What would I do if she stops by and I'm at the house? Do I talk to her? Ignore her? Be friendly? Be cold and distant? What if she tries to engage me in a conversation? What are the boundaries for DB'ing in a situation like this?
Bro this is DB101. What have you been doing the last year?
You act like you are happy with how things turned out in your life.
You can talk to her and be friendly (think how you would talk to a neighbor). Avoid relationship talks and if she brings it up, just listen and validate. Even if she mentions she thinks it's time to get a divorce, act cool and unaffected by that.
Act just like you did before you met her and had no emotional attachment to her. A cool, confident guy, who has lots going on in his life.
DBX80, I love that so soon after revisiting these forums, you're beginning to step out of the limbo you've been in for a year. Maybe you were already feeling ready--and that's what led you to return.
Originally Posted by DBX80
What would I do if she stops by and I'm at the house? Do I talk to her? Ignore her? Be friendly? Be cold and distant? What if she tries to engage me in a conversation? What are the boundaries for DB'ing in a situation like this?
Avoidance is a first, positive step for many--because they can't keep themselves from peacocking or getting angry! No to "ignore", "cold", or "distant". Think friendly cashier mode. Many of us exchange kids. It's a friendly smile and a wave. Sometimes a few words. Maybe a longer update if there's pertinent medical info--"He has.. flees. I've given him Anti-Flea 3x per day".
My ex never goes in my home. That would seem to allow her to invade and keep tabs on your life--creepy! I also don't know why she'd visit your place 2x/week. Usually, a mid-point is more fair to both parties, or taking turns depending on who is picking up or dropping off.
You act like you are happy with how things turned out in your life.
You can talk to her and be friendly (think how you would talk to a neighbor). Avoid relationship talks and if she brings it up, just listen and validate. Even if she mentions she thinks it's time to get a divorce, act cool and unaffected by that.
Act just like you did before you met her and had no emotional attachment to her. A cool, confident guy, who has lots going on in his life.
This is what I was thinking. I just wasn't sure, because I've been going dark for a long time now. So it would be a matter of switching from "going dark" to "friendly neighbor". Thanks!
DBX80, I love that so soon after revisiting these forums, you're beginning to step out of the limbo you've been in for a year. Maybe you were already feeling ready--and that's what led you to return.
Yes, I think I returned to the forum for help with the next step. I'm done with being in limbo, and ready to move forward.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Avoidance is a first, positive step for many--because they can't keep themselves from peacocking or getting angry! No to "ignore", "cold", or "distant". Think friendly cashier mode. Many of us exchange kids. It's a friendly smile and a wave. Sometimes a few words. Maybe a longer update if there's pertinent medical info--"He has.. flees. I've given him Anti-Flea 3x per day".
This makes perfect sense to me, thank you.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
My ex never goes in my home. That would seem to allow her to invade and keep tabs on your life--creepy! I also don't know why she'd visit your place 2x/week. Usually, a mid-point is more fair to both parties, or taking turns depending on who is picking up or dropping off.
Well right now she comes by on Friday to pick up the dogs, and then comes by on Monday to drop them off. Since I'm not at home 99% of the time she stops by, she goes into the house with her key. But maybe I should change this going forward.
Whether it makes it more difficult or not is up to you. But we've had other posters that have done dog coparenting post D.
So if we co-parent the dogs, what does that look like in the context of DB'ing?
The way it works now, I try not to be present at the house when she stops by to either pick up or drop off the dogs. But I'm sure that's not sustainable indefinitely. What would I do if she stops by and I'm at the house? Do I talk to her? Ignore her? Be friendly? Be cold and distant? What if she tries to engage me in a conversation? What are the boundaries for DB'ing in a situation like this?
Have you read sandi's 37 rules? YOu need to. I carried them around on my phone with me in the heart of my sitch! I didn't follow them perfectly, but when I did the impacts were almost immediate. On me! (Felt empowered, more in control, etc). And sometimes even on her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Have you read sandi's 37 rules? YOu need to. I carried them around on my phone with me in the heart of my sitch! I didn't follow them perfectly, but when I did the impacts were almost immediate. On me! (Felt empowered, more in control, etc). And sometimes even on her.
Yes, I've read them many times. I just wasn't sure if they still applied post-divorce, or after you've decided to move on.
Have you read sandi's 37 rules? YOu need to. I carried them around on my phone with me in the heart of my sitch! I didn't follow them perfectly, but when I did the impacts were almost immediate. On me! (Felt empowered, more in control, etc). And sometimes even on her.
Yes, I've read them many times. I just wasn't sure if they still applied post-divorce, or after you've decided to move on.
Have you read sandi's 37 rules? YOu need to. I carried them around on my phone with me in the heart of my sitch! I didn't follow them perfectly, but when I did the impacts were almost immediate. On me! (Felt empowered, more in control, etc). And sometimes even on her.
Yes, I've read them many times. I just wasn't sure if they still applied post-divorce, or after you've decided to move on.
But you are not divorced and haven’t moved on.
Lol, that is absolutely correct LH
DBX, Just my opinion here, take it for what it is worth! The way I view it you are now batting at full count. If I were you, I would take one last swing. No more foul balls, no bunts but swing for the fences and exit the field if it is a strike out. That way there are no regrets but at the same time you can move forward without staying in limbo.
