Rebuilding and renewal - 4

[bttrfly]

a Jerry Reed reference is always welcome !

[kml]

Rumour told me that my ex has retired at 55 presumably helped by her windfall - but who knows the truth - I certainly don't.

Your ex is retired at 55? With alimony payments running out in what, 4 or 5 more years? Maybe she is, but doesn’t sound like the best financial move.

You probably could retire too when you’re done paying alimony - but just not at the lifestyle you prefer. Heck, you could get a couple of paying roommates and pay the house off at record speed. Or you could downsize to a one bedroom condo.

My point is just that, you have lots of options. Working until you’re seventy is just one choice. I’m making that choice but I love my work and I’m helping my kids in the long run. But I’m fully aware that I could make different choices and retire today if I was willing to make certain trade offs.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Andrew

I had presumed that because she had left for a man who presumably was financially better off than me that she'd just walk away from it all like DnJ's ex did.

Mine more ran away, pouring gas behind herself. Lit it on fire to destroy her tracks and simultaneously light up the world with her grand announcement.

Oh, and her OM is not financially better off. Not by a long shot.

She, your XW, and a great deal of people who run off to the siren’s call of the unicorn and fairies, are acting upon internal irrational pressures and forces. A rational presumption of a better financial position is not their driving factor, and often not the actual outcome. They are desperate. And desperate people do desperate things.

I am still planning on retiring at 55. 17 months and a few days away. Yaaaay!

I agree that we have choices. And yes retiring and having no money makes little cents. (giggle, must be early) When I’m able to, I’ve looked to choose time over money. And by the way, retire from this career doesn’t mean I may not work elsewhere. Might even have two incomes then. A pension and side job / more hobby like. One could even end up making more, if that was one’s intent. For now, there are only a unknown and limited amount of sunrises and sunset left in my hourglass and I intend to not spend them working for extra dollars I can’t take with me anyhow.

I know you are a bright guy, and I trust your math skills. And I know you’ve got one of those newfangled mechanical adding machines (if not I’ve got two and you can borrow one ). It’s unfortunate that your gold mine shaft is 14 more years; although I’m not entirely sure of what was your original retirement plan. Maybe this only extended things 5 or so more years.

Anyhow, just dropped by on this raining storming morning. Take care my friend.

D

[AndrewP]

If I were clear of my "payments" which are alimony, mortgage and car (ordered by size) - which chew up roughly 1/2 of my disposable income, that comes to roughly my pension at 65 so my lifestyle presumably would be similar.

I'm down to I think 34 more alimony payments which ends on my 60th birthday. So an even shorter horizon than you suggest kml.

My ex can be good with money. I would joke that she could squeeze together two nickels and get a quarter. But she at least used to have poor money management practices. She'd pay less than the minimum payment thinking that the credit card company "would understand we're trying". We essentially went bankrupt about 16 years ago and got back on our feet thanks to some very helpful lenders. It was at that point that I started doing all the bill payments, got us on a solid budget, and started making more money more consistently which was part of our problem too.

I do agree with a lot of what DnJ said about choices not being the most rational and undoubtedly much of my opinions on this are my past attempts of making sense of what seems to me to be the insensible.

From the little I've heard about her - which isn't much - she is currently living very modestly. The all inclusive tropical vacations she insisted on each year aren't there. She still drives the responsible "Mom car" she had - that I ended up paying off after she left despite her yearning for a muscle car.

Given the other stories I've heard - again - no way to test their truth - she was let go from her job at the convenience store and then "retired" and does some book-keeping on the side. Could be sour grapes and a way to save face which would be very in character. Last I heard she still goes on to people about how she never cheated on me despite her telling lots of people she did and the body of evidence that I had. I'm honestly very surprised that she stayed in the area much less is living 5 minutes away from me. OM was living an hour north where all of his family is and her family is 2 hours east. Other than her liquor store job there really isn't much tying her to this area I would presume. A lot of her friends have told me that they don't hear from or about her and haven't for years. She was very social - going and drinking wine in a friend's back yard was her common thing every weekend.

Assuming she's using the alimony to pay down her mortgage on the small house in a bad neighbourhood she bought, she could be mortgage free even if OM isn't contributing anything about the time that the alimony runs out. I think it was Rod Stewart who once said that the next time around he'd just find a woman he doesn't like and buy her a house

But - not my issue. I have a solid agreement that I can live with even if I'd be happier not paying her anything. Next payment is due in 4 days - it will be sent on time.

It does show though that the OM/OW that our spouses have run off can certainly turn out to be rather less than they might have imagined in the heady days of the affair. Then she was bragging to her friends about what a wonderful time they would have together especially since he had a large insurance payout when his wife died. I presumed the same - he owned a milk and dairy products distribution business that presumably was successful, had a decent enough house in a larger community that was presumably worth a decent amount. I certainly was surprised when the house sold, he folded his business and he moved into her apartment over the liquor store.

[kml]

Sounds like your ex was penny wise and pound foolish during the marriage. My ex can be a bit the same, but since I managed the money, we stayed out of debt.

