Hard part is that is has become such a part of my identity. Most of my t-shirts are pub/brewery shirts I've collected over the years.
Props for recognizing this. Losing our ex is often an identity crisis. A true 180 is often an identity crisis. I can see how the changes in my life are attracting certain people and repulsing others. My ex is an alcoholic, and when I cut my drinking, she could no longer blame her drinking on me and started to "pre-game" when we got together. I think that made her uncomfortable. I love how you are testing things out--how did you feel without alcohol--how did you feel with alcohol again--and then making the right choices for you.
Thank you. Where I screwed up with Dry January is I used it to justify things. "See, I went a whole month, I'm not that bad, I got this under control!" And I thought because I now knew I was strong enough to resist that moving forward I could just have 1 beer, or only drink on a weekend. It started out that way and before I knew it I was drinking a 6-pack on a Wednesday or 2 bottles of wine by myself in the apartment. Not good.
I went out and bought myself some new clamps, chisels, hand planes, etc. and am making that a priority again.
Fantastic! I never learned woodworking beyond pinewood derby cars and making spears. I do have good clamps and know my knots from sailing and survival. I hope you'll post about your projects, especially ones the rest of us MIGHT be able to follow lol.
I wish I remembered all my knots. My dad was a sailor - was supposed to go to the Olympics but the military had other plans for him, he crewed on a boat that won TransPac, etc. We had a catamaran and used to sail regattas when I was young but he gave it up for AYSO soccer and all that stuff for the kids. Looking back I really wish we had stuck with sailing instead.
Worst thing that could've happened to me was her taking me back 3-4 months ago because I would've slipped right back under her thumb.
Yo SD I had to bring this over from a thread you posted on.
"Take you back" that's how you see it? It's her choice to take you back? If that is how you see it then I am afraid your situation will never change.
Explain to me how you are not under her thumb right now.
I was referring to back then it would've been "taking me back" because that's all I was hoping for. Now I feel like I have more say in the situation because I am not looking for her to take me back and that I have some say in what I want, what my boundaries are, and that I have more serious doubts about even wanting to reconcile.
Does that mean I am not under her thumb? Hell no! But to put it in jiu-jitsu terms - she had me in full mount and I managed to get back to half-guard. Now I just need to pull off the sweep. As for how things are different of late - I've gone back to detaching. The only contact we've had since Saturday has been logistical and during those exchanges I haven't responded with anything more than the bare minimum. I'm going to hold strong on staying at the house and in my bed. That's not negotiable. I've got my first personal trainer session on Monday and will be going 2x a week. I have my life coach sessions scheduled and paid for. I'm the type of person who needs to be held accountable, so actually signing up, spending money, and putting things on the calendar makes sure I don't make excuses.
I'm not out of the woods by a long stretch. Things just FEEL different this go around. More anger, more motivation, less victim, less dwelling on things. More nervous excitement and less full-blown 24/7 anxiety.
I was referring to back then it would've been "taking me back" because that's all I was hoping for. Now I feel like I have more say in the situation because I am not looking for her to take me back and that I have some say in what I want, what my boundaries are, and that I have more serious doubts about even wanting to reconcile.
The only say you don't have is her being a good, loving faithful wife. You can have one of those if you want. Just not her.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Does that mean I am not under her thumb? Hell no!
What is keeping you under her thumb?
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
But to put it in jiu-jitsu terms - she had me in full mount and I managed to get back to half-guard. Now I just need to pull off the sweep.
I don't even know what that means.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
As for how things are different of late - I've gone back to detaching.
LOL. You don't go back and forth with detaching. Trust me you are not detached. Detaching is hard and takes time.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
The only contact we've had since Saturday has been logistical and during those exchanges I haven't responded with anything more than the bare minimum.
Good!
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I'm going to hold strong on staying at the house and in my bed. That's not negotiable.
If you go back on this she will have zero respect for you.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I've got my first personal trainer session on Monday and will be going 2x a week. I have my life coach sessions scheduled and paid for. I'm the type of person who needs to be held accountable, so actually signing up, spending money, and putting things on the calendar makes sure I don't make excuses.
Good stuff!
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I'm not out of the woods by a long stretch. Things just FEEL different this go around. More anger, more motivation, less victim, less dwelling on things. More nervous excitement and less full-blown 24/7 anxiety.
I think you are starting to come out of denial and into the anger stage. You are certainly not out of the woods but I think you can see a small light at the end of the tunnel
But to put it in jiu-jitsu terms - she had me in full mount and I managed to get back to half-guard. Now I just need to pull off the sweep.
I don't even know what that means.
Lol. In jiu-jitsu (like lots of things in life) it is all about "advancing your position" and moving from a place of weakness to a place of strength. You (usually) can't just quickly go from one to the other and instead need to take a series of steps. Being mounted or giving up your back is the worst/weakest position to be in because you have 0 attacks and are 100% on the defensive. Half-guard is still weak, but you at least are now able to launch your own attacks and some people actually work pretty well from there. A sweep is a reversal, putting them on the defensive.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
As for how things are different of late - I've gone back to detaching.
LOL. You don't go back and forth with detaching. Trust me you are not detached. Detaching is hard and takes time.
Detaching, not detached. I know I'm not. But I am more than I ever was, not that that is saying much. I don't jump when my phone goes off. I don't have the anxiety when she sends something and I don't respond right away. When I do respond, I am cordial but brief - getting used to just using the thumbs up emoji as much as possible. Since our last big blow up I have not brought up, mentioned, hinted, or discussed anything about the M. I'm focusing on 180s and saying/doing exactly the opposite of what I would normally do.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I'm not out of the woods by a long stretch. Things just FEEL different this go around. More anger, more motivation, less victim, less dwelling on things. More nervous excitement and less full-blown 24/7 anxiety.
I think you are starting to come out of denial and into the anger stage. You are certainly not out of the woods but I think you can see a small light at the end of the tunnel
Yup. And now I see that it is really the end of the tunnel and not a train heading my way.
It's interesting that the opposite would be: Moving forward Strength Showing the kids you can't let people walk all over you A smart mans reality Courage
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Since our last big blow up I have not brought up, mentioned, hinted, or discussed anything about the M.
What's there to discuss? She's in love with another man.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I'm focusing on 180s and saying/doing exactly the opposite of what I would normally do.
I would be interested in examples other then waiting to respond and thumbs up emojis
It's interesting that the opposite would be: Moving forward Strength Showing the kids you can't let people walk all over you A smart mans reality Courage
Totally agree. And those are the things I'm focusing on. But I'm an like an addict and need to be aware of that.
Originally Posted by LH19
What's there to discuss? She's in love with another man.
Exactly, but that wouldn't have stopped me in the past.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I'm focusing on 180s and saying/doing exactly the opposite of what I would normally do.
I would be interested in examples other then waiting to respond and thumbs up emojis
Fair point, but with her being out of town that's all I got. In the past I would've done something stupid by now and so far I haven't. Once she gets back though, the rubber hits the road.
Sending her pictures of playing with the kids to try and appeal to the mom/wife that used to be there Asking how she's doing. Get drunk and send lengthy emails explaining what I'm feeling, how I miss her, etc. Get drunk and send guilt trip/angry messages Snooping Posting stupid, thinly veiled, passive aggressive things on Facebook
