One foot in front of the other

[Elbereth]

Thank you Wayfarer...it is so helpful to hear your take on my struggles with the step-parenting and step-kids. I don't have anyone in my life that is also a step-parent...so that has been hard for me now and ever since I became a parent. I am a child of divorce and I have an amazing step-dad that is more my dad then my bio-dad. But I didn't realize how hard being a step-parent would be until I became one. And my H hasn't really been as supportive of my efforts as he could be. I know he appreciated me doing it, but he didn't allow me to help raise the boys...shutting down my ideas or feelings even in front of them. I think he took every opinion, idea, feeling as somehow me saying he was/is a poor father. Anyway, I digress...and at this point, it doesn't even matter as they will be off to college and living different lives then what we all had in our home. And I will have more control over making my own relationship with them away from him...hopefully. Like you say, all I can do is keep being there for them and let them know I love them and want to be there for them. Thank you for your advice and insights. I have read your whole sitch and I admire you so much! So, thank you again for your perspective. It means a lot to me!

And Sage, you are soooooo right about Wayfarer...so I am happy to have my string 'hijacked'! And happy you stopped by too and shared your thoughts on my sitch.

I'm struggling even though I know I am doing the right things... The next few months are going to be soooo hard... Packing up, moving, divorcing and disrupting our younger sons life even more than this pandemic has. H is so selfish and blind...he just thinks 'kids are resiliant' and it's really no big deal what he is doing. I'm trying to be strong but it is still hard. Even though I know I will be okay. Just because I am strong enough to handle pain, doesn't mean I deserve it.

El

PS. I know I shouldn't stalk the OW. I don't feel anything towards her...as I cannot even see why he is into her (I think he's stuck in the past and has no idea of who this current version of her is). Somehow it just keeps reminding me how lost he is. She doesn't have anything on me. And she is getting this current version of H...the one that I don't like, that has no integrity, who is selfish, who is lost. I had the best of him. And when I say I'm sorry for them, I'm sorry for her husband and kids. Not for her. She's just as messed up as my H.

[Elbereth]

One more thing I didn’t mention this am. Last night the three of us had dinner together for the first time in a long time. And all H could talk about was how s18 will lose the car in a few weeks and we’ll need to “deal with” the remaining vehicles, and how things will change with selling the house etc. Like that’s exciting stuff to finally sit together and discuss and look forward too. Poor kid is like, okay, that’s fine. I don’t even think it’s clicked in that when he comes back the next time he may need to start packing up his room. I have no idea even if H has a place lined up that can include his son. He’s just oblivious on how his decisions are disrupting all of our lives. It made me so angry and depressed last night.

I know I can have a place for our son until the fall at least. So I am at least taking him into account while H can’t wait to start his new life with his AP. Trying not to get sucked into his behavior and the drama but it’s so hard...especially when it comes to the kids. I wish I could make up for both of their bio parents. I’m so worried about them having healthy relationships when both of their bio parents have shown so little respect for their partners.

One day at a time. I can only control my actions.

[Traveler]

Hi Elbereth,

I respect you for taking the step-parent role seriously. Some parents don't prioritize their biological kids, and here you are prioritizing kids that aren't even yours biologically. That's brilliant and beautiful.

I know he appreciated me doing it, but he didn't allow me to help raise the boys...shutting down my ideas or feelings even in front of them. I think he took every opinion, idea, feeling as somehow me saying he was/is a poor father.

I'm ashamed to say I treated one of my ex-GFs similar to the way your ex-H treated you. I resented her trying to be my kids' step-mom. Is it possible, instead of feeling threatened, that dynamic was at play in your relationship? I mean to say he wanted you as "wife" but not as "step-mom" and you taking on that role bothered him? In my case, some of that ex-GF's values weren't in-line with my own.

[wayfarer]

So I just wanted to address a couple of thigs.

But I didn't realize how hard being a step-parent would be until I became one. And my H hasn't really been as supportive of my efforts as he could be. I know he appreciated me doing it, but he didn't allow me to help raise the boys...shutting down my ideas or feelings even in front of them. I think he took every opinion, idea, feeling as somehow me saying he was/is a poor father.

