SD, haven't followed the last few days, but just wanted to pop in to say to keep working on you! Focus on you! You will get through this, just keep your head down on doing the work you need to do. I know you can see light at the end of the tunnel, just keep moving forward towards it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SD, haven't followed the last few days, but just wanted to pop in to say to keep working on you! Focus on you! You will get through this, just keep your head down on doing the work you need to do. I know you can see light at the end of the tunnel, just keep moving forward towards it.
Thanks! Today is my 1st day with my personal trainer, so looking forward to that. "Moving forward" has been my ongoing mantra in my journaling.
I think what LH19 is saying is that you don't have to be so polite. I've seen this with NGS, and how it seems to tear the guy apart if he can't fall back on his pattern of always being polite ........even to the one who is betraying him. I'm using the word polite instead of nice, b/c we see it show up in written text messages a lot. To a nice guy, it's unthinkable not to respond with politeness. (Politeness is what the nice guy calls it.) When they are told to practice not responding, especially to texts that ask no questions......... they just can't imagine doing such a thing!
Maybe try challenging yourself a bit, and just try it? Start with not responding to something she says that isn't a direct question. If you must answer a question, use less than six words. You'll quickly see how tough it is for you. It's not a matter of politeness, it's a matter of the NGS you have.
BTW, that stuff she said about you showing up for the kids, etc............is just fluff. It just keeps you emotionally engaged. For her, It's like buttering a turkey.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think what LH19 is saying is that you don't have to be so polite. I've seen this with NGS, and how it seems to tear the guy apart if he can't fall back on his pattern of always being polite ........even to the one who is betraying him. I'm using the word polite instead of nice, b/c we see it show up in written text messages a lot. To a nice guy, it's unthinkable not to respond with politeness. (Politeness is what the nice guy calls it.) When they are told to practice not responding, especially to texts that ask no questions......... they just can't imagine doing such a thing!
Maybe try challenging yourself a bit, and just try it? Start with not responding to something she says that isn't a direct question. If you must answer a question, use less than six words. You'll quickly see how tough it is for you. It's not a matter of politeness, it's a matter of the NGS you have.
Yeah, that's me with anyone, not just her. I am working on it though, in one of our conversations lately there was one of those uncomfortable silences and I used to ALWAYS be the one who had to say something, and I didn't. I just waited. Is that a huge 180, no, but it is something.
Originally Posted by sandi2
BTW, that stuff she said about you showing up for the kids, etc............is just fluff. It just keeps you emotionally engaged. For her, It's like buttering a turkey.
That made me laugh.
Also, just got back from my 1st session with my personal trainer. We started with leg day and I am pretty sure I won't be able to walk for a week.
I know you've gotten many people's thoughts about telling her "You're welcome," but my initial reaction is one I don't think anyone has posted yet (although I might have missed it).
A person says, "You're welcome" in response to someone thanking them for a favor they have done for them. If someone gives them a compliment, they usually respond, "Thank you."
Are you showing up for your kids as a favor to your wife?
Or are you showing up for your kids because you have decided that's the kind of dad you want to be?
I hope for their sakes as well as for the sake of your emotional detachment and differentiation, that the answer is the second one.
And if it is, either ignore her or say "thank you" and move on.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I know, b/c that comes from the root of NGS. You have read the book on NGS, right?
You need to understand why you feel you must always be nice, even to those who have cheated, lied, betrayed, and whatever. Your answer that it's just you is the typical answer I get from those nice guys when I point specifics out to them. I believe them 100%, b/c it is ingrained that much.
Nobody here is trying to turn you into a jerk. We want to help you recognize where to draw the line with those who disrespect you. I may be wrong, but I think whenever your WW is being civil in conversation, or when she's even being what you would think as "pleasant", you automatically respond with too many words, and can get somewhat gushy. It's as if you temporarily forget what she is, or else your NGS tells you she's being nice at the moment so you must respond accordingly. However, in most cases I've read, it is the WW keeping the LBH emotionally engaged so he won't treat her like she really deserves. And, as I said last time, it's just how the WW works in manipulating him. It's like she keeps him ready to be used whenever she decides to play that card.
When you can overcome the pull of NGS, you will find a sense of freedom, self-respect and confidence like you've never had. These are not my original words, but words from men who actually lived it .
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When you can overcome the pull of NGS, you will find a sense of freedom, self-respect and confidence like you've never had. These are not my original words, but words from men who actually lived it .
100% and you quickly get rid of people in your life who do not deserve to be there!
