So It seems like WW is not taking me finishing the D well.
She told my kids that this was "daddy's choice" and told me "you gave up". I did not want to get into a fight over text but I had never stood my ground on that so I just replied "The choice was made when you left and filed, I just accepted it, and you can tell the kids whatever you want but, that's on you not me, I gave you 1,000 chances, you wanted to be single, so now you are." I also told her "No matter what you say we all know and saw what happened, I did my best, you did not want to work with me so I simply decided I have done enough" she went on to threaten, because I mentioned to my son I'd like to move somewhere else, find a better job etc, she told me "If you move you will never see the kids again" … more control.. more anger.. I told her well, I have nothing else I wish to say, please only communicate regarding the children otherwise I will block your phone as well.
She did respond 2 days later regarding the kids schedule and I did not answer all day I was out fishing with no reception, she proceeded to tell me "we have 50/50 custody, you cannot block my phone" and emailed and got on my kids tabled and messaged and so on. When I got back to town I just responded, yes I will be there and no I did not block your phone as long as its just regarding the kids I wont. She responded "okay, thank you" and that was it. I hope this will be a decent process once she is over the anger of me not allowing her to control my life anymore.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I really feel sorry your kids. Your ex trying to blame you then you telling your son you’re going to move. Manipulation from both of you to get a rise out of each other. Steve if she didn’t want to be divorced she wouldn’t be don’t think for a half second she is having second thoughts. Your arguing whose fault is weak behavior.
Unfortunately the ride is just beginning and this nonsense will be going on for years to come.
I really feel sorry your kids. Your ex trying to blame you then you telling your son you’re going to move. Manipulation from both of you to get a rise out of each other.
Amen.
Originally Posted by Steve_
"The choice was made when you left and filed, I just accepted it, and you can tell the kids whatever you want but, that's on you not me, I gave you 1,000 chances, you wanted to be single, so now you are. No matter what you say we all know and saw what happened, I did my best, you did not want to work with me so I simply decided I have done enough"
Steve, emoting for his ex, because his feelings control him and not vice-versa. Always helped Anakin?
Originally Posted by Steve_
"If you move you will never see the kids again"
Emoting at her, improving you and your kids' situation, it is? (:
Originally Posted by Steve_
I hope this will be a decent process once she is over the anger of me not allowing her to control my life anymore.
It'll be a decent process once you get over your anger, control, etc. No sooner, no later. You can expedite that by seeking counseling, support groups, and journaling here. You can make it worse by continuing the R talks, bringing your kids into it, or dating before you do the work to become stronger, Steve.
It's your circus, Steve. We can watch. Only you can act!
I just responded to her that way simply because throughout this process I never stood up to her, I blamed myself, I never looked her in the eye and told her how I actually felt. I will NOT be saying anything more, but I did feel at that point for once I needed to just say "listen, say whatever you want, do whatever you want, but we ALL saw how things went including the children, so dont try to turn this around now, you made your choice I just accept it now" I felt like I could not move on without at least telling her that. I did it in a respectful manner. She told me "the kids are destroyed by your choice, D5 feels like her heart is cracking that you gave up" yada yada yada... I saw right through it, she has no desire to work on this M or change her WW ways. She just wanted me to hurt for standing up for myself and being done with this crap. I know better than that, she WILL NEVER CHANGE. and I CAN NEVER GO BACK AND FIX THIS. I know that. I really do. It took me a long long time to accept it, but I have. Even if a miracle were to happen and she was able to turn her life around the process would take years, and I am not willing to waste more years I could be happy with someone else that would be loyal and honest and deserving to give my WW a chance to grow up. She had her shot, many many shots and she blew them all. That is on her, and even then I held on far longer than most, now I have no regrets and I can lay my head down at night, I can look my kids in the eye, and go through this storm knowing that I gave it my all and that is good enough for me. That is all I wanted.
