Thanks Harvey & CW. I think you are both right... a little bit of guilt but also a recognition that her injuries were such that it was unlikely she would have survived even if help had arrived a bit sooner. TDH seems to still be processing. His sleep was pretty disrupted when he first arrived at my house (up at 3 a.m. wandering around) but he seemed to settle more as the week went on so I think getting away from the scene of the crime was helpful. We got my garage organized but stopped short of painting it for reasons I will outline in the next part of this post...lol.
Strange twist in the saga that is my life.... Got an unexpected text on Saturday morning from XH. He advised me that his mom was having second thoughts about selling our house. I guess the prospect of moving at 83 years old started to feel too overwhelming. Anyway, long story short, he asked me what it would take to buy me out of my half of the house. So I calculated what I was expecting to get on the open market and we ended up settling for a bit less if he agreed to list his house with my twin sister (his suggestion since she would be out a commission not listing my house). The lesser amount really wasn’t that much of discount as it would have cost me that much in commission and the expense of continuing to fix every little thing that is wrong about the house [he told me not to bother]. We did a virtual handshake and he will be listing his house in a few weeks. It’s a seller’s market right now and his house is fairly new so I predict I will be out of my house by June. I was hoping to spend some of the summer there but the trade off is that we will definitely be able to start our build when we wanted to. And...my kids are happy they get to live in the house that they love 50% of the time and at the new house the other 50%. My son can no longer say that I lied to him when I told him it would be his forever home. Anyway...I will miss my ocean view but am happy my kids will be still be enjoying it. It’s as close to a win-win as you can get.
Hi All. It’s been awhile. I sat down a few days ago to write an update but then lost it somehow and didn’t have the energy to start over. Still don’t have the energy but here goes...lol.
So...I haven’t written in awhile because I’ve been struggling with making a decision that I’ve been putting off. While I still think TDH is a really great person, I have become increasingly aware that I’ve been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The past month or two, we’ve been unable to talk about anything more significant than the weather without getting into a serious disagreement. We just do not have the same belief system at all. I believe in education, science, and facts that have been established through research. He thinks beliefs and facts are the same thing
It came to a head on the weekend. He texted me that there is probably going to be a trial over the murder that happened downstairs and that they were claiming he was “insane” [not criminally responsible due to a mental disorder] and that it is BS. I told him that there might be something to it given what he said had happened that morning when the police had been called because the guy was distraught and crying in his driveway at 5 a.m. I said there would be a thorough assessment and they would figure it out. He then responded with “the people doing the assessing should be re-educated”.
For those of you who may not be aware, I spent eight years working in a facility that assessed and treated NCRMD youth who had committed violent offences and another 15 years working in mental health. Currently I am back working in forensics. I have been part of those assessments.
So...I explained to him that people who are seriously mentally ill tend to be people that no one wants to be around. They are suspicious and paranoid and unfriendly and sometimes they hide what is going on inside their minds quite well. People see signs of deterioration but often don’t know what it is they are seeing. We had a guy here years ago who murdered his three kids in a psychotic state. There were people who noticed a change in him and his behaviour but they just chalked it up to him being introverted and kind of a jerk. It wasn’t until after the murders that they realized just how ill he was.
His response to that... “you can read all the books you want...I know”. Ummm...I started out my career reading books but 95% of what I know is lived experience and he knows it. Suffice it to say, that did not go over well with me. It was kind of the last straw, to be honest. I ended up telling him that I just don’t think we are a good match and we are only going to continue to frustrate each other because neither of us are going to change. There are a few other incompatibilities as well (i.e. his drinking habits, the distance, etc...) but I didn’t go into those.
Anyway...now that I’ve finally made a decision, I feel like a weight has lifted. I feel bad because TDH is sad and didn’t want to break up but I know it is for the best. It is hard to let someone who loves you go but I would have only wanted to change him and even if he managed to make those changes, he would ended up resenting me for it. Better he find someone who is more like him.
Having said that, I have no regrets. He is, at his core, a good guy and we did have some fun together. I hope we can be friends in the future but given our differences, that’s unlikely to happen. We’ve exchanged a few texts but it’s awkward at this point. He is struggling and I want to comfort him but I know I would only make things worse if I tried and it might give him false hope. I definitely don’t want that. I’ve made up my mind and there is no going back.
Well...that’s the update. I have other things I could write about but I’ll save that for another post. (((HUGS)))
So...I haven’t written in awhile because I’ve been struggling with making a decision that I’ve been putting off. While I still think TDH is a really great person, I have become increasingly aware that I’ve been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The past month or two, we’ve been unable to talk about anything more significant than the weather without getting into a serious disagreement. We just do not have the same belief system at all. I believe in education, science, and facts that have been established through research. He thinks beliefs and facts are the same thing
((DV)) - I think you made the right choice. It took courage and compassion - both for yourself and for him.
The first woman I dated seriously was great. Kind, family oriented, passionate. But it was also a square peg / round hole situation along with some unresolved baggage on both sides. She had the courage to break it off and take responsibility for it even though I was at least as culpable for pushing things too fast and trying to force something that wasn't to be. My son mentioned to me the other day how much he liked her. She really is a great person, just not the person for me.