It is hard being a step parent. Honestly its been one of my biggest parenting challenges period.

I made it very clear early in our relationship that H had two choices. That if our relationship was to be so serious that we would move in together and plan for marriage I would be an extra parent or I would be nothing. I would not be a nanny to his D. I dug my heels in on what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I even went so far as to say that if he wanted to play games with this stuff that I'd be perfectly fine parenting my child solely but he needed to understand that would involve me essentially ignoring his D. I would not provide rides, meals, homework help or any other nanny duties, and I had a strong enough support system that I required nothing of him if he didn't want to co-parent with me.

I also absolutely refused to parent the way he parented. If he was being a crappy dad I had absolutely no qualms about pointing it out. I would never undermine him with his child in the moment but more often then not I'd go back in and do band-aid parenting once she had calmed down. And I drew very clear lines with his authoritarian parenting style and my D. I've spent my entire adult life trying to be the best parent I can be I wasn't going to allow him to undo that. All of this resulted in a lot of fights. Fights where he pitted me against my daughter, pitted me against his daughter, pitted our girls against each other. And I would call him out every time. It took many, many fights and years of refusing to back down before H finally accepted that maybe his parenting style wasn't the most effective and that sometimes he made parenting choices on what served him best not what was best choice for his daughter to learn and grow.

No body wants to hear they're being a less than stellar parent. Nor do they want to hear that they are the bad guy in a situation, but I was always of the mindset that we either bare down work through this to become one family unit no matter how rough it got or there was no point in being in a relationship. The kids come part and parcel, it's all or nothing. We had a lot of bumps and bruises working out how to parent each other's kids, how to parent with each other, and how to parent with our exes. But we got through it.

I will until the day I die feel that romantic relationship can't exist on an island away from someone's children. In my world separation of spouse and step-parent is telling both the children and your spouse you aren't a family nor will you ever be one. You're creating a competition for affection, attention, and a designing a whole lot of animosity out of the gate. I genuinely question the motives of a person who tries to do this.

I'm struggling even though I know I am doing the right things... The next few months are going to be soooo hard... Packing up, moving, divorcing and disrupting our younger sons life even more than this pandemic has. H is so selfish and blind...he just thinks 'kids are resiliant' and it's really no big deal what he is doing. I'm trying to be strong but it is still hard. Even though I know I will be okay. Just because I am strong enough to handle pain, doesn't mean I deserve it.

My H did the same thing in the heart of the A. He even had the audacity to get angry with his D and ask her why she couldn't just be happy for him. He looked a 15 year old in the face and wanted to know why she couldn't just be happy for him when he was completely blowing up the only stability she ever had in her life.

He also repeatedly told me that he couldn't in good conscious make an effort to work on our MR for the kids, as they would be moving out soon, and it was our relationship not theirs. He refused to acknowledge that we were a family.

He didn't even bother with the "kids are resilient" excuse. He, at that time, truly believed his happiness was of the utmost importance and his D would just get over it (it being you know our marriage and family) and adapt. Oh and if not, oh well. She can live with her mom.

Now looking back on that he hates himself. And has all but begged on his knees for forgiveness from these girls. But these WS/WAS are truly something else, I tell you. I just don't know what level of affair fog, MLC, narcissism, what ever it is to be so tunneled that you genuinely don't care about the feelings and well being of your own children.

I know I can have a place for our son until the fall at least. So I am at least taking him into account while H can’t wait to start his new life with his AP. Trying not to get sucked into his behavior and the drama but it’s so hard...especially when it comes to the kids.

You are an amazing bonus parent and I can completely understand how hard it is to not to want to at the very least dig in, shut him down or all out fight for the sake of the kids.

I wish I could make up for both of their bio parents. I’m so worried about them having healthy relationships when both of their bio parents have shown so little respect for their partners.

The thing is we can't control this so we can't worry about it. All we can do is be the best versions of us we can be, and do the most we can to support them.

