But I can tell you from reading the other sitches here is that you will struggle just as bad with PS if you ignore good DB principles!
Completely disagree. First of all time and space are the only things that help with detachment. Physical separation is the only way to get your spouse to wondering what you are up to which is what you want if you want to turn this around immediately. Nothing sounds worse then a LBS watching there WW get al gussied up to go out and sleep with OM. Check out Nick Wingers thread.
The only advantage to IHS is more time with the kids but it is easier to start the process now and ease it into the divorce.
Completely disagree. First of all time and space are the only things that help with detachment.
For me, space definitely improved detachment. I feel much less detached since I came back, so that is a negative.
Originally Posted by LH19
Physical separation is the only way to get your spouse to wondering what you are up to which is what you want if you want to turn this around immediately.
This part I don't agree with, I actually think IHS is better for this in my sitch. Part of the problem with our M was that I lost a lot of my individuality and withdrew socially, letting my life be too defined by the MR. Lately, and not just due to lockdowns, I spent all of my time with her and the kids without living my own life (we need not discuss how she would also complain when I would do social things on my own). If we were physically separate I am sure she would assume I am just sitting at home all the time as that is more in line with how I'd been the past few years. With IHS she actually sees me leave to do things.
Originally Posted by LH19
Nothing sounds worse then a LBS watching there WW get al gussied up to go out and sleep with OM.
True. Nothing like walking by her room and the whole place reeking of perfume.
Originally Posted by LH19
The only advantage to IHS is more time with the kids but it is easier to start the process now and ease it into the divorce.
Time with kids is a big part of why I want to be here. Also a lot was I just was not productive working at home away from home. With the rest of my life drastically changing I need to keep some stability in my work and I'm much better off here. The good thing, for me at least, is I can see an endgame. We are fixing up the house to put it on the market so we are looking at a few months. If I was facing an indefinite limbo like some on the board I think I would be going a bit more crazy about it.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Just read your thread. Glad you stopped the nesting. I had IHS, then nesting, then separate houses. I will leave the quibbling to LH and LW.
One of the key things in your growth is letting go of the need to control other people. Makes the process much easier. Are you familiar with the four agreements? if not, google it.
I struggle with different love languages. My lady is an "acts of service" and "words of affirmation" person. I constantly have to remind myself that is what she needs. I don't need either of those to feel loved. She does.
In your case, I believe nailing down your validation skills would be good. Validate how she feels.
Focus on what you can control. Your behavior, the way you interact with others, and the words you say. Your most important relationship is with your children. Be the calm rock for them during this most difficult time.
Set your W free. The sooner the better. Forgive her daily (or more frequently if needed). She will not have a change of heart, until she misses what she had with you. Then you can reevaluate your relationship with her.
Until then DB and DB some more.
I wish you well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am not familiar with the four agreements but I'm going to look into it. I've also seen a lot of talk of NGS on this board and from what I've gathered I think it might be applicable so I'm going to check that book out too. All part of the self improvement.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Set your W free. The sooner the better. Forgive her daily (or more frequently if needed). She will not have a change of heart, until she misses what she had with you. Then you can reevaluate your relationship with her.
This really struck me. I have been struggling with detachment, and I think I have been hung up on anger and bitterness. I suppose those things are natural when grieving, but it isn't the way I want to stay. Anger isn't going to let me move forward, it isn't going to help my kids, and it isn't going to help improve my relationship with my W (even if that relationship is coparents and nothing more). I think I've finally realize that anger simply keeps me attached to her. If I can forgive her then I can let her go. So yes, I think that forgiveness is what I will be working on.
In other news, yesterday we had a 2.5 hour session of property negotiation. It went about as well as I could have expected, we have agreed to the terms of the vast majority of things which is nice, though there are some details left. I hope we can finish amicably and avoid the many horror stories I've read about wasting thousands and thousands of dollars on lawyers.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Sounds good. Don't be too afraid of lawyers. Lawyers can be great for ensuring you get what you're entitled to if you listen to them and let them work. My experience is it's the side arguing for more than the law naturally gives them who spends the lion's share on lawyers.
Anger isn't going to let me move forward, it isn't going to help my kids, and it isn't going to help improve my relationship with my W (even if that relationship is coparents and nothing more). I think I've finally realize that anger simply keeps me attached to her.
