Well, did a little recreational snooping today. Do you all remember the “I don’t do relationships” guy that I would occasionally see? I saw him a bit before I met crazy ExBF, we stayed friends (talked maybe once a year) and reconnected for a few dates when I was between crazy exBF and CMM. My BFF said I was “going to the spa” when I would go see him for the weekend, because I’d come home so relaxed.
He ghosted me abruptly shortly before I met CMM. It was strange, because I knew we weren’t exclusive (when a guy tells you he doesn’t DO relationships on a first date, you believe him! I actually really appreciated his refreshing honesty). It was a no-expectations super-casual thing. There had been no negative vibe between us.
At first I assumed he was going through a depressed period (he had a history, and was a bit of a loner). It wasn’t unusual for him to drop off the radar for a while. As more time went on without him answering the occasional text or email, I thought maybe he actually was seeing someone more seriously. I did check to make sure there was no obituary.
I assumed he would just show up again someday, as our communication had gone through fallow periods before. I got a bit worried but had no way to check on him.
Well - a couple weeks ago it occurred to me to check Zillow, and sure enough, he’d sold his loft in October 2018, about 7 months after he ghosted me. Today I dug a little deeper. There are a fair number of people with his name, and online records searches can be inaccurate (I mean, I get junk mail for my ex and his new wife, neither of whom have ever been in my home!) . Still - I found someone the right age and name showing connections to his old place and to an address in Henderson NV. I think I’ve pieced some of the (likely) story together.
His loft in Long Beach had appreciated about $200k in the time he’d owned it and was mortgage free. He was working retail at an airport after a period of unemployment and I knew money was tight. I’m guessing now, but I figure things got tight enough - or something happened to make things worse - and the answer was to sell his place, buy a less expensive place in Henderson, and bank the difference to give him a cushion. His loft sold three weeks before the new place in Henderson was purchased, so I think I do have the right guy. The new place was purchased for about $200k less that what he would have realized from the sale of the loft, giving him a nice cushion. It’s an attached home, about the same square footage as his loft but two bedrooms with a small yard.
Henderson is a popular retirement destination for Southern Californians, in part because of favorable taxes and in part because of the cheaper housing.
I feel relieved, knowing that’s all that happened. I imagine he might have ghosted me because of feeling bad about his financial difficulties. I’m happy to know he would have been in a good financial position to weather 2020. This doesn’t sound like any of the bad scenarios I considered (stroke, heart attack, suicide). I hope he’s happily golfing.
Also, today was ten years since I bought my home! Boy, the 12 years since my divorce has flown by. I’ve had quite a few adventures since my ex left!
Does it? I’ve never been but expected it to be largely a retirement town. I know it’s preferred by So Cal folks because the temperatures are somewhat milder than in Vegas proper.
I imagine it was a difficult decision for him to make - he loved his modern loft near downtown Long Beach and the beach. (I did too!). He grew up in LA. But this would have allowed him to have a good financial cushion instead of struggling. And I’m sure he could have gotten a job in Vegas.
It just gives me peace to think he’s ok. It seems like a prudent decision.
Had a great visit with my old friends yesterday. I haven’t laughed that hard in forever, the husband is hilarious and his wife can be pretty funny too. I first met them in my 20’s at a wedding and we’ve been friends ever since - 40 years!
I have to admit, it was like seeing the life I thought I would have. Their long, loving marriage. Retired together. Two beautiful sons and three (soon to be four!) beautiful grandchildren. The steadfast support they’ve given each other throughout illnesses (her menopausal bout of depression, his heart transplant and other things).
They showed us a video their oldest son had made for his father’s recent 70th birthday. Photos from throughout his life and video comments from family members and childhood friends. A life really well lived.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and they love me, they’re all wonderful people. But they struggle with the damage left by their father’s departure and his behavior since. None are settled in relationships and grandchildren are extremely unlikely in the future. The mistake I made in choosing their father reverberates down into their lives. I was capable of the kind of life my friends had together, but married a man who was not. We really should teach young people better how to assess potential life partners. My exH looked good on the surface, but I blew past the red flags of his underlying narcissistic traits.
