. Just prioritize that and it'll happen.
I started talking to my sisters long-time best friend march 19th. Everything for the "d" was done as far as I had known at that time. Minus a filing fee which I refused to pay. I did not meet in person my GF until april 28th. And her and I agreed to date exclusively 5/31.
I went down to the L's office to pay the damn filing fee so XW couldnt hold it over my head april 28th. Before I went to meet her. Couple things that allowed me to be okay with this was that 1). My family has known this girl for years, knows her habits and was part of her daily life. They vouch for her, they like and trust her over the course of those years. 2). She is a person of faith and that is central to our R. There was zero of that with the EW. No moral compass.
I dont date for the sake of getting laid. Its not part of my beliefs, nothing wrong with those who do, just personally I dont like making temporary sexual/romantic connections with people unless they are with a purpose. Id prefer to be alone rather than invite several women into my life for "fun". Some would call me co-dependant but lots of those people have multiple women they date and lie to one another about like Rollo Tomassi says "spinning plates" or CW, etc etc....
For me I was 100% interested in saving my M until I realized that was a bad idea. That it would never change, and even if it did I couldnt forget what was done and how bad it got. The reason my kids got exposed was because of XW. I asked her to watch the children for me so I could go out of town. (first time ever in the 9 months we been seperated). She made assumptions and told my kids "daddy has a girlfriend" to take the guilt off of herself for having a boyfriend since before BD.
I sat down with my kids and asked them what they had heard, asked them how they felt about it, asked them if they were angry or wanted me to wait longer. Both of them told me they want me to be happy and feel I tried everything for their mom. It was sobering really. So due to the kid's mom blasting this issue into my kids life and them being okay with it, I didnt really feel the need to hide it. Especially since I dont plan on dating multiple come and go girls. She got into my life because she has a career, no kids, a strong faith, and is very supportive and actually encourages me to grow as a individual. We have been "official" but only between us, no social media, no posts of any pics nothing like that.
Yes the long-distance thing is rough. But I feel like it is okay because I dont need a woman literally in the middle of my life at this time. And I also belive that if God placed her in my life and this is meant to be then it will be, if not I will learn from it and keep going solo. Im okay with either. I feel alright about this girl since she has been close to my family and is a good person on all 4 corners, not just rose-colored glasses, we talk hard-ball questions, its not a teenage fling.
Maybe not the best time to start an R, her and I both agreed. But one thing we also realized was this. (pardon if you arent religious).
Adam was given Eve by god after he had been on his purpose tending to the garden. He had worked to maintain it and did well, and at some point after being alone God gave Adam his partner Eve. The bible doesnt say how long Adam waited for her, and its good, because if there was a time line I bet a lot of people would take that like literal dating timelines. I still worry that its all too good to be true, and it probably is, but I deserve a partner like this girl has been and who's goals are similar to mine. And so far I have no reason to pass it up (yet).
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
The not sarcastic point is your kids I trying to deal with the divorce and you are both already with other people. This will be confusing to them. You ex is definitely a circus act so as you’ve been told many times before you need to be the rock. Again you ask for feedback and we give it.
As for your in-laws being ok with the rapper. Did you ever hear the saying the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?
Definately LH, I see that right away, dude is allowed to fast forward since he has $$ thats a cultural thing for sure. Materialist people these types are.
As far as the kids go, I know its soon, but I do my very best to ensure they are okay with things and comfortable. Thats my duty as a dad. Far as mom goes, me and my GF believe she is gonna run off with this dbag and end up giving me the kids just about full time, (hopefully).
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