I respect you for taking the step-parent role seriously. Some parents don't prioritize their biological kids, and here you are prioritizing kids that aren't even yours biologically. That's brilliant and beautiful.

El this is so, so true. What you are doing for S18 is brilliant and beautiful.

[Elbereth]

Being a child of divorce and experiencing my moms few boyfriends that were not good to us (whom she got rid of when it became obvious), I knew from a child’s point of view how important the role was. So, I didn’t enter into the relationship lightly. And I admitted I wasn’t sure how to do the job but I was open to trying. In marrying him, I was also marrying his kids. He made it clear they were a priority in his life and he verbally supported my involvement. He told me to play a larger role like being part of discipline etc, but the problems arose when his actions didn’t support his words. So I’d back off and stay out of it, and if he was stressed he’d push it on me to handle, but then he’d again shut me down, do the opposite, etc. After time the kids really didn’t listen to me unless he was out of town. Our parenting styles are different. So I know some of that played a role. But one has to realize there is no rule book or instruction manual on raising kids...so being open to trying new things is a good thing. Instead of considering my approaches, he shut them down then complained to me about how the kids were not acting the way they should. But he would never shift his actions to the shifting tactics the kids throw out. He also allowed them to walk all over me. I love them and overall they are wonderful kids, but they do not show me as much respect as I would have liked as a result of my H’s actions.

I’ll never really know or understand why H acted this way towards my relationship with the kids. But he made it clear in words and actions that he wanted me to be a co-parent to them but sabotaged my actions. It was constant confusion for me. And frustration. I’ve struggled to figure out where I fit with them. All three of them. The older son at one point treated me really poorly. I finally had a very honest discussion with him about how I was in his life by choice...that unlike his bio parents, I could choose to leave. After that things shifted with him and now he shows more love and respect towards me than the younger one. The younger one has been harder as he’s really a mamma’s boy and very sensitive and for many years his bio mom tried to turn him away from me or used guilt with him to try to affect our relationship. So, even though I know he loves me, there’s always been this emotional wall with him. I’ve always held out in my mind that with emotional maturity that both boys would fully realize my love, sacrifice, and commitment to them. But the upcoming D does have me afraid that I will lose them too, as with this age, kids are pulling away from their parents anyway and having my life separate from their fathers life will make things even more complicated. But as Wayfarer suggests, I can only keep trying, telling them I love love them, and keep my door open to them. I can’t control anything else.

I think it’s great that you recognize your behavior towards your ex-GF trying to step-mom. The way I see it, parenting is hard work so why would you want to do it alone? And all of us have been kids once and have ideas that might be worth trying. Kind of like DBing, find what works and keep doing it. Right? Why would anyone want a relationship with someone who didn’t make their kids a priority? I feel that is the most admirable thing, and realizing how very hard being a step-parent is, I’m surprised by how little support we get from our spouses when trying our best to help and to love kids that are not our own. Throw in ex-partner (other bio parent) drama and it’s the hardest job ever. In your situation, you say “values weren’t aligned with yours” but if that is the case why would you even want to have a relationship with someone whose values are not aligned? I have a feeling that it may not have been your values but parenting style you have versus hers. My values were aligned with my H, it’s just my parenting style was different. I was raised differently, not better, just differently. And I think he felt like my suggestions were attacks on him personally and he’d rather keep his pride then have one of my ideas work better than his. It’s like being in a team sport but you keep playing as if you are the only player. Makes no sense to me. Do what works. Who cares who’s idea it was?

In the end, I think part of his crisis is that he’s angry that his kids are not what he hoped they would be. He looks at other people’s kids and wonders why they are so much better in his eyes then his own. But he was the one that got in the way of changing their behaviors and he was the one who enabled the bad behaviors by not putting an end to them. He wouldn’t allow any help from anyone, so what they are now is of his doing and he can’t seem to admit that. Blames other outside forces or just says “they are kids”. But strangely those other kids seem to have turned out better based on luck?

Anyway, I hope that I’m not offending you by my statements. I’m just trying to express my feelings in my situation and not trying to assume yours was the same. Parenting is hard. I admire you for being the parent you are!