One of the key things I learned with anger was to recognize it, really feel it, quantify it (ie frustrated vs raging) and then channel that raw energy into something productive. Some guys here channel that energy into their work outs. Most of the time I would channel my frustration with the children into constructive "family meetings". I would start "Why am I frustrated?"
This weekend went ok. Saturday was S9's birthday, I took him out to lunch to get his favorite food and got him some books he had wanted. Saturday morning I went on a hike and Saturday night I went out as W wanted to see a movie with him. I mostly just did some errands. Sunday I took the kids to my dad's for Easter. W went out Friday and Sunday but I am finding myself less and less concerned by that.
One problem I am having is with GALing. W and I are pretty much giving each other 3 nights a week where we can be alone and the other stays with the kids, so there is sufficient opportunity. I am getting out of the house just fine, but I am having difficulty finding stuff to do. I've said before, we moved here just a few years ago and I spent almost all my time with the family and didn't really work on building friendships around here. All of my really good friends are much longer term and live far away. It's also somewhat rural so there's not a ton going on. Meetup groups are sparse around here and I quit drinking a little while back so I'm not going to go to bars. So for the most part I'm just going out and doing things solo: hikes, restaurants I've wanted to go to, errands, or even just driving around and exploring.
I will note that I'm ok with this. I'm an introvert that doesn't require a lot of social interaction. And I'm not sitting at home stewing and thinking about the M, I am out and about doing stuff, just not being social. I just wonder if that's a bad thing, if I need to force myself to be more social at this point, I'm going to need more of a network once D happens. Whenever the vaccine gets more widespread that may help. For example, there's a chess club nearby I want to join, but they aren't meeting right now. A lot of stuff is like that, I've had interest in things but they are kind of on pause for now. Hopefully we'll be back to normal soon.
One thing on the plus side, I am doing better I think with anger and forgiveness that I talked about last week. Whenever anger comes up I try to couple it with forgiveness and it somewhat subsides, I have also tried to channel it a bit into my workouts, as R2C mentioned lots of folks do. Like I said I have begun to feel much less emotion on the nights W goes out, where at the beginning I certainly felt a lot. I think that is a good sign and perhaps detachment is starting to come along, though I'm sure it will ebb and flow.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Strong progress, and you're thinking about the right things, and in the right direction.
Originally Posted by mako
I am getting out of the house just fine, but I am having difficulty finding stuff to do. I've said before, we moved here just a few years ago and I spent almost all my time with the family and didn't really work on building friendships around here. Meetup groups are sparse around here.. So for the most part I'm just going out and doing things solo: hikes, restaurants I've wanted to go to, errands, or even just driving around and exploring. I just wonder if that's a bad thing, if I need to force myself to be more social at this point, I'm going to need more of a network once D happens. For example, there's a chess club nearby I want to join, but they aren't meeting right now.
We have much in common. I'm further along with my ex--R'd multiple times, then 100% done and in the "Life After D" forum--but I'm facing similar challenges rebuilding my network of friends.
I agree forcing yourself outside your comfort zone would be wise. There will be successes. The failures will teach you better what you find enjoyable, tolerable, and intolerable.
re: Hiking, I do 75% solo. In my circle, 3 have proposed hiking with me this week, I suspect 4-6 would accept invites. To not feel like I'm "wasting time", a hike has to first meet my goals, and then adding friends is great. Most people fit either on my easy days or hard days. I can add a heavy pack to balance it out. Questions to you--1) When you hike solo, don't you run across others hiking solo? 2) Do you tell co-workers and acquaintances about your hikes? 3) Have you looked for local hiking groups--it's not all about Meetup? 4) Have you searched for non-hiking groups that hike such as bird-watchers, botanists, volunteer groups, etc?
re: Chess, I'd be shocked if the chess group "gave up playing chess". I suspect they are playing regular swiss tournaments on one of the many online chess sites. Maybe inquire?
Yesterday was Easter. Holidays are an opportunity to connect.
Making friends requires putting yourself out there--and there isn't an app for it like dating! You take the same lumps--he/she likes me, he/she rejected me, etc. But if you can date, you can make friends. It's a numbers game. Some percentage of people want a new hiking or chess friend. You just need to find them!