I know this will be hard, and the 8 months now of being legally seperated were not the full spectrum of this change because I refused to see them/ treat them that way. I do realize there will be dark days ahead, and I will stand-fast by my choice to put my happiness and my children's well being before anything the WW throws at me. I will not buckle, I cannot. I have finally come to a point where the line in the sand has been drawn, and just like when I was in the military for so many years, I will not accept defeat and return to complacency. I have done too much work, come too far, I expect to receive the same level of intrest, honor and commitment that I put into my R's, anything less I will not tolerate, and I don't need to. I need no-one. When god decides it is time for me to find a partner he will place on on my path. I will not date, I will not get apps or go to bars any of that. I put my future partner in god's hands to deliver, until then I will simply take care of myself and my kids and face this storm with dignity.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/08/2105:22 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Sorry for the religious stuff if it bothers anyone. But I really leaned on my faith to get through these times. Its been monumentally difficult and I just needed something to cling to. Im not a super churchy zealot or anything, but I found my faith going through the hardships of combat, depression, and so forth. Its been really important to me in order to shoulder the things I have without turning to alcohol or drugs or some other destructive behavior, I chose to turn to god. Its not for everyone but that really helped me.
And I am not angry, I am not coming into this new phase of emotion with the stbxw. The only emotion that I feel toward her is honestly sadness and pity. She will absolutely regret the things she did some day and knowing that she wont ever get a chance to fix them even if she ever did change I do feel a bit sad for her on that. She really did think she could keep me in her pocket forever, and although her entire family told her that one day her H would just give up and be done she never listened. I feel sad for that. And also I do worry about what kind of OM she will involve with my kids, but having a strong set of in-laws I am really fortunate that they will be very protective when the kids are not with me.
Its not about anger, not about depression or that aching hole of loss anymore. Its about each day staying strong and knowing I did my best and allowing myself to live better and standing up for Steve. Im still getting used to it but im doing really good.
I appreciate all you guys have done, and all the 2x4's and everything you have endured. I will continue to post, try to support others and remain active. I needed this board, I didnt see how clear-cut and true you guys were being until now, once I think back on all the post you guys have made it makes sense and it was all right, I just couldnt accept it before, and I know that can be frustrating for yall. Thanks for hanging in there, truly.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/08/2105:37 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Your number one problem is you talk to much. The Moore you try to convince her you are not in her back pocket the more she know you are. We can see it and she can surely see it.
Also don’t be so sure she’s gonna regret her decision. No one ever wants to be with a doormat. They want someone who they need to work for. Then that person becomes someone of value.
(((Steve))). I know people here are hard on you sometimes. We have all been there, believe me, and we keep posting to newcomers because we are hoping they will learn from our experiences and maybe get through this a little bit faster and a little bit easier. But we all have our path to walk and sometimes that means drawing out the pain more than others would like us to.
My thoughts in reading your thread is that you are starting out on the right path. Being fully honest with yourself is the first step. That takes a lot of self reflection and deep dives into our own psyche’s. Some of us can get there on our own (well...not fully as we have this community to give us 2x4’s when we need it) while others need a bit more extra help in the form of IC. Some of us need to put our hand on the flame a number of times before we fully realize we are going to get burnt every time,
Here is when you will know that you have truly moved on. You won’t be feeling sadness or pity for your XW. You may look at her objectively and think, “wow...she’s missing out on a better life with her crazy choices” but that isn’t a feeling - it’s an observation. The goal here is indifference. That word has some negative connotations as it implies a lack of caring. It’s not that at all. It just means that when you interact with your ex in anyway, it no longer has an effect on you - good or bad. She will no longer have the power to affect your mood or your behaviour.
And when you get there my friend, there will be SO MUCH PEACE that you will find yourself laughing sometimes at the thought of you ever wanting anything different. When you are finally past this and you have figured out your own contributions to the demise of your marriage (we all could have done better even if we were not the cause) and know what it is you want in a partner, you will not have to convince the other person to love you...they just will. And you will know how to nurture that love and build a life with that person. Keep moving forward my friend...with honesty, integrity, forgiveness and love.
Saw this quote on FB recently that really resonated with me in terms of how I wanted to go through this process. I’m sharing it with you as I think it may help you as well. Makes a great mantra...
“May I release my ego’s need to defend myself. May I have the courage to live in alignment - walking in the integrity of my own unique path. May I forgive the parts of myself that become reactive when I’m misunderstood. May I continue to show up over and over again as I learn to trust that everything is happening to serve my evolution and the greater good of the collective.”
Sorry for the religious stuff if it bothers anyone. But I really leaned on my faith to get through these times. Its been monumentally difficult and I just needed something to cling to. Im not a super churchy zealot or anything, but I found my faith going through the hardships of combat, depression, and so forth. Its been really important to me in order to shoulder the things I have without turning to alcohol or drugs or some other destructive behavior, I chose to turn to god. Its not for everyone but that really helped me.
