Yep. You still think you are going to strategically get yourself out of it.
Unfortunately it's game over my friend. So the question is are you going to go out on your terms or continue with the death by 1,000 papercuts?
I know. Boy, do I know. I beat myself up daily, get angry, get motivated, and then fold. At least about filing for the D right now. I'm not going back on what I've told her, I will stay here and in my bed. I'm also not going to continue being more than a co-parent at this point. I won't be a d!ck and I'm not going even bother pointing out all the sh!tty things she's done/doing. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment, but I am trying to change that as well. It's like deprogramming one of Pavlov's dogs.
So SD when your stbxw acknowledges your changes and still chooses to sleep with other dudes it’s an attraction thing. It 100 percent isn’t going to come back while you are acting like a scared little boy. 100 percent she can see it and feel it. Once she feels comfortable with OM you will be served. You will tell yourself you did it for your kids or you want to be able to say you tried everything but the truth is you are being passive because of fear. As Kevin Bacon said in Few Good Men” those are the facts of the case and the facts are irrefutable”.
I agree on the attraction thing and while she is seeing changes she likes and wants, it isn't enough to make her want to give up the thrill of the OM or dating or whatever. She's like an addict. She knows he won't leave his wife, she knows he is using her, she knows it isn't really going anywhere, but it's forbidden fruit and exciting and she isn't a "wife" or "mom" or any of that other crap. But like I have said before, I do have to thank her in a lot of ways for this, as f'ed up as it is. I'm really digging into this codependency stuff and talk about a 2x4! More like a lead pipe. Each of her betrayals has made me dig further into myself, something I wouldn't have done on my own or without the pain to motivate me, and see things/make changes I never would have on my own. And NOT to please her, but to please myself. It goes beyond the marriage into all aspects of my life. Up until now I have been trying to take responsibility for what I did in the past but now I realize I was just blaming myself. No more of that. She continues to take zero responsibility which tells me she hasn't grown or done any self-reflection. So screw that. I'm ready to detach and no longer live in fear of what she is doing or going to do.
She didn't have to leave, at least legally in most jurisdictions. You could have asked her to leave. I am not a fan of nesting, as it plays right into the WS' desire to have their cake and eat it too. "Yeay I get to play house for a week, then go be single and party for a week!"
Yup, and I bought into the bullsh!t by thinking she really was looking to work on herself and have time to process and all that crap. Read something lately that resonated with me - "you're both in a canoe and you are paddling in circles with one oar and she's putting on her life jacket."
Originally Posted by SteveLW
IHS is not easy. Not going to lie. I think it is worse if your WS/WAS is in an active PA. I would recommend moving back in and keeping the MBR. Telling her she will need to sleep somewhere else. I did IHS, and tried to stay as busy as I could (GAL), which helped. When I struggled was when I did GAL poorly.
The only "good" thing (not that you can call it that) is that the OM is out of state so I won't have to deal with her going and spending the night at his house or some other crap. At least for now, that is obviously subject to change at any time depending on her next Tinder date.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Good stuff here. I highly encourage you to stop drinking all together. Though I am biased (former alcoholic). But it is just too easy to not be in your right mind and do and say things that will hurt your sitch. DBing sober is difficult enough.
Totally agree. I've basically been a functioning alcoholic for 20 years. Never full-blown, I wouldn't drink in the morning or have withdrawals if I went a day, but up until Dry January I hadn't gone a week without drinking for as long as I could remember. Having 1 drink was never an option. It was all or nothing. But seeing how many positive changes happened in January with not drinking and seeing how I lost a lot of those changes since I started again is a wakeup call. Hard part is that is has become such a part of my identity. Most of my t-shirts are pub/brewery shirts I've collected over the years. My birthday/Xmas presents always include something beer related. So I need to change that identity because like you said, it is hard enough doing this sober, doing it drunk just adds a whole other layer of bad choices, bad thinking, and depression.
After years of reading all of these short, sad, WAW stories, there is only one conclusion I arrive at:
Kick their @sses to the curb and leave them there. They want out? Throw them out. Now!
They patronize you by saying you deserve better? Find someone better immediately.
Who needs to wait around for a lying, cheating, betraying, character-assassinating POS WAS?
Now, that's the kind of validating I'm talking about. Go ahead and give them exactly what they say they want. And give it to them IMMEDIATELY! No namby-pamby wimp-@ss "waiting."
After all, they've been so "unhappy" for "so long."
So SD I pulled this post from another thread. I like you came here trying to save my family. I like you was afraid to do anything to push me exw further away. I like you thought that if she could just see my changes I could have the life I used to have put back together. I now realize that wasn't a very great life. This board and MWD tends to make you believe that they are in a temporary fog and will snap out of it. My ex was miserable most of the time and that in-turn made me miserable. Now that I am far away and see life on the other side the post from Kimmie Lee reads loud and clear to me.