El

[Elbereth]

It is hard being a step parent. Honestly its been one of my biggest parenting challenges period.

I made it very clear early in our relationship that H had two choices. That if our relationship was to be so serious that we would move in together and plan for marriage I would be an extra parent or I would be nothing. I would not be a nanny to his D. I dug my heels in on what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I even went so far as to say that if he wanted to play games with this stuff that I'd be perfectly fine parenting my child solely but he needed to understand that would involve me essentially ignoring his D. I would not provide rides, meals, homework help or any other nanny duties, and I had a strong enough support system that I required nothing of him if he didn't want to co-parent with me.

I also absolutely refused to parent the way he parented. If he was being a crappy dad I had absolutely no qualms about pointing it out. I would never undermine him with his child in the moment but more often then not I'd go back in and do band-aid parenting once she had calmed down. And I drew very clear lines with his authoritarian parenting style and my D. I've spent my entire adult life trying to be the best parent I can be I wasn't going to allow him to undo that. All of this resulted in a lot of fights. Fights where he pitted me against my daughter, pitted me against his daughter, pitted our girls against each other. And I would call him out every time. It took many, many fights and years of refusing to back down before H finally accepted that maybe his parenting style wasn't the most effective and that sometimes he made parenting choices on what served him best not what was best choice for his daughter to learn and grow.

No body wants to hear they're being a less than stellar parent. Nor do they want to hear that they are the bad guy in a situation, but I was always of the mindset that we either bare down work through this to become one family unit no matter how rough it got or there was no point in being in a relationship. The kids come part and parcel, it's all or nothing. We had a lot of bumps and bruises working out how to parent each other's kids, how to parent with each other, and how to parent with our exes. But we got through it.

I will until the day I die feel that romantic relationship can't exist on an island away from someone's children. In my world separation of spouse and step-parent is telling both the children and your spouse you aren't a family nor will you ever be one. You're creating a competition for affection, attention, and a designing a whole lot of animosity out of the gate. I genuinely question the motives of a person who tries to do this.

I wish I had had your advice before I committed to this family. I think I would have have acted very much that way if I had a child of my own and I had some experience as a parent under my belt. But since I didn't, and had no one in my life to help guide me, I was naive to believe that when he told me he wanted me to be involved and coparent the kids, that he meant it. I am a strong person and I did try to demand what I needed and tried to tell him my thoughts away from the kids, etc, but nothing I did satisfied H...in a way that would allow him to accept my help. In the end, I do and did feel like more of a maid and cook and less of a parent that I wanted to be.

My H did the same thing in the heart of the A. He even had the audacity to get angry with his D and ask her why she couldn't just be happy for him. He looked a 15 year old in the face and wanted to know why she couldn't just be happy for him when he was completely blowing up the only stability she ever had in her life.

He also repeatedly told me that he couldn't in good conscious make an effort to work on our MR for the kids, as they would be moving out soon, and it was our relationship not theirs. He refused to acknowledge that we were a family.

He didn't even bother with the "kids are resilient" excuse. He, at that time, truly believed his happiness was of the utmost importance and his D would just get over it (it being you know our marriage and family) and adapt. Oh and if not, oh well. She can live with her mom.

Now looking back on that he hates himself. And has all but begged on his knees for forgiveness from these girls. But these WS/WAS are truly something else, I tell you. I just don't know what level of affair fog, MLC, narcissism, what ever it is to be so tunneled that you genuinely don't care about the feelings and well being of your own children.

I see so much of my H in the way your H acted. I just hope that he also realizes someday what he has done and tries to make amends with his kids. I am also confused at how they can be so tunneled that they don't care/can't see/don't want to know what the impacts of their decisions are having on their families and kids. I do hope he comes around. Knowing yours did gives me hope. What was it that finally had your H see what he'd done in that area? Did you have to point it out to him while in reconciliation or did he realize it on his own? Or did his D point it out?