And I am not angry, I am not coming into this new phase of emotion with the stbxw. The only emotion that I feel toward her is honestly sadness and pity. She will absolutely regret the things she did some day and knowing that she wont ever get a chance to fix them even if she ever did change I do feel a bit sad for her on that. She really did think she could keep me in her pocket forever, and although her entire family told her that one day her H would just give up and be done she never listened. I feel sad for that. And also I do worry about what kind of OM she will involve with my kids, but having a strong set of in-laws I am really fortunate that they will be very protective when the kids are not with me.
Its not about anger, not about depression or that aching hole of loss anymore. Its about each day staying strong and knowing I did my best and allowing myself to live better and standing up for Steve. Im still getting used to it but im doing really good.
I appreciate all you guys have done, and all the 2x4's and everything you have endured. I will continue to post, try to support others and remain active. I needed this board, I didnt see how clear-cut and true you guys were being until now, once I think back on all the post you guys have made it makes sense and it was all right, I just couldnt accept it before, and I know that can be frustrating for yall. Thanks for hanging in there, truly.
I commend you on turning to something positive (faith) instead of negatives (drugs and alcohol). Well done. We see many LBSs here that suffer because they turn to wanton and sex and chemicals to cope. That rarely turns out well. You've made a lot of mistakes Steve, turning to God is not one of them!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you all for the replies. I read each of them and really think on them.
Yes I am not over my WW but I know I cannot be with her and I accept it. And something really nice happened yesterday.
WW messaged me “I know you hate me but my kids haven’t called or anything today and it’s Mother’s Day and it’s hard for me”
I responded “I don’t hate you, we did go get you a card and a flower, I know you are at work so that’s why, but if you have time feel free to call the kids”
I told her also “I understand it’s hard on me as well”
She replied “I seriously doubt that”
So I said “finishing that divorce last week was the hardest thing I ever did, but I had to because what I want and deserve you cannot give me. I do love you and I always will but I don’t have 2-3 years to wait while you have other men come and go in your life, I need commitment, honestly, loyalty and integrity”
She said “I have been crying a lot, I didn’t think you would ever file it, it hurt me very bad when you did”
I told her “I had to, for me, because I deserve better than this”
She responded “I know, and you do, it’s just hard to see Steven give up, I never thought you would”
I told her “we were always close, best friends, maybe one day god will fix us but not anytime soon and I see that, that’s why I did it”
She said “I know in time I can be good, I can give you those things, but right now I cannot, and I just wanted you to hang in there and give me time”
I said “I did for 7 months, and if that was not enough I’m afraid nothing ever will be, I told her also, it’s okay, I’m not mad, go be free, go be beautiful, but please make good choices in your partner for the children, they have been through a lot, the greatest gift I could have offered you as your husband is to let you go, you wanted to be free and now you are so just consider the kids when you make choices that effect them please”
She said “thank you so much” and admitted to going on a date last night but not feeling good about it because the kids are still really upset she left me to begin with and she doesn’t want to hurt them again.
I just ended things with “happy Mother’s Day from the bottom of my heart and I hope you will reach out if the children need anything.
She responded with crying emojis and said thank you, that she was sorry for everything, and that she hopes some day things will change
I feel like this convo was not necessary but there was this animosity about the D that I feel is ironed out. Her tone went from anger to sadness and then just a friendly manner during the convo. As much as it pains me to hear she is dating I know that’s what she wanted and I wanted to make my peace with her over that. I know eventually I will find a partner when god intends that for me. For now I move forward.
Today I go and pick up my associates degree in nursing from the school. I’m happy to have that done, soon I will do my bridge program to RN and then go back to the school where I got my previous bachelors and get my bachelors in nursing done. I have really attainable goals and I can see myself living a life without WW. A happy life. And I prayed for that for a long time.
Last edited by Steve_; 05/10/2103:44 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I think your WW is more sad about the fact that she is losing her trusty ol' Plan B. She's not sad for you and your relationship, she's sad for her (and she's the one that cheated multiple times).
And she thought you wouldn't give up while she cheated on you with multiple men? Good Lord that just speaks to her mental issues.
She's going to cheat on every dude she's with because internally she will never be happy. She looks for her next high and doesn't care who she destroys in the process.
I would bet a mortgage payment she will try to seduce you once again. This isn't over.
Shore up your defenses if you want any semblance of a normal life post divorce.
