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kiro #2917657 04/11/21 02:36 AM
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I wanted to share another thought today

When I first started reading this forum more than 3.5 years ago, I had only 1 purpose: to fix my MR. And the way to achieve that purpose (I thought) was to find answers. And so I was only interested in reading success stories about people who were able to save their MR.

But I would often wonder about what happens to the majority of the people on this forum after they stopped writing. I'd wonder how many were able to save their MR? Did they find the answers they were looking for? Are they happy years later?

So I thought I'd answer these questions from my own story.

I was NOT able to save my MR.

And I didn't find the answers I was looking for. To this day, I can't really explain what happened. I can come up with plenty of theories about what happened, but they're just theories... What truly happened and why my exW behaved the way she did remain a mystery for me.

But I survived and so did my kids. The breakup and divorce left many scars for sure, but we were able to move on with our lives.

Some things in my life are still the same, but many things have changed. My perspective about certain things has changed. I matured and learned a lot in the process.

I got married again and I am happy in my new life and with my new wife. But it's a different kind of happiness.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2917665 04/11/21 11:39 AM
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Thanks for the update Kirk.

Can you elaborate on a different kind of happiness and what that means?


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
OnlyBent #2917669 04/11/21 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Thanks for the update Kirk.

Can you elaborate on a different kind of happiness and what that means?

So I wonít speak for Kiro but I can relate to what he is saying. I was happy being married and being part of an intact family. Now most of my happiness comes from the peace in my life being a single dating dad. I have like zero stress in my life.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
kiro #2917672 04/11/21 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by kiro
And I didn't find the answers I was looking for. To this day, I can't really explain what happened. I can come up with plenty of theories about what happened, but they're just theories... What truly happened and why my exW behaved the way she did remain a mystery for me.

The real point of my previous post was that we donít always find all the answers weíre looking for. Sometimes one needs to accept that reality and learn to move on.

2 years ago, a friend told me his own story to make that point. His father left him and his mother when he was a young kid and never came back. When he became a young man, he went through a phase of his life trying to find answers about his dad, but at some point, he learned that it was pointless and that for his own safe he needed to move on and accept that it was ok not to get the answers.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
OnlyBent #2917673 04/11/21 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Thanks for the update Kirk.

Can you elaborate on a different kind of happiness and what that means?

I didnít really think about it too much when I wrote that. I guess there are many layers to it and a lot that can be said to explain.

First, I agree with LH19. I was happy in my 1st MR in an intact traditional family. That was the life I had planned and wanted for myself and my children. Although I got remarried, due to some logistical matters my new wife and her daughter havenít yet moved in with me. So like LH, I still have a lot of single time that I enjoy either by myself or with my kids.

But I also meant that D is still bitter and comes with a price. I still have to pay alimony and child support. I still have to see my kids go from house to house with all their stuff every other week. There is the awkwardness with all the common friends that my ex and I had. And the awkwardness of bringing my new wife into that circle of friends who are still friends with my ex. And then you still need to sort your feelings about all the old memories. Itís definitely a big readjustment.

And then there are the scars from being cheated on. I felt like I was a child who lost his innocence and had to go through a painful experience to mature and learn a different side of life.

All these changes and the experience I went through changed me and my perspective about life. Thatís why I say Iím happy but in a different way. For example, I am much more grateful now for everything I have. I am kinder to the people in my life. I make more efforts to show my gratitude and love. I am more forgiving.

Yet at the same time, I learned to be more at peace with myself. I do things that I like. I have more hobbies than before. I started painting again and playing music. Basically, I do things for myself too.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2917676 04/11/21 06:01 PM
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Kiro, good to hear from you! When LBSs first come here it is so hard because we watch them struggle so much. To see you come back and with such strength and obvious control over your own life is so rewarding! I think most get there, but don't always come back to say they did.

Of course, many repeat their same mistakes. I did after my sitch in 2005. A good friend of mine is repeating history again in his new marriage. It requires being on guard and always working to prevent a repeat. (Note, this isn't for all LBSs since some WSs are just flawed and no matter how great of a S the LBS is the WS is going to flake out.)

We went out to a nice place last night for our 22nd anniversary. I always think back to where we were in 2005 and 2017 and resolve that I'm going to do all in my power to prevent it from occurring again. I can guarantee that if it all falls apart ever again that it won't be because of me.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2917684 04/12/21 01:46 AM
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
(Note, this isn't for all LBSs since some WSs are just flawed and no matter how great of a S the LBS is the WS is going to flake out.)

Yep. Totally true. The LBS has to know that the only thing they control is their own behaviour. They have no control over nor are they responsible for their Sís actions.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
We went out with to a nice place last night for our 22nd anniversary. I always think back to where we were in 2005 and 2017 and resolve that I'm going to do all in my power to prevent it from occurring again. I can guarantee that if it all falls apart ever again that it won't be because of me.

Iím really happy for you Steve. I hope things continue working out and that both you will live happily together. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing people reconcile their MR.

I totally agree with you about learning from mistakes and doing everything you can to have a healthy relationship. The feeling that you did everything you could is very important.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2917687 04/12/21 05:54 AM
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Quote


. There is the awkwardness with all the common friends that my ex and I had. And the awkwardness of bringing my new wife into that circle of friends who are still friends with my ex. And then you still need to sort your feelings about all the old memories. Itís definitely a big readjustment.

And then there are the scars from being cheated on. I felt like I was a child who lost his innocence and had to go through a painful experience to mature and learn a different side of life.
.


i went for a BBQ with joint friends last night and found it very awkward when they announced they are meeting WW and her PA next week! it left me feeling a little betrayed, but i will process this feeling and move on from it, so its interesting to hear someone who has moved on and is introducing his own new wife to those joint friends!

markw #2917693 04/12/21 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by markw
i went for a BBQ with joint friends last night and found it very awkward when they announced they are meeting WW and her PA next week! it left me feeling a little betrayed, but i will process this feeling and move on from it, so its interesting to hear someone who has moved on and is introducing his own new wife to those joint friends!

I still havenít introduced her to this circle of friends. But it will happen sooner or later.

I donít know if you can blame your friends for staying in touch with your WW. Itís a very awkward situation for them too. You donít know what story your WW has been telling them. Most friends try not to take sides and they think theyíre doing the right thing by staying neutral and supportive to both sides. Thatís very common.

But I did lose respect to some of my friends who took it a step further and actually encouraged her affair and the separation. But you also need to understand that I only see a small part of the truth. No one will tell you exactly who said what and who encouraged it. So at some point, youíll have to understand that the issues are between your W and you only. Itís better to keep your friends out of it or youíll lose them.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2917701 04/12/21 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by kiro
[quote=markw]
But I did lose respect to some of my friends who took it a step further and actually encouraged her affair and the separation.


Those aren't friends.

We use that term too loosely. I have made no secret to the board that I am a recovering alcoholic. I had "friends" that when I went into recovery no longer wanted to hang out. I made it clear that to remain sober I couldn't be around partying and drinking. They were not interested in hanging out without partying and drinking. Thus, not true friends.

Value true friends. Jettison those that are not.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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