I really don't know what I am doing with parenting, I'm just trying my best...flying by the seat of my pants! With lots of holes and tears in them too boot! lol I'm not sure if what I am doing is brilliant and/or beautiful, or a huge waste of ten years of my life...leaving me with an H and kids who didn't appreciate me and will move on without me. But they are the only kids I will ever have. I hold onto that and my love for them and try to hope for the best outcome.

Thanks,
El

[Elbereth]

Hello, me again. Just had a convo with H and had to write about it. I know I shouldn't initiate R convos, but as he wants to put the house on the market and get the D rolling, I am kind of getting frustrated with this whole limbo thing as I mentioned earlier. I asked if he has discussed with S18 about how he will be packing up his room when he comes back for his next visit. He says no. I ask do you have an apartment lined up? He says no. He says he may stay in AirBnBs for a bit, and even so, he may move out of town. So I tell him that I have something lined up that can include S18 until Fall for sure, and he says "I didn't ask you to do that" and I said, "I didn't do it for you". OMG?! His timeline the the told us to plan for is six weeks and he's not acted on a thing!

He says, for so long you kept wanting to postpone things. Why are you in a rush now? I said that every day that goes by he's spending OUR money on his A. And as I put everything into this marriage, I have very little saved so I want financial security and I don't want to pay for his A. He asks if this is the BEST time to put the house on the market (not including any emotional stuff). I said yes, but you can't disregard the emotional stuff. Truth is that this is the WORST time for me and his son. But that doesn't matter...that he has made a choice that is best for him. So I said let's just get it over with. That I am making accommodations for our S18, let's just get it over with so we can try our best to move forward. I want a timeline. Let's just do it.

He still doesn't seem to realize that he is destroying our family unit. That his actions have repercussions. That if he really cared about me and/or his son, he'd be focusing on our family. Instead, he is so ready to just walk away from all of it. He doesn't even want much stuff. He wants to simplify....really? He drove most of our family purchases. He insisted on things to be as they are. I tried to make things more organized, structured, and less stressful, and I tried to co-parent and help with that stress, and he fought me every step of the way. Now he can't wait to get away from all the projects, his responsibilities and the mess that is our life.

I almost want him to go move in with her...I want him to see that she doesn't make him happy. That it's all HIM...that he has to do the work on HIMSELF. That he can't run from things...that they are always there because they are inside of you. I wanted to stand for him, I did, but I don't know if I can anymore... I'm not in a rush to find someone new, but I refuse to wait for him to come to his senses. I'm in my 50s. My time is short in finding a partner to spend my life with. I don't want to rush into anything, but I also don't want to wait for something that I don't know if will ever happen. Maybe this is just me dropping the emotional rope a bit too far...but I honestly don't know if I ever want a life with him again. Sure, there is a part of me that will always love a part of him...but in looking at reality, I deserve so much more than what he is willing to give. Let her have him. He's an A-hole. Can't wait for them to live together and burst the long-distance fantasy bubble they have going.

[SteveLW]

Elbereth, personally I think you're still trying to hold on too tight. It's almost if by rushing him he'll have second thoughts. I think your statement on wanting him to move in with OW proves this.

Elbereth, lots of LBSs come here and try to fool themselves into believing that they are doing things to move things along in the name of "moving on".

Here's the thing... What is the rush? It's waited this long why can't it wait longer? So he had a timeline and he is reneging on that timeline. Yep, that's about 99.9% of all WSs. Their follow through on things is awful. Vets here used to always point out that it is usually the LBS that ends up filling for D, or moving it forward, etc.

As far as the financial side, I get that. But I wonder if the fact he's spending money on her is what it really bugging you? I can understand you feeling that way, but if you're rushing things to end that I think you'll be surprised. Plus all you need to do is document everything and get that to your lawyer. Most places will take spending into account from the point of separation. So his spending, if properly documented, will likely come out of his half of community property.

One last word of warning, if you're rushing things to end the pain, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. Lots of LBSs rush things for the wrong reasons and end up D'd and miserable. This is why you should be working on yourself, dealing with your emotional baggage related to him, and learning to move forward happy and healthy. This last post concerns me because it's all about him. Where is your GAL? Where are the self improvements? Have you been working on emotional detachment?

