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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2915325&page=11

Previous thread.

Yeah you guys are right, I did get the app just to chit chat with people. I guess I thought interaction with others would help me feel less isolated. But I am nowhere close to dating anyone. I thought I would feel better to feel "normal" again and be able to start over just talking to a stranger about random everyday life stuff. So far out of 5 matches they want a husband or to have you take them out and pay for them. Yep, was a bad idea. Just deleted the account. I suppose I was trying to find a way to not be so lonely, but that is selfish of me to do, waste peoples time when I dont want anyone.

Im just gonna focus back on the gym, kids, work and so forth. The lonliness I will eventually get used to and be okay with. A dating app is not a good healthy distraction I gotta do this until I get to point where im actually okay alone at least 6 more months from now probably longer. (thats what my therapist friend said) I guess a lot of people have pushed me to go out and see other girls and "move on" sort of felt like if I didnt I was a loser. But actually I feel wrong about even putting myself out there since I am not even close to available inside. Now that I think about it, im still trying to do too much to avoid the pain of all this. I just gotta face reality, this is gonna be crappy for a long time, no cutting around it.

Thanks guys, I felt like it might be a bad idea but all my buddies at work pushed me to do it, said "just try" okay, I tried, not feeling it. Other than that everything else is fine.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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And to answer your question, if she came back and said "lets fix this" I would at this time probably want to but not do it. Each day that goes by I feel I want this M less and less, its just not a good idea, I will end up right back in this scenario later, kids suffering again later, etc.. I feel like why do it all again. Im just barely accepting the reality of it now. Im not gonna run through hell and barely make it out, just to have a seat again in it later. Yes, even me, mr worse WW and most attatched dude ever can see that this is messed up. I was absolutely destroyed for about 4-5 months. This last month has been waffling like hell for both of us and its just plain stupid. Its best to accept and walk away, not even move on to dating just move on to myself for awhile. I get that now, I really do.

And also some other dude will take her, shes very pretty. She will get whatever/whoever she wants. I dont think I will be some kind of last resort choice. She has many that chase her, honestly I am the only thing holding her back from moving on with my little efforts. But since those stopped recently, she's become more distant, which makes things easier.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Jun 2019
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Likes: 54
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Originally Posted by Steve
suppose I was trying to find a way to not be so lonely, but that is selfish of me to do, waste peoples time when I dont want anyone. A dating app is not a good healthy distraction I gotta do this until I get to point where im actually okay alone at least 6 more months from now probably longer. (thats what my therapist friend said)

Great, Steve. I'm at month 2.5 of 5 of no dating myself. I'm happy--90% of the time--without anyone else. Yesterday, I helped my D with her AP exams, had a beautiful hike with my S, and had a great night with an old friend. I suspect that baseline will make me less likely to accept or stay with a partner like my ex or your ex. There are lonely moments--they pass. My day is not filled with loneliness. I'm chatting with other men and women just not via dating. There are a gazillion sites and apps for meeting people to do what you enjoy--e.g., radio control or whatever else you're into or may want to try just now.

Originally Posted by Steve
I feel wrong about even putting myself out there since I am not even close to available inside.

You also have not worked through what is broken in you that you accepted and stayed with a serial cheater. Until you fix that via therapy, you are likely to repeat that pattern in future relationships. Most of us would not have been attracted to your ex-wife and would not have tolerated what she put you through.



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The only way to heal is to allow yourself to feel the pain, Steve.

Just like an addict coming off heroin, it's horrible and painful. You are a codependent addicted to a narcissist.

You're going to have to go through withdrawals in order to make it to the other side. It's going to hurt, and it's going to be lonely for quite a while, learn to be ok with that and stop fighting it.

What you resist, persists. Stop looking for shortcuts.

One piece of advice my IC told me which really helped was to "make friends" with my pain and to not fight it. The more you experience the pain and don't try to numb it through alcohol, women, sex etc., the less of a grip it will have over you.