Oh well - at least my kids have one parent who is steadfast and strong. We make our new traditions together.
It's hard to not make comparisons to those who "succeeded" and to have regrets. As you did, we can at least take some pride in what we have accomplished despite the land-mines tossed in our paths. 25+ years is no small accomplishment.
I was just trying to think about what sort of magical world it would take for us to know in advance that we picked the "right" partners - or more accurately - not the "wrong" partners.
I know that when I met my ex-wife she seemed like a decent enough fit. Certainly some things that made me uncomfortable that I overlooked as I didn't know better and the love-bombing was intense. And like with you, it more or less worked for quite a long time. We adapted - they adapted. And despite the difficult times I think we both had what we thought was a pretty decent marriage - otherwise we wouldn't have ended up here trying to save it.
I personally think that there's not a huge amount of difference between the marriages we had and those that "succeeded". I would imagine a good number "successful" marriages have a person in them who is selfish, self-centred and entitled. None of us are saints.
I too fall into the envy trap - and like you I hope - combined with feeling happy for the happiness of others. And the regrets on what "could have been" and will never be.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I don't feel envy - I'm happy for my friends. It's just a tinge of regret that I didn't choose better - but then again, I suppose I could have chosen worse!
It's the effect on my kids' lives that I regret the most. I still feel like I got more good years out of my marriage than most do - but I can't help but wonder how my kids' lives would be different if they'd had a different kind of father.
So this week my patient with the rare neurological disease saw a new neurologist at his large HMO who ACTUALLY did the right kind of physical exam and actually admits that it might be what I know it is. He does want to do some more tests to be sure (even though the history, medication response and outside nerve test all confirm the diagnosis) but at least he seems to be able to see what's right in front of his face and I actually got an email response from him (something none of the other neurologists there did.) He also ordered the long overdue chest CT scan which needs to be done to rule out thymoma (or lung cancer - unlikely but a rare cause of a similar syndrome). Hooray!!!!
Life here is steady, work has been crazy busy for the last couple of weeks but that’s good for the bank account, which took quite a hit during a slow January and February. My youngest got his first Covid vaccine a few days ago which greatly put my mind at ease, since he moved out recently and was going to be at more risk in a new place with new roommates and socializing more. He picked up some work in the food industry and so was able to get vaccinated. Now all three of my kids have had at least one shot, I will sleep a bit easier. (Our state plans to open up vaccines to all 50 yrs and over on April 1st, then all 16 and over April 15 - things are moving right along).
CMM got an extra week off chemo because of scheduling issues with his doctor, I think he will benefit from the extra recovery time. His treatment right now isn’t curative, just holding the line, so it’s a balancing act between keeping the cancer slowed down and the effects of the chemo.
I read an article yesterday predicting a Roaring 2020’s similar to the 1920’s - a time of exuberant excess after the Spanish Flu pandemic. In the 1900’s it was like everyone just wanted to forget the Spanish Flu. It’s barely even referenced in novels and movies of the time - or subsequently. I wonder if Covid will be similarly forgotten in a haze of debauchery? Perhaps not - we don’t have the additional horror of WWI to forget, and Covid didn’t affect the young the way Spanish Flu did. Young adults were severely affected in the Spanish Flu pandemic (a misnomer, btw - most countries involved in WWI weren’t reporting on the flu pandemic because of wartime security concerns, so news of it came out in the Spanish papers first, but it didn’t originate there.
I’m just a month away from Medicare, which means I’ll no longer have a huge medical deductible, and I can put the $400 a month in savings towards my mortgage. I’ll be starting with a new medical system in town and look forward to finding new doctors and getting caught up on some health maintenance stuff.
I haven’t gotten nearly enough miles in walking in March - between longer days at work, some pain from my old SI joint injury from when I got rear-ended at a stoplight, and just some fatigue catching up with me, I just had trouble keeping up the pace. But April will be a new month and I’m determined to find a way to squeeze it in.