Elbereth, I forget, are you in IC?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Elbereth

Once a spouse reaches the point of walk away spouse, they’ve already internally thrown away so much. The external actions - bomb drop, the aftermath, and fantasy life - is what we then see. Of course we are shocked that someone could flip a switch and become the almost exact opposite of who they were were. The truth is their shift was slow and happened over quite some time. All internal emotional pressures with very little to do with us the left behind spouse.

Kids also get tossed aside. Many many WAS become terrible parents. My XW threw away her children. Her words during her surprise exit speech at Thanksgiving Dinner to the whole family including extended parents, as she dropped the bomb and moved out - “You get the house and cars. And the kids, unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”

They have checked out and become terrible parents. They are lost souls.

We LBS, you, can only control you. You become the best parent, step-parent, person, you will be. Not can be, will be!

Everyday we can grow and be better. Become the best you will be. When your last breath is exhaled you will have become the best you can be, until then work to be what you will become.

S18 and S20 both have significant upheaval in their young lives. Consider how mixed up this is to you, and you are 51 with a lifetime of experience. These lads need some guidance and dear old Dad ain’t the guy to step up. And it sounds like he wasn’t much able too before either.

Remember, you control you. It is excellent that you love the boys. And I understand the awkwardness of the relationship between you and each of them. Make that R stronger and better.

Your H, like my XW, is off on his fantasy to live with unicorns and fairies. My XW said she was willing to lose her kids for her chance at happiness. I suspect your H is similarly fogged and lost. It shows in his behaviour towards the boys. He has no plan nor real idea aside from some Airbnb or move out of town or God knows what. Six weeks and H hasn’t done a thing. H is driven and follows his emotions right now. And emotions make for some really poor decisions, especially life altering decisions.

Notice how H got all mad when you mentioned you had something lined up that would look after son until at least fall.

Which leads to my advice and suggestions from my experience. You control you. Take the actions you will.

Do have a place that can include son. No need to explain it to H.

Talk to “your” boys. They are 18 and 20. Adults. Step-sons. Treat them as such. Treat them as friends and be their Mom. I sense you got the loving Mom thing down pat. As kids turns into adults they need to push away and find their own feet. It is a difficult time for a parent; as if any time is a walk in the park. Aside from actually walking in the park.

Speak with them as equals. Not to them, rather with them. Be open about their father’s interaction. And his lack thereof. Assure them you will be there for them. Answer questions honestly and age appropriately, which given their adult age will be pretty uncomfortable I suspect. They need answers and guidance, and you have the golden opportunity to provide for them. Of course they have to walk their path as well in all this, so a gentle approach will be required.

Never demonize their Dad. That is as much for you as it is for them. You job is not to facilitate the relationship between Dad and his boys, your job is not to destroy it. That goes for any parent, step or bio matters not. You are responsibly for your side of the relationship between you and each son; Dad is responsible for his.

I’ve walked this razor’s edge. Been yelled at, lash out to, and had to accept much more than I deserved from my kids. You see, kids cannot risk loosing their walk away parent. These poor youngsters need to express their emotions and they cannot tell dear old Dad what they think and feel. So, you will get the fallout aimed at you. It helps if you understand why the kids need to do what they need to do.

In time, as they, as we all do, grow up, they will express themselves clearly to Dad. And you will be fine and loved. It is interesting, the strong stable parent is always loved deeply, especially while the child is lashing out. That shows just how much they trust and feel comforted by you. They can express their feelings and know you will always be there.

Those are just a few ideas or goals to keep in mind as you journey forward along your path. I found most people have the desire to walk the needed and difficult path, they just needed clarity on the noble goals and direction to walk.

I wanted to stand for him, I did, but I don't know if I can anymore... I'm not in a rush to find someone new, but I refuse to wait for him to come to his senses.

We all start out that way. Standing is our default, a byproduct, until we heal enough to stand down. That is when standing really starts.

You don’t stand for H, or for your M. You stand for you!

Stand for you. Three words with a world of meaning.

