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Originally Posted by mako
We are going out to lunch and I got her flowers. Like I said, low key but acknowledging the day.

Yikes! Nothing says "friend zone" like lunch on an Anniversary.

So one of the turning points in my sitch when I was in limbo was for Valentines Day my ex got me a card that I think was meant for a friend. That was my aha moment where I was like I got to just get out of this now. A month later she proposed nesting and I opted for divorce.

Anyways you have young kids so I understand you may want to play this out as long as possible. I still think you may have missed your opportunity by letting her back too easy. Gordie has thread in MLC in regards to letting his W back too easy. I think he is still in limbo 5 years later. Yo are not updating so I am assuming there is no movement.

Good luck with the lunch date!


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Originally Posted by LH19

Yikes! Nothing says "friend zone" like lunch on an Anniversary.


Well it was my idea, so I guess I've friend zoned her?

Originally Posted by LH19

So one of the turning points in my sitch when I was in limbo was for Valentines Day my ex got me a card that I think was meant for a friend. That was my aha moment where I was like I got to just get out of this now. A month later she proposed nesting and I opted for divorce.

Anyways you have young kids so I understand you may want to play this out as long as possible. I still think you may have missed your opportunity by letting her back too easy. Gordie has thread in MLC in regards to letting his W back too easy. I think he is still in limbo 5 years later. Yo are not updating so I am assuming there is no movement.

Good luck with the lunch date!


This makes sense. No there is no movement. Much of my problem is that I am not sure exactly what I want, so I am trying to figure that out. Some days I am ready to just be done and move on with my life. Other days I'm not. The former is more permanent (yes I know nothing is necessarily permanent) so I won't choose that until I know I'm ready. But I haven't had the a ha moment yet. Maybe neither of us is all in right now and maybe I let her back too easy. Honestly, I was all in at the end of April, but as she waits I drift further towards wanting to to move on. I really doubt I'll still be in this same place in 5 years. I gave myself a year but I don't think it will be that long.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I personally tried to ignore my anniversary last year, but H wanted to recognize it. I told him I had plans that didn't include him. He told me to cancel them, it's a weird day, but we should do something. My best friends sent me flowers. H bought me dinner. It's turned out well but all of it was an internal struggle. I'm very interested in finding out what your W decided to do to mark the day.

Fun fact: "Traditionally, the 10th year of marriage is marked with tin or aluminum. Both materials represent the durability and flexibility needed to sustain a loving union."

Good luck Mako. I'll be thinking about you.


Thanks! I kinda wanted to ignore it, but also kinda didn't. I actually ignored Valentine's Day this year, this was about one week before BD. Her feelings were already pretty clear and I was curious if she'd do anything if I didn't first. She ignored it also. But I didn't feel good about it, so I decided I didn't want to ignore this.

I'm curious too if she will do anything. I'm trying to live without expectations but I tend to overthink things.


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Originally Posted by mako
This makes sense. No there is no movement. Much of my problem is that I am not sure exactly what I want, so I am trying to figure that out. Some days I am ready to just be done and move on with my life. Other days I'm not. The former is more permanent (yes I know nothing is necessarily permanent) so I won't choose that until I know I'm ready. But I haven't had the a ha moment yet. Maybe neither of us is all in right now and maybe I let her back too easy. Honestly, I was all in at the end of April, but as she waits I drift further towards wanting to to move on. I really doubt I'll still be in this same place in 5 years. I gave myself a year but I don't think it will be that long.

I get it. Its tough when you have young kids. It just frustrates me that your W has the nerve to try dating then when it doesn't work out to try to slide back into the marriage. Talk about making a mockery out of marriage. Probably why I will never get married again.


