Right now, all he is concerned about is someone to dog sit the puppy. His focus on on his vacation and getting away. Once he's away and he starts to think about what you have told him about your conversation w/your lawyer, he very well may change his tune and come to realize that he's got more to lose w/the divorce. Let's see what he has to say about all of this when he returns from his vacation. I don't think he's going to be as agreeable about the division of property/funds. I may be wrong, but I don't think so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can see why there would be thoughts that he is just agreeing to make sure he still has a pet sitter...
BUT -
He just texted this morning thinking that everything will be finalized by next week. (I pet sit just over 2 weeks from now).
I suppose this is just the alien brain I read about so much. I mean when I spoke with him I told him I would get back to my atty AFTER my vacation... which would be next week. My atty will review the final offer to make sure its sound and nothing has been left out... then my atty will dictate offer to her paralegal which will then write up the offer... then reviewed by atty... then sent to me. ALL THIS WILL HAPPEN IN LESS THAN 7 DAYS??? OH yes, and then add it will be filled and looked at by the judge... hahaha. Like I'm her only case.
So I'm in the camp of he did not find it totally unreasonable so he agreed to get it done and over with and to move on.
He is done with me and sees no redeeming value in our M. He is happy in his new life.
First, happiness has nothing to do with his new life, if he doesn't find it inside then his new life is a bandaid on internal unhappiness.
Second, people get funny when it comes to money. With the history between you two, (him feeling you controlled the money and his spending), I wouldn't be surprised that once the vacations are over he starts questioning the "agreement".
Again, there is a chance he just wants to get it over with, but I wouldn't be surprised if this turns ugly since there is money involved.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Given how often he lies to you, why do you trust him much more than us three?
Whether he's honest or not you'll know when his vacation's done. Whether it's his alien or tired or narcissist's brain--mind-reading. Enjoy your vacation. I hope it's fun and you create wonderful memories!
I'd just caution you to drop any expectations for his behavior.
I will get the information to the atty. Once the document is drafted if he back peddles he just draws this out longer.
While I can only speculate, I do know my H. I expect that he is proposing while in HI and he wants to be able to marry OW as soon as possible. He has given me a year.
Well if this were sporting match there would be bets laid down and odds...
Well driving home from vaca... I'm getting texts from H from 4am. I'm ignoring but you can tell he is emotionally on edge because he has not texted repeatedly like that without waiting for an answer from me in nearly 9months.
It was clear he was pitching a fit and threatening... I caved and called. He was angry and kept telling me how uncomfortable he was feeling... like a dozen times. I tried to sit and quietly state "I understand, I hear you, I respect that".
At one point I mentioned that maybe things could be better for him for his next M... He then the biggest deep fake belly laugh "what makes you think I would ever get M again?"... Me - "well I suspect that you will be proposing soon and M OW". He went on with this deep fake laugh "Why would I ever make that stupid mistake again?"
I just dropped it.
For starters he has continued to lie... he has no issues with using me/taking advantage of me... he thinks we are "friends"... and yup, I've been a friend... dropped everything more than once to help out with the puppy... dog sitting... BUT, what has he done in efforts to be "friends"? NOTHING. He knew I was struggling with some gutter issues at the house and he is coming to the house in 2 weeks to drop off the dog. It would literally take him 15min to do the gutter work... NEVER OFFERED to help. SO NO WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I got off the phone by stating we could talk in a couple of days... but I have NOT spoken to him since.
What still compels you to answer his calls? I get why he's calling--he's having big feelings and doesn't know how to self-soothe. In the past, he's relied on abuse, road rage, and venting to you. He may not want to show that side of himself to OW. You say you "caved", but what were you feeling that made you answer?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I tried to sit and quietly state "I understand, I hear you, I respect that".
What were you feeling that made you keep listening? If my ex-wife called at 4am I might answer to see if her house burned down, but I'd be extricating myself soon after.
Originally Posted by KitCat
He went on with this deep fake laugh "Why would I ever make that stupid mistake again?" I just dropped it.
That sounds disrespectful--a good opportunity to hang-up.
Originally Posted by KitCat
BUT, what has he done in efforts to be "friends"? NOTHING.
It sounds like you're realizing what you two share is not a friendship. I suspect your interactions (puppy care, venting) would not be at a balance point even if he cleaned the gutters? My ex-GF had someone who regularly vented to her, but the venter always provided nice meals and drinks in exchange.
What still compels you to answer his calls? I get why he's calling--he's having big feelings and doesn't know how to self-soothe. In the past, he's relied on abuse, road rage, and venting to you. He may not want to show that side of himself to OW. You say you "caved", but what were you feeling that made you answer?
Honestly.... its the feeling of LOSS OF CONTROL = FEAR. I have not been able to put all of my fears to bed.
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I tried to sit and quietly state "I understand, I hear you, I respect that".
What were you feeling that made you keep listening? If my ex-wife called at 4am I might answer to see if her house burned down, but I'd be extricating myself soon after.
Well I would not have answered at 4am - that's just when the texts started... and when I continued to not respond by 3pm things on his end escalated and I called.
Practicing listening. We had gotten into a bad habit of talking over each other in a desperate means to be heard. He has been listening and if he interrupts we both stop talking and he tells me to go ahead. The validation comments make sure that I'm taking time to hear him and not interrupt him with my own thoughts/concerns. One of my 180's is making sure he feels heard - pointless as we are getting D and contact is so infrequent.
Its weird that once the D is final we will have absolutely no reason to interact any longer. I'm not saying that a good or bad thing ---- its just a weird fact. We had 10yr of being each others other half.
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
He went on with this deep fake laugh "Why would I ever make that stupid mistake again?" I just dropped it.
That sounds disrespectful--a good opportunity to hang-up.
Maybe??? I think its just more part of his elaborate lies. He cannot admit OW at all.... so admitting he would get remarried would have to be admitting her??? Not my circus, not my monkeys. Zero expectations on everything.
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
BUT, what has he done in efforts to be "friends"? NOTHING.
It sounds like you're realizing what you two share is not a friendship. I suspect your interactions (puppy care, venting) would not be at a balance point even if he cleaned the gutters? My ex-GF had someone who regularly vented to her, but the venter always provided nice meals and drinks in exchange.
Of course I cannot mind read but I would suspect that STBXH "thinks" he has done a lot for our friendship??? I'm certain his perception is far different from mine. But, seriously he has not done anything a "friend" would do.... AND, I am frankly to nice and accommodating to him.
The one thing he did say during our conversation "We have been communicating/talking with each so much better than... than... in a really long time". I just agreed... and then rambled... I really need to learn to say less... less is more... saying nothing is more... when in doubt do nothing...
