Yeah I still have the IC through the VA. I got another appointment coming up this Friday. I did stop the anti-depressants though. They cause me some serious excess sweating and weight gain and I have been pretty well stable for a few months as far as dealing with everything.
The Stbxw and I have reached a point where we are just friends. She asked me to come paint the room at her moms for my daughter and I agreed. I want to do those things for my daughter still. And tbh I felt it would help sort of make peace with the Stbxw. She talked about how after I finished the paperwork she got surprised and sad and made the mistake of running right back to OM she left me for. Apparently he has been holding his promise up to stay out of it until I signed. Then they started messing around again. And it was hard for her to tell me that because she knows the kids would hate her guts for that. I did tell her I had been talking to someone else as well. She was excited and wanted to know more information. I told her that it is not serious that she is just a friend and that we had only met a couple times. The stbxw asked me not to bring her around the kids for at least 3 months, which I told her “of course” and she said “I learned my lesson there” and she proceeded to tell me she wants me to be happy, she hopes I don’t bad mouth her to this girl so that they can be friends, and that she hopes she is good with kids and etc etc etc.
I do plan on slowly going forward with this girl and seeing what is there. She is a really good person and has a strong faith based approach on her life. We have been really good friends for a couple months over the phone. I did tell stbxw that I respected her choice when she ran off with OM and didn’t do anything crazy to bother him/her and I would appreciate if she would also give me that respect. I let her know that there is really no more need for the games and I deserve to move on and find happiness and she needs to respect that.
She agreed and seemed excited for me, a lot of the anger in her face sort of changed. She teared up and apologized for the games she had played with me. It seems like her only goal now is to be friends, love her single party life and I’m okay with that. I asked her to please make good choices for the kids and she promised to.
But I do not trust her, not even a little. So I gave her next to no info about ow. So she cannot do anything to mess it up and tbh ow is not even a thing yet, she is just someone that I want to see if anything is there because when I was not looking for anyone she kinda fell out of the sky and has been super good to me and for me. I would be a fool to ignore it. I’ve had opportunities to see other women as I’ve gone out a few times but nobody special. Nothing I wanted to get into especially during this process. This girl is different and deserves a shot. So I wanted to make sure everything with stbxw was ironed out before I even get involved. I wanted to do this the right way and not as some game or rebound or whatever people do just in case over time this ow turns out to be more than a friend.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I am not going to rush into anything. I am smarter than that. I realize I am high value man and this girl is a very good person that deserves not to be toyed with for some kind of me covering up my pain etc etc.. that is why I had to file, had to move on with the D, I knew stbxw would run back to OM it’s impossible for her to stay alone. And I knew that would hurt. But I couldn’t keep on holding myself back from happiness just to sort of keep my stbxw’s bad choices at bay. That’s on her. The convo we had yesterday while I helped moved things from storage was really nice, she was awesome about it, there was a lot of closure and just bonding as co-parents, hugging some crying. She told me that she feels she made the mistake of gambling that I would never quit and when I did a couple weeks ago she knows it was her fault. I did hold-out for so many months because I thought maybe some slight way this could be repaired. But when I filed I had come to terms with the fact it cannot, made peace with the potential for step-dads In my kids like, oms and all that. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I know I deserve to also be happy and I cannot control what choices stbxw makes. It’s gonna be painful for a long time but she wants to be included in my life and be there for me and so on. She told me she will keep her life insurance under my name and medical stuff as well because she knows I will be the rock for the kids. She admired her choices have been bad, I apologized for the things I did wrong as well. And over all it was really good. That was really something I needed for me to have that closure and be okay.
Coming up, I got a counseling session with some friends going through it, they want me to sort of mediate things for their R. I have been sort of supporting them through a lot, (work friends) and they are going to come over and read some books with me. (5 love languages, some highlighted stuff for him from 3% man and some things out of DB and DR.) I know it’s hard to to take your own advice but I learned a lot over this time.
I’m helping 2 of my buddies with nursing school, I’ve made plans to go out with an old friend from work in a few weeks up to the Sierra Nevada’s for fly fishing and so on. It’s been hard for me to accept this outcome in life but each day that passes I feel okay about it more and more.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
This girl is different and deserves a shot. So I wanted to make sure everything with stbxw was ironed out before I even get involved. I wanted to do this the right way and not as some game or rebound or whatever people do just in case over time this ow turns out to be more than a friend.
Steve,
You are by far the most broken LBS i have ever seen.. With serious issues - especially co dependancy / addiction to your ex..
Here you are a few weeks later referencing "OW"...
Seriously. If the "OW" as you put it knows your history, she probably has her own "baggage galore" - To coin a phase, "broken attracts broken"..
Any woman with value would run a mile. Read some of Gingers posts about dating recently seperated guys.
You need to focus on your kids and you - not some other quick fix...
But as per usual, you will ignore any advice that doesnt suit, then post on here how x, y, z happened..
You really do love the rollercoaster ride that your life has become !
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
oh and 3 months before introducing the children !!!!!!
3 months.. Seriously..
Your kids have been through more than most children...
3 years is closer to the money - 3 months , 6 months 12 months - in your sitch it makes you as bad as the ex..
