I made that assumption based on advice I already got on this board. I’ve been told I am so bad it will take me YEARS to date healthily. That was in a thread awhile back. I’m sure someone will drop in to reinforce it.
That would be me Steve. It is of my opinion you are still highly attached to your ex that cheated on you multiple times for the last 11 years. You are still trying to manipulate her back because you view it as the only way to be happy and ease the pain. So based on my observation and based on my experience of dating post divorce I feel 2 years of you focus on yourself and your kids which may make you ready to date. That of course doesn’t take into account the setbacks you will have when your ex starts messing with your opinion.
As SteveLW said this is my opinion and you can take my advice as you see fit.
I made that assumption based on advice I already got on this board. I’ve been told I am so bad it will take me YEARS to date healthily. That was in a thread awhile back. I’m sure someone will drop in to reinforce it.
This is why you need to be evaluated by a trained professional. The poster that told you that isn't a trained professional, and had not done a psych evaluation on you. They may be right. They may be wrong. The only way to know for sure is to get a professional to do a psych eval.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yep and yep. I understand what your saying LH, I get it. I do still do IC, just cause my divorce is over doesn’t mean my work is. Matter of fact I feel like I should push harder to hit my goals. That’s why I applied for the state jobs, and am lining up a better future that has nothing to do with XW. I don’t feel bad at all for her, this fallout was her call. It’s the kids that I worry about. But I feel like as long as I do my best job for them they will be okay. That’s all I really can do. I won’t let up now and just go back to old Steve that got ran over or got comfortable. All the reading, posting, books, videos, hours of chatting with family and friends over the past 8 months. That’s staying with me. Otherwise I have learned nothing.
Am I ready to be out there dating women, bringing them around my kids? Ready to move on with another woman as a serious part of a new R? No, but is it okay to have someone who is long distance to spend time with a couple days a month that we make each other happy and could lead to more over time? Sure. As long as I walk slowly and carefully. That’s my plan. I will continue building, if you are not growing your are dying.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Curious as to why you would feel bad for your EX wife? She seems to be happy and as you stated you want her to be happy so nothing to feel bad about.
As for dating the girl you are going to do what you’re going to do. You admit you were never good at taken advice so I certainly don’t except that to change. Maybe it works out and maybe it doesn’t. Only time will tell.
You statements just leave rational people shaking their heads.
You have been alone for 8 months ! - WTF ? Do you really thing that? - For 7.5 of these months you had ( and still have ) an unhealthy attachment / codependancy issue with WW.. Your reasoning / rational is just, well nil.. You act on emotion.
You know broken attracts broken - Yet you are dating. - emotion not rational.
When you stop posting and asking for advice on a weekly basis, and are ready to move on with your life without the need for help is a starting point - then add a minimum of 6 months to 2 years onto that date, before even thinking of dating.
Oh and you said WW asked as to why you wont be having the children - Becuase you have plans ?
Where is the rock in that Steve. If we believe your previous posts, WW is a poor excuse for a mother. You should be taking care of your children whenever you can - WW isnt a good mother, so you fight to spend as much time with them as you can ! oh but i need a life / i need to take my date out / i need to do my own thing / hmm i fancy a hike this weekend - No.. Wrong answer -
Your kids have seen to much - more than most seperations with manipulation from both you and WW... If your ex is the miserable excuse of a mother you make her out to be, you step up and have the children whenever you arent working. They have a mother who brushes them off when it suits, but now you decide not to have them so you can go on a hike - i suspect with this new woman ! - Sounds like the actions of a WW to me.
You want to see how a real father acts - A father who became the rock. Read josephs posts on his kids and WW. You are a millions miles from his action.
We are all wasting our time with you IMO.. Like i said, rational people are trying to reason with a WW mindset - and anybody on here knows your cant reason with emotion.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Agreed, Mr Brightside. Steve, if she’s a healthy person, she doesn’t need you to make her happy. I suspect you still struggle with the idea of being complete and happy without a romantic partner so you think that’s how others work, too. If you can set aside your selfish desire for her to fill a hole in your soul, we’re telling you your co-dependency and other issues are more likely to hurt her than help her. If you feel any compassion for her, this would be the basis for letting go, until you’ve done the self-work needed to be a healthy partner. In 3-6 months—or 2 years if you don’t prioritize things like weekly therapy and self-help workbooks—you’ll be ready to make her life better, or that of whomever happens to be single then. Again, I’m 40s, have kids, and can date early 30s women with no children. This is not the toughest demographic to date imho. In my thread, 1 of my first 3 dates was from that group. That’s not because I’m highly special, although my self-esteem is high enough I was comfortable asking them out.
Yeah Cwarrior it was a loose statement, I guess more fitting would be to have said "we are happy with the way things have gone and although tough we have that temperance and grace to understand this situation"
MrBrightside: I can say that your reply was not received well, personal attacks on me being a WH? That is absolutely nonsensical. First off since I have had these children I've done 75% of the parenting. And since the separation occurred in September I have not had a wild hair to just take a single day off from work or childcare to go dating anyone or for anything stupid. . I remind you I am a psych nurse, I work 12 hour shifts, full time would be 3 days a week, I work 4 a week so that I can provide more for the kids when I have them. The other 3 days I have the kids all day/night. And I am not an Ipad Dad. I don't gallivant my fatherhood here, I didn't come here for that advice, getting pretty sick of people telling me not to post about XW and post about all the healthy things im doing for myself and my kids.... that is auto pilot stuff, I dont need advice for that, why would I type up taking my kids to get ice cream and how many days its been since I had an argument with the XW? That isnt the issue...I came here to try to save an M and realized over time that I shouldn't. I didnt come to that conclusion with temporary emotions, it was over time, with logic and reasoning, and based on history and the likelihood of recidivism regarding cheating in the future. At any rate this is the first time I have asked for any "time off" for myself to out, for me. The only other time was when I took days off to take the W to hawaii and obviously that didnt pan out so I went fishing. And yes, with my kids.
To the rest of you guys: Since this is the end of the road for my M I appreciate you guys getting me through the last 8 months. I turned to this board, friends, family and faith instead of women, alcohol and stupid choices. Im glad for that. But as I post about the days and interactions that im sure 100% of you guys leaving a divorce have had at some point in your lives (if you can be that honest) what I seem to be getting is a bunch of divorcees that are jaded, making personal attacks and a truckload of assumptions. I dont need that negativity in my life. So I think Im done posting here.
I appreciate you guys who are able to convey the message in a manner that isn't disrespectful, but at this time in my life I revert back to the #1 thing Sandi said its all about respect. I have by previous posts made myself a person who tolerates disrespect and I wont anymore, not from a XW, friend, family member or a discussion board. Hopefully yall can help some M's that can be saved. Thanks for the time. Believe it or not I am in a better place. And I appreciate you more than you know.
Cheers
Last edited by Steve_; 05/27/2105:13 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Socrates says, "An unexamined life is not worth living". Good luck, Steve! I'm actually a romantic at heart. A more stable joy awaits when you're ready to dig deeper into your co-dependence. (:
