First, a quick apology. I spend much of my internet time in radical feminist spaces and this may not be the place for this discussion. It might not even be related to my initial point. However, I do welcome any and all respectful points of view!
DnJ, you are absolutely right-- men do not have a monopoly on individual bad behaviour. Your XW is case in point.
You, also, in my opinion, are functioning at a higher level of consciousness than most men. When I wrote my post, I was excluding you in my mind as I typed I don't like using the #notallmen disclaimer because in my experience dialoguing with men, it tends to descend into defensive whataboutism and false equivalencies rather than parsing the core issue of my post, a cause I am very passionate advocating against-- the systemic misogyny behind our patriarchal culture. And all men, including you, benefit from living inside this framework.
But, if it helps lower defenses... #notallmen.
I'm not hurting. Nor am I bitter, or a man-hater, or a feminazi, or whatever other epithets that MRAs, redpillers and/or conservatives like to throw around. I prefer to think of myself as woke. It's impossible to spend time in radfem spaces around radfem people without the scales falling from your eyes. It becomes impossible to ignore that our social, economic, religious, and cultural institutions are designed to function upon the subjugation and exploitation of women. This is not a bug within these systems, it's a core feature.
Yes, women do use men for sex, money, and/or resources. Men provide protection and help create children. Whether right or wrong, these women are exploiting the system to their benefit, because the system is built around ensuring men have easy and free access to women's labour and women's bodies. Despite the statistically heightened risk of violence and death that exists for women in heterosexual relationships, women do continue to use men to provide things they are denied or prevented from accessing easily-- most of which boil down to the autonomy provided by financial independence.
Of all the women in the world who were intentionally killed in a recent year, more than half were murdered by their male partner or male family member. Women continue to be overrepresented as victims in intimate partner homicides while over 80 percent of offenders are men. Women and girls together account for 72 percent of all human trafficking victims, with girls representing more than three out of every four child trafficking victims. Most women and girls are trafficked for the purpose of sexual exploitation, with others being sold into slavery or for physical labour.
In heterosexual relationships, women are more likely to be the lower earners, meaning their jobs are considered a lower priority when disruptions (like COVID, for example, which has been disastrous for workforce equality) come along. Across the world, women—including and (oddly enough) especially those who work outside the home—do more housework and have less leisure time than their male partners. The 'second shift' disproportionately applies to women.
As a young mother recently returned to the workforce from maternity leave, I was extraordinarily fortunate that my X leaving had very little financial impact due to my high-paying field of work. Other women in my position who gave up their careers to raise children would have been left destitute and homeless in an instant. Male financial success is built off the back of unpaid or underpaid female labour. The exploitation of SAHMs, secretaries, cooks, childcare workers, cleaners and casual workers (ie. a female-skewed workforce) serves to grease the wheels of the economy.
Speaking more on the gendered effects of pandemics worldwide. Restricted movement, social isolation, and economic insecurity are increasing women’s vulnerability to violence in the home around the world. School closures affect girls’ life chances, because many (particularly in third world countries) drop out of education completely to help at home. (A rise in teen pregnancy rates exacerbates this trend.) Domestic and sexual violence against women both rise alarmingly without a proportionate increase in funding for services. And more women die in childbirth because resources are diverted elsewhere due to the necessary distortion of healthcare systems.
Men and women are not equal and never will be as long as a man's presence in her life reduces her chance of survival. A woman will love a man even if it kills her. A man says he loves a woman even as he kills her. That's the difference.
I don't see how this is any better than some of the stuff you've scolded Tom on in his thread. Rash generalizations. I realize you are still hurting, and I won't bother picking apart some of the stats you've posted, but it might do you some good to get away from the radical feminist spaces. Yes, men and women are different. Unfortunately, men are generally more violent. However, it can be harmful when you start stereotyping groups of people--whether it's based on gender, race, political or religious affiliation, sexual orientation, etc.; whether it's faulty or not.
I choose to believe in the goodness of people... in the goodness of each individual--until proven otherwise. The majority of people that I've met, once I've gotten to know them, have been good people--no matter what "group" they came from. I try to never lose sight of that whenever I'm inclined to start prejudging a group of people.
I hope you are put in a position to be around good men. Or put yourself in a position to meet them. They are out there. I hope you live a long and happy life with one of those men.
I'd like to add that I'm sorry that this is probably my first post in your thread. I do read both LBH and LBW threads, but I feel like I offer a better perspective to LBHs. I read the situations with LBWs and it just seems like most of the WAHs don't deserve the women posting here. Most of the LBHs, myself included, need to grow from this experience. That's probably not entirely true. Everybody needs to grow from this experience, but maybe I can offer a better perspective to LBHs.
Actually, my personal view on Tom and his attitudes toward women and heterosexual relationships are borne entirely of my beliefs as a radical feminist and the obvious fact that he leans far to the opposite side of the political spectrum to me.