Easier said then done but I promise you that this is how you will see things years from now.
While journaling this morning I listed out what things were REALLY like between us. And like you say, it wasn't a great life. So why the f should I fight for it? Especially when I'm the only one. To go back to how it was??? F-that. Yes, I was/am sh!t at boundaries which enabled the situation, but that's gonna change. And not just with her. I have no desire to go back to how it was. I have no desire to keep playing this game anymore. I've done all that has been asked of me, now it is time for me to do everything for myself. I have a clear conscience and no more regrets. And I need to keep it that way without letting those old weak parts of me worming their way back in.
Totally agree. I've basically been a functioning alcoholic for 20 years. Never full-blown, I wouldn't drink in the morning or have withdrawals if I went a day, but up until Dry January I hadn't gone a week without drinking for as long as I could remember. Having 1 drink was never an option. It was all or nothing. But seeing how many positive changes happened in January with not drinking and seeing how I lost a lot of those changes since I started again is a wakeup call. Hard part is that is has become such a part of my identity. Most of my t-shirts are pub/brewery shirts I've collected over the years. My birthday/Xmas presents always include something beer related. So I need to change that identity because like you said, it is hard enough doing this sober, doing it drunk just adds a whole other layer of bad choices, bad thinking, and depression.
I unfortunately had to give up some friendships when I went sober. Turns out they were less friends and more drinking buddies. Tried hanging out with them after I stopped drinking but they couldn't handle me but drinking. Constantly tried to get me to have a drink. "One won't kill you!" So for my own sobriety I had to move on from them. It tough but proved how serious I was about sobriety. I think you'll have a similar feeling if you start ridding your life of that identity.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And like you say, it wasn't a great life. So why the f should I fight for it? Especially when I'm the only one. To go back to how it was??? F-that. Yes, I was/am sh!t at boundaries which enabled the situation, but that's gonna change.
Because most people prefer the $hitty known to the potentially fantastic unknown. I was like that until I understood my value. I know what I bring to the table. Heck I made the table. It's a game changer. It takes time.
Most of this is your brain trying to protect you and some really bad rom-com Hollywood movies you've watched over the years that is keep you holding on for dear life.
Hard part is that is has become such a part of my identity. Most of my t-shirts are pub/brewery shirts I've collected over the years.
Props for recognizing this. Losing our ex is often an identity crisis. A true 180 is often an identity crisis. I can see how the changes in my life are attracting certain people and repulsing others. My ex is an alcoholic, and when I cut my drinking, she could no longer blame her drinking on me and started to "pre-game" when we got together. I think that made her uncomfortable. I love how you are testing things out--how did you feel without alcohol--how did you feel with alcohol again--and then making the right choices for you.
And like you say, it wasn't a great life. So why the f should I fight for it? Especially when I'm the only one. To go back to how it was??? F-that. Yes, I was/am sh!t at boundaries which enabled the situation, but that's gonna change.
Because most people prefer the $hitty known to the potentially fantastic unknown. I was like that until I understood my value. I know what I bring to the table. Heck I made the table. It's a game changer. It takes time.
I am/was one of those people. Give me a sh!tty certainty over an unknown potential any day. No more. Even you saying you built the table reminded me of how I used to build stuff. Built my workbench, built cutting boards, built gifts, etc. I haven't built anything for months. Too depressed and too distracted. So I went out and bought myself some new clamps, chisels, hand planes, etc. and am making that a priority again.
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Most of this is your brain trying to protect you and some really bad rom-com Hollywood movies you've watched over the years that is keep you holding on for dear life.
Good way to look at it. And I know right now I am all gung-ho and ready to kick ass, and I know that pendulum will swing back at times, but each time it is swinging this way it is swinging a little further. And each time it swings back to her, it swings a little less. Just gotta keep going forward.
I unfortunately had to give up some friendships when I went sober. Turns out they were less friends and more drinking buddies. Tried hanging out with them after I stopped drinking but they couldn't handle me but drinking. Constantly tried to get me to have a drink. "One won't kill you!" So for my own sobriety I had to move on from them. It tough but proved how serious I was about sobriety. I think you'll have a similar feeling if you start ridding your life of that identity.
Luckily one of my buddies is in a similar situation and we're supporting each other. Makes it easier when someone is holding you accountable.
I went out and bought myself some new clamps, chisels, hand planes, etc. and am making that a priority again.
Fantastic! I never learned woodworking beyond pinewood derby cars and making spears. I do have good clamps and know my knots from sailing and survival. I hope you'll post about your projects, especially ones the rest of us MIGHT be able to follow lol.
