How long is a WW able to live this delusional fantasy without feeling anything?
Potentially forever. From what I have witnessed a lot of WSs, (both husbands and wives!) usually have a good bit of Narcissistic personality disorder going on. Unless they get serious therapy for that likely it will never go away, and they will continue to chase a delusional fantasy without feeling anything until they do get help.
So if you are trying to wait that out I think it is a fool's game. You are better off doing the work you need to do on yourself and moving forward healthy and happy. It can be done but you have to stop worrying about her at all, stop worrying about what she has or hasn't posted on FB or what she still has up, and just focus on yourself and the kids.
Drh, you've got this. Upward and onward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Now that she's gone and I have time to think (and yes I do GAL and other things as well), I am trying to fathom out how a wife and mother who had good morals can suddenly go wayward with no time in-between the transition.
People love linear systems and immediate feedback -- I press the lever and I get a pellet. I can understand that.
Relationships are highly entangled, hugely complex organisms laden with long delay feedback loops, outside influences, historic baggage, etc. When relationships break down you want to put your finger on the exact "why" so that you can learn from that, but more importantly take measures to protect yourself from having it happen again.
When you can't figure out the exact why, you can't put a targeted protection plan in place, and therefore you feel exposed.
One of the singular most painful things about this process is never getting to the "why" in any kind of satisfying conclusion.
There are thousands of small contributors, and you can treat and improve upon each one, but you probably won't feel that the sum of those changes fully insulates you from experiencing a loss like this again.
The first phase of this journey for most is guilt -- searching our memories and inventorying all our shortcomings. The first reaction of some people on this board to a newbie is often "you weren't meeting her needs" which further reinforces this stage of guilt.
Relationships aren't that simple. If you weren't meeting her needs, chances are she wasn't meeting your needs either, and the reasons for that are many and varied. A relationship is an equilibrium between two personalities, and its state is a reflection of both contributions to it.
Point is, regardless of the affair one or both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.
That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.
So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?
You're searching for answers. Consciously and subconsciously. Your body and brain don't want to go through such an ordeal again. What went wrong? Can I avoid this in the future? Was it something I did? Where was I in the wrong? Can I make peace with anything on my end? All questions that may be percolating.
LH has some of the best advice. Moving on is best. If you cant, maybe there is something you should dwell on for a short time, just dont get stuck on it. Facing what we may have contributed is the hardest part and maybe you need peace there. If you want to know what happened to her....well...why? If you knew what caused her change, then what? Why do you have to know the cause? Likely if your similar to me, it could be because you want your conscience clean. If you did contribute, face it head on and get through it. You've been through worse now so that piece would be easy if thats your case.
You'll find peace in time.
Thanks Core for the encouragement. I have done a lot of self examination and can see what I did and didn't do that contributed to the downfall of the marriage. It's difficult to move on because I do feel a lot of guilt. Of course, it's way to late to do anything about it now given that WW has decided to move in with her AP.
Three months after meeting OM on a dating website, she created a "vision board" or what I call a "delusion board" that she hung on her bedroom wall. Anyone could see it and my kids went in her room all the time. I can only imagine what they thought.
There was a grainy photo of her and OM with a caption "we will be happy forever," a photo of just our kids with captions like "I'm not a bad mom," "my kids don't need a perfect mom" (when they learned she was seeing someone else while living with us) and "I am all that my kids need."
There were other captions plastered on the delusion board such as "I exhale fear and I breathe in confidence" - and the best of all, an outline of a house with the following caption: "New home, room for 7 (OM has three kids), great school, great neighborhoods."
She was told by a psychic that "she wouldn't be "single" for long" and recently told me that she and OM "were meant to be."
One of my relatives told me it's as if WW "is on a mission."
How long is a WW able to live this delusional fantasy without feeling anything?
Potentially forever. From what I have witnessed a lot of WSs, (both husbands and wives!) usually have a good bit of Narcissistic personality disorder going on. Unless they get serious therapy for that likely it will never go away, and they will continue to chase a delusional fantasy without feeling anything until they do get help.
So if you are trying to wait that out I think it is a fool's game. You are better off doing the work you need to do on yourself and moving forward healthy and happy. It can be done but you have to stop worrying about her at all, stop worrying about what she has or hasn't posted on FB or what she still has up, and just focus on yourself and the kids.
Drh, you've got this. Upward and onward!
Yes I think you're right. She has never apologized for anything that she put me and the kids through. There has been absolutely no remorse of any kind. No regrets. Nothing. Zilch.
I guess the delusional fantasy is better than her old life, but it is still a fantasy.
OM is divorced with three kids. He knew my WW was still living at home with her husband and kids but dated her anyway.