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Originally Posted by Steve_
And also some other dude will take her, shes very pretty. She will get whatever/whoever she wants.

No, she only wields that power over broken men. Maybe she can get most men INTO BED (based on attraction), but that's different from getting most men INTO A RELATIONSHIP (based on attraction and values). She fails 3 of 4 values I seek in a partner. She would be unlikely to get a 2nd or 3rd date with me.

Originally Posted by Steve
I dont think I will be some kind of last resort choice.

She continues to play with you because at least she realizes she may need MrLastResort.



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Originally Posted by Steve_
And also some other dude will take her, shes very pretty. She will get whatever/whoever she wants.

Steve no offense but I would have zero interest dating your STBXW so she can't have whomever she wants.


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Shes beautiful but absolutely psychotic, but some other dude will want her?

Doesnt speak much to the male species

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Thornton Im sitting next to a psychiatrist right now, he asked me how im doing so I took the free advice. He said what you said in other words thornton. Good advice. I will take it.

I did consider downloading bumble it has a BFF mode. No dating just friends. Honestly I wouldnt mind hooking up with a couple guys that want to learn how to fish, hunt, camping etc. I think that might be good for me and one of the other therapists here suggested it. I can meet new people but only to do cool stuff with, no emotional attachments. I used to have a BFF when i was a Ft.Benning GA, we did everything together, paintball, hunting, fishing, all of it. He was a cool dude and I miss him. Honestly maybe that is what I need right now, just a cool buddy to do stuff with that isnt part of this dramatic chaos.

I havent tried the RC car forum thing there is a bunch of people that used to do them before covid. I am just a beginner at it. But seems like something that can be fun outdoors and so on.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
S
Steve_ Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2019
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Yeah ginger, the thing is that most men dont know these things, lots of us see that pretty face and tend to believe whatever story we want to hear. We project our attraction onto the woman. They will see her for whatever she wants them to see. Until like previous OM did, its too late and he just about threw his life away. Seems like his W is willing to take him back but on her terms, seems he got lucky. He was also a needy little weak boy that wanted a pretty woman to fix his sad, boring, stuck life. He fell for it, so will others. Men fall in love through thier eyes most of the time. They see the girl and start imagining the future, until the real stuff comes out.

Tbh she will most likely end up with another OM in some sort of "situationship" since she wont want to leave her mom's house to get it when they move out in several months. She also wont want to openly be with someone else for the family and especially my son's judgment of her. She will play with one or two guys until she has seen that she has actually lost me and her M. Then she just might come running back. Ill be ready, constantly remembering what horse shizz i delt with. It would be healthier for me to start pounding whiskey again, yeah not doing that either.

Last edited by Steve_; 03/25/21 05:57 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,157
Likes: 130
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Originally Posted by Steve_
Yeah ginger, the thing is that most men dont know these things, lots of us see that pretty face and tend to believe whatever story we want to hear.

uuuummm no.
Originally Posted by Steve_
We project our attraction onto the woman.

uuuummm no.
Originally Posted by Steve_
He was also a needy little weak boy that wanted a pretty woman to fix his sad, boring, stuck life. He fell for it, so will others.

Hmmmmm. This sounds familiar
Originally Posted by Steve_
Men fall in love through thier eyes most of the time.

Men's attraction is through there eyes. A real man will ditch the psycho once she eventually rears her ugly head.
Originally Posted by Steve_
She also wont want to openly be with someone else for the family and especially my son's judgment of her.

Didn't she live with a dude with your son also living there?
Originally Posted by Steve_
She will play with one or two guys until she has seen that she has actually lost me and her M.

I can't see that ever happening that she believes she lost you
Originally Posted by Steve_
Then she just might come running back.

Doubt it. Even so it wouldn't be permanent.
Originally Posted by Steve_
Ill be ready, constantly remembering what horse shizz i delt with.

Ready for what?

Last edited by LH19; 03/25/21 06:16 PM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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