Well, W was worse today, stayed in bed all day yet had a good bit of shortness of breath, and her test came back positive. About 4 hours ago she said she would think about going to the hospital if she got worse but I haven't heard from her since she went to bed about 3 hours ago. So far me and the kids are still fine, we went and got tested tonight, so keeping our fingers crossed.
The most curious thing, and most applicable to this board, is how I feel. The fact is I don't feel that much. If this happened 6 or 9 or even 3 months ago I would have been terribly concerned for her, worried about how she's feeling and hopeful that she's improving...right now I just feel like how I imagine I'd feel if my coworker got it. Concerned for a fellow human I know who's sick, concerned that I don't want something to happen to my kids' mom for their sake, but nothing particularly more special than that. I guess that's a sign of detachment, but to be honest I'm having a bit of guilt about it. I'll need to go over this with my IC next time we meet.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
So…maybe now we might be piecing, or at least going that direction?
W has been in bed all week and we’ve had little contact due to her positive covid test. Me and the kids tested negative. This morning she texted me out of the blue: “How has therapy been going?”
I said good, I’ve been able to process this whole sitch and grieve the M, and also am working on learning new things about myself to be a better person. She said what kinds of new things, and I talked about a few.
Then she said “Do you still think we can fix the M?” Wait, what? Suddenly I'm thinking what I say might be very important. I said it’s possible, but we had a lot of problems with making each other feel loved and we turned too quickly to resentment rather than communication. We spent too much time together and need our own social outlets. We would both need to work on communicating better, realizing what parts we both played in this and work on ourselves improving on those things. It wouldn’t really be fixing the M but instead building a new M, which is scary and hard but also could be fun and exciting. But it would take time and effort and we’d have to decide if we want to put in that effort.
She said “I don’t know what to do. What if I try to stay and work on it but it doesn't work out?”
I said I know, that’s scary. There’s no guarantees. Of course there’s no guarantees leaving makes you happy either. But if we work on it maybe we end up in a loving and fulfilling relationship and stay as a family, and if not then all we’ve lost is a little bit of time, split up now or split up later. I’m 42 so there isn’t all the time in the world anymore, but right now I’m still willing to spend some time, you have to figure out if you are. Also I don’t think we tried all that hard before and that gives me some regrets, so at the very least we might end up more satisfied that we did what we could.
She said she also felt bad that she checked out without really trying, and she’s seen me doing things differently the past two months and thinks if I can put in some work on myself then she’s willing to work too. I am her best friend and she wants to try again.
She said we have had a long time without intimacy so we should basically go back to dating because we can’t go right back into it right away and it’s going to take time for both of us to heal. I am in agreement with that. She said she couldn’t make any other ultimatums or demands except that we needed to work on this together to make this work.
Anyway…I said above that I wasn’t feeling all that much for her anymore, and that was and is undoubtably true. But I am also happy to see if this can work out. This was totally unexpected, but I still feel that detachment and this gives me some confidence that I am going into this from a good spot. My boundaries so far: right now we will continue IC alone, we will talk about doing MC in the future. No talking to anyone else or any thing similar in any way to dating someone else (recall she was on Bumble). She said that she had gone on a couple dates but had not done more than talk. (I believe her based on some comments she’s made previously). Above all we need to communicate instead of burying our feelings. I will have to think this over more to see if there are others because this was out of blue…
How do I feel? A bit happy and relieved definitely, but maybe right now more than anything, cautious. I’ve been hurt, and I’d rather not get hurt again. But if you don’t put yourself out there, you might avoid getting hurt, but you won’t have success either. I do know that today is certainly not the end of my sitch, the work will need to continue or I’ll be right back in the same place soon. I still might end up back in the same place. If she doesn't change I might even be the WAS, as I indicated in my OP I was close to doing. But I am confident that whatever happens I will be ok.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Proceed with caution because these things don't typically change over night. I would put zero stock in her not getting physical with anyone else. You will know by her actions.
Yep, caution is the name of the game. I understand these changes of heart happen and are sometimes short lived. And even if it ends up working out there will be bumps along the way.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
maybe now we might be piecing, or at least going that direction?
I have seen many get to this point. It is important for you to keep making positive changes to your behavior. Many let the other spouse back too easy. There is a balancing act.
I am not as versed as I should be in the signs that you are in piecing. I know there is a post that calls out the signs. I may have quoted it. I believe you are still in the "busting phase", but your behavior needs to change once you are in piecing. Until you know for sure you are in piecing, I believe busting behavior is better.
I hope things are heading in the direction you want, but yes, proceed with caution.
Remember, you can't talk your way out of this. It is going to be an accumulation of small events that precipitate large change. Even MWD wrote something quite similar in DR.
I would advise you to be less wordy in your response and to respond with more validation and concern for her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
mako, you need to proceed with caution. I would advocate, for the time being, continuing to let her come towards you. WASs are like timid cats. If they come towards you and you move too fast, they will dart the other way. So yes this conversation is a positive sign towards Ring and piecing, but I would say you are not piecing yet.
We've seen a lot of LBSs go all in as soon as their WAS shows the slightest interest only to have them run the other direction quickly. I would highly encourage you not be overly rambunctious at this point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She is still quarantining, probably coming out tomorrow as she has been better. I have of course been unable to do any GAL activities other than taking the kids to playgrounds and such a few times. Fortunately it's been nice out most of the time. I do have plans on Saturday assuming she is well enough to be out of quarantining and take on the kids.
I would say that I've been less distant than the full on DBing period, but definitely not all in. I wouldn't say I've been pursuing, though I have been available...she's stuck in a single room though so it's a weird situation. I have no desire to push her away before she can even think about coming back to me.
We talked on the phone for about an hour one night. Just mundane stuff mostly, but that was nice. Not something we had really done for a long time in the MR. In hindsight I probably should have ended it first but it naturally ended with Son's bedtime. She called me, I have not called her or initiated any texting conversations. I think I instinctively knew not to be pushy right now. One day she opened her 2nd floor window and talked to us while we were playing outside, talking about plans for the garden and yard--just a few days earlier we were planning to be gone from this house within 60 days so that's pretty positive. Of course there is a long way to go.
Anyway, we will see how tomorrow goes. I will remain on mostly DBing behavior until I can see where she is, which I realize might take some time. And yeah, validation remains very important, and maintaining everything positive that I'm doing for me.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
mako, admittedly there are a lot of positive signs there! No question about it. But WASs, and WSs in particular, are notorious for talking about future plans even if they continue to say they want a D. So please do not give in to the temptation to ask her about it. One of the worst things you can do right now is to say something like: "The other day through the window you were talking about plans for a garden and the yard. But just a few days ago were planning on being out of her within 60 days. Which one is it?" That question will likely be met with a "I still want out" answer. So just coast here for a while and see if the signs continue to trend in the right way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Definitely Steve. I think the LBS often feels "I need to know where we stand!" They are at a point of low confidence and self esteem after facing this massive rejection, and want reassurances. The WAS who is sorta in, sorta out isn't able to reassure and isn't going to answer that in a positive way because it's too smothering, if a choice is forced it's easier to just be out. Anyway, being so needy for such reassurances just looks weak, the opposite of how the LBS wants to be. The strong way to think is "I'm going to live my life, and if you want to come along with me please do." For now I'm going to live in my house and enjoy it, and she can be a part of that to some extent if she chooses. If circumstances change, if she wants to be more in or totally out, then I'll reevaluate. Coasting and observing is the way to go right now.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