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Originally Posted by mako
Much of my problem is that I am not sure exactly what I want, so I am trying to figure that out. Some days I am ready to just be done and move on with my life. Other days I'm not. The former is more permanent (yes I know nothing is necessarily permanent) so I won't choose that until I know I'm ready. But I haven't had the a ha moment yet. Maybe neither of us is all in right now and maybe I let her back too easy. Honestly, I was all in at the end of April, but as she waits I drift further towards wanting to to move on. I really doubt I'll still be in this same place in 5 years. I gave myself a year but I don't think it will be that long.
Limbo is just as much for you as it is for her, so you're probably right maybe neither of you are both totally in. And that's ok. There isn't some loss of power here biding your time as well You can just as easily walk away as her. Take your time. Feel good and solid in your decision whatever that may be. Unless the WS is one of those magically motivated ones you have time on your side. That drop dead date is for you and it's yours to change whenever you feel like it.
Originally Posted by mako
I'm curious too if she will do anything. I'm trying to live without expectations but I tend to overthink things.
You can have curiosity with out expectation. Wondering if she'll do something is different than expecting her to do something. I can remember a LBH like a year ago was aghast his WW couldn't be bothered with any effort on their anniversary after he did X, Y, Z and after weeks of people on the board telling him to not expect anything or do anything expecting a payout. As long as lunch an flowers is done without the expectation of return then it's simply that. You chose to acknowledge the day given it's a milestone. She either does or doesn't. You take it into account but be detached enough, and without expectation it's then simply a factor not an incident on your journey here.

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
[Limbo is just as much for you as it is for her

This is so true! The number one thing that makes it such a different of an experience is DETACHMENT. WWs have it and LBS do not.

Last edited by LH19; 06/11/21 04:25 PM.

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Wise words from wayfarer on limbo and expectations.



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Originally Posted by mako
We are going out to lunch and I got her flowers.


Every response I want to post to you is sarcastic. Which indicates that I am frustrated. Out of all the choices you have, why do you believe that lunch and flowers is the best choice?

Maybe I misunderstand what the current state of your relationship is. Do you want this woman as a lover? I go to lunch with my mom and bring her flowers.

Women need some type of fun or excitement in there lives. My job is to be that source for my lady. What is your role in your relationship? After the lunch date, will she desire you more?

What are you plans for the evening? Will it be fun and exciting? Are you going out alone? Will she be invited?


I am not looking for answers to these questions. They are for you to reflect on.


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mako,
Not to pile on, but I tend to agree with LH and R2C.

Originally Posted by mako
Originally Posted by LH19
Yikes! Nothing says "friend zone" like lunch on an Anniversary.
Well it was my idea, so I guess I've friend zoned her?

Actually, isn't it usually the "friend-zone'd" guy who's asking the about making plans with the woman who has friend zoned him? He'll persist on meeting up and doing things even though she repeatedly rebuffs his moves when they hang. She'll either meet up, but only as friends, or decline the invite altogether if she has a preferable option.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by mako
We are going out to lunch and I got her flowers.

Every response I want to post to you is sarcastic. Which indicates that I am frustrated. Out of all the choices you have, why do you believe that lunch and flowers is the best choice?

Maybe I misunderstand what the current state of your relationship is. Do you want this woman as a lover? I go to lunch with my mom and bring her flowers.

Women need some type of fun or excitement in there lives. My job is to be that source for my lady. What is your role in your relationship? After the lunch date, will she desire you more?

What are you plans for the evening? Will it be fun and exciting? Are you going out alone? Will she be invited?

I am not looking for answers to these questions. They are for you to reflect on.

During IHS I was pressuring Ex-W to have a "date night" and she was obviously not thrilled (or more accurately, she was disgusted) at the idea, but she finally agreed. My thought (and my counselors) was that if we spent time together and interacted more it would improve things. Being a year ago during the height of COVID we ordered take out from a fancy local restaurant and she quickly said "I'll drive to get it" (without me) and then proceeded to stop the car to talk to our neighbors for a half hour, the food came back tepid, and we had a very basic conversation before she told me she didn't want to be there and went up to bed incredibly early (approx. 7:30pm). In retrospect, I wish I had the strength at never to suggest a date night and instead go out and do something myself.

Granted, the situation is slightly different in that my Ex-W clearly didn't want to be there and your W is at least backed off the D and said she's willing to try, but think the point is if she really was into trying she would be enthusiastic and make plans for the anniversary (or happily enhance the plans you've made). Are you getting a vibe she even wants to go to lunch, or has she simply agreed out of obligation? Because if it's the latter you may be better off going out and enjoying yourself rather than forcing something which won't help her perspective on the situation anyway.


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How did the anniversary lunch go?


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