Now that she's gone and I have time to think (and yes I do GAL and other things as well), I am trying to fathom out how a wife and mother who had good morals can suddenly go wayward with no time in-between the transition.
People love linear systems and immediate feedback -- I press the lever and I get a pellet. I can understand that.
Relationships are highly entangled, hugely complex organisms laden with long delay feedback loops, outside influences, historic baggage, etc. When relationships break down you want to put your finger on the exact "why" so that you can learn from that, but more importantly take measures to protect yourself from having it happen again.
When you can't figure out the exact why, you can't put a targeted protection plan in place, and therefore you feel exposed.
One of the singular most painful things about this process is never getting to the "why" in any kind of satisfying conclusion.
There are thousands of small contributors, and you can treat and improve upon each one, but you probably won't feel that the sum of those changes fully insulates you from experiencing a loss like this again.
The first phase of this journey for most is guilt -- searching our memories and inventorying all our shortcomings. The first reaction of some people on this board to a newbie is often "you weren't meeting her needs" which further reinforces this stage of guilt.
Relationships aren't that simple. If you weren't meeting her needs, chances are she wasn't meeting your needs either, and the reasons for that are many and varied. A relationship is an equilibrium between two personalities, and its state is a reflection of both contributions to it.
Point is, regardless of the affair one or both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.
That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.
So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?
I agree with what you've said LH. We both weren't happy. I wasn't meeting her needs which wasn't deliberate though.
My WW stopped complaining to me about the things I wasn't doing (which I now know is the danger zone) and I thought we'd stay together - go along to get along I guess.
Three months after meeting OM on a dating website, she created a "vision board" or what I call a "delusion board" that she hung on her bedroom wall. Anyone could see it and my kids went in her room all the time. I can only imagine what they thought.
There was a grainy photo of her and OM with a caption "we will be happy forever," a photo of just our kids with captions like "I'm not a bad mom," "my kids don't need a perfect mom" (when they learned she was seeing someone else while living with us) and "I am all that my kids need."
There were other captions plastered on the delusion board such as "I exhale fear and I breathe in confidence" - and the best of all, an outline of a house with the following caption: "New home, room for 7 (OM has three kids), great school, great neighborhoods."
Dude your EXW is a kook. Do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
“Women are naturally attracted to men who display the most dominant male strength characteristics. Men who are healthy and successful in life display their competency by being self-reliant with or without being involved romantically with women. When it comes to raising kids, women are natural nurturers and typically spend the most time raising kids when they are young. They usually will forego their careers and goals in order to be stay at home moms. In order for a woman to feel safe and comfortable enough to submit to a man’s leadership, he must consistently demonstrate his ability to persist and provide a stable home environment. During the courtship and while in relationship, women test men to determine if they can handle her tests of his strength. Does he remain centered when she is unsure, changes her mind, gets emotional, is difficult to be around, moody or her interest seems to be hot and cold at times? Just like in nature, the most dominant males tend to have the best genes and produce the strongest offspring to ensure their genes get passed on to the next generation. Weak men get rejected while strong men get easy access to the box.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
Yes I think you're right. She has never apologized for anything that she put me and the kids through. There has been absolutely no remorse of any kind. No regrets. Nothing. Zilch.
And she probably never will. And even if she did it is just words. Remember: ACTION NOT WORDS. When my W recommitted back to the marriage she never came back with an apology. I saw remorse, and I saw in her actions that she was trying to "make-up" for it. I got a card for her (either V-day, or my birthday, I forget) where she wrote in the card: "Thanks for not giving up on me." That was as close to a verbal apology as I got, but I don't care about verbal. It was her actions that showed she was sorry and that she wanted to recommit back to the marriage.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I guess the delusional fantasy is better than her old life, but it is still a fantasy.
What you call delusional fantasy is her reality. Remember, perception IS reality. And her perception is that her delusional fantasy is better than her old life. She may have her fantasy bubble burst at some point (usually when the OM is done with her), but for now this statement does nothing for you. We have a saying around her: hope for the best, expect the worst. The first is just hope....the second is what is actionable. Assume she is gone for good and do the work on yourself to prepare for that eventuality.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
OM is divorced with three kids. He knew my WW was still living at home with her husband and kids but dated her anyway.
Doesn't matter. He could still be married. He could be a younger man with no attachments (like my W's EAP was). He could be Mel Gibson. Who he is doesn't matter. LBSs fixate unhealthily on OM. I did the same thing. Ran background checks, got all kinds of dirt on him (he was an ex-con). Guess what, none of that mattered to my W. The only thing that mattered, at the time, and it hurts to hear, was that he wasn't me! Likely your W is the same way. It could be anyone, as long as it isn't you!
Forget OM. Forget who he is. Who he is doesn't change what you need to do.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I will take your advice and work on myself.
GREAT! What does that look like?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