I am grateful to her for that and hope that TDH will in time come to feel the same way.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you for saying that Andrew. I hope you are right. It really was a difficult decision because there are a lot of things about him that I really did love and admire. But the things that I didn’t like would have become bigger over time. One thing that did get bigger was his drinking. He’s the kind of person that if there is a bottle of alcohol in the house, he can’t leave it alone until it is gone. I have bottles that have been in my cupboard for years. I mentioned to him that it bothered me he could drink so much (and not seem drunk). He told me it is just because when he visits me, he feels like he is on vacation but that he agreed he was drinking too much. This last visit, I challenged him to make it a “dry” visit. He told me “no problem”. Pretty quickly after he arrived, he borrowed my car to go to the store to get some Diet Pepsi which he proceeded to drink the rest of the night. I was impressed. He wasn’t drinking alcohol. The next morning, I found an empty bottle of Rye that wasn’t there the night before. So he had been drinking the entire time.
The day we were going to paint my garage, I found a full 26er of Fireball (his favourite) in an odd spot. He acted really surprised that it was there. I was so preoccupied with getting things done around the house, I took his surprise at face value but later on, when I was less busy, I realized he had hidden it out there so he could sneak off and take drinks of it. After finding it, I put it in my cupboard and it was 3/4 empty about four hours later when I opened the cupboard again. The next morning, the bottle was gone. I didn’t see him take a drink of it once and he never appeared drunk. If I drank 1/4 of that, I’d be passed out (I’m assuming...never drank that much before). That tells me his system is pretty used to alcohol. He also has a horrible memory (like a 90 year old) and I suspect it might have something to do with how much he drinks.
Anyway... whenever I brought up concerns about what I was seeing, he agreed that he was drinking too much but in denial about it being a problem. When you are hiding bottles of alcohol at your girlfriend’s place, it’s a problem - a problem that I don’t want or need in my life. There were some other things too and over time the cons started to outweigh the pros and I knew I needed to end it. It sux that it wasn’t a mutual decision but he and I have both been through worse so I know he will be okay in the end.
Sorry for your breakup. It’s hard when you care about them and they don’t want it. I really liked TDH from your descriptions, but it sounds like there was a lot that wasn’t matching—the distance, finding little that’s fun to talk about during your calls, not respecting your beliefs re: criminality when you have experience in the system, and alcoholism. Yes, finishing a bottle that you’ve hidden on a supposedly “dry” day puts it at a serious level, as does being so accustomed to it he didn’t appear particularly drunk.
Re: Drinking 1/4 bottle, hmm, tolerances do vary by body weight and genes. I’ve known women very affected by 2 shots (3oz) and it took 4 (6oz) to affect me significantly. (Behaviorally visible—separate from driving/fine motor skills). Although, I bet my tolerance is lower now -50#. No desire to buy/drink 1/4 bottle and re-test, lol.
"Never do anything you are reluctant to explain to your Maker, your auditor or your wife" ...
It's interesting how things come out about people we date when we choose to end it. Those things we willingly overlook because we want to believe the best in someone.
But like Ginger's former BF and his heavy pot use, my ex girlfriend's hoarding, we gloss over things, especially when talking about them to others that perhaps we should have a harder stance on.
Whether it was a secret drinking problem, secret smoking problem or heck, a secret Pokemon problem it's still a problem. Any time that someone has to hide something or lie that, to me should be a solid no-go. Especially after being called out on it and then they persist. If he had been open and said that he really needed that drink to relax that would be different in my own opinion.
Unfortunately I believe that it is incredibly common for people to conceal things that would upset others. Some people regard these as innocent white lies and I think that it would be pretty much impossible to find someone who doesn't do that.
I'm very proud of you DV for being strong.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Good job, DV! The drinking alone is reason enough - hiding bottles in the garage is definitely alcoholic behavior. But the dealbreaker for me would have been the anti-intellectualism and simplistic view of the world. I know there are a lot of people like that out in the world, but they really wouldn't be a match for me. And he's not a match for you either.
He reminds me of a guy I once dated, known here as Mr Big Lots (because he picked me up when I was shopping in Big Lots, and he was 6'6" of tall dark and handsome). I don't know if he was an alcoholic, but I remember being surprised to find him at home alone with a shot of scotch in the middle of the day. He's not a conspiracy theorist but his world pretty much revolves around fishing on his days off. Nothing at all wrong with that, just there weren't too many other interests. Add in the fact that he was an unreliable Love Avoidant, and I cut him loose pretty quickly. He makes a much better friend than a boyfriend.
