First off-- so sorry to hear about SS20. Does he have a pulse oximeter? I'd recommend getting one for him, for your peace of mind if nothing else.
Second, just want to say how amazingly well you are doing. I'm so inspired and proud of you. You seem centered and immensely self-aware and ready to embark on this next stage, even though it wasn't what you would have chosen for yourself. I want to hear more about the temporary place you're moving into, and the possible full time job!
xoxo M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks May. I am working hard to grow, expand and be open to my future. I have my moments! And I know I will have to work very hard on the fear and trusts issues I will have (as discussed on your thread). But I have hope. I am sad and disappointed in the way my marriage and that time has turned out. But I know I did a lot to try to make it good. I tried to be a good wife and step mom. I tried hard, but I also realize that I didn't have the partner that I needed. I love him deeply and a part of me always will. But I have to move forward for me.
Anyway, a family member is planning to tear down a home they have, and build a dream home on the property. It's nearby and has amazing views, but it's pretty run down and we are hoping the deck won't fail or the furnace won't give out while I live there. Ha! I will not have full use of the house, but I can use a few rooms, the garage for storage, etc. Just enough time to figure out my next steps. My city is getting very expensive, so once the house is sold, I do not feel I can afford to buy again. At least not now. Also, as a freelancer, that also affects my chances...
I've been working as a freelancer for a long time, but generally with only a couple of clients. One of them I love and it's the company my H was managing....but now he's resigned. They were purchased by another company and that company, and another one they have do not have the department I'm in, so they may create one department to manage all three companies. Or they may bring me on with my current company. I really do not know and nothing is solid. I'm just being hopeful. It would be great to get the opportunity to have something more secure during this time in my life.
SS20 seems to be okay so far, but I do worry. We are hopeful that he won't get too sick or have any long lasting effects. It's hard as he is in another city and I can't take care of him. But he is also becoming an adult and I need to help him be that for himself too.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
El hang in there. At least you have a plan. On the job, any chance to look for another one? I know the housing market is working against you (since prices are soaring) for buying a house, but the flip side is that the job market is booming. If you are a degreed, salary worker there are no shortage of jobs out there, and lots of opportunity for improving your situation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi El, I think in regards to jobs I would check if there is something out there on a fix basis for you as Steve stated.
I was also a self-employed freelancer, but most of the time working for the same company. A few months ago I asked them to become a salary worker on a full time basis for them and they agreed.
So I'm no longer self-employed, and don't have to worry anymore now if I get sick or if I would have an accident or anything like that, and 100% sure of my monthly salary.
This gives a lot of peace in your head. Maybe something to think about.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
Yeah, my goal is to gain full time salary employment with benefits versus freelancing. I’ll probably maintain my business for side projects, but I do feel at this stage in my life I need security. I do have some plans for other opportunities if this one falls through or they offer me less than I want. But at least it’s promising that things may happen with them in the next few months. It also will benefit me in investing in another property when the time is right. I’ll keep you posted!
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Looking for advice and direction here. I had told my H previously that I won’t be his friend after the D. That was a while back now. He’s been living at home and things have been amicable and friendly (I chose to be this way for my own sanity and stress management, as well as hoping to keep the divorce process as stress free as possible). We are moving forward on the D and we are having discussions on the home selling. In fact, conversations have been going better than they have in years. He’s been less defensive and patient with my questions, thoughts and suggestions even when they conflict with his. He claims he’s going to give me a generous equitable split, etc. He’s acting very supportive of me and my future. I’m sure some of it is guilt but that’s beside the point.
Anyway, lately there have been comments made by him that suggest he thinks we will be friendly/friend like in the future. So far I’ve not said again, uh...we won’t be friends because I have wanted to avoid relationship talks. But at this stage should I be reminding him of the boundaries that will be set as soon as the D is done? My goal has been to never be nasty or hateful towards him. I do want to remain as a stepmom to our boys. But beyond discussions about the kids, I’ll want very little to do with him.
My feelings are why would I want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, lied to me, took money from me, and treated me with more disrespect than anyone else in my entire life? Just because he’s been nicer to me lately, my feelings haven’t changed. Even if he said he wanted to reconcile right now, I’d still continue with the D for financial security.
But do I voice it again as I think he’s forgotten? Or do I just DO IT when the time comes?
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I think there is a difference to being friendly and being friends.
If you want to continue to foster a relationship with you children and stepchildren just focus on being friendly. You have years of interacting ahead of you... grads, weddings, grandkids... If your children view you as unfriendly then they are constantly battling over having only one of you involved at a time.
Being friendly is being polite in each other's space. Right now if he is at home you are sharing the space.
