Recap: - BD in October - EA with a past friend turned PA at some point in her trips back home. - I wasn't emotionally available. - We set up a nesting schedule, rent an apartment to share, and stay close - She started using dating apps but still wanted me to "show up" - I started getting my sh!t together and GAL which she noticed and shows signs of turning back - Tells me the EA/OM is over - We start spending more time together and having some genuine moments of connection - She has a trip planned to the desert to have a break due to her working 12+ hour days for 2 months -I come back from a trip to the coast with oldest son and see on her computer a chat left open w/OM -She is planning on seeing him on her trip, she says she loves him, all that good stuff. - I lose my sh!t. Leave the house before she gets back and send her a message saying I'm done and she should just stay in the apartment when she gets back - She keeps trying to get in touch with me but I don't respond - We finally talk via messenger because I won't see her in person. - She tells me how she sees all my changes, the OM isn't the one for her, she wants me to keep the door open, she knows I'm the better man for her, but she can't trust me because I hurt her in the past - She also still can't see how she contributed to me closing up in the past other than her sickness - I tell her I can't change the past and if she can't either deal with it or see how I have changed then there's nothing I can do - She says I am like a "zombie" to her right now, revived from the dead and she doesn't know how to deal with it - I get angry, say lots of stuff, call bullsh!t on lots of her arguments, say I won't share her, and that I have been the only one working on "us" and I'm done being the only one paddling the canoe
So here we are. She's gone. We have had 1 conversation that was purely about logistics with kids. I'm alternating between anger, pain, rage, and soul crushing sadness. As usual I throw myself into reading and research and determined to nobody's surprise that I am very co-dependent and have been in all my relationships. I guess I always knew it but I watched a video and it was like listening to a fortune teller I have never met telling me everything about me and something unlocked inside me. During all of this, and during tough times in the past, I argue with myself about why I am putting up with it all? Why am I not throwing her sh!t out on the street, getting angry, allowing her to hurt me over and over again, and being "ok" with her being on dating apps while we are supposedly working on each other. I knew it was nuts, but I did it and EVEN NOW there's a part of me that is still going "yeah, but...." which is insane. But looking at it from a co-dependent perspective it makes sense. I have lost my identity and my self to her and as much as I have grown, I haven't gotten it back yet. And nothing will change until I do.
My question now is about moving forward. I have stated I will not be going back to the apartment again and that there is nothing there for me. I told her to just stay there but she got upset saying I am not going to take the kids from her and since the apartment is just a studio, the kids can't stay there with her. I say that is not my intention to keep the kids from her, just that I won't be going back. We left it at that for now. I have no intention of going back or not sleeping in my own bed unless I am going on a trip of my own. Do I just stay at the house with her during "her" weeks with the kids until the lease is up for the apartment (end of May) and do my own thing during those times? That seems super-awkward and a huge temptation to backslide depending on the circumstance. I've heard good/bad about IHS and this would be like a partial IHS. Curious on anyone's thoughts or suggestions.
For me, I am hiring a local life coach to go along with me IC to help get me moving forward and also a personal trainer. Putting jiu-jitsu on hold for now (rib still hurts) and instead just going to work with someone to get me physically healthy. I've lost 30lbs over the past 5 months but have plateaued and need that extra kick in the butt at this point to push it further. Also going back on the wagon as I could tell once Dry January was over and I started drinking again that I lost a lot of ground that I had gained.
Thanks for reading my novel and as usual thanks for all the support and help.
I have stated I will not be going back to the apartment again and that there is nothing there for me. I told her to just stay there but she got upset saying I am not going to take the kids from her and since the apartment is just a studio, the kids can't stay there with her. I say that is not my intention to keep the kids from her, just that I won't be going back.
This sounds like a man of strength who is tired with the BS.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I have no intention of going back or not sleeping in my own bed unless I am going on a trip of my own.
More strength
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Do I just stay at the house with her during "her" weeks with the kids until the lease is up for the apartment (end of May) and do my own thing during those times?