I, like you, am playing the divorce catch-up game. Two separate households always costs more than one. And since I choose to keep my kids in mind, helping them to stay in the middle class and leaving them each enough to at least help them buy a home or fund some retirement savings if/when I die, early retirement was not an option. (All three have physical and/or mental health issues which may prevent them from making more than a modest wage). As mentioned before, I don’t know if my kids will ever inherit or get any financial help from their father, even though he has considerably more money than I.

Still, I’m not complaining. I love my work, I’m happy enough with my lifestyle, and working longer gives me a better chance of not running out of money, since longevity runs in my family.

[LH19]

It was at that point that I started doing all the bill payments, got us on a solid budget, and started making more money more consistently which was part of our problem too.

So you making a budget and more money was part of your martial problems?

I do agree with a lot of what DnJ said about choices not being the most rational and undoubtedly much of my opinions on this are my past attempts of making sense of what seems to me to be the insensible.

If your ex wife is happy now then it was a good choice for her. If she is still unhappy then maybe not so much. I really is that simple.

From the little I've heard about her - which isn't much - she is currently living very modestly.

From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.

Given the other stories I've heard - again - no way to test their truth - she was let go from her job at the convenience store and then "retired" and does some book-keeping on the side.

From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.

Could be sour grapes and a way to save face which would be very in character.

Huh?

Last I heard she still goes on to people about how she never cheated on me despite her telling lots of people she did and the body of evidence that I had.

From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.

I'm honestly very surprised that she stayed in the area much less is living 5 minutes away from me.

Uuuummm doesn't your son live close by?

Other than her liquor store job there really isn't much tying her to this area I would presume.

See above.

A lot of her friends have told me that they don't hear from or about her and haven't for years.

From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.

I think it was Rod Stewart who once said that the next time around he'd just find a woman he doesn't like and buy her a house

Huh?

It does show though that the OM/OW that our spouses have run off can certainly turn out to be rather less than they might have imagined in the heady days of the affair.

What shows that?

Then she was bragging to her friends about what a wonderful time they would have together especially since he had a large insurance payout when his wife died.

From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.

I presumed the same - he owned a milk and dairy products distribution business that presumably was successful, had a decent enough house in a larger community that was presumably worth a decent amount.

From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.

I certainly was surprised when the house sold, he folded his business and he moved into her apartment over the liquor store.

From someone who has heard little you sure know a lot.

Chin up Andrew and keep moving forward. You are starting to get really fixated on your EXW again.

[AndrewP]

Chin up Andrew and keep moving forward. You are starting to get really fixated on your EXW again.

LOL - you seem pretty fixated on pointing out what a basket case I am and coming up with diagnosis.

[kml]

LH I don’t think it’s “fixated” to have a natural curiosity about how things turned out for someone we loved and lived with for such a long time. And when we have little information, it is tempting to piece together the clues. Frankly, it’s comforting to know things maybe aren’t all unicorns and ponies in their lives after they devastated our lives to go searching for unicorns.

I imagine in a small town that it’s impossible for Andrew to avoid hearing some bits and pieces. If I had stayed in our town I’m sure people would be “helpfully” sharing info with me too (but I moved 45 minutes away where nobody knows him!).

Most of what I hear about my ex comes from what my kids volunteer, and the tiny bit he has volunteered in a very very rare email about something else (like maybe once a year). Since the kids’ contact with their father is fairly minimal these days, it’s not much. I know he’s had health problems and both he and his wife have lost relatives. I know my ex’s parents are not in good health. I know my ex cries poor to my kids when his pension is more than I make working and I know for a fact his retirement account must have $1 million dollars in it. All of this is only relevant in that it shows proof that I was not the one making him unhappy and dissatisfied. Wherever he goes, there he is. When you’ve been gaslighted it’s good to see the daylight. And I don’t wish my ex harm, truly. It just makes me glad to be at the helm of my own ship.

[LH19]

LH I don’t think it’s “fixated” to have a natural curiosity about how things turned out for someone we loved and lived with for such a long time.

I think driving by her house and noting when her car is not there along with fake face book accounts is more then natural curiosity.

And when we have little information, it is tempting to piece together the clues.

Total waste of time and energy!

Frankly, it’s comforting to know things maybe aren’t all unicorns and ponies in their lives after they devastated our lives to go searching for unicorns.

Seems more like a waste of time and energy and not really what you want if you have children together. Happy mom=happy kids. I know easier said then done.

[pinn]

LH I don’t think it’s “fixated” to have a natural curiosity about how things turned out for someone we loved and lived with for such a long time.

In Andrew's case it is way more than natural curiosity. That is abundantly clear in his postings (and I think you know that) and until that is solved, it is going to be a problem for him.

Frankly, it’s comforting to know things maybe aren’t all unicorns and ponies in their lives after they devastated our lives to go searching for unicorns.

This is just total speculation. And Andrew has a way of turning speculation into fact over time. But, like most of us, we have no idea what the actual story is. Might she be miserable... yup. Might she be super happy... yup. Same is true for my ex. The speculation is pointless.