Steve_'s Journey forward

[Traveler]

we ate. She asked if wanted to come over after to just hang out and I said “I’m gonna go home”she said okay, you smell nice and that was that.

If dinner was just you, your in-laws, and your kids--how was your ex-wife close enough to smell you?

asked me questions regarding a VR headset for my son by calling me, which I said not a good idea and I have to go and hung up.

You stayed on the phone and listened to all her questions--then said just that and hung up?

You seem to be starting to get the point fewer interactions are better--whether your goal is healthy detachment or an unhealthy reconciliation. As Drh2001 says, it's a start, and he proposed a couple of ways to improve upon this. Nothing about therapy yet. Hope you take steps towards that this week. Take care!

[Steve_]

So she calls me at work earlier. This is atypical so I return the call once I can step off the unit. I ask her what’s up?
She says oh hey, your son has been torturing me these whole 3 days. Driving me crazy... and I said “well he is 7” that’s what they do” and she said something else complaint wise about having to mom alone. I could hear the news on in the background and I wanted to stop the complaining about my son so I said “so is that the news is something going on?” She said “no” so I replied “well.. watching the evening news hmm what are you 55 now? Going to watch jeopardy next?” She laughed and then I said “I need to go, I’m on a new unit, I have to get back inside and make a good impression here, so I can get more shifts” she asked if I would call in the next day and watch my son and offered $300. I said “no, I’m not getting in trouble” and said “got to go” and hung up.

Bout 30 minutes later she texts me a photo of her feet in front of the TV with jeopardy on. (Last show on earth she would watch). I just replied about 45 minutes later with a thumbs up.

I don’t want to have to do some “don’t contact me angmore” thing to where it’s some emotional issue. I just want to contact less and less until she gets the hint I don’t want to talk. So far she is not getting it and I have been short, and fast to end it. Not coming over, and I NEVER reach out to her. It seems she is testing to see if I will continue to be indifferent toward her. Before I would say something affectionate or nonsense like that. Been since coming back from AZ I am as minimal as possible. Civil, polite, absolute minimal as I can be without total ignoring. I would completely ignore but it seems like that will cause drama I don’t want to deal with. I reply when I get around to it, with a minimum response and longer and longer each time. I am trying to detach without making some big no more contact boundary but it seems like if this keeps up I will have to do that.

I prefer when I don’t hear from her at all. It’s easier. I just don’t want the drama.

I am gettint ready to go out with guy friends from work to a local place that I put off forever. I work tomorrow so nothing crazy but I just want to feel good about moving forward and each time I get anything from her it sinks my feels for a second.

And as far as the counseling goes I have done my appointment this week and the dude said I am doing good with this plan did remaining Indifferent and not initiating contact.

[Steve_]

Also. A big reason for not doing the no contact boundary for anything but kids is because I have said it in the past and drew a line and each time she tests and I fold. I don’t want to do that again until I know I am 100% ready to not buckle to some game attempt to get me to talk. Because I reallt want my words and my actions to be congruent from now on. So I feel better about it but I am not 100% sure I can go straight NC without failing and being sucked into some BS reason to answer a call or something. I’m getting close and I feel that is coming up soon but I don’t want to fire that off and not back it up.

[LH19]

Steve,

Again this is what we have been talking about. This is just one of your schemes that fits your narrative. You are not indifferent you are friend zoned and that my friend is the worst place to be.

[JosephS]

Thanks for updating us!

Sounds line you are doing better but not really close. But that’s ok. A day at a time. I’m sorry you’re not ready to go no contact yet. It’s only going to hurt you more and more. It’s like someone who’s trying to quit smoking. It’s always their last pack and they’ll quit tomorrow.

Please feel free to update us more often. I can’t imagine there actually goes a day where you couldn’t come to at least journal.

[Kind18]

Don’t reply to any text messages unless it’s about the kids.

Sending a thumbs up because she is watching Jeopardy? WTAF. Just stop it.

If she rings, don’t call back. If it’s an emergency then she will call multiple times and send messages.

If it’s not a question, don’t reply.

[LH19]

I read once that a woman smells desperation like a dog smells fear.

Now that’s something to think about.

[Thornton]

I would assume she wants you to watch the kids so she can go on dates with other men. I’m glad you declined.

[SteveLW]

Steve_, we have been over the rules of engagement before:

"If she calls, let it go to VM. If it is important she will leave a VM or follow-up with a text. If she doesn't follow-up with a text then it it wasn't important. If she texts do not respond right away. If it is a question, answer it in as few words as possible, yes or no questions get yes or no answers."

You broke those rules in every way. Calling her back. Texting back a thumbs up to the feet and Jeopardy text. Steve_ you say:

"I just want to contact less and less until she gets the hint I don’t want to talk. "

So how does calling her back, and then texting her the thumbs up help her get that hint? Here is a hint: IT DOESN'T!

Your biggest problem all this time is being way too available to her, being way to communicative with her, and saying way too much when you do engage! If you just had to call her back (and you didn't) then this is how it should have gone:

Her: oh hey, your son has been torturing me these whole 3 days. Driving me crazy...
You: So you feel that your 7 year-old son is torturing you. Got it. I have to go.
Her: It is hard having to mom alone.
You: I understand that it is difficult to be a single parent. I really have to go. -hangup-

What a difference that would make. Who cares that she has the news on? And the $300 exchange would never have happened if you had just hung up.

Glad to hear you had a good session with the IC. Have you mentioned that you suffer from a bad case of Nice Guy Syndrome? That you need help working through that and getting to a place where you aren't calling her back and texting her emojis?

[SteveLW]

Also. A big reason for not doing the no contact boundary for anything but kids is because I have said it in the past and drew a line and each time she tests and I fold. I don’t want to do that again until I know I am 100% ready to not buckle to some game attempt to get me to talk. Because I reallt want my words and my actions to be congruent from now on. So I feel better about it but I am not 100% sure I can go straight NC without failing and being sucked into some BS reason to answer a call or something. I’m getting close and I feel that is coming up soon but I don’t want to fire that off and not back it up.

And to add to my last response, you don't set boundaries with words....you set them with actions. Don't say ANYTHING to her, just start employing the rules of engagement above.

And a word of caution, she will start to declare emergencies when there is no emergency. If you didn't call her back she might have eventually sent a text saying: "Please call me, it is an emergency."

If that happens, the second you realize it is not am emergency you end the call:

Her: oh hey, your son has been torturing me these whole 3 days. Driving me crazy...
You: This is the emergency? I have to go. In the future, do not tell me there is an emergency unless there is. -hangup-

You have a very bad WW. You are going to struggle until you learn the art of hanging up on her. Do not say bye. Do not wait for her to say bye, just hangup.