Yes
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
That seems super-awkward and a huge temptation to backslide depending on the circumstance.
This sounds like the old weak Salty Dawg
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I've heard good/bad about IHS and this would be like a partial IHS. Curious on anyone's thoughts or suggestions.
What do you mean by IHS? Aren't you filing for divorce?
I lived in a, what you called, partial IHS for over a year. Its hard but its doable and I am really glad I stuck to it. Didnt buckle after this board put me straight. Slept in my bed and XW in a cabin/shed outside when she was here (50% living with OM).
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Yep. You still think you are going to strategically get yourself out of it.
Unfortunately it's game over my friend. So the question is are you going to go out on your terms or continue with the death by 1,000 papercuts?
I know. Boy, do I know. I beat myself up daily, get angry, get motivated, and then fold. At least about filing for the D right now. I'm not going back on what I've told her, I will stay here and in my bed. I'm also not going to continue being more than a co-parent at this point. I won't be a d!ck and I'm not going even bother pointing out all the sh!tty things she's done/doing. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment, but I am trying to change that as well. It's like deprogramming one of Pavlov's dogs.
I lived in a, what you called, partial IHS for over a year. Its hard but its doable and I am really glad I stuck to it. Didnt buckle after this board put me straight. Slept in my bed and XW in a cabin/shed outside when she was here (50% living with OM).
Hey Mumin - for some reason I thought I had already read your threads but apparently not. Just went through them and see a ton of similarities (especially with LH trying to get things through our thick skulls!). Thanks for sharing all of what you went through, it helped to read it and identify with someone who is/was having similar feelings.
Yep. You still think you are going to strategically get yourself out of it.
Unfortunately it's game over my friend. So the question is are you going to go out on your terms or continue with the death by 1,000 papercuts?
I know. Boy, do I know. I beat myself up daily, get angry, get motivated, and then fold. At least about filing for the D right now. I'm not going back on what I've told her, I will stay here and in my bed. I'm also not going to continue being more than a co-parent at this point. I won't be a d!ck and I'm not going even bother pointing out all the sh!tty things she's done/doing. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment, but I am trying to change that as well. It's like deprogramming one of Pavlov's dogs.
So SD when your stbxw acknowledges your changes and still chooses to sleep with other dudes it’s an attraction thing. It 100 percent isn’t going to come back while you are acting like a scared little boy. 100 percent she can see it and feel it. Once she feels comfortable with OM you will be served. You will tell yourself you did it for your kids or you want to be able to say you tried everything but the truth is you are being passive because of fear. As Kevin Bacon said in Few Good Men” those are the facts of the case and the facts are irrefutable”.
Recap: - BD in October - EA with a past friend turned PA at some point in her trips back home. - I wasn't emotionally available. - We set up a nesting schedule, rent an apartment to share, and stay close - She started using dating apps but still wanted me to "show up" - I started getting my sh!t together and GAL which she noticed and shows signs of turning back - Tells me the EA/OM is over - We start spending more time together and having some genuine moments of connection - She has a trip planned to the desert to have a break due to her working 12+ hour days for 2 months -I come back from a trip to the coast with oldest son and see on her computer a chat left open w/OM -She is planning on seeing him on her trip, she says she loves him, all that good stuff. - I lose my sh!t. Leave the house before she gets back and send her a message saying I'm done and she should just stay in the apartment when she gets back - She keeps trying to get in touch with me but I don't respond - We finally talk via messenger because I won't see her in person. - She tells me how she sees all my changes, the OM isn't the one for her, she wants me to keep the door open, she knows I'm the better man for her, but she can't trust me because I hurt her in the past - She also still can't see how she contributed to me closing up in the past other than her sickness - I tell her I can't change the past and if she can't either deal with it or see how I have changed then there's nothing I can do - She says I am like a "zombie" to her right now, revived from the dead and she doesn't know how to deal with it - I get angry, say lots of stuff, call bullsh!t on lots of her arguments, say I won't share her, and that I have been the only one working on "us" and I'm done being the only one paddling the canoe
So here we are. She's gone. We have had 1 conversation that was purely about logistics with kids. I'm alternating between anger, pain, rage, and soul crushing sadness. As usual I throw myself into reading and research and determined to nobody's surprise that I am very co-dependent and have been in all my relationships. I guess I always knew it but I watched a video and it was like listening to a fortune teller I have never met telling me everything about me and something unlocked inside me. During all of this, and during tough times in the past, I argue with myself about why I am putting up with it all? Why am I not throwing her sh!t out on the street, getting angry, allowing her to hurt me over and over again, and being "ok" with her being on dating apps while we are supposedly working on each other. I knew it was nuts, but I did it and EVEN NOW there's a part of me that is still going "yeah, but...." which is insane. But looking at it from a co-dependent perspective it makes sense. I have lost my identity and my self to her and as much as I have grown, I haven't gotten it back yet. And nothing will change until I do.
