Why is the "friend" bit so perplexing? He wants to tell you the meaningful parts of his week, but they involve her, and if he said "fiance" or "my love" he probably worries you'd be hurt and talk to him less. Heck, years ago when I remember 1st dates asking "Why do you look so sunburned?" then "Who did you go with?" I sometimes said "an acquaintance." They always took the hint and I didn't have to clarify I was on another date. You both know who "the friend" is. Since you're the one who feels awkward, the onus is on you to change this dynamic. As you continue forming this friendship, if you don't want to talk about her, set that boundary. If you're okay with it, strip away the charade to show him you're comfortable. If he says, "My friend and I had a good time moving this week", say "I'm glad you and Betty had a good time moving this week." You just need to find what works for you. Maybe you find "friend" easier to process than either alternative and he's read you right. If that's the case, keep on keeping on. Detaching is a process. (:
That's just it - I have called him out more than once. He goes above and beyond to continue the charade. I finally got to the point I literally said "I'm not sure I understand why you need to lie to me but I accept the fact that you feel that you do" I could literally say your taking X or it was X and her daughter and her other daughter lives with you... and he would literally still deny deny deny deny.
I don't waste any energy any more. I accept whatever his need to lie to me is and move forward.
During the truck ride he was giving his opinion when I mentioned downsizing. I mentioned selling high and waiting for the market to soften before buying and he was giving me all kinds of advice. Telling me to wait and hold my equity and get the lakehouse I wanted when I retire... that was OUR dream when we first got married... its not necessarily my dream but I kept my mouth closed and just let him rant.
After his text Friday at 6am he again offerred tons of advice that I did not ask for. He said "you will hate commuting from X town"... "you should look here"... I didn't respond to any of that. I was not asking for his help or his opinion.
As for the activity on this board... I feel the decline is really due to the amount of negativity in general. I'm not pointing any fingers to anyone... its a very broad generalization.
More than once someone has felt personally attacked and decided to leave.
I think its important to realize that there is more than one way to slice an apple. Negative thoughts beget negative actions... I think that if you feel to focus on more positives... things tend to positively improve. Mindset is soooo important when going through a major trauma.
I think there needs to be more focus on inclusivity... because frankly there are things touted on this board that are not in line with MWD principles. MWD tends to focus on small steps and small goals and positives where sometimes on this board you are being cut down by someone else's personal opinion.
There are other boards out there - some better... some worse... but I think the ones with most success tend to help someone focus on positives... and taking small wins.
Again - this is just my opinion.
Dear KitCat,
I wanted to reply to your message without side-tracking Steve's thread.
First, I hope my posts to you have always felt more positive than negative--I believe you're a kind person most of the time and I wish for your happiness. If that wasn't clear before, I hope that's clear now.
Second, I hear you that we have a mix of members--some are blunter, some are more diplomatic, some are quicker to correct, some are quicker to empathize. Each subforum here has a radically different mix of regulars. I'd love to see you stick around and try a non-newcomers subforum if this mix isn't working for you.
Third, when a forum member seems off-course compared to the DB/MWD advice, I imagine it feels like a huge pile of 2x4s. Let's get to a specific. When your STBXH first moved away from you and in with OW, nearly everyone felt the best move to R was to go dark and remove yourself as plan B. The baby steps you were doing--"I went 1 day NC!" then "I went 2 days NC!" seemed more likely to help him ween himself off of you. What would have made you more successful, or what would have made you feel more supported, in terms of forum responses?
I wasn't necessarily referring to my thread or just myself... its an overall impression of where the board's direction has been in the previous several months.
Every board will have outliers for sure.
But there are many here who want to put their personal convictions upon you. I'm not looking to single anyone out but lets say there is someone who says... never take a cheater back... YET most of us here are experiencing some form of that... then they like to draw lines in the sand... well never take a PA back... yet, then many a point can be made that often times EA's can be more damaging than PA's. So their advice is heavily handed with their own personal convictions which may not be yours.
Sure --- I was under a great deal of gas lighting... and it took some time for me to get past that.
Yes, I very much needed to take the focus off of my H and put it back on myself.
But, to be given advice that my H is a cheater and how dumb to even want to improve that situation and made to feel bad because I did is NOT the undertone of the principles of this board at all.
I wasn't trying to imply that I'm leaving the board but making a general overview of what I have witnessed and why this board has lost a lot of steam.
IDK what would have made my situation better. Here I am 16months out and he still makes some kind of contact every 9 days. I probably might have been better served a year ago to stop contact but there were still several business items that needed to be addressed. I'm 100% certain had I cut all contact I would be D right now. I'm certain that the way I handled things has bought myself time... 16mo I'm still not D. That's more time for him to figure out that his current lifestyle is the bomb or maybe not so much.
Hard to say... maybe my D is final by the end of July??? Or maybe not...
What I can say with 100% certainly is that he doesn't hate me. If I had an emergency and needed to contact him - he would answer ---- now please know I'm not contacting him unless its a business matter so really I'm not contacting him at all.
I know the random texts/pics he sent when on vacation with her... were breadcrumbs... so I made sure to send them right back! What I can say with 100% certainty is that both times he was on a wonderful vacation with HER... he was contacting me because he was thinking about me.
I have accepted where he is at right now.
I'm also staying busy learning a new instrument... hitting outside music venues... meeting new people... hiking more... getting to the pool as much as I can...
But there are many here who want to put their personal convictions upon you. I'm not looking to single anyone out but lets say there is someone who says... never take a cheater back... YET most of us here are experiencing some form of that... then they like to draw lines in the sand... well never take a PA back... yet, then many a point can be made that often times EA's can be more damaging than PA's. So their advice is heavily handed with their own personal convictions which may not be yours.