Thanks everyone. Yes...KML...I think he would make a better friend than partner and I hope we can be that to each other one day. He really is a good person...would give you the shirt off his back. I think he really did love me a lot but he has some issues I’m just not prepared to take on at this stage of my life. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and he is living life like I did when I was in my 20’s. Well...not sure I ever lived my life that way to be honest. Actually he is living his life a lot like SD21 only he is a parent and 25 years older than her. I’m self aware enough to know that someone is not a good match with me. I don’t need someone who agrees with everything I say but he should be capable of critical thinking and smart enough to know what he doesn’t know. Like my BIL said when he had to come over because I was sure that TDH was going to destroy our pressure washer trying to start it (lots of buttons that he was pushing with seemingly no understanding of what he was doing)...”Nothing more dangerous than a confident man who has no idea what he is doing.” So back to the drawing board...lol. I’m okay though. Getting increasingly comfortable with the idea of being single for an extended period of time...lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!
So...life is strange... I’m a little bit hesitant to post this latest update because I suspect there might be some strong opinions coming my way but here goes...
Went for a short trip to Costco on Tuesday. Usually I go with my sister after work but I just had a couple things on my list so I thought I’d pop in on my lunch hour. Also in need of some new tires although I ended up forgetting about that...lol. Long story short, I ran smack dab into Brook. Yep...haven’t talked to him since last June or laid eyes on him since January 2020. But there he was. Hard to miss even with a mask. Anyway...could not avoid him and, to be honest, I still had some regrets over my reactivity back when we were regularly talking and still think he is probably a good guy who was just going through something so it felt like an opportunity for a corrective experience - for both of us. I wasn’t proud of my behaviour back then so it was nice to be able to have the opportunity to get rid of that negative regretful feeling I would get when something reminded me of him. So I took a deep breath and said “hi” and we both stopped and caught up a bit on each other’s lives.
Turns out, his suspicion that his ex had been cheating on him with his friend was confirmed the week we were supposed to have our first date. His “friend” has since sold his house and has moved in with his ex in their family home with Brook’s girls and they are doing the renovations that Brook always wanted to do but his ex didn’t. [I also realized in our conversation that he had only moved out of the family home two months before we started talking which kind of explains why his feelings were all over the map.] So...that was a tough pill to swallow but just when he got to the point where he felt he was over it, his older brother committed suicide (this past November - wasn’t on FB so I had no idea). His brother had been suffering with chronic migraines and felt like he was a burden to his wife and 6 year-old son. Everyone knew he was depressed but unfortunately no one knew he was suicidal. Brook’s parents are really struggling with the loss so he’s been spending more time with them and with his nephew. Hasn’t dated at all. Just focusing on self care and his family. He did get a permanent position with the hospital again so that’s one good thing that has happened. Although his youngest will be graduating in 2022 so he is seriously considering moving as both his daughters will be attending school out of town (in my town actually). Anyway...it was really, really good to see him so I told him if he ever wanted to chat, to feel free to message me and left it at that.
The next day I got a message from him at lunch asking me if he was remembering correctly that we had talked the day before. Uh...yeah. He then goes on to tell me that he had gone for a motorcycle ride after he got home and had gotten into an accident. Somehow he got back on his bike and drove home but his buddy insisted he go to emergency because he was “out of it”. He was there until 4 am and they diagnosed him with a concussion and some cracked ribs. He was concerned because he was experiencing some memory loss from the day before and everything was really foggy.
We ended up chatting a bit more and he has contacted me a few more times since with random jokes and musings. Our favourite teacher passed away this week so we have been reminiscing about him as well. This teacher was the BEST. To know him was to love him. He was just the kind of person who emanated love and positive regard for his students. I remember thinking he was pretty old when he taught me and then when I did the math, I realized he was exactly the age I am now...lol. That was a sobering revelation.
Anyway...before you guys send me all kind of warnings, please don’t worry. I am NOT getting all caught up in this the way I did a year ago. I learned my lesson last time. I am focusing on my move and on building my home. If he and I are going to have anything more than an online texting friendship, he’s going to have to be the one to make the effort to get together. I am done trying to force anything with anyone. These days, I am actually way more comfortable with the idea of being single, to be honest. I’m always going to have company since I’m moving in with my sister and BIL so I know I won’t be alone. If someone new comes into my life, that would be great but I’m not looking for it right now. No online dating. Just gonna go with the flow and have faith that what is meant to be will be.
Also heard from TDH yesterday. He texted “hi” and “this [censored]”. I didn’t know what to say so I just said “hi” back and “sorry”. I really, really hate hurting him. He is a good guy but I know 100% that I made the right decision. It was never going to work out. My only regret is that I didn’t break up with him earlier. My intuition had been screaming at me for some time so I agonized about it for way too long - worrying that I was somehow being too picky or not seeing the situation clearly. But there were just way too many fundamental differences between us...the drinking and the denial about the drinking was only the final nail in the coffin. I hate that he is hurting though. Everything in me wants to reach out to comfort him but I know that would be more about making myself feel better. Ultimately it would only be running the risk of giving him false hope and prolonging the pain. I keep telling myself that he got over the implosion of a 17 year marriage so he will get through this.
So...that’s the latest in DV Land. It’s a beautiful afternoon. Gonna do some cleaning and take my dog for a walk...maybe make my son come with me...lol. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