As I mentioned, debates about patriarchal culture with those who either deny its existence and/or benefit from its perpetuation tend to devolve into false equivalencies and defensive whataboutism, which I gather is the case here. I glean from your posts that you and I are not politically aligned either, so I won’t go there, other than to say that there absolutely are ideologies that are deserving of scrutiny and judgement, particularly those that seek to maintain the status quo for a select few at the expense of other marginalised groups.
I understand that individual men come here having experienced tough times through the loss of their family unit and the financial difficulty of supporting a cheating or runaway wife. That is terribly sad. I feel for those men and often feel like telling them to enforce immediate and harsh consequences on their grossly entitled partners. As heartbreaking as it is, their experience is not equivalent to the systemic misogyny that all women experience in every aspect of their lives.
Thank you for your well-wishes, but I am complete without a man in my life. I know good men, many of them through this site. Their individual virtue doesn’t erase the existence of patriarchal frameworks built on oppression. I empathise with those who are made uncomfortable by the exposure of these frameworks, but not as much as I do with its victims.
I’ll assume that your suggestion for me to step away from radical feminist spaces is one of fatherly concern because... actually, it doesn’t make a lot of sense no matter how I look at it. Is it weird to you that a woman would seek out spaces that validate her lived experience? I’ve never felt the need to suggest that people who don't share my beliefs step away from their echo chambers, despite the fact that their beliefs contribute to the normalisation of policies which result in actual violence and death.
I’ll agree with you on one point, that actually is the exact point I’m making— believing in the goodness of individuals. I absolutely do, always have (sometimes to my detriment) and always will (through the hard-won wisdom of my lived experience). But I will never stop thinking critically about my place in society at large.
Just want to note for the record (since apparently I wasn’t clear enough the first time I said it) that I am not still hurting and my beliefs are not reactionary. My situation is permanently resolved. I am very happily divorced by my own choice with no ill will toward my ex-spouse. He’s a flawed human being just like me. But I am safer without him in my life.
Outside of arguments about the patriarchy - I do think that in general, more women than men put up with prolonged bad behavior on the part of their partners. Perhaps it has to do with more nurturing natures ( I imagine there are a lot more wives standing with husbands who are being treated for sex addiction, than there are husbands standing with wives). While some men will try to reconcile after a wife’s affair, not many will after repeated affairs on the part of their wife - although many women will continue to try to make it work with a husband who is a repeat cheater. Perhaps it has to do with differences in the dating market (it’s certainly easier for a 50 year old man to find a new wife than it is for a 50 year old woman to find a new husband) . Perhaps it has to do with being raised with fairytales. But I also suspect that some of it has to do with economic inequality.
I’ve noticed as a general trend (obviously with exceptions) that the more economically independent a woman is here, the better able she is to move on emotionally from her divorce.
Moving away from the abstract back into reality...
After coming across X while swiping on Tinder last night, my friend went on a discovery mission to see what he’s been up to on social media lately.
The month out of state he just had was an adventure holiday with OW. My friend said WTF! How do they afford all the stuff they do! Jetskiing, golfing, skydiving, fishing, biking, festivals, holidays, hikes, glamping. WTAF! He is never growing up. So all that stuff was more important than being here for S3’s birthday.
His Tinder profile had been active in the last seven days. It was refreshed with new photos from the last time I saw it. One featured yet another new motorbike different to the one he had while we were married. His finances must be under some serious strain. We never took such a lengthy or expensive holiday together.
Of course it does beg the question why is he back on Tinder if he’s investing so much time and money into his relationship with OW!
He also responded to my lawyer about the parenting plan saying it all looked reasonable and fair (yay!) except the arrangement for S3’s birthday. The first draft gave the non-custodial parent on that day four hours of visitation after school. Then I realised that me being the main custodial parent would mean I’d very rarely get those hours. I suggested alternating years but he is right, that’s not a satisfying solution either.
Does anyone have suggestions on an alternative arrangement?
Not sure I see a solution other than alternating years or two hours apiece.
As for your ex - not to sound overly suspicious, but please run a credit report on yourself and your son. Probably your ex is just running up a ton of debt in his own name, but sociopaths like him HAVE been known to get credit cards in their ex's or children's names and run them up. I'd check just to be thorough. That sounds like an awful lot of money he's been spending.
Not sure if anyone has seen this in the news. If you've ever felt weak or ashamed or pathetic or humiliated in the wake of your X's affair, this story should give you some validation.
An Australian academic who spent 800 days in an Iranian prison discovered her husband was having an affair with their mutual colleague while she was in jail.
She found out from her mother the day she returned to the country following her long imprisonment. She suspected something was up when her husband didn't even bother to call and say "I'm happy you're free."
The jail sentence was described as psychological torture-- she was housed in solitary confinement, kept freezing cold, blasted with constant noise and light, and beaten by guards.
And yet she admitted that her husband's betrayal was harder for her to process.
I don't like using the #notallmen disclaimer because in my experience dialoguing with men, it tends to descend into defensive whataboutism and false equivalencies rather than parsing the core issue of my post, a cause I am very passionate advocating against-- the systemic misogyny behind our patriarchal culture. And all men, including you, benefit from living inside this framework.