I believe you are referring to Steve. He views EAs different to PAs. He has a right to do that. It doesn't mean they have to be your beliefs.
Originally Posted by KitCat
IDK what would have made my situation better. Here I am 16months out and he still makes some kind of contact every 9 days. I probably might have been better served a year ago to stop contact but there were still several business items that needed to be addressed. I'm 100% certain had I cut all contact I would be D right now. I'm certain that the way I handled things has bought myself time... 16mo I'm still not D. That's more time for him to figure out that his current lifestyle is the bomb or maybe not so much.
I think if you were D'd it would help you move on. I think you are back in denial again. You had a very toxic relationship that would most likely need many years of intense therapy to fix. NC is for your detachment.
Originally Posted by KitCat
What I can say with 100% certainly is that he doesn't hate me. If I had an emergency and needed to contact him - he would answer ---- now please know I'm not contacting him unless its a business matter so really I'm not contacting him at all.
Most WWs don't hate their exs. They just don't want to be married anymore. I am sure he would help you if you needed it. He's indifferent.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I know the random texts/pics he sent when on vacation with her... were breadcrumbs... so I made sure to send them right back! What I can say with 100% certainty is that both times he was on a wonderful vacation with HER... he was contacting me because he was thinking about me.
What you are are doing is displaying low value. I 'm surprised with your research you don't see it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I have accepted where he is at right now.
Have you?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm also staying busy learning a new instrument... hitting outside music venues... meeting new people... hiking more... getting to the pool as much as I can...
“Love is playful and fun. Love is freedom. Love is allowing. Love is giving without expectations or attachment to any outcome. Being unattached to any outcome does not mean there is a lack of desire, it just means that you are not hijacked and controlled by your desire. You are simply okay with any and all outcomes because you have faith that eventually, the right person or the right opportunity will effortlessly manifest after consistent effort to make your desires a reality. Self-love means that you want what’s best for you and you want and will only accept those who want you also. Why? Because it is demeaning, degrading and disrespectful to yourself to try to keep those in your life who don’t want to keep you in theirs. Self-love is choosing to only spend your time where you are celebrated, cherished and welcome, instead of where you are simply tolerated.” LH19
But there are many here who want to put their personal convictions upon you. I'm not looking to single anyone out but lets say there is someone who says... never take a cheater back... YET most of us here are experiencing some form of that... then they like to draw lines in the sand... well never take a PA back... yet, then many a point can be made that often times EA's can be more damaging than PA's. So their advice is heavily handed with their own personal convictions which may not be yours.
I believe you are referring to Steve. He views EAs different to PAs. He has a right to do that. It doesn't mean they have to be your beliefs.
Of course... he is free to what he believes but post after post on many peoples thread... his constant theme was NEVER TAKE BACK A CHEATER... can't understand why anyone here would take back a cheater.
THIS^^^ is NOT in line with MWD principles AND I think the number of times it was posted ((and not just my thread)) was extremely harmful to those here looking for options/hope/direction.
For that reason his personal conviction should be put aside if he is on a board where that is NOT an outlined principle.
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
IDK what would have made my situation better. Here I am 16months out and he still makes some kind of contact every 9 days. I probably might have been better served a year ago to stop contact but there were still several business items that needed to be addressed. I'm 100% certain had I cut all contact I would be D right now. I'm certain that the way I handled things has bought myself time... 16mo I'm still not D. That's more time for him to figure out that his current lifestyle is the bomb or maybe not so much.
I think if you were D'd it would help you move on. I think you are back in denial again. You had a very toxic relationship that would most likely need many years of intense therapy to fix. NC is for your detachment.
I am NOT contacting my STBXH to chat about the price of gold in Spain.
My contact is limited to business items.
Now - I did make the choice to respond to his non-business text. I allow my STBXH speak to me of m stepkids and vice versa. The puppy has been managed and unless an emergency or he asks me to pet sit there won't be any more contact over that in a year. He has alternatives for pet sitters... I do know this. But, that dog means a great deal to me.
No one has a crystal ball. Where would I be if I was already D??? Probably in a relationship that I should not be... so here I am... 16months and no D. STBXH has had the D paperwork for 3 weeks. Its in his court.
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
What I can say with 100% certainly is that he doesn't hate me. If I had an emergency and needed to contact him - he would answer ---- now please know I'm not contacting him unless its a business matter so really I'm not contacting him at all.
Most WWs don't hate their exs. They just don't want to be married anymore. I am sure he would help you if you needed it. He's indifferent.
Funny... when he was here to pick up the dog. He made a point of discussing how his XW was at his mother's bday party... he was NOT pleased. He HATES her.
I think I'd rather have what I have now... than to think he hates me.
But, I think that says more about who I am as a person. I have so many guys who I've stayed in contact with who were guys who wanted to date me or vice versa... I can't think of anyone who I just don't talk to anymore save my son's father and pilot... those are truly the only 2 in 50yr.
[quote]
Originally Posted by KitCat
I know the random texts/pics he sent when on vacation with her... were breadcrumbs... so I made sure to send them right back! What I can say with 100% certainty is that both times he was on a wonderful vacation with HER... he was contacting me because he was thinking about me.
What you are are doing is displaying low value. I 'm surprised with your research you don't see it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I have accepted where he is at right now.
Have you? [/qutoe]
My responding to a text that he sent is not stating I'm low value.
Me contacting him over non-business items... stating I miss him... does he miss me... does he think about me... can we try again.
^^^That states low value.
I have accepted where he is at --- He sent me pictures while on vacation. Doesn't mean he wants me back. Just means for whatever reason he thought about reaching out.