Introducing OW to kids any time before 2023 is a quick fix for you to play happy families.. until it all goes south and the kids are left spinning again.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
One more thing to add. I know going out and looking for an OW is a bad idea. Which is why I never did. Never went on apps or dated or anything. That’s not how you get through this in a healthy way. I prayed a lot and stayed away from bars, clubs, women etc.. for this 8 months we been separated I have just focused on the kids and standing for the M alone. The OW came into my life as a friend and we began to talk about her past R’s my current R and about faith, sending each other sermons and kind of deducing what they meant. She just moved away for school 4 hours from here so I have been supporting her big life change too. I met her a couple times before she moved away to go out for dinner and so forth. Totally with no kind of intention for anything besides friendship. But over the couple of months that we talked I became more interested and wondered why god chose to put this woman on my path. I am not looking for an R here, I know it’s not a good idea but I also won’t ask for blessings and then refuse to accept them. I have to allow that in my life I deserve that and that’s why I took the steps I did, made peace with stbxw and everything. So I won’t be doing anything I should be ashamed of, in secret, or etc.. I have children and I don’t want them to see dad doing stuff like mom did. So to prevent some kind of bad disaster I chose to get my Sitch squared away on all 4 corners before even entertaining a female friend/ companion of any kind. I have a lot to still do for me, and I don’t need anyone. And that is where I wanted to be.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Yeah trust me Mr. B I have absolutely no intention of introducing this girl to my kids. That was stupid advice from Stbxw. Not something I find valid. Also I use OW as the terminology here on the board, it’s not that kind of thing yet. This “OW” is literally a friend I talked to on the phone for a couple months who is a great person and has a high interest. That’s why I meant by “deserves a shot” I know I have a lot of healing to do. And there is zero chance of me dating anyone for a king time seriously. The fact she is not in this town is the reason I even continue on talking to her. I don’t need that turbulence and I got a long ways to go on myself. Before I can be an actual partner to anyone, I know that. I think I may have confused what I meant here but this is not an OW in the sense of OW for the board it’s like just another woman in my life if that makes sense. Believe that I would never go into any kind of R this broken and expect it to work well. That’s a bad idea and I know it. This is a friendship which maybe in a long time could be more. I still will be doing whatever else I need to do and I am not focused on it. But I just wanted to also get to a place elf accepting things before I continue with this friendship in case it ends up being more. That’s what I am trying to express. That and posting it here so I can avoid mistakes going forward.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/18/2102:39 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Steve_, the only way you know for sure that you do not need anyone........is to be alone for a period of time and be happy and healthy. I am afraid that you only moved on from STBXW because of this new woman. This is the WORST thing a codependent person can do. Use someone to get over another. I know you don't see it that way, but whether you are willing to admit it or not this is what you are doing. You don't go from jumping the moment the STBXW showed the smallest willingness to get back together, to moving forward with the D and being completely at peace with it this quickly.
Your life, your choice, but I unfortunately see you having a lot of issues in the future with a new person until you work on becoming the best version of yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve_, the only way you know for sure that you do not need anyone........is to be alone for a period of time and be happy and healthy. I am afraid that you only moved on from STBXW because of this new woman. This is the WORST thing a codependent person can do. Use someone to get over another. I know you don't see it that way, but whether you are willing to admit it or not this is what you are doing. You don't go from jumping the moment the STBXW showed the smallest willingness to get back together, to moving forward with the D and being completely at peace with it this quickly.
Your life, your choice, but I unfortunately see you having a lot of issues in the future with a new person until you work on becoming the best version of yourself.
I don’t want that either Steve, I don’t want that to be the case here. I have considered just telling this girl I can’t even be friends right now. Honestly I’m not sure what the right thing to do here is. Which is why I posted it. I do feel okay with how things are because I know stbxw is never going to be good to me /for me. I did accept that before even meeting this girl and I filed before meeting her because I did not want her to be the “reason” I finished the D. And by filed I don’t mean like started, I mean I laid the filing fee so it will be finalized in 2 months. I did that BEFORE meeting this girl ever. Because I know how bad it is to use someone else to get over someone else. But it still seems like this could be a bad idea because of how long it took me to finish the D and now I’m talking to someone else doesn’t look good to people. I get that. I’m aware of that. And I am considering just backing away and sort of not continuing with the friendship. It would just be a shame since this girl is a really really good person. So idk what to do here.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/18/2102:46 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
There is also contra-indicated advice as well. People like CW a popular dating coach and so forth tell you to get out there, and interact with people. I have been doing that for awhile, men, women, co-workers. I have had plenty of girls shoot thier shot and didn’t go there. Because I knew it was a mistake. So I’m not firing this off the cuff Willy nilly. Hence the reason I even posted about it.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Omigosh, Steve_!, instead of working on your co-dependence and learning to be happy as an individual, you’re bringing a new woman into your chaos. If she’s a good woman, why not give yourself and her the gift of NC for 4 months and working hard on your co-dependence issues we’ve all noted, and then date her?
You may have the scarcity mindset I used to have that a high-value partner will be snapped up quickly—act fast! Actually, high-value people are not in a hurry to commit to anyone unless they’re a great fit for our lives. They have options. Also, I think the stats were 20% of singles over 30 have secure attachment styles. Most dates may not be good choices, but your odds are high of a decent match within 10-20 dates.
I bet you’ll dive in and repeat your rollercoaster. I hope not. It’s suspicious that a high-value person wouldn’t detect your anxiety/co-dependence and suggest a pause or move on. Keep in mind that even though 20% have secure attachment styles, those who are anxious tend to attract and choose the other types.