Being friends is calling each other when the car breaks down or when there is stressful news at work to share. Is he calling you in the middle of the day to discuss work issues? Are you? Then I would say its safe to say you are not crossing the I don't want to be friends boundary.
If you can picture both of you at the same kid's event though with much distance between you and nothing more than a nice greeting... that's friendly. If you picture yourself at the kid's event siting next to each other and gossiping about the latest high school drama... that's being friends.
So if its more of the former... friendly then say nothing. Keep doing you.
Looking for advice and direction here. I had told my H previously that I won’t be his friend after the D. That was a while back now. He’s been living at home and things have been amicable and friendly (I chose to be this way for my own sanity and stress management, as well as hoping to keep the divorce process as stress free as possible). We are moving forward on the D and we are having discussions on the home selling. In fact, conversations have been going better than they have in years. He’s been less defensive and patient with my questions, thoughts and suggestions even when they conflict with his. He claims he’s going to give me a generous equitable split, etc. He’s acting very supportive of me and my future. I’m sure some of it is guilt but that’s beside the point.
Anyway, lately there have been comments made by him that suggest he thinks we will be friendly/friend like in the future. So far I’ve not said again, uh...we won’t be friends because I have wanted to avoid relationship talks. But at this stage should I be reminding him of the boundaries that will be set as soon as the D is done? My goal has been to never be nasty or hateful towards him. I do want to remain as a stepmom to our boys. But beyond discussions about the kids, I’ll want very little to do with him.
My feelings are why would I want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, lied to me, took money from me, and treated me with more disrespect than anyone else in my entire life? Just because he’s been nicer to me lately, my feelings haven’t changed. Even if he said he wanted to reconcile right now, I’d still continue with the D for financial security.
But do I voice it again as I think he’s forgotten? Or do I just DO IT when the time comes?
Actions, not words. After the D when you don't take his calls and don't respond to his texts, and you are "busy" when he wants to hang out, he'll figure it out. I don't think you have to say anything about it to him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would suggest to not say anything. If his seemingly good natured manner is because of guilt, or amicable feelings, or the rush of getting closer to his new life - who knows. However, reminding H (if he actually forgot) that you and he will not be friends will be counterproductive to the present goal of a smooth divorce.
Remain kind and cordial. Friendly not friends. And yes, no relationship talks. That path follows your stated desire to proceed with the divorce and still remain in the boys lives. There is no need to state or attempt to enforce a boundary which is to come into effect after the divorce, until after the divorce.
This also allows you to see if H is actually being a friendly amicable guy, who is more patient and less defensive, because he is healing and growing or more just acting. It might turn out you and he could be somewhat friends.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
My feelings are why would I want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, lied to me, took money from me, and treated me with more disrespect than anyone else in my entire life? Just because he’s been nicer to me lately, my feelings haven’t changed.
Feelings. Do not make decisions based upon feelings, they will change. Guaranteed.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who lied, took money, betrayed, and disrespected you? Because all the betrayal, lies, taking of money, disrespect, and so on, matters not. In time, all that stuff diminishes. One quells (or can if one chooses to) their ego and let’s go their need to be right and vindicated. One sees that they cannot control their once loving spouse. And that their spouse’s actions say much more about their spouse than anyone else.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who lied, took money, betrayed, and disrespected you? Because, after all that stuff diminishes, what is left? Your feelings for your once loving spouse return. Seriously. You will feel differently.
Feelings will flit. One’s original feelings of love and family and marriage are more beliefs than feelings, that’s why they return. Compassion, understanding, and empathy leads to forgiveness and acceptance.
Imagine when all that betrayal stuff is let go and you have peace and contentment in your life. The question of being friends looses its meaning. You see your spouse or ex spouse as they are, a hurt person. You treat them with kindness and respectfully, and implement appropriate boundaries as required, because of who you are.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Even if he said he wanted to reconcile right now, I’d still continue with the D for financial security.
Good. You need financial security.
The business side has no benefit in confronting H and stirring him up. And in truth, until a good while post divorce our emotions are not settled, so there is no current benefit there either. Best to keep as you are in my opinion.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It is a confusing time. Strange that with all the stress, he's been easier to deal with than in the past during times of stress. Easier in that he's more patient, understanding, supportive etc. So it kind of feels like he's either really acting nice for the divorce or he's really hoping to remain friends...or who knows why else. There could be so many reasons that could have nothing to do with me.
Been really overwhelmed with the move. Work has also been busy and another project that slipped it's timeline is also coming due. I feel like everything is hitting me all at once. I know I'll get through it, but I hate this overwhelmed feeling...and that panic I tend to feel when it occurs.
I'm so stressed that I need to go to bed early tonight and catch up on some zzzz's. Thanks again for being there and I'll check in again as soon as I can.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