She didn't have to leave, at least legally in most jurisdictions. You could have asked her to leave. I am not a fan of nesting, as it plays right into the WS' desire to have their cake and eat it too. "Yeay I get to play house for a week, then go be single and party for a week!"
Originally Posted by Jhopeful
My question now is about moving forward. I have stated I will not be going back to the apartment again and that there is nothing there for me. I told her to just stay there but she got upset saying I am not going to take the kids from her and since the apartment is just a studio, the kids can't stay there with her. I say that is not my intention to keep the kids from her, just that I won't be going back. We left it at that for now. I have no intention of going back or not sleeping in my own bed unless I am going on a trip of my own. Do I just stay at the house with her during "her" weeks with the kids until the lease is up for the apartment (end of May) and do my own thing during those times? That seems super-awkward and a huge temptation to backslide depending on the circumstance. I've heard good/bad about IHS and this would be like a partial IHS. Curious on anyone's thoughts or suggestions.
IHS is not easy. Not going to lie. I think it is worse if your WS/WAS is in an active PA. I would recommend moving back in and keeping the MBR. Telling her she will need to sleep somewhere else. I did IHS, and tried to stay as busy as I could (GAL), which helped. When I struggled was when I did GAL poorly.
Originally Posted by Jhopeful
For me, I am hiring a local life coach to go along with me IC to help get me moving forward and also a personal trainer. Putting jiu-jitsu on hold for now (rib still hurts) and instead just going to work with someone to get me physically healthy. I've lost 30lbs over the past 5 months but have plateaued and need that extra kick in the butt at this point to push it further. Also going back on the wagon as I could tell once Dry January was over and I started drinking again that I lost a lot of ground that I had gained.
Good stuff here. I highly encourage you to stop drinking all together. Though I am biased (former alcoholic). But it is just too easy to not be in your right mind and do and say things that will hurt your sitch. DBing sober is difficult enough.
Originally Posted by Jhopeful
Thanks for reading my novel and as usual thanks for all the support and help.
Keep working! You've got this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
After years of reading all of these short, sad, WAW stories, there is only one conclusion I arrive at:
Kick their @sses to the curb and leave them there. They want out? Throw them out. Now!
They patronize you by saying you deserve better? Find someone better immediately.
Who needs to wait around for a lying, cheating, betraying, character-assassinating POS WAS?
Now, that's the kind of validating I'm talking about. Go ahead and give them exactly what they say they want. And give it to them IMMEDIATELY! No namby-pamby wimp-@ss "waiting."
After all, they've been so "unhappy" for "so long."
So SD I pulled this post from another thread. I like you came here trying to save my family. I like you was afraid to do anything to push me exw further away. I like you thought that if she could just see my changes I could have the life I used to have put back together. I now realize that wasn't a very great life. This board and MWD tends to make you believe that they are in a temporary fog and will snap out of it. My ex was miserable most of the time and that in-turn made me miserable. Now that I am far away and see life on the other side the post from Kimmie Lee reads loud and clear to me.
Easier said then done but I promise you that this is how you will see things years from now.