You. Integrity, honour, honesty, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, loyalty, empathy, understanding, vows, and so on. Those tenets and core beliefs of life far eclipse H or M. There is an incredible strength when standing for yourself and your good noble values. It becomes a way of life. One lives to be the best they will be.

You might divorce, might have another relationship, or might not. Yet, you can and will stand for you.

Do the requisite business side of your situation to ensure your financial protection and security.

Do the requisite inner work to grow and strengthen your emotional, intellectual, and spiritual self.

Each path is necessary. Each path is different, and has different reasons and goals.

The latter path is much more a life long pursuit. One can get wrapped up in the need and rush to acquire financial security and couple their emotional path to a similar tact. Be patient and do your inner work slow and well, for it will serve you a lifetime.

D

[Elbereth]

Elbereth, personally I think you're still trying to hold on too tight. It's almost if by rushing him he'll have second thoughts. I think your statement on wanting him to move in with OW proves this.

Hi SteveLW, thank you for your perspective. It does give me things to think about. I do not feel I am hoping he will have second thoughts or that I am pressuring him. I mean, I am not looking at it that way. Sure, I want him to realize the mistake he has made for my own pride, but I honestly do not feel like he will come around anytime soon regardless of what I do. One big thing that has me very impatient is that my H has problems finishing things. All things. Work, projects, everything. Even his closest friends tell him and he knows it but he can't help himself. I feel I am another unfinished thing in his life. He's already moved on to the next thing. He also doesn't deal with stress well and is forever overwhelmed (as if no one else has stress). I could wait it out...sure, let him stall, but then I feel I would just be going along while he's having a life with someone else, and I am in limbo while my assets that we share disappear. My fears financially really shifted to the max level when I discovered that he has already embedded himself legally and financially with this OW. So, yes, I want to protect myself financially...and yes, it's the best timing for selling the house (which is our most valuable asset), and yes, I want to be able to move forward myself and focus on my life (and my step-sons) instead of waiting for him to decide what he is doing. I can't control him, but I don't have to sit by and let him stall either...I have some influence is getting the process going. So that is what I am trying to do. I maybe could have done a better job at it, but that was my goal.

I've discussed all of this with my L and it has said that up until the separation (as my L sees it in our timeline as already in the past), funds will be looked at for what he has spent. But after that, it gets much harder in my state, so my L is also pressuring me to get the ball rolling as well as account for some of the known spending thus far. But he's hiding the thing with the OW, so I expect that he is hiding more. This will be my second D. Financially, I am devastated. So every little cent I can save/get matters. I put everything into both of my marriages. You think I would have learned but I didn't...I really have very little of my own, separate from our shared assets. So, yes, I'm afraid...and financially I should be. I'm not in good shape.

One last word of warning, if you're rushing things to end the pain, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. Lots of LBSs rush things for the wrong reasons and end up D'd and miserable. This is why you should be working on yourself, dealing with your emotional baggage related to him, and learning to move forward happy and healthy. This last post concerns me because it's all about him. Where is your GAL? Where are the self improvements? Have you been working on emotional detachment? Elbereth, I forget, are you in IC?

I agree, this last post WAS all about him. I am trying very hard to in the GAL area. I am getting out for long walks that allow me to think, plan and dream, I take hot baths, I hang out with friends, I am doing a financial course to help me learn how to manage what money I will have left (and work with an investor to help it grow), and I'm working on my portfolio to expand my business prospects. I'm reading a lot of self-help books too. I'm getting exercise, I'm eating well, and I've been doing a lot of trips to the doctors to get my health back. I feel frustrated and sad at what is happening, and it's hard and it [censored], but I am functioning...I am moving forward, I am planning my future. I'm not waiting around for him or asking him to change his mind anymore. I hope this means I am doing the right things? At least I'm trying...but...I am still stalking the OW on social...and I know I should stop. Soon I will.

As for IC, I'm in between at the moment. But planning to do more FOR SURE. I agree that it's important. I am doing everything I can to move forward happy and healthy regardless of what happens with H. Anyway, thank you for your perspective and suggestions. I am really trying to be logical about my situation, and I am trying to do as much of the work on myself as I can